So for the past year or so I have been suffering from what I'd describe as a pretty bad anxiety disorder, but I find it to be rather unique to most others. In order for me to really explain this whole situation I am going to kind of have to give some background information on how this began.

Between the Summer of 2009 and the Winter of 2010 I was heavily involved with drugs of various types. I used stimulants, psychedelics, alcohol, marijuana, and occasionally other things such as dextromethorphan and diphenhydramine. I essentially went from not using any substances EVER to doing things all the time in about a one or two month time period.

What eventually ended this brief run and resulted in my anxiety problems was one particular experience in which I combined LSD, Adderall, Dextromethorphan, Marijuana, and Diphenhydramine and went through what I believe was a near death experience. I realize now, obviously, how bad of a decision this was, but at the time I was just so caught up in trying to go further and further that I just went too far. This experience left me mentally and emotionally traumatized. This was over a year ago.

My anxiety seems unique in the way that the only thing I really am anxious and nervous about is my own physical health. I do not become anxious in social situations or really for any other reason, but ever since that one experience anytime I notice any sort of ache or pain, strange bodily sensation, or anything out of the ordinary physically, my mind automatically assumes the worse and I think there is something terribly wrong with me physically that is going to cause me to die.

Now in reality I know that there really isn't anything wrong with me. I've had multiple doctor visits in which everything pretty much checked out fine and I've even had panic attacks so bad that I went to the emergency room, where they found absolutely nothing wrong with me and said it was all anxiety.

The reason why I guess I am posting this here is because I am terribly frustrated. I would love more than anything to be able to take a psychedelic again to try to potentially help myself through this tough spot, but I am deathly afraid of having a terrible anxiety reaction during the trip, and I am afraid of my anxiety taking hold of me and making me do something dumb (like go to the emergency room again). It just saddens me because I remember the amazing times I used to have when I used psychedelics in my past and I hate thinking that I will potentially never be able to enjoy them again just because I made a terrible decision at one point in my life.

I guess really all I am looking for is some advice or if anyone went through any sort of similar experience what helped them.

Thanks.

Thank you for sharing... glad that you are healing, that you are physically well and mentally lucid after your brush with going too far. I would not recommend smoking spice - it is often shocking in some capacity. If you do choose to try tryptamines, perhaps the way to go is with two others... one journeying with you and one sober and close at hand. Folks who are experienced. Likely a modest dose would be best.
Regarding the over-sensitivity to potential physical illness, I believe strongly in the power of taiji practice to overcome this sort of difficulty and, with enough work invested (gong fu), form our minds and bodies into a more stable and alive whole.
Peace and light,
L

Maybe try a low dose of something fairly gentle, such as mescaline, with friends around to serve as sitters?

elphologist

Yeah, I mean, I have considered doing both things that you guys suggested, it's always when it comes down to it I get really bad anxiety beforehand and can't bring myself to do it, fearing a repeat of the other experience. Part of me says the only way to face my fears is to just stand up and do it, but with psychedelics I feel like because of that pre-trip anxiety it could make the trip a negative experience right off the bat. How can I overcome this fear and eventually just allow myself to take the dive?

No rush. SWiM too has some fear of DMT and has not gone in a while. This is fine - after all, there are many other rewarding things to commit one's energies to!
And as mentioned, getting comfortable, confident, strong, and sharp in your body pays off handsomely.
Peace,
L

Change your lifestyle!
Eat healthy
Do Sports
Reduce drug-use

Trust!

JD, You haven't mentioned that you're some type of super-human. Doesn't it make sense that you have limits and that your mix of "LSD, Adderall, Dextromethorphan, Marijuana, and Diphenhydramine" could push well beyond normal human limits? I don't know if that was physically safe or not, but don't spend much time thinking there's something wrong with you because you had a difficult psychic time with that mix.

Many people (perhaps all) on this forum need to push limits. Whenever we do, there's a bit of risk that things won't work out as planned. Exactly how these mis-fires unfold is very personal for each of us, but the fact that they can (and sometimes do) mis-fire is common to all of us. Pushing limits is not without risk.

You can relax about your experience because you don't ever have to do that again and I'm guessing you won't. If you still need to push limits you may find yourself in another difficult situation, but it will be different and you will learn something from it. If you're not OK with that, stop trying to push limits. Go easy...