This thread will document most of my experiences until I breakthrough with DMT, which I plan on being quite soon. At the next available launching time, anyway, for now, I will add notes and my thoughts on my first couple months use of substances mentioned on this site.

This first post refers to my second ayahuasca experience, it is quite long. The first was pleasant but more simple than this.


So two years after trying my first ayahuasca brew, I’m finally starting to come away with something. I honestly wish it had worked for me then, as my psyche has only spun further out of grasp and become more disrupted since.

Almost 3 years ago, I read Naked Lunch. Was absolutely floored by the unique structure and vision within. It was like a haunted house down the end of the roads, so dark, yet softly beautiful. I read William Burroughs account of yage, and instantly it became my most desired psyche experience. (I had had mushrooms once, peyote once, and salvia twice, all at light doses) I have trouble keeping work, ridiculous anxiety sometimes, and therefore it was some months before I was ready to order. I wanted to order enough to ensure more than a single good trip. I had read many conflicting reports, and had not found the proper channels for an agreed upon dosage. My brew tek of yellow vine and chacruna leaves did nothing for me. I tried to reduce further, and burned it. The leftover stuff I simply lost interest in and kept attempting to grow weed, my vice (nothing against Mary, but anything so pleasant can easily become vice imo). That changed a few months ago.

More out of work than ever, and more anxiety about getting something going. I had some vine left over that I decided to put to use. I had all along been unaware that the vine was potent without additives.

I decided on this turn, I should eat only potatoes, no salt, no butter, for 3 days. I also had some wheat toast. The day I drank my brew, around 11, 4 hours after eating some toast.

I drank an unspecific amount of caapi vine. Trying hard to get down half in the first ten minutes. Previously, half was all I had, and healing and visions occurred at a very pleasant low level. The bitter tang was sticking to the back of the throat, tannins, a perfect word for the way it feels. I have to slow down to resist the urge to gag. Over the course of about 30 minutes I drink and swirl and drink 4/5 of my bottle. I have aligned myself with the accounts that instruct to ‘listen’ to the spirit of the vine, and drink as much as you need. I poured some mimosa in a shot glass. Approximately 1/6 of an 8gram container bottle (1.3g) This was not as easy to drink as it was before, and kicking back was not gonna work, I had to sip and push down, not allowing the liquid against the back of my cheeks. After most of the said shot, though not all, I resorted back to sipping from the bottle. 1.5-2grams mimosa is my estimate.

I stopped when I had to. I could feel my stomache slowly rumbling. Building up. Tearing down. I relaxed on the bed. I knew I had to keep the mimosa in at least a half hour for it to take hold on me, so I buckled down and when my nausea moved on me I moved against it. Over the next hour I allow visions of ideas and thoughts to materialize. My realizations are slow and humored. For example, at one point I recall seeing myself fall underwater…and then realized I was bubbling… then realized someone was taking my picture… then realized I was drowning or something odd, but okay with it… and there were others, and the environment had great crumbled statues. Each realization was like a new revelation of discovery, a new amusement at the profound connection and interaction of all these things. It was really inexplicable and beautiful to see all these seemingly un related things begin relating to one another, out of sheer curiosity perhaps?

Once, as my stomach rolled with nausea, I pictured a lab gnome of some sort, scraping my pain into a dredged ball of tar-y gunk. I say lab gnome but that doesn’t quite fit the image, more like an animated little doctor with a large head and dark face full of concentration. I glanced at the clock. About 45 minutes since I had drank my mimosa. I stretched and rolled in bed, laid my head flat right next to my bucket, sure something would come up soon. I was getting blasts of electricity to the head, but the nausea was keeping me pretty grounded. I had some Buddha bar music on, and the sound of water left me with a quick vision of the bathroom well flooded, my head laying in a rising puddle of house water.

I laid down and began to think of my step father. I do not have positive feelings for him much. I realized how every since I had known him, all his (tough) actions were based on fear and insecurity. He was the type to never allow someone else to drive him, never allowed himself to not be in control, always acting like nothing could stop him. I realized that life is not about control, how if we try to hard to control it, we only limit it. I dwelled on these thoughts of him, and thought of how even though I had tried to resist and flee when I was young, I was always attached and never really found my own strength. I thought I had become much more him than I had ever realized. At this point the trip took a turn.

I had been lying down, and I called out to my girl. I wanted some bread so maybe I could hurl the nausea out of me. When I heard no response, rather the eerie quiet of everything on the other side of the door, I worried I had come to in a dream state, the light switch had been flipped on me. I sat up quickly. “Babe!!!!” I hollered out. Not a sound at all. “What the fuck!!!” I was feeling very lucid. The world appeared like a dream, but I was in full weight of my body. I looked at the bed as if I were still laying in it, though caught outside of myself. Everything was shimmering with clarity and the air was quiet. I panicked some. If I was in a dream, the thing to do would be to blast through the ceiling or appear somewhere else. Instead, thoughts of running through the house finding it empty and then running through the neighborhood frantically took hold. I was worried that if I was in a dream, how would I get back to my head? Would something trick me? Would some weird twist of dream fate occur and leave me in an inexplicable state? Just a primordial ‘coming to’ type of panic. To hallucinate or be in a strange place is one thing. But to feel as if I had just lied down and then bam popped out of my head, not knowing what weird shit would happen, ugh, it left me feeling very vulnerable. Later, near the end of my trip I translated this fear quit a bit, but we’ll get there in a moment.

For now, I sat on the bed, looking at the clock, wasn’t the time way off, the computer, didn’t I leave the keyboard the other way. I was just waiting for something ‘scary’ to happen. I decided I had to move forward. Not knowing what to expect on the other side of the door, I opened it hesitantly, but swiftly once cracked. I stepped out and saw my son in the living room. I hollered something out, and my girl heard me this time. Said she had been out in the garage. Exactly what she would say if I were in a dream. (same thing happened coming down on salvia, she affirmed her presence and I still felt like she was performing exactly the way my sub-con’ would have her) I told her I freaked out, I wanted her near. Immediately I had to run back to my room and purge. It was a quick splash, and I knew there would be more. Before I could get more up I had to purge out the other side also. I ran to the very near bathroom. Sat down and continued to purge through both sides. Through this I still questioned the reality of my state. Wondered to myself if this was ‘fake’ and I’d turn to find I had just puked next to myself. I realized I didn’t want to go any further. I asked the time, hoping it wouldn’t keep me long. I asked for a warm bath. This felt cold so I drained it and made it hot. I felt lucid still in the tub, like if I relaxed I might wake to find myself spinning down the drain, into the void, and I was very afraid to depart.

This is scary but frustrating. I have attachment issues, relationship and commitment struggles, and am not quite comfortable with my place in life. Before journeying, I tell myself I’m ready for the other side, ready to detach myself from my anchors and troubles. Then at the first hint of actually being present in the other side, I lose my nerve and cry out, like a baby for mother. This is not what I want. I want to be a strong one. I enjoy ambiguity and aimlessness. I have been in one long relationship that I’ve attempted to leave multiple times. I resist myself and my psychotic state worsens. But in the grips of a bad experience, I’m thankful and forgiving that I have someone to hold me through.

Still, I can’t help but feel that my soul yearns for an awesome strength on it’s own, unbound by explanations and questions and dues to others (we all have dues, but how we are able to deal with karma is limitless). We are all different here, and I don’t think anyone can tell me specifically what is ‘good‘. But I find myself more aligned with personas that resist long and grounded relationships. In my eyes, I’m a Kerouac or something, not a home body looking for love, but a road spirit looking for life. This is a feeling I remember when very young. The call of adventure and continuous change, the constantly rolling over in search of infinite beauty. These experiences show me how completely attached I’ve become, almost all out of the fear of not knowing what to do next, or hurting others. My journals are filled with ideas of destroying guilt, all life is selfish, even love, gathered up for us by us, and that first, one must harm that which he loves if one wants to grow. The rose sheds many blossoms, and takes many cuts, before it produces much more. But I have not been hunting myself out, only allowing endless ‘love/attachment’ to grow. But it’s an angry love, a hurt and spiteful love.

The rest of the trip I just waited out. I couldn’t stand to be still for too long in one position, as my conscious was just questioning the reality of everything. Some paranoia, wanting to get out of the house, see more normal stuff. About 4 hours after the start, I felt pretty baseline, but still apprehensive that I might be out of my body. I reflected on my experience. So what if I was in a dream, why did I allow that to make it so scary? Because weird shit happens in dreams, you never know what’s going to happen. Ah, I thought, I see. Life is strange too. We get complacent. But there is always a nearby story of something surreal happening to someone else. Strange shit COULD occur at any time in a dream, but also could in ‘real’ life. I took this fear as a sign to realize that you never know when that moment of ‘breaking’ will occur. That you have to face that life could throw you a curveball at any moment. And that neither life nor the dream are more real, but rather just different states/places. I accepted and moved past my fear of what if this or that is a dream. What if? Does it mean more or less? No I decided, whatever my consciousness takes in, that’s just it. I was still slightly apprehensive.

I was having all sorts of small insights, while trying to watch Willow with the family. I was very distracted, realizing that the thoughts of my step father culminated in my purge. Fascinated by the experience, because as I resisted early, I couldn’t help but think I was going to get so little healing out of it, that I turned down the chance to embrace freedom. But here I was gaining invaluably. I was not saying Stop being afraid, but rather actually letting go, and just deeply accepting, I am afraid. Still, a slight nervousness and anxiety in the gut. Until I realized something dark and quite meaningful.

I thought back to a dream I had had two nights before. It was very detailed and also long, I‘ll try to keep it simple here.

I remember being in an underground type facility, being questioned in a room, by speakers I could not discern. Questions of sexuality, intent, morals. To get down to this ‘interrogation’ room, I had to walk through a freezer in a grocery and go down stairs.

So somehow later in the dream a lady is leading me, my girl, and our child here. And on the way into the store I realize where she is taking us. I become anxious, I try to go with it, to say what more could they want, it’s just another scheduled ‘looking into‘. But as we got to the freezer door and this old lady opened it, I quickly thought ‘No, why would they want me again, of course they want to do more, of course they want to take it further!’ Who knows what they will try this time while I’m there. I grab a paper from the lady’s hand and run, my family already descending, I left them. In another aisle I rip this paper up and try to toss it. The store is populating now, and people are looking for me. I explain I’ve done nothing wrong and must be on my way.

Out of the store, I break into a crowded hall. Someone congratulates an acquaintance on his fame or performance of something, and by this I‘m frustrated. This figure had featured earlier in the dream, in similar fashion, taking praise from others. (it’s a weakness I’ve sought to leave behind, seeking the praise of people, but by the message in this dream it’s obviously still there) I bump past him and them in this crowded hall, and move quickly, like I feel I’m being chased. All my dreams consist of indulging in sex/drugs/excitement, or being chased by some type of agents. Countless places and over and over, something wants me, and I evade it running into glass elevators jumping off buildings, etc.

I ran down the hall, left into a bathroom, yellowed and small, much like one from an old family house. I don’t remember sitting for a shit, but I remember reaching in and tearing up paper. I don’t know if it was evidence of me, or again the paper from the old lady’s hand, but even with poo on it, I tore and tore it while flushing. I turned the shower on, all in a frenzy. I get in. About 1 minute into the shower, and low and behold a shadow crosses the ceiling as the door opens. I’m found. I awake. For the first time ever, I have run into a place where I cannot escape. For the first time ever, my shadow has trapped me, found me, defenseless. Putting this into perspective with my fears of the trip produced the most alleviating feeling I could imagine. A moment later all anxiety and gut feeling was gone. Tears ran down my face.

Later I console myself by saying whatever I have to face has to face me also. Whatever seeks to stare into me, also has to take my stare. I tried to strengthen myself with the idea. Though I still feel incredibly weak in front of whatever seeks me.

Other notes to add, what I gained from these light aya experiences;

I love how bouncy, springy I feel when it's worn down. I haven't taken high doses, so not sure if I might expect to feel 'worn out' from that, but each time I've drank my tea, I've felt pretty glowing as I take in life after the trip.

The visions I've had have only been closed eye really, but they are unique and strange, beyond normal dream time stuff. It's like watching a flame light in slow motion, putting memory with dream and fantasy and random beauty. It's quite pleasing at times.

I get matrix like visions of archaic symbols, acting like a webbing over things. I also seem to see being move around, waiting on me, waiting to welcome me properly. Checking on me. Also noted the feeling of being downloaded, and re-uploaded in different ways. Very cool stuff.

I hope I get to order more soon. I'm quite interested in reading more about pharmahuasca also. The cost of the vine is higher than the rue. And a lot of experienced members seem to agree that the healing is still quite strong with pharma. So, hopefully some caapi leaf, rue 10x, or harmine crystals, and some baby woodrose. Seems like good experiences there. Next I'll try to recall my first spice trips until now, only about 8 times, that is.

My first days with spice. A bit long it is.

I had my spice all readied up a few days after starting my extraction. My girl had smoked the night before, but I had been busy with other things. That morning, was bright, warm, with a small breeze, and I knew I wanted to try it. I was very hesitant though due to the quick onset of effects. The last drug I took that worked that fast was salvia, and I was on the ground in dreams before I knew what I had done with that second hit. I thought to myself, damn, I wish I could just eat a large dose of shrooms, but no such shrooms were to be found.

1.
Timidly, I held the pipe to my mouth. Butterflies in the gut, argh, put it down. No, not down, just hold it, let yourself want it. After a minute of holding it, and placing it to my mouth a time or two, I got the nerve I was looking for, to just inhale and try to enjoy. I smoked out of a small and cheap metal pipe, but drew the flame in very slow and easy, down to the ash that covered my spice pile. I held it in 20+ seconds, and blew out. At first feeling nothing.

Quickly, I started to feel a light buzz, running up my body, tingling my head. I closed my eyes, and instantly found myself going through sunlit tunnels, wavering halls of gold, in the nose dive of a roller coaster. I laughed out loud, I had been afraid and thought it was funny. I saw a gold colored room, with twisting pillars, pulsating, but nothing more really. When I opened my eyes everything had that clear HD look. Awesome.

I smoked again that morning, just a hit, and was interrupted by someone at the door knocking for my attention.

2.
A couple of days later, at a friends place, I decided to have some more in the sun. Again, a hit, but this time a half hearted second hit. I laid back. Odd images and noises, everything feels as if it will stop. I keep getting the sensation of 'how long is this gonna be' which is annoying. Enjoy the ride, I never asked when the ride was gonna stop on coasters, so I don't like getting that ancy nagging when's it over feeling.

Maybe it's the rush of intensity, the rush of imaginations floodgates being opened, oh shit, do I want this, what will I endure. Maybe just the opening of my anxious nature, that has slowly developed more and more. But from there on I try to forget the notion of 'how long will I be here'

3.
A couple more days pass and I've made a 50/50 blend of dmt and peppermint, so I could try to ease into it a bit more. This was smoked out of a homemade 20oz bottle. A hole cut in the lid, metal bowl taped in, with a carb and also a straw sticking out of the side. Now it was easier to drop the flame in, so a bigger hit could be grabbed a little quicker. Though I smoked it very 'lightly' still once lit.

One hit, or two, not sure, and I laid back on the bed. I closed my eyes and found myself in a tunnel. Reminiscent of roller-coasters that start in a tunnel. I saw pads of lights around, and a repeated image. (it was like I had seen my windows in front of me, layered again and again and again, and bent over me, this was my tunnel) I then shot down the tunnel, while lying, as a banging noise grew in my mind. Then a noise from the other direction, pure comforting love, like something was cradling me, bouncing with me, assuring me all was well. I instantly associated this with all mothers, and felt grace for my mother, who though now I am not talking with much, still nurtured me when for weeks I understood nothing.

The other noise continued to grow for a moment, banging, like a pot into my deepened head. Aha! The father anger, juxtaposed to all the reassurance that all would be well, I was hearing the noise and anger that tears everything down. I let it take me, and the sounds faded. Next, out of a sort of black hole, in my closed eyes, came all sorts of depraved silly images. Toys and teeth and tongues and eyes stretched and spinning. It was as if everything horrific, fun, and silly were all intertwined and nonchalant about it. Here we are, the images you let fall through the cracks.

4. Intending to do a light dose, I sat in a chair and listened to incubus. I had just administered some to a friend who enjoyed 5 minutes on the bed. I took my hit and small other. A little scared at first for some reason. Then images of chickens with swords, something I remember wanting to draw when about 13, 14. Attacking this way and that, and the music was really beautiful. I got the tryptamine grins, real real big over nothing, and just felt joy. It was a small trip, but reassuring and light.

5.
I drank about 10g of caapi I had diluted into a full cup of tea. Surprisingly tasty with crackers. An hour later I load up the 50/50 mix with some straight spice too, cap my metal bowl, and take off for the woods. I found a place, and worked against my slight apprehension that it was possible something could come up on me. I could see the road from where I was, but in all my time in those woods, had never seen anyone else go into them. This was not the best idea. I sat with a small rock in front of me, a small tree to my back. I took one hit, not quite as much as I could hold. When I sat back and looked at the trees in the sky, they seemed to be coaxing me, pulling me along. But immediately to my left, on the ground, was a white paper bag. I started to think I had stared at the trees long enough for something to come up on me, and I looked down at it. When I looked back up at the trees. I saw/felt a shadow approach me from behind. Again, my brain wasn't sure if it was counting time correctly, so I spun around. I realized I was feeling paranoid, as if some cop had just walked up on me. I sat there for a minute, wondering about the rush of sounds I was hearing, everything felt so slow. Soon a car was coming down the road across from me. I realized that my perceptions weren't that off, just very clarified in a way. The car that passed was a cop car. I wondered if I had pre-conceived that?

I was agitated that I had drank some of the caapi tea, and this was how my experience was turning out, fear and paranoia. As I walked home. I questioned reality and it's workings. What it meant for me to react so quickly to this shadow figure. I thought of father-authority figures, and how I've always felt at odds with them. I thought of my step-father and why I didn't like him or the police sometimes. That do what I say or else attitude. That 'I was hiding in the bushes and saw what you did' mentality. That moment of fun I was having, abruptly halted by the "HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING" These things were allowed to surface, so I could look at them for what they were, and not just shadows. So the experience of the trip seemed so small, but the result, seemed a lot gained.

6.
My latest trip told me to stop wasting time. Period. It wasn't going to give me something back until I gave it my faith and work. I'm not sure if it's just looking for more daily change/acceptance, or if it's waiting for me to breakthrough, but it came with no visuals, a slight anxiety, and a voice inside telling me nope, nothing more now at this level.

I've eased my anxieties by reading stuff around here, Using Psychedlics Wisely, and The Psychedelic Experience by Mr. Leary on ego loss. Just becoming aware that what I'm experiencing is completely normal transcendence.

It's all bullshit, this fear I mean, and I know I intend to face it fully sooner or later. So why wait. Let's hook it and book it. I might do like I've seen Vovin mention I think, and just keep a loaded pipe within arms reach. So when the whim hits I can hit it back.

Next I think I'll try to do as short as possible a write up on my salvia trip. Not like I remember more than 5 minutes of it, but the incredibility of the feelings, haha, were not lacking authenticity in any form.

Amazing thread! Not a single word was wasted in your descriptions, I really enjoyed it, and much of what you said "hit home", so to speak. I too seem to have quite an intense problem with "relationships" in general. Most of the time I'd rather be a free-spirited wanderer, taking everything life throws at me as it happens, but when it actually gets down to it, fear takes over, and it's much more comforting to HAVE SOMEONE THERE, someone whom you know will hold you when you need it, and you won't feel alone. When things are going good, then I get to thinking "I dont need my significant other, just in the way of me living my life to the fullest", but then when things get tough, you're so grateful for their presence, and they become the most important thing on your mind. Very dependent and attached. I'm also slowly working on this, I too have a lot of fear coursing through my blood vessels. I'm one of those people with an over-active mind, everything I do, my mind automatically lists the hundreds of different possibilities that could occur - and a lot of them just worsen the situation. It's just fear, fear of the unknown, and just learning from experience. You don't WANT to be attached, because in the past you had a bad breakup that shattered your world, but at the same time you dont want to be alone, and you want someone who is truly affectionate towards you.

You spice trip #6 is very similar to what I've been experiencing lately. Taking huge dose, but then feeling nothing, no visuals, anxiety, and a general "bad vibe". Fear is one thing, I've slowly been pushing myself further and further out of my comfort zone and facing fears, and it's been helping a lot. It's been showing me how much my fear inhibits so many things, and prevents me from living life to the fullest. Yes, death could happen at any time, so many things could happen at any time. Be cautious about it, but don't be over-dramatic, just face it, it will happen one day. That's what I've been trying to come to terms with lately. Even to the point of printing out many of the quotes of Nexians and taping them all over my room where we do spice. As I hold the vaporizer, I read over each of them, and repeat them in my mind. This has been helping a lot.

Really great to hear from you, looking forward to hearing more of your experiences. I feel a similar connection. My first psychedelic experience was a full-out salvia breakthrough, and that completely shattered my normal way of thinking. Was really distracted for weeks after (thank god it was during summer vacation so I had the luxury of not worrying about other things at the time).

I wish us both success with these various medicines!

Thank you for your interest, and I like the avatar.

Relationship problems are unique, no two exactly the same, so I'm sure many understanding minds know where we are coming from. Just another difficulty in coping with different sides of the self. Some of us want it all, and can't be blamed for it. For me personally, I never got my dog days like I should have, been together half my conscious life, so I still want that run about thing. I struggle with guilt issues, her giving everything to me and I just want to leave it for a good time. I wish I had never known her comfort when I get to tripping, b/c it is soo nice to have someone giving you warm open arms, I just wish I knew how to rely on self, or ignore feelings of warmth and comfort, they are opposed to feelings of conflict, which I like to thrive on at times.

I think one just has to get right down to what they value. And if they can handle their values. To me, it is of utmost importance that I make off on my own at sometime. But when, why, how, and where that is, constantly evade me. Lately, with various substances, I've begun to accept my position, and the fact that life does not always open for change, even if it might seem constant change is what it's about. Maybe not change where we expect.

It was so strange to me on my salvia trip, to realize my attachment, though I thought I had little. I didn't realize just how much I kept floating back to the same circle of people and activity, until all I wanted was those people and any activity. I see the problem with letting go, because I'm letting go of this, for that, when that really isn't letting go. Then too, while I value my solitude and opportunity for acting roles, I know that if something tragic were to happen to my love, I would not feel alleviated, I would feel pain and loss. So it's hard to place oneself in life where we would like, you wanted to hit a fastball and instead life threw a curveball, who knew?

I've been practicing more stretching, dreaming, and accepting lately. DMT has undoubtedly tuned me into a highly receptive state. I would say tuned into an imaginative world, but that's disrespectful to those ancestors who called it the spirit world. I would say spirit world, but that's disrespectful to those who say it's just internal/imagination. Receptive. Just observing what 'is'. My dreams are markedly different than before journeying. I'm giving everyone shit in my dreams, not taking their lip, not running from agents anymore, (and if you understood that I ran from something 5-6x a wk you'd understand that it feels crazy to not see that) So I'm interested in what more work can do for me. But personally I'd like a more quiet reserved place for such excursions, as the up/down love/hate torment of my relationship is not something I find most conducive to taking trips to the dark side of the self. I'm thinking of a sacred place, got a solo tent, might start spending 6-10 days a month or more on the road, checking out the landscape. I feel deprived from the beautiful in these neighborhoods.

Yes, death becomes a lot more interesting after you acknowledge it in a trip. We see it everyday on TV right? Hear about it on the news daily. It really becomes meaningless when you don't see it with your heart, hear the last choking breath come out, all that jazz. I watched my dog die a couple years ago, did a little number on me, more than expected.

There's lots of good words here that I find encouraging, we make up the frontier here. There is no outer land we can reach like this one. In my view, through use of these substances, we are making a flat world round. Leave the comfortable and the known, it is all that is old, enter the dark and the cold, and bring your light to new lands, your eyes to new sights, and sing and dance new life into being. We are lions and bears in spirit, alpha predators of the evolved human mind, present to stake claim in unfathomed beauty. A slightly romanticized view of what lies ahead.

I feel so horrible because I have the same issue in myself. Her giving everything, and yet I'm still sometimes thinking of leaving it all for something a lot more meaningless. I REALIZE this, and you do too, which is why the intense guilt comes up. I find recently whenever I'm about to do any trips/etc/ I always make sure that she's in the room, watching over me. Almost like I need a mother figure, or someone to comfort me when things go bad. Even though I KNOW nothing bad can happen (physically...noones ever died from DMT, most likely never will unless they have some heart conditions, etc). Yet, my mind still wanders back to that thinking pattern "I'll just wait till she's home." Only now that I think about it, perhaps I need to build up the courage and work on my fear myself. I really like your idea of building a personal space in which to trip, or to just go on the road for a week or so by yourself.

I had an experience recently where I went hiking on one of the more intense trails. A 5 day journey, and really pushing it. There were a few nights where I was gripped with fear. One of the nights, happened to be VERY foggy, and almost looked like a scene out of a horror movie, and we chose this very shady place to camp. You had to do a little scaling of some steep rocks to get down to the cove. The only way in, the only way out, and it was pretty tough descent (for me anyways). That night ALL kinds of thoughts were running through my head: what if the tide rose too high and we were swept into the ocean, would be impossible to scale the rocks if it was wet, noone would ever notice us or hear us down here, what if bears or wolves came down and attacked, etc...etc...etc. The whole time just one scary thought after another, I had ridiculous trouble sleeping. The sound of the waves crashing so close to us kept me awake, some of them were so thunderous against the rocks. I don't think I've ever been so (unnecessarily) scared my whole life. And all kinds of thoughts passed my mind that night, especially ones of "I can't wait to get back home into the warm arms of my lady."
However, as much as the fear took over me, nothing bad happened. We awoke the next morning, carried on, and finished the trail days later (it was a 75km hike). I got over MANY fears that intense week of trekking, one was my fear of heights and climbing ladders, since there were TONS of ladders on the trail, scaling huge cliffs, up and down. Before this trip, you'd have a hard time getting me on a ladder to change the lightbulb on the ceiling haha, but during the trip I encountered so many of these ladders, and eventually it just didn't phase me as much anymore. I knew all the potential tragedies that could occur on them, but after 2 days they moved to the back of my mind. It was refreshing to see how much I improved myself over the course of only 5 days. So I'm gonna try and take what I learned and approach most of my fears that way. Just DO IT...just keep facing that fear, and eventually you'll realize it's unnecessary, and hindering. I'm still afraid of DMT, but slowly starting to accept what it can do. I don't think I would be so afraid of it had I not had the extremely scary Salvia trip. That was probably not the best way to be introduced to psychedelics, but nonetheless, that's life. I think I need to face my salvia fear and go back in. Do it alone, so I know that my strength is coming from myself, and not from the presence of someone else. That's probably an important thing.

Hmm, haha thanks for your post, I felt like I needed to share a bit of myself here too, hope you don't mind!




I like the sound of that!

Hey man, congratulations on your trip, it doesn't sound too easy from here, I'm sure you faced a lot. Glad you feel like you are growing from it. One of the things that fascinated me about my salvia trip was that I was finally confronted with something I was absolutely afraid of. I knew I had been hiding from fears here and there, but finally, I had a way to face my fears directly, and it sat in a bag that would fit anywhere.

I've stayed out in the country for weeks plus at a time, I remember the fear sometimes, just there, for no apparent reason, what's that!?!. What gets me is the legality of camping here or there, I just don't wanna be fucked with you know? I've got a trip I'm planning now, without substances, just to get associated with moving on my own again, in solitude, etc, and then I've got my eyes on a good place to find hyperspace. I want to sort of make a ritual of my first break through, not just do it, sitting in my chair.

I most definitely would not be this hesitant without my humbling salvia experience. I am of the approach 'take it to the limit' and get the most out of it kinda thing. That's why I stuffed two bowls of salvia and tried clearing them both on my last breakthrough, all for naught? or not? lol, I thought, this ought to do, and do me in it did. I'm partial to doing more work with salvia before breaking through with DMT. But, people, places, swinging moods, they are all in the way, I'd rather come at it clear and ready. And I will.

As far as the guilt comes. Remember that social values construct those feelings. Our society makes a big fuss about duty and reciprocating. But do you have a duty to yourself? What is the harder path? Giving yourself to others, or hurting them to give to yourself? Value, guilt, will, gotta be seen without firm belief. In my mind, see it as a fire, a fire that dims when not kindled, and though I love my family, within their value system, my fire grows dim. They see no or little value in what I do.

Paraphrasing here, 'What is the most heroic thing one can do? Go out to meet at once both your highest hope, and your greatest suffering.' Nietzsche