Pandora, I'm reading your thread in the regular dmt experiences thread and since I cant post in that forum yet I have to say it here. You said something that made me think a little bit, I'm sure this probably means nothing to you coming from a new to dmt user, but I am not new to the psychedelic realm at all, and they taught me something I nearly forgot about until you said this...
"Yes, I have given these things a lot of thought. But this time it was so excruciatingly detailed in ILLUSTRATING for me PERSONALLY how I use other people to try to prop myself up, to shine a light upon my little self in the grand DARK design. Thus all of my actions seem completely and utterly pointless. Meaningless. And counter to my stated purpose.
Thus my dreams remain dead this morning. And I see no point in ever apologizing for anything again."
We are all in this together. EVERY single person on this planet uses others to prop themselves up, that is why we love and feel for each other. You cant blame yourself for being selfish when everyone else is doing the same thing. And yes I can see how it could be what you would call a "grand dark design". The entire human race's actions are "completely and utterly pointless" but we still were created for some purpose. Even if it is a dark theme we are all pulling each other down to survive, its in our nature. Like I said this may mean nothing to you, you had from what it sounds like an EXTREMELY intense and personal DMT trip that I could not even imagine. And it seems the experienced DMT users are not helping much to ease your mind. But you are not alone. You don't have to apologize for anything ever again if you don't want, but don't blame yourself for having needs and desires that we all have.
We are a sick and demented species of organized bacteria sucking the life out of this rock, but at the same time we are beautiful and divine in EVERY aspect.
Here is a quote from one of my favorite bands, Tool. They have a very dark concept of life but very bright at the same time. Whenever I am shaken to my core from a dark trip it always helps me...
If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through,
this tedious path I’ve chosen here,
I certainly would’ve walked away by now.
"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride." - Bill Hicks