when i was 19 years old in the marine corp just months after the first gulf war i took part in a human drama that forever changed me. the place was Yuma Arizona the year was 1992 and i was a pretty street smart but very naive Italian street kid looking for some meaning in life. i had never been in trouble before and did average in school. kind of a smart ass but i had a good heart.


i was stationed in Arizona after infantry school in North Carolina. many of the older marines just back from deployment in the gulf were using cocaine and speed, maybe to cope with the war, maybe we were all just really bored in the desert who knows but it became a habit very quickly and my life soon turned out of control.

after the realization that i couldn't stop on my own i decided to ask for help. my commanding officers had watched my performance fall off but weren't sure why. i had a bright future in the marines and did my job very well until the drugs came into the picture. i came to the point where i had enough and wanted help.

i entered my Sgt Majors office a broken young man in need of help. i confessed to him my problem and my desperate plead for treatment. his eye's stayed cold as ice the whole dialogue. this is the military your not getting a hug from anyone but even still i could tell this wasn't going good. his lip curled ever so slightly in disdain. when i finished speaking he paused with an aggravated sigh.

he informed me that he had to think about it. when i asked what he had to think about his reply dropped me to my knees. he informed me he had to decide whether he should give me help or send me to court martial. in other words have me arrested and sentenced for a crime.
words cant express how betrayed and scared i felt. i had just handed my executioner the rope to hang me with. he told me he wanted me to meet with the naval intelligence agency and if i was honest and helpful he would allow me to go to the navy's addiction treatment center in California.

the next day i complied and met with these individuals. after an all day interview in which i answered questions about the drugs things like how many times i used them, did i bring them on base, did i ever sell some to a friend ext..
at the end of our recorded conversation i asked when was i leaving for treatment? i was told "go to your barracks and we will contact you shortly". i didnt feel good about that but i so desperately wanted to be free of these drugs that where ruining my life so i complied. again.

as the days passed i knew something was wrong. i decided to leave the base go to my family and get the help i needed . i was ordered to stay in my room and leaving base was now disobeying a direct order at this point. i packed just what i needed and started off to my car. a fellow marine passed me on the cat walk that knew my situation. he called the MP's on me and i was arrested by force at the gate of the base.
i remember the surrealness of that moment. utter confusion....the spot light blinding me from the multiple police vehicles, the police dogs barking with fangs gleaming anxious to be released on me, commands coming from a loud speaker and tears rolling down my face at the thought of why was this happening to me?

i came to in a holding cell. after a quick cold shower i was given some orange scrubs to wear and signed some paper work informing me i was being confined indefinitely until my trial for narcotics trafficking/distribution and a list of a dozen felony charges. i remember my legs went weak and i had a hard time standing up. i trembled and couldn't speak.

they lead me to a small dark cell with a wood slab as a bed a wool blanket and a sink/toilet. there was no light other than the peep slot on the cell door. this was solitary confinement and every prisoner spent the first 3 days there before they allow you to a regular cell with a cell mate. this was to ensure you wouldn't step out of line in fear of going back to the hole. in the hole you were only allowed to lay flat for 6 hours a day. you weren't allowed to talk, sing or even hum. they gave me a military handbook but it was too dark to read it anyway so you spent most of your day just sitting there. its the most uncomfortable mental torment i have ever experienced.

there was a small air duct in the ceiling i could see a pin dot of daylight through. this was how i counted the days. after 1 week i again knew something wasn't ordinary here. the rules were impossible to follow and they kept adding on undisclosed time to my punishment each time they caught me laying down or talking to myself. i counted 19 days in total but im pretty sure it was longer but after 19 days i was no longer sane. i had lost my mind.

i had made a couple of little figurines out of the empty toilet paper rolls and heads were wadded up paper. they kept me company and it eased the torture a bit. i recall the exact feelings of becoming insane. it wasn't all that bad it was all my mind could do to protect me. the hallucinations were sometimes beautiful, fire-flys all around me like i was back in Vermont at my Grandmothers farm. i could hear my little dolls think and we would communicate telepathically.that would keep me going for just another day. the ugly side was the rocking back and forth and strange behaviors. those were quite sad.

there was somehow an observer within me through this all and that's the only reason i think i made it out ok. i could somehow see this all happening slightly out of body. there was still a part of me tethered to the old me and that never left. i know if that connection broke i would not be coming back....

---

i will post part 2 in a little while. please bare with me there will be a point to this story i assure you. re-telling this is something i have only done 2 times in my life and it can be very emotion filled so i need to walk away for a bit.

im very nervous to post this but i was told its important to take this gamble and put myself out there to overcome a personal road block in my life. thank you for allowing me a safe place to do this.


much love

OM'

great read, and pretty harrowing stuff. Can't imagine how hard that was! thanks for sharing, it's appreciated. I'm looking forward to the second part.

Thanks for sharing this, I know how trying to express one's deep experiences can be very moving psychologically! Take your time and know that you have all the support from this community.

* very much waiting for part 2

Thanks for sharing this experience with us. May you find all the healing you desire. It's been great getting to know you.

Damn. Was it the sargent majors elaborate plan to break you and make you quit cold turkey in solitary? It doesn't sound like a comedy from part 1... I'm glad you came back from your descent into madness anyways. Or did you?

Nice to see that you have faith in fellows here on the nexus, I'm sure it is mutual and hope everyone is this trusting. I have no experience with these issues but you paint a good picture. Hope this has been resolved for you. Looking forward to part 2.

Peace always.

Thanks for sharing this. You have lived a lot in a short period of time, my friend. I look forward to part 2 - when you're ready.

Cheers,
JBArk

thank you all for the amazing support and loving words.
ouro- i chose the words "human comedy" as in the classic novel which if anyone's read is anything but a comedy. maybe i should change that since its reading strange, thanks.

---

part -2

this part gets a bit blurry but i recall the day having my little paper friends discovered. i was observed talking to them by a particularly cruel guard Sgt. Wr. he entered my cell and ordered me to hand them over. he took them away from me and told me this was going to cost me. it sure did. when he closed that cell door i felt that was a breaking point. i collapsed on the floor and no longer cared about anything let alone breaking their stupid rules by laying flat un authorized. i recall being ordered to comply by the head guard and i think i wasnt making any sense when speaking because after he saw me like this i was put into a larger cell with the other prisoners the next day.

it turns out fate was served with a side of irony that day, you see one of my 4 cell mates was the guy from the cat walk who called the police on me the night i was arrested. i almost couldn't believe my eye's neither could he. he looked very scared and i think i looked like an insane monster by this point. lucky for us both i was far to broken of a person to take any type of revenge or action. i more wanted to hug him than hit him after 20 plus days in solitary detoxing from meth alone in the dark with no love or human touch. we actually developed a strong bond in the coming months.

as the days past i quickly became my old self. my thoughts were quickly turning to my grimm situation and bleak future. my case had been handed over to a very well known ruthless military prosecutor Lt.laz we will cal him. as the weeks passed by i was informed he was pushing for the max sentence of 25 years imprisonment for my "crimes" i was also reminded by the the guards on a regular basis that Lt. laz really had i thing for me and he was going to make sure an example was made. i just figured they were just fucking with me until one evening i got a visit from the very feared man himself, Lt.Laz.

he came to do required inspection of the cells and prisoners. a bullshit pony show to show that everyone is being treated well and fairly. during this inspection we all had to stand at attention the whole time. the Lt asks everyone if they have eaten that day and crap like that. when he came to me i was shaking like a leaf. his name tag looked a hundred times bigger than life. he stood over me like a dark presence and spoke quietly which made it even more intense. he said "so your the one? do you know who i am? im going to make sure you never have children, do you know that?" i replied yes i knew who he was and what he intended to do. he then said good luck and left the cell.

as the weeks turned to months words wont describe the feelings i had. i was allowed on work party's breaking up old parking lots by hand. while outdoors i would look at a squirrel and think how lucky that critter was to be free. something i never once considered before was how precious freedom was. i would trade places with anyone.

getting to be outdoors was the most amazing thing. you appreciate everything so much when your stripped so low. just having a pillow was a huge thing. my bed at night felt so good and i was so happy to have it. during work party's being out side with the sun and fresh breeze was like paradise for just a few hours. one day i noticed quickly how good i felt at that moment and then something clicked!

the past was awful and painful, the future was terrifying, but at that moment in the sun life was perfect and beautiful. in fact i dont know if i have ever felt that happy before or since this moment. i felt no fear because as long as i could stay in the moment and appreciate all these little treasures my life had meaning. my life was in a sense beautiful and purposeful. it took having my freedom taken away to learn how to free myself!

from that day forth everything was different, i felt a love for all things and all people and had this slight smile constantly that started getting me into trouble with the guards. they thought i was up to something
anyways one night in bed i was laying in the dark thinking. i was thinking about Lt. Laz and why he hatted me so much. i realized we had never met so i must remind him of someone or something that hurt him very badly. i pictured him as a small child and it clicked, he didn't hate me.... it had nothing to do with me... he was in terrible pain! that was it it seemed so obvious why didn't i see this before.

as a layed there wondering what could have happened i felt so helpless. i wanted to make him feel what i felt at peace but how. thats when the words of some Sunday school teacher came to me "pray,... even for your enemy's pray".

this notion always seemed so ridiculous but now took on new meaning. i wasn't religious at all and never really prayed but it was worth a shot. i would pray each night that the pain he suffered in life that was making him act so angry and vengeful be healed. i prayed that he would find a place in his heart like i did and finally know peace. i prayed that he forgives who ever it was that hurt him so that he could know the lesson i just learned from him that when you forgive another person you free yourself from all the pain. the burden of keeping this with you is tremendous. your actually forgiving yourself and surrendering this load. for this i prayed for over 6 months.

in that time i had no fear. Lt laz or the guards didn't scare me anymore and i certainly no longer hated them. i thought about Lt. Laz often but it came from a concerned place rather than fear or anger. i would picture him at his desk and id send him love. as corny as that sounds every time i did this i felt love pour into me 10x greater. i was realizing there was no separation between me and Lt.Laz. i couldn't do anything to him that i wasn't doing to myself.

as i approached the 1 year mark i was still in this state of appreciation and peace. unbeknown to me my family members and old teachers had been writing letters to the base commander on my behalf. these letters had trickled their way into his office and he called for a meeting with my appointed attorney.

after 13 months in confinement they had reached an agreement which would be finalized in my court martial...

the morning of the court marshal was quite an exciting day to say the least. if everyone stuck to their guns i would be going home released as "time served". this was quite a stretch from a prosecutor that wanted my blood just months before. before we entered the courtroom Lt. Laz approached me and my attorney. he looked different. he looked "brighter" like he had this glow about him that wasnt there. he ASKED if he could have a word with me which seemed insane considering he was an officer and i was prisoner. i said of coarse.

he told me this. "marine i dont know you personally but you sure as hell have a lot of people who love you. maybe i had you pegged wrong. maybe you just made some poor choices. learn from this and stay out of trouble, ok?"

not the most climatic words but none the less very moving. i like to think Lt. Laz possibly had a bit of healing during the time i spent imprisoned.perhaps my prayers were heard by someone or something. maybe we both gained our freedom that day together. at that moment i truly saw how we were all just ONE through the whole drama.


thank you for reading this long ass story.
this place and its community have helped me grow and better my life. how could i ever thank you all enough.
much love,

OM'

beautiful story. I was just pointing out how unfunny the cruelty of your captors seemed, but I understand the lightheartedness you are using on the subject. Then again, sometimes those events weigh very heavily on the heart and nervous laughter serves as a deflection. I think you have a serious, enlightened tone and I can tell from the writing you learned deep lessons. Thanks!

Great posts Olympus Mon!

The benefits gained from sincerely forgiving others cannot be underestimated; catharrtic liberation is the reward for him/her who forgives those whom he/she feels are the oppressor.

Looking at things from a slightly skewed perspective, your story suggests the ultimately pragmatic approach the powers that be used in terms of dealing with your chemical dependance.They new damn-well that your 'wash-out' period was not truly a hazard to your life so they put you in a position to just get on with it.Cruel but effective and ironically enough, this approach is also used in places like NW Pakistan to cure those addicted to heroin.Two weeks in a cave somewhere with food and water brought to the afflicted withdrawing addict,no 'tea and sympathy' or other torment-easing manouevres.By all accounts the cure-rate over there is alot higher than here in the West where the process of effecting the cure is, in some ways, counter-productive.The pain of full-on withdrawal teaches a lesson that is more likely to stick with the addict and serve as a deterrent to relapsing.

Once agin, excellent posts, and thanks for sharing them!

WoW!

I feel for you brother. As I'm sure you know Olympus I am a retired Marine myself. I wish I could say that I am suprised that you were treated that way, however I am not. I am genuinely ashamed when I here stories like this. That being said, let me just say that having been a senior Staff Non Commissioned Officer myself when I left in 98 that how you were treated is, officially, NOT the way way the Corps is supposed to treat its members who have a drug problem. Back in the 80s and 90s when I was in there was a voluntary disclosure policy that stated that if a Marine came to his command of his own free will and disclosed the fact that he had a problem The priority would be treatment and not punishment. The Idea is that NO ONE is going to come forward with problem if they think they are going to get thrown in jail.

I gotta say this story is all to common. Marine Corps leaders need to take care of their subordinates. I can tell you that there are allot of great sargeant majors out there that would have gotten you the help you needed.

I am sorry for what happened to you Olympus. I really am. Thats a damn shame.

I apreciate you sharing that story. I know what the Marine Corps penal system is like. That was sooo hard to endure I am sure. You are lucky you had a family the was persistent.

What a story. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Wow is right. What a story and what a fucked up situation. That you were able to use it as a vehicle toward growth says a lot about you as a person. You've got a tremendous amount of inner strength. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Thank you for sharing this with us, I realize it must have been very difficult. Thank you for putting forth your trust in our small community. Thank you, everyone for showing each other such profound, overwhelming support and love on these forums.

Thank you for reminding those of us whom have forgotten the true nature, and meaning of being a human in this world of limitless possibilities.

Incredible that you could find and nurture this love, this forgiveness, despite such opposition. Inspiring. Glad to hear your story, one squirrel to another

truly inspiring.

Very strong man, very strong. I was moved deeply by this. Thanks for having the courage and strength to share this with the community, so much appreciated. You learned some powerful and important lessons of life right there friend, and such a wonderful person you seem to be judging from this story. May the rest of your journey be a little easier, may you share some of that inner strengt to the ones that have forgotten they have it and may you forgive anyone that do you harm: It is right as you say that it has probably nothing to do with you, they're just in pain themselves, trying to take from your box.

Great life story, great lessons olympus mon! Could not breathe while reading your words. One of the most tense and intenses stories I've ever read here. Thank you immensely for sharing.

Olympus Mon

Wow you are an inspiration man, compassion is the most powerful tool that i know of... Everything in our lives happens for a reason, when i look back at my life at the most difficult and terrible times i can always see method to the madness of life's experiences. There is so much hidden meaning within our experience of consciousness, i wish you all the happiness in your life's journeys my friend.


Much Peace and Compassion

Wow that is some intense life right there Olympus_mon. I am sorry that you had to suffer through this, but inspired immensely all the same. I am very grateful that you had such support from the people who cared about you. In retrospect, reading your posts, it is easy to see how this experience has helped bring about your presence here. I have really appreciated the help you have given me on the forum to this point.

1 <3.

Perhaps the bigger example was not made to others, but to your own self? I beleive there is wisdom in this, and dignity just in the fact you could share this. One step towards defining yourself, if only from a small time span within your life.

A good read from the heart, thank you for sharing.