I just took 4 hits, broke through i guess. This is weird though, its like all my bad psychedelic experiences in my life were trying to keep me from reaching that moment of understanding and i got to it. The entities were explaining that to me, its like my parents were there too and they were witnessing what just happened to me, talking about what they could have done to prevent this. They made it feel like since I reached that moment I failed completely somehow and I would be doomed to hell or something of that nature. When they were telling it to me I wanted to throw away all my DMT and quit psychs forever. I'm coming down now trying to understand exactly what happened but they made it very clear that I severely messed up. Can any of you guys make sense of this? I know I'm supposed to think its just my own mind fucking with me but that seemed very real and made me feel like I seriously fucked up my life.

This is what happens when you let your own fear rule and take over your trip. The imagination makes up all kinds of weird associations. It's not easy to teach yourself to leave this fear far, far behind you. Until you do so, things like this will occur. Try having faith and confidence with yourself and the spice.

Hi giver of will,

Sounds like an incredibly intense experience.

House knows DMT better than I know science fiction and/or cats. I'd pay attention. Of course, my spiel is always pre/subconscious stuff. Working on guilt issues? Parents involved? Remember DMT is super strong medicine and it will bring all of that stuff right to the fore. I don't know exactly what is up, but the first thing I would sincerely recommend is not rushing into any decisions right now. Give yourself a chance to eat and sleep for a few, healthy cycles. Maybe abstain during this integration period? Then perhaps re-evaluate these fear/guilt issues.

I'm no expert on this, and earlier I was thinking of asking Traveler to change my name to Lifetimen00b, but . . .. at least for sure I can say, set and setting are more than key with spice, they are paramount. You cannot underestimate how they can impact your trip. One time they won't make any difference, next time all the difference.

I have ritualized my set & setting for spice use. This has helped tremendously. If I cannot get into the ritual or do the ritual the right way I know I am not ready to smoke. Abstain tonight , . . . reconsider at another time.

Of course all of this is just my personal experience and perception of the power of spice. . . .

I'm sure you will continue to get answers. I suggest looking at them all. I'll bet they'll be diverse. Time will be your ally here. Integration can provide clarity with time as the catalyst.

Please keep us updated.

Peace & Love

i have no problems with my life so far, no problems with parents. The thing is when i would have really bad trips I would get the sense that my parents were scolding me telepathically telling me to quit psychedelics. Now its like I got there and they were like damn it we tried to stop you. I hit it 30 mins later and just felt warm and awesome but i didnt break through. I just dont understand why that happened at all. Its like everything I worked for was destroyed or something.

im wandering what led you to do it . if you wouldnt mind sharing im kinda curious . and i agree with the man who posted above me , you need to be completely ready not only mentaly , but spiritualy as i see it takes a hold of your soul to guide it . i really dont have any exspirence to speak out on the behalf of substance to advocate what it does in that sense but what iv exspirenced durring the first time i did it. i think it could have told you a couple things , 1. your not ready 2. it doesnt believe you should do it 3. your not doing it with pure intentions. , thoughs are of course my opinions

A bad trip could be looked at as a lesson learned, i wouldnt let thoughts of a previous trips make that bad ones weigh down your psyche, this is were the fear may come in, if your head is clear and you have the right set and setting its hard to have a bad trip, i would suggest maybe some meditation before hand try to clear any negative thoughts and clear your whole head for that matter, and only smoke if you dont feel comfortable than chances are its not the right time.

Goodluck and safe journeys.

I've had that feeling before as well, a sort of mid-trip parental rebuke that WHOOP you shouldn't do drugs, now it's too late, you've screwed everything up. It really got me down for a while, but given the attitude towards psychedelics I was raised with, it shouldn't have come as a surprise that I could throw something like that at myself.

Confidence, you must soldier on.

Now hear me when i say im no expert but my personal experience says maybe ego-death http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_death

when i experienced this i felt as if i died conciously and all my thoughts and actions were placed out in front of me for me to judge and dissolve contridictions in my life. My first time i broke through I remeber feel like my physcical body was inversing on inself infinite times in an instant except for the first inverse that part felt like a life time experincing some weird wobble bass winding up to store kinetic energy for shooting you out of the time stream and into other demisions finding you self in and endless time-tunnel that moves in every direction except forward-reverse-left-right, in this world everything moves around or through you. That was my first breakthrough experience and i rattled me in ways i didnt know existed to be postuled for self change.

Take it one experience at at time
Realiaze nothing changed; your just more aware of it
Happy travels!

Keep posted!

Throwing what at yourself? The fact that you shouldn't be doing drugs?

I have NEVER had that happen. You know why I think this is? I am in my mid 40's. My mother has been dead for close to 25 years and I am completely independent from and more than somewhat estranged from my father.

Again, I point to the pre and subconscious realms. Your conscious mind might be in perfect agreement and have congruent beliefs to your actions (smoking DMT) but maybe, just maybe some deeper level of your mind does not. I am no therapist, so this is JUST pure speculation.

But, seriously, consider all the anti-drug CRAP you were exposed to, all the blatant propaganda for YEARS. You probably got some from your parent(s), maybe from your religious leaders, maybe from your doctors and/or counselors, definately from your schooling and definately frequently when you turn on non-entertainment television or attend movie entertainments.

You may be a strong willed, independent thinking, grown man right now, but do NOT fool yourself into believing that all of that CRAP didn't have some sort of impact, didn't sink in to some level.

One thing DMT does for me is it points the way, it shines a very BRIGHT light on what I need to work on. I've had trips that have shown me what I have done wrong in my life, how I have mistreated people and what I should do to try to heal the past and prevent such things from happening in the future. These were some of the most brutal and harrowing experiences of my entire life. I came out of them shell-shocked, feeling violated, swearing I was done, at least for a few months, etc. Again, speaking personally, I do not find working with DMT to be easy, but I do find it to be incredibly valuable and an effective catalyst for personal insight and growth.

If any of my personal stuff might be at all applicable to you, maybe looking at issues of guilt or propaganda that have penetrated below the surface might be a way to go.

Again, I stress that these are strictly intuitive statements based on MY personal experience and work with DMT. I am NOT a counselor. If you choose to work or focus on your deeper material, whatever it may be (and don't think I've identified it - I'm just pulling stuff out of my rear here) and find the work to be disturbing, I sincerely recommend seeking the services of a therapist, possibly even one who specializes in transpersonal work.

Peace & Love

Yea, I grew up in a Christian home with both of my parents strongly against drugs (even though my dad used to be a methhead when he was in his 20's). Your right, a lot of that probably did have an impact on me, I never saw myself when I was growing up doing drugs in the future. I took my first hit of marijuana when I was 17, first started tripping when I was 18, and I'm almost 21 now. But that DMT trip was not as if they were scolding me for doing drugs in general, only psychedelics. It's like I'm having this ongoing trip that never stops and continues where it left off the next time I dose or eat some mushrooms. This felt like I reached the end of my journey only to realize I have been tricked into believing in something that would destroy my life. It's the next morning and I have an exam coming up in 3 hours and all I can think about is that trip. I just keep wondering if I really did mess up and its going to drive me crazy because I will never know.

I too grew up in a very strict christian home, and went to a Christian school, when i graduated and started useing psychedelics whenever i would have a bad trip, it always involved my parents! because their reaction to things i do wrong is one of the things that scares and disturbs me most. I have had a salvia trip that teleported me right to the dinner table with my parents and they were commenting on my pupils and yelling at me asking me what drugs i am useing. Lol its funny how people are having similar experiences who grew up with religious family's

Clearly it has affected you deeply. I would recommend abstention in favor of integration for the immediate future, especially if your real world responsibilities (tests, jobs, etc.) are being affected.

I don't mean to discount it, but it was what it was, just a trip. Your trip. You took a big exogenous dose of an endogeous neurotransmitter. Frankly, this is spiritual, personal and sometimes even hedonist work (for some). I honestly feel it is MUCH less important than what is going on in the real, consensual reality world. Getting to work on time, studying for the test, getting a good dinner on the table for the kids is so much more important and (again in my opinion) relevant.

Do you really think one trip can ruin your life? If so, quit now. Your successful life is so much more important in my opinion. You have so many choices ahead of you and noting is ruined. You got a personal insight. You can choose to examine it to figure out exactly what it is and what it means to you; you can choose to work on it to probe for the deeper material; you can embrace a normal routine and put it behind you. You can combine these actions. Many, many choices are available to you, none of which involve ruining your life. That thought is pure you, not the molecule. Either take a closer look or do not. Again, nothing ruined. You don't have to let anything be ruined. It takes ACTIVE involvement, actively screwing up over long periods of time, to ruin a life. Even then . . . . there's always some hope, some shred of potential.

So, please take some time to try to clear your mind, meditate, do deep, conscious abdominal breathing, slow and easy. Keep bringing your wandering mind back to the breath and the abdomen.

Eat a good nutritious meal an hour or so before your test. Study what you can absorb meaningfully, don't cram.

I honestly think that everything is going to work out in the long run. But, I also know that this time is NOT easy and the insights and feelings are surprising and STRONG. You are in a caring community that has been through similar things.

Peace & Love

Thank you pandora, you have been so helpful. It's very reassuring to be in a caring community with members that understand where I am coming from. The thing is my life is going well so far. I graduate college in a year and soon I will have a good career. The trip didn't tell me I fucked up my present life, I don't see how it could. It was more along the lines of I fucked up my NEXT life.

Pure speculation:

Perhaps it was not a condemnation of DMT use. Maybe it was a view on a POTENTIAL future or potential next life. Only you can decide.

You know, people can abuse psychedelics and screw their lives or part of their lives up in the process. It can and DOES happen. I personally believe in trying to keep everything in perspective, to use in moderation/follow the call WHEN free time permits AND to take enough time for integration. By doing these things, I have been able to mesh my psychedelic use with my greater outside life. Each person must find their own, personal path.

Given your position, on the cusp of a major life transition (graduation-->good job) in terms of status in society, your background, Christian upbringing etc., I'm not surprised that the deep concerns of your mind (illuminated by DMT) may have come to the fore. That themes about guilt, parental condemnation and worries about ruining the future, future lives, etc. played out. Not surprised at all.

You've discovered something very special with psychedelics and DMT haven't you? Something that the larger society abhors, is ignorant of and scared of.

I return to the themes of time, integration, moderation, and community. I encourage you to embrace all of these in the upcoming hours, days, weeks, months and year.

Peace & Love

Will I ever be able to shed those subversive murmurs echoing in the dark caverns of my subconscious? I recognize that my anxiety, my ultimate fear emanates from such a "voice" - overcoming it, however, seems utterly impossible most times. This notion terrifies me even more, especially when I gauge the cognitive torment and paralysis (intellectual, social, even physical) continually wrought under its obsessive fist.

I wish I could articulate in more lucid terms this subconscious subversion. My mind functions like a busted record player - ruminating/skipping constantly in metacognitive loops. Caught in this cycle, I have been deprived of personal maturation/identity establishment, which, in turn, feeds the cycle of torment even more. I CAN'T GET OUT. I WANT TO RESUME THE SONG AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE.

For me, the beauty of psychedelics lies within their nature to alleviate this paralyzing cognitive barrier. Transcending its constrictive presence, the figurative record player (i.e. my conscious mind) is able to trace new grooves on the record, exploring and appreciating its symphonic arrangement. How I long to break free! I recognize the viability, as shown through psychedelic experiences, but successfully making it reality is a different struggle altogether...especially when you've listened to the same loop, over and over and over and over again, for as long as I have. I am consistently falling back into the same patterns, yielding to the same voices. /sigh

Yea, I feel like integration is key. I just have problems with taking psychedelics in moderation. When I was 18 during my freshman year I would dose LSD 2-3 times a week, eventually I thought I lost my mind. I have been trying to chill out with them but they are ALL OVER THE PLACE. I never take psychs or hit DMT when I feel the time is not right. My problem is I feel like ANYTIME is right, as long as I'm not dealing with anything stressful. Its like I'm chasing the dragon but not in a heroin sense. Its like I'm trying to understand something I can never understand and I have accepted that. But I still feel the need to do it and see what else is out there.

lacunae,

I'm not sure if I understood your post correctly. If I did I would sincerely suggest you might be ready for a DIFFERENT song. Maybe take some serious time off from psychedelics and look into meditation or art or some other creative direction? Maybe consider working with a therapist/counselor, a professional to help you find your way out of those loops? Some of which sound like they have been made deeper by your psychedelic use?

I do know I perceived your suffering correctly. And your frustration. My heart goes out to you. I think we have all felt this to a certain extent, though we don't know precisely what you're dealing with. I wish I could figure out how to smoothly and consistently take the lessons I've learned from psychedelic use into my real world life longitudinally, over time. This is the real work for me.

Peace & Love

Pandora,

-edit- I'll pm you. Don't want to hijack this thread with my distressed musings hahah

aced that exam by the way. , at least that trip didn't affect my train of focus.