soulfood - I can relate on multiple levels. I've struggled with moderate to severe social anxiety for most of my life. Unfortunately I think my reckless use of a variety of drugs as a teenager potentiated the issue, but that's another story.

A lot of the feelings tied to depression are very similar to those tied to social anxiety, the difference being that when SA kicks in you go into a terrified panic attack (very similar to that feeling that you've taken WAY too much of a psychedelic and you fear for your sanity).

Anyway, what I really want to say is that I've just "reemerged" into the world after nearly a year and a half of being out of work. During this time I was dealing with severe depression (although I didn't really realize how severe until I got better). I was staying up all night being productive, but then sleeping the day away and missing out on life. On my way to getting better I had a realization similar to your "Stop being a dick-head". Literally, one day I was thinking about how I was acting toward my wife and I suddenly realized, "Fuck! I'm a fucking dick. I can't believe she puts up with me"! I'm NOT a dick, but I really was acting like one when I was in that depressed, self loathing state of mind. This realization was a huge turning point for me. I am just very lucky to have such a caring and understanding wife. With that, let me say that I think you are road to recovery. You are realizing negative behaviors, and that's what it takes.

Another big epiphany that I had, and I hope this will have some relevance to you, was at the tail end of a spice journey. I jumped up out of my chair, grabbed my face and head, and yelled "STOP TRYING TO BE WHAT YOU'RE NOT"! At that moment, and for several days (maybe weeks) afterwords I thought it meant that I need to find a completely new line of work, a new life, and take drastic measures before I would ever be happy. As time went on however I realized that all it meant is that whatever I choose to do, do it as myself, and don't try and apply any known paradigms to it. In simpler words. Do what you want but just be yourself doing it. This was another big step in my road to recovery.

Lastly - As others have said, there are some decent anti-depressant meds that can be taken short term. I don't like taking AD meds, but I sometimes do during periods of extreme anxiety (new, high profile social environment), or short term periods of debilitating depression. I try to only take them short term any more however.

So - There is a lot of ramble. I wish I could sit down over a beer with you because I think we would have a wonderful, lengthy discussion. Unfortunately that's a limitation of the interwebs.

All the best to you brother. Please keep us posted. And let me know if you have any questions. I could go on for hours.

With Humility,
-idt

I know that feeling! But it really is a matter of getting used to it. Try to say to yourself "Alright! Thanks" everytime they make a compliment and stop pondering about it. Just go about your life. Doubting the compliment only re-inforces these patterns of negativity. If you can't fully accept them yet, just say thanks and LEAVE IT AT THAT. Then, after a while you'll be halfway there, making it possible to take the next step towards full acceptance. Nlone says, you have to get from 0 to 100 in 1 second. Sometimes, stopping negative thoughts alone is a huge win. You're making room for positivity this way.

I once had this dream that there may be beings in this universe who eat negativity for food. In my wishful thinking, I imagined a scenario where the negativity I carry within myself on a very deep level, and which makes me feel I am basically worthless as a human being, becomes nourishment to someone else. There is this being in front of me who sucks out a bit of this dark nectar from my stomach, and his eyes glow up from astonishment as he gets a taste of it. He looks upon me apprehensively, because he wants more of that but doesn't know whether I would be "good enough" to give some more, just a tiny bit, please... And then the realization dawns upon me, that finally I can also give, like others. Not just take, all the time, in ever-growing pain, but give. And then I give. And then I GIVE, fucking big time.

A former colleague of mine once participated in a workshop in Russia where the instructor asked them to visualize a blue ball of light in their throat. She misheard the color as "gray" (the two words "blue" and "gray" sound similar in the Russian language), so she began visualizing a gray light. Some seconds later the instructor turned to her and said: "Kristina, I said blue, not gray!"

That's a great story, I love it.

And your dream has such a strong 'shiver' of resonance for me. I've never (knowingly) had the experience, but it rings such a strong bell. I even remember watching 'Monsters Inc' ( ) and thinking 'hang on a minute, this whole concept is based on something I almost remember...' (i.e. the 'monsters feeding on terror' thing). I think you're definitely onto something there.

Liméni

P.S. I'd like to officially apologise to soulfood that each of my posts seems to have nudged the thread slightly off course - sorry about that, but the subject of depression is well worth opening up a bit, because I'm sure many people here (being mostly 'creatives' are affected. Even so, I apologise!

It is incredible how easily we loose/forget/alienate the sense of well being and remain stuck in the depression/anxiety loop. This is one of the characteristics that make it so hard to find a cure or even improve when we are alone, without outside help. It is a Hercules Labor!

Hi Soulfood,

One amazing and miraculous breakthrough I had about depression, with the help of Ayahuasca, was the realization that I am not my negative states. It sounds simple, but it was such a hallmark. I used to feel terrible and anxious and wonder what's wrong with me; once I was granted the perspective, however, to step aside and realize that these were just states I experienced due to a sinking neurochemistry, it enabled with the power to do something about it (do yoga, get sunshine, take a nap, drink Caapi ), and also the understanding that this was a STATE of mind, NOT my true being.

I can feel fucked up sometimes. It's okay. Sometimes you just have to go through it and feel it all, too. But it doesn't mean YOU are defective. We are only human. Knowing it is just a state of mind also took away the sense of self-punishment ("Why am I like this?" "Why do I feel this way?" "What's wrong with me?" ). I am beautiful and immortal at the core.

This is, however, what feels like background/biochemically-oriented depression. I used to have a lot of issues that needed help. Psychs gave me the insight to sort out my biggest blocks, and then I had to take the strength personally to make the changes in my life those insights required. I am still fine-tuning my life, but everything is a work in progress, getting better and brighter everyday.

In the meantime, when waves of gloom hit, I recognize them instantly and have developed my own protocol for dealing with them.

Best wishes.

Hey Soulfood! I see you have got loads of good advice from the vise people of the nexus

But I've had to battle severe depression in my past so I'd like to help if I can.

I just want to ask you a few questions like how you feel physically.
And how is your diet?
Do you exercise?
Do you drink alcohol or smoke cannabis. And if so then how frequently and how much?

Well good luck and I hope you find your way out of this soon.

The diet's pretty funny and fluctuates with how I'm sleeping. I try to avoid snacks and generally under eat more than over eat.

I used to exercise quite naturally at my old location about 18 months back as I was quite active but where I'm living now I have little drive to do so. Though I do walk a shitload, but it's not really much of a workout.

Don't smoke cannabis... alcohol? Maybe a couple of beers a day and a social pub session on friday. Nothing crazy.

Actually, reading m_m_m's typically insightful post, I realised that there were a few things that I found really helpful in fighting off the worst of the blackness.

1. Maté Tea Absolutely incredible stuff - especially what I found, which is a blend of maté, ginseng root and ginko. This tea fills you with light and energy, and really does seem to be a natural antidepressant. Friends have drunk it and thought it does absolutely squat though, so who knows? But definitely worth a try. I can tell you where I get my blend if you are interested soulfood.

2. Aurum - a homeopathic tablet. Homeopathy has apparently been shown to be bunk. But whenever I reached rockbottom, I would take one of these pills a day for 3-5 days, and it without a doubt brought me back. I can't explain it (but then neither can homeopaths!).

3. Exercise - as m_m_m says. For me it is going 3 times a week to the local pool which has a steam room and a 25m pool. The combination of steaming and swimming is stunning, and I don't know how anyone in UK gets through the winter without it.

4. Smoking - Yes, I know...but when I truly hit the lowest of the rockbottoms, starting smoking roll-ups again rescued me from total disaster. Just 3 or 4 a day. Nicotine I think is a neurotransmitter as well - it certainly feels like that. We're lucky now that giving up again is so easy with patches.

5. Fresh food - obviously.

6. Sunshine - as m_m_m says. I find being outdoors (a dog takes care of that) and looking up just to the left or right of the sun, so your eyeball gets lots of sunlight.

7. Being Grateful - A shamanic one this. When you're pissed off it's hard to get started, but just start to think of the things you are really grateful for, and be grateful for them. The list soon grows.

8. Working with people whose lives are shitter than yours - Apart from the maté, the most effective of them all.

Everyone is different, but these are the ones which have worked for me.

Liméni

If you're realy depressed then it's gonna take some time to rewire your brain. Thinking postively must become a new habit and it takes time for something to become that. A real depression is not just a gloomy mood, a real depression is something that you've grown yourself into and that has taken time to devellop. So it will take time to grow out of as well. All the things that contribute to not being depressed must realy become a part of your life.

Quoted for the purely brilliant insight offered here. Yeah, you nailed it m_m_m!

If I might piggy-back on this a bit: These negative feelings / states / emotions... whatever you wish to call them are just external forces that are nipping at the heels of your true being. Who you really are is the person that you wish to be inside. Everything else is just "noise". I know that sounds cliche, but like m_m_m already said, once it clicks it really changes everything.

With Humility,
-idt

I like the rest of the recommendations besides these two. Don't use drugs to fix your problems. A good friend of mine was seriously depressed and had the option of either toughinh things out by talking to a shrink or using prescribed drugs instead of fixing his own issues. This friend chose drugs and will now be dependent on them for the rest of his life.

I sometimes get the feeling that something is wrong with me for some reason and I just relax and do something that I really enjoy, be that listening to music, reading, or biking. Physical activity and pushing myself to the limit feels the best.

Also, someone told me once that eight hugs a day boosts serotonin levels.

The cat gives me more hugs a day, or headbuts... : )

This seems like good advice, but I have to say I disagree (and I promise this is not just my ego arguing against my 'pearls of wisdom' being disputed! - honest! ).

We all arrive in (true) depression from different causes, so a piece of blanket advice like "Don't use drugs.." could actually, if followed, lead some people literally to suicide. With respect, you say later "I sometimes get the feeling that something is wrong with me for some reason.." - I'm sure you will accept that you cannot begin to imagine what it is like to spend decades where every day is a constant battle to stop yourself killing yourself.

For me 40 years of severe depression seems to have been cured in two short shamanic sessions (which apparently reunited me with a soul-part which left when I was seven). It took me those 40 years to find the shamanic path (after countless other false leads). The last 12 years I have spent on SSRIs (as well as quite probably being the reason I'm still here in the first place) have enabled me to lead a useful life and be a father to my children. And given that, apart from the depression itself, there was nothing else about my life that I would have wanted to change, I can't see how "toughing things out with a shrink" would have led anywhere.

For someone else in a different situation it might be the perfect answer - I'm just saying that for me I needed to just survive those years until I found the solution, and the various drugs I have mentioned kept me alive during that time. And I am now off them, so it is not necessarily a life sentence.

I truly am not trying to be aggressive or argumentative here, I just feel that this point must be made.

Liméni

personalyy I think nature provides all the drugs we need. Fix your diet before you take pills. If you havent gone 100% raw and organic etc you havent tried everything.

you are what you eat.

This is probably why after a year or two of kind of feeling like this that I have now started this post. I'm getting very little positive input to be reinforced by.

About a month ago my mother was diagnosed with dementia. As she's still essentially still my mum, all be it very confused all the time, I just took it on the chin and will respond by just being there for her all that I can.

That same day I went to a bar in the evening and met this girl. We really hit it off which is a first for me as I always seem to have a very awkward incline into any kind of relationship. Especially as I haven't been in a realtionship for nearly 6 years to be in that situation felt really good. So anyway I called her a few times in the week to see if she wanted to meet up but she said she was ill and it's a recurring problem. We went out the friday night and I had the BEST time. We talked, we kissed then I got her into a cab and walked home with the BIGGEST smile on my face. For the first time in so long I just felt so naturally happy. I was calling up friends just to tell them about how great this girl is and how I'm probably not as fucked up as I thought I was.

Then the next day she had a little get together at her house, had some food and drinks, met some of her friends then towards the end of the night she went to her room unanounced to go to sleep. So I quietly knocked on her door and let myself in. Lay down next to her and talked for a couple of hours with my arm round her then we slept. The next day when she woke up she told me I had to leave in 5 minutes, so I spent that time holding her hand and looking into her eyes, then she showed me to the door and I left.

Ever since then she has appeared to have absolutely no interest in me. I have since found out that she has an eating disorder and what sound like bouts of intense depression and apprently strange changes in personality. At first I wanted to be patient with it and just be there for her when she wanted me to be, but I'm now realising that the way she was when I met her was probably very out of character. I've twice questioned her about how I feel about her and what that means to her but I never get a straight answer. Since then she has tried to set me up with a friend of hers, invited me out for a drink only to arrive and be informed when her date turns up I have to leave, intensley flirting with my friends, sending me to the bar to buy her and her date a drink ( I didn't of course).

But yeah long story short, this girl who had such a strong positive impact on my life has turned out to be a pretty nasty piece of work. The coping skills I have picked up over the years were completely flawed by this scenario and I'm losing my grip on coping with my mother, trying to get myself back into work, drinking more although not as excessivley as I have in the past and it's become almost impossible to get a moments peace of mind.

So yeah now I've gone all type my feelings emo style because it's fucking impossible to find help from those close to me, as they all have big stuff going on in their lives right now.

But yeah I guess in sumation I don't think I'm depressed, but that God I don't believe thinks I'm a fucking toy.

Sorry to hear about your mother, Soulfood.If you dont mind me asking, what kind of dementia does she have?

As regards the lassy with the eating disorder, and I dont mean to be callous or unfeeling here, with your mood issues I think you are better off not having a longer association with her as I dont think it will do your mental state much good in the medium to longer term.

Yep, tried that - feels great, but didn't in any way stop my brain malfunctioning by "reuptaking" Serotonin though.