I took combo trip today (oral + smoke). 500mg mimosa with rue extract orally, with some sublingual caapi extract. An hour later, just as I could feel the the mimosa kicking in, I smoked about 20mg freebase.
After smoking, I put my head down, and the first thing I remember was seeing some kind of psychedelic face amidst a background of brilliant reds that I usually see when I take harmine. It was a male face. I just had the sense it was watching over me. I wondered when the face would disappear because I don't normally see faces, or elves, as some call them, and I was a bit afraid of it. Afraid it would become scary, but it never did. I was a little afraid of the face until I gave up all will, or all will was taken, and then I was fully immersed in to a completely different dimension. All ego dissolved, the face that was looking at me up until this point disappeared, and gave way to an entrance to another dimension.
From there, I was immersed in a place outside of anything that can be understood. It was a total collapse of all reality as I know it, and it was the most beautiful transcendent thing I have ever experienced. It was hyper real, yet it did not exist. It was full of light, yet completely dark. There were magnificent colors, yet I have no idea what colors. There were shapes and objects, yet I cannot describe them. It was ancient, yet timeless. There was a whole universe of activity, yet it was completely still and unchanging. It made perfect sense, yet had no sense to it whatsoever. It was total aliveness, yet devoid of personal consciousness. It had no memory, or knowledge, yet knew everything intrinsically. It was all powerful, yet completely benign. It was the most incredible experience of my life, yet I have no specific memory of it, only a sense of it. A sense that whatever it was transcends everything I know. Infinitely greater than myself, yet not separate from myself. I spent some time in this dimension that I like to call “The Dazzling Dark” where I had no mind, no bonding surface to recognize anything as “me” or separate from me. There was only….. that which cannot be known.
An indescribable inner universe was revealed, and it moved. Upon returning, I had the sense that I was moving through this other universe, being shown impossible things, seeing other worlds, deities, divinity, and it was all being shown out of love. That is, “love” is the only word I can use to describe this phenomenon. I had the sense that love was responsible for everything that I was seeing. Love exists, and then manifests as the divine light. The love and the light were a single phenomenon happening at the same time. There was love, and movement, and divine light, and it was manifesting as a moving universe that morphs and changes in response to the evolution and moving of love. I had the sense that is how this physical universe works as well. Like it’s a divine cosmic story, all being played out for the purpose to express the love of God….. but this is something that can’t be understood by the mind. It can only be intrinsically understood. I had the sense that as mundane and brutal as this world may seem in comparison to the divinity of the dimension of the dazzling dark, I had the sense that this world is every bit as important as the dimension of the divine. I sensed that this world co-exists with the divine, they feed off each other and are simultaneously occurring. I had the sense that something in the divine world watches our world with great interest, and watches with as much love and care as one would expect of a divine God.
As I started coming back, I realized there was no possible way I could understand or put in to words what I had just experienced. I realized that whatever I just experienced was beyond mind. It is not a phenomenon that can be understood using the senses, or logic, or words. It is an intrinsic understanding of the divine spark of creation, which I cannot express through words. And the realization that the universe as we know it is a temporary, illusory phenomenon. And as I came back to this reality, I remember thinking, “how could I possibly be unsatisfied with anything in life in the face of this majesty? My God…..”. I guess it’s like the movie Contact where the woman who goes to space sees the galaxy and is overwhelmed with beauty and says, “I had no idea…. I had no idea”. And I'm sitting there thinking, "I have absolutely no idea what I am, or what I have just seen. I only know.... it is glorious".
At some point, I remembered that I had a body, and I exploded up gasping for air, thinking that I had died, and wondered how I could possibly experience such a thing and still be alive. Then I just smiled and realized it’s all just part of the trip, I can relax again. I thought I had been unconscious for a very long time, but when I heard the same song was playing as when the trip started, I realized only about 3 minutes had passed. I thought, “no…. that’s impossible! That’s just impossible! It can’t be!” I was so certain that I was out for a good long time. I felt like I had lived a whole other life.
I relaxed back in to the trip, and went through similar things a couple times over. Each time I would re-awaken, and be astonished that only a few minutes had passed. In total, only about 7 minutes had passed before I was pretty much back in control, though still under the influence of the oral mimosa and harmalas. I went to lie down in bed, and spent the next while still half in a place of total indescribable ecstasy. I was in control of my faculties, yet my spirit was soaring somewhere else. Again, I felt as though I was travelling somewhere, yet I have no way to describe where I was, or what I was seeing. It was joy beyond joy, utter fulfillment, total aliveness, and a holy light of radiant love. I was lying there, and every so often the joy would become so intense that I would just cover my face and smile and say, "oh my God.... wow... oh my God".
Eventually, I decided to get up and go for a walk. It was the first really cold day of the season, and with strong winds. This was the first day the temperature went well below freezing, though the cold would not bother me this day. For most of my life, I have been prone to depression in the winter. Sometimes, very bad depression. I was first introduced to psychedelics last spring, just as the weather was getting nice. The use of dmt resulted in the best times of my life in the warm months this year. But I have wondered since the cold weather started rolling in, will this winter be any different from previous winters? It’s been hard to imagine myself being happy in winter. I wondered if my ayahuasca would actually help me live a normal life this winter.
I walked to a cemetery as the sun was setting, and decided to visit my grandmother. But first I’d walk through the meandering pathways of the tree spotted land… a place that was once rich with plant life in the summer was now only tombstones and barren trees that howled in the wind. Such a scene would have been extremely depressing to me in the past, but not today. As I was walking through the cemetery, I felt embraced by a healing, loving energy, and I had a beautiful ayahuasca vision. In the vision, I imagined myself as a spirit, and watched the progression of my own spirit through years past. In the summer months, my spirit was alive and full of life energy, but in the winter months, my spirit would get lost and lose its life force, and become cold and sad and alone.
I imagined for many years now, my spirit had been lost, wandering alone through a desolate cemetery in the cold darkness of the winter. My spirit was always trying to find its way out of the cold and loneliness, but could never find its way out in the winter months. But through the darkness, a warm healing spirit appeared and approached me. The spirit enveloped me, filled me with warmth, and love. I realized it was the spirit of my grandmother, giving me the love that raised me to be the person I am. The spirit that surrounded me created a veil. I was within a bubble of warmth, and through this veil of love, the outside world appeared entirely different. No longer was the winter world a place of cold harshness. But now through this veil of healing energy, it appeared majestic and profound, full of the same spark of the divine that gives life to the planet at the height of spring.
The spirit communicated with me that there is no need to be depressed anymore. This is going to be the winter of healing. For years I have been cocooned in darkness, but the spirit I was in contact with was telling me that this is the year that I rise, that I am reborn, that I begin to truly live my life. This is the year that I phoenix out of the darkness and begin to soar. From there, I was shown many images of all the bad and depressing things that I have gone through in winter, all the depressing and soul crushing thoughts. Every bad memory that appeared, it was like the loving spirit within saw that thought and when the spirit touched the memory, it would say, “healed”, and like that the bad memories vanished, or felt like they were no longer obstructions. Then another memory would show, “healed”…. It’s healed, you can move on. You are absolved. Memory after memory was healed and absolved.
I reached my grandmother’s grave and kneeled there as I meditated as sun went down. I basked in the healing energy surrounding me, thanked my grandmother for giving me life, and thanked God for my existence. By the time I got up, it was completely dark outside, but the light within my soul was shining radiantly…… something that for many years, I would not have thought was possible in the cold months alone in a cemetery. But on this day, my spirit found its way out of darkness, and now I know there is no more need to be afraid of the cold, or the dark.