Hello friends.

After using psychedelics and having profound spiritual understanding, I've realized what a perfectionist I am. I've always known this was the case, but the last three-four years it's gone a bit too far, resulting in an on/off eating disorder, social anxiety, and working myself physically sick with my studies. Basically, I feel that nothing I do is ever good enough. This definitely has something to do with being told that the hard way when being bullied in my early teens. However, I'm having some difficulty turning the thoughts around, and find myself annoyed/ashamed almost all the time. I have locked my feelings away so deeply that I actually can count how many times I've spoken straight from my heart; twice. Once on MDMA and once with my boyfriend. Needless to say, I am fuckin terrified of stepping on anyones toes. I am trying to get in touch with myself, and not what people expect/want from me. I am trying to stop allowing myself to let people step all over me. However, it is quite difficult breaking a habit, and so I figured I'd ask you for help.

More than everything, I feel that I need to restore my self respect and stop being so hard on myself. I need to find back to the acceptance of myself. Maybe some of you guys would have some wise words to exchange, and maybe some of you have been through something similar? I'v love to hear your stories.
And; would DMT be a somewhat helpful tool in getting rid of this pattern of thinking? I feel that the whole DMT-experience maybe would be too rapid for me to grow from it. Have some of you guys found spice helpful in dealing with low self esteem?

Much love.

Thank you for so openly sharing... I don't have a lot of specific advice, but I wanted to say that your presentation of your struggle, understanding, and efforts to change comes across as courageous and clear-headed: keep it up! It may seem like a baby step, but articulating what is wrong, better yet noticing our habits as they assert themselves, can be quite liberating and can open the door to more self-acceptance.
Be well,
L

Thank you very much, L. Your words are very true - thank you for reminding me

I believe that this is very sound advice. Life has a way of creating patterns and it's only when you recognize those patterns are you free to stray away from it and create a new pattern.

One thing that might help with the low self esteem is to watch your thoughts and anytime you catch yourself doing the negative self talk, stop yourself and reaffirm that you love and accept yourself and all of your flaws.

Something that has helped me is affirmations. This link has a great explanation and some good examples of affirmations.

Using affirmations under the influence of changa or LSD could help speed up the reprogramming process.

Above all, just remember to Love yourself!!

Your realisations are awesome

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson

shits not easy but you've made a start

The meek will inherit the earth

-Jesus




I love you for who you are

-Wave Rider



P.S. - From the use of ayahuasca, I have learned much about myself, good and bad, and what I need to do to address my issues.

Being a perfectionist is not exactly a bad quality to have. Low self control is definitely what runs wild with out insecurities. I do not mean low will power because you have quite a bit of that. What I mean is allowing yourself to go to the extremes and loosing balance.

I do not know the situation of your teen bullies but if they picked on your small imperfection perhaps they felt inferior to how close to perfection you actually are and had to try and cut you down. Bullies are good at doing that.

Learning to love yourself will allow you to move on. At least it did for me. I was able to drop many bad habits when I was shown the universal state of being that is love. MDMA show us that there is a feeling of love while DMT puts us in the state of being that is love.

I was a ten year pack a day cigarette smoker, drank like a fish, ate gas station food (didn't think it was very bad for me), and was surrounded by people who would not blink an eye at flipping a profit off someones misfortune.

One morning after a few months of experimenting with dmt while on LSD, mushrooms, MDMA or just DMT by itself; I woke up and while smoking the last cigarette I ever smoked I realized that I do love myself and I am ready to live my life.

I have never looked back to my old ways because it seems so silly to me now.

Maybe you are here for a very good reason. I wish you the best with your search, and feel you will be very successful in your transformation of self.

Thank you all for the advices and kindness, these really are helpful words. It is so good to read what you have to say, and to hear some different perspectives and stories. Thank you all so very much! Your reminders of the great love we all are, are so encouraging for me right now.

fragaria- sounds like we aren't too different. id phrase my personal short coming more as being a people pleaser rather than perfectionist but id bet they are very similar imbalances.

first let me say congratulations....most never even get this far. where your at is like step one, recognizing there is a compulsive behavior causing you suffering that is linked to something in our past or past lives. (if you are open to that idea). so kudos' give your self a hand slap for that.

fact- true and lasting change is very difficult and very rare. ive noticed in my life that i used to try to change the compulsive action thinking this was change and it was not. there is still much good to be had by stopping patterned behaviors that we identify as harmful but we will not achieve true change until the source is addressed.

be honest- the most useful character trait you can have in a quest for change is ultimate self honesty. no more making excuses for yourself to yourself. most of us aren't even aware we are doing this. once we catch ourselves not being honest as to what emotion we are feeling and why we are actually feeling it we can follow that emotion up stream to its source. once source is identified you now have a tangible piece of you to work with. often times there much relief just in having something to chew on. even if you don't know what to do with it yet.
if you can be totally honest with yourself you can most certainly be the person trying to escape its current confines.

be brave- this isnt easy stuff and i guarantee it gets worst before it gets better but like they say in alcoholics anonymous "don't give up a second before the miracle happens!" take a second to let that one sink it because its very true and may just be the tiny thread that holds your nose to the grind stone when you reach the deep waters of your mind and psyche.

listen more talk less- most of what comes out of our mouths is some type of justification or attempt to gain approval. look at this and when you catch yourself again follow that up stream as to why. the nexus was the best tool i can think of to help in this area. reply calmly and take as many hours or days to re-read your words and omit anything that falls under the above categories. the more i did this the easier it became to not speak out of fear and insecurity but from my heart. i feel good when i press the send button now.

finally you asked about dmt helping you in your desire to change. yes and no would be my answer. dmt showed me what is possible and what may be the true nature of reality but ayahuasca put a 10 million watt spot light on my need to please others and constant fear of people's opinions of me. dmt is part of ayahuasca but much different experience than vaping dmt.

i wish you all the best you have in store for your life as you have realized its up to you. welcome to day one.
im so happy you are here.

OM'

I don't agree with every single word of that quote I posted

Nudge, I hear Power of now by Eckhart Toll and also practising the power of now by Eckhart Toll are really good. Also theres fountainhead by Ayn Rand which I also hear is good.