This life is unchangable.
Every step foreward is followed by one step backward.
How is it possible to find the key to the future?
Its all i'm thinking about. For many hours every day.
It's become an obsession, but i can't help it because the frustration has become unbearable.
This life is unchangable, i stopped believing in change.
The future doesn't exist for me anymore. There is only the now... in misery... forever.


I have recieved tons of great advise which make absolute sense to me.
I've had psychedelic experinces which were great.
Yet, neither the advice nor the psychs changed me permanantly.
One step foreward, one step back. Since i stopped having intense dmt experiences, almost my whole "new being" has reverted back. No overflowing love ...nothing to give to other people.

All i can do is ask for help. Even though it never helps. The only friend i see on a constant basis is already shutting down. Everyone got their own problems to deal with.

People can't handle my negativity even though i try my best to hide it, because i hate to drag other people down. There is always some seeping through though...and so its a steady decline, interrupted by the ocassionally "good days" were everything is almost forgotten...

...and then, the simplest tasks make me bow down and beg the earth for forgiveness. My limit is just beyond the shell of my body.

Over the years, not finding the key has grown to, what feels like a matter of life and death.
I don't see many options nowadays ...and just try to keep afloat. I have a vague idea of a perspective. But will i ever be able to actually work on it? I don't know.

I'm so used to darkness, it has become a part of me...i don't notice my own negativity.
Even if i feel happy, i do not reach a level of what for others would be sadness.

I understand now why people take strong opiates. They'Ve lost all hope ...heroin keeps them alive. Is it any different, to take strong psychedelics? Sure they can change life, but only if you believe in change.

ya..i know we have had this conversation before obliguhl..have you ever actaully stuck to a diet long enough to start to feel better?..have you gone out and gotten actaul tests done or talked to a proper nutritionalist?..I dunno what else to say, becasue I was there trust me..in and out of doctors offices all the time..and at the end of the day its all on YOU..you are the only one that can really change the way you are, there isnt a person out there who will just do it for you, and why should they? I had to learn this the hard way..if someone else has to do it for you I would question how badly YOU want it anyway..thats tough love I guess but thats the way it is..sometimes we have to suck it up and stop worrying about extra crap outside of ourselves so that we can actaully learn to focus on doing something actaully benificial for ourselves..

You seem to always have tons of anxiety etc in the chat and it comes through in your posts man..and trust me I get it and dont take any of this the wrong way..but if you arent really making changes 100% in your life and throwing yourslef into that and sticking it out then dont expect some miracle to save you.

We have had this discussion about diet before..more than once I know..and im dead serious..it changes EVERYTHING..everything starts with diet, then your atmosphere..if you are physically run down and not eating right it really fucks you up..stress then makes all that worse and it becomes a reinforcing feedback loop that seems hopeless from the inside..and if you really think you have hit rock bottom then there really isnt anywhere to go but up, is there?

Now I dont personally know you or where you are coming from but I hate seeing people down on themselves...



I don't believe you are supposed to find the "key" to the future... life is about the journey and not the destination. One way to start looking for the "key" though would be to build a pyramid. The base of this pyramid is hedonism, the present, the now. If you can't enjoy the base of the pyramid, how are you to step up to the next layer in the pyramid? (looking towards the future) There would be no stepping stone. So unless you secure a good base, then there will be no "key" to the future for it is unattainable. Live for you now, as the future will always come.

As for "one step forward, one step back"... again i'll do an analogy. Life to me is like a dark room the size of a stadium lets say with some people in it. At the start, you start with you're hands by your side, walking around. Every so often you might bump into these people unexpectedly and act accordingly, either saying "sorry" or chatting with them for a while. From this event, you will learn to maybe do a "marco-polo" game with the other people as to not run into them or keep your hands in front of you. This is your step forward. Later on you bump into someone again and act accordingly. Now even though this may seem so, THIS IS NOT A STEP BACK! This is the constant game of gathering knowledge. From this experience you gather more knowledge, but more importantly from this experience is IF and HOW you USE this new knowledge. So life is not "unchangable", there is no "step forward and step back", it is only what you make of it and how you use your knowledge gained through life. As fractal said, only you can enable change in your life.


Is contradicted with the following statement...


I believe you just solved your own problem.... self motivation...

Stay happy, enjoy life!

ElusiveMind

Baby steps, baby steps

P.S. Diet was my first thought too. You could try doing a fruit fast for a week or so? Or just eating fruit until dinner? I've gotten "unstuck" before by going to mainly fruit. Works like a charm. Take care.

It always comes down to inner Will.

You have to understand your present state and WANT to work on it and evolve. It's not by being pessimistic that you'll evolve. If you just try to convince yourself that you CAN be happy, you will eventually start believing in yourself and people will come to you. Don't you see you're stuck in a vicious circles? You only need to CHOOSE to change (instead of waiting for it) and the vicious circle will disappear.

Obli, hugs!

I have definitely been through intense periods of darkness in my life, too, where change or anything different seems absolutely unimaginable... but you can make it out the other side.

Sometimes getting involved with some kind of an activity can help, just for change. I was feeling really down about being alone, so I went and joined karate. It feels really good to be active, to make new friends. That might not be your cup of tea, but some kind of activity might be something to consider.

Above all, DO remember to love and be compassionate with yourself! Little, small things add up over time. Remember to treat yourself gently, nurturing, with love. Be patient. Do one little nice thing for yourself everyday. Make an effort to eat better, to take a hot bath, to do something healthy that also feels good. Hang out with yourself. (I've really learned the art of dating myself. )

Hang in there!! The sun is always behind the clouds! <3

whenever im trollin, im hatin, hehe
yeah man - this "The future doesn't exist for me anymore. There is only the now... in misery... forever. "
sounds like ur logic is being bombed by emotion - when feeling happy its hard to imagine sadness.
as frac said - fixey diet - and perhaps imho - give entheos a break for 3 months min.
integration is as important as the experience if not more so.

i will definetely go along with diet. you are what you eat. do you eat healthy, natural foods or do you eat processed, fatty foods? respect your body and it will create the perfect atmosphere for your brain to flourish. i know it sounds stupid but seriously. i used to drink soda and eat junk food all day. i always felt like shit. always run down. now...i only drink water and 100%juice (watered down), fruits, vegatables, meats, grains and pasta. i don't drink soda. i don't eat fast food. if i can't understand the ingrediants and know how to pronounce them, i don't buy it. the less ingredients, the better.

then yes, change your atmosphere. paint your bedroom. rearrange the furniture. pick up new bands to listen to. i've always found that having bright lights on makes it hard to feel down. my place is always lit up, until about an hour before i go to bed. then i turn light down to minimum so my brain will slow down. synthesize the natural cycle, so to speak.

like ms minx said, pick up a hobby. exercise works miracles for the body and the mind. get your mind off of anything negative going on. find something you're good at. it'll boost your ego! and again like ms minx said, get comfortable and have fun with yourself. you are all you've got for the rest of forever. i find my alone time to be my most cherished possession! that's how i can tell what a person really means to me: how much of my personal time am i willing to surrender to them. you're probably a pretty awesome person deep down if you get past all the shit. you just gotta face it, walk through it and don't look back.

i'm sure it sounds like some inspirational bullshit but it's real. i've spent SEVERAL years in a place where most people thankfully never end up. you wanna talk about walking through the fire? there's no where to walk but through the fire. it was hard in there. it breaks you down. hell. i attirbute quite a few breakthroughs to prison! it really did save my life. gave me time to think about what i was doing and why i hated myself. (not saying you hate yourself, either). just saying i've been through some really tough times in my life, too. and i just had to walk through it. we've all been through some sort of hell and we're all gonna go through some sort of hell again. just remember what happens and learn from it. you're only gonna fail if you want to...

ABSOLUTELY!!! i took an almost year long break awhile ago. i had been tripping A LOT (like every weekend) for months on end. i've always had good, clean lsd a phone call away so i can really dive into if i'm not careful. started having a lot of anxiety during trips. felt frustrated all the time. like there way something going on in me that i couldn't figure out...not even with a good dose. turns out...i just needed to take a break. "normal" up a bit. make sense of the madness and learn how to apply the lessons and tolls to my life. now, i'm back at it with happy trails. if i feel like i need to take a break, i take one. you don't wanna take a wrong turn down your hallucinogenic path. trust me...breaks are good. often times, too, when i felt like i needed to take a break, it was my ego that led me to keep dosing. "you don't need a break...you can handle it forever...it's just a drug". yeah. i was trying to act all tough. take a break: and other little subtles lessons learned from lucy.

My intuition from your post makes me think you are weighed down from events in your past. Whatever you have done/has happened to you is not random, and it is not a matter of sick divine humor or malevolence. To develop and change with intention you need to understand how your past self developed into your present self, and come to a personal understanding of the events that have shaped and changed you.

Best wishes

By virtue of simply being alive, your life is changeable and change it does, from one moment to the next.

Youve got to bend your knees and buckle
Shoulders underneath the load
Or you'll never see the diamonds
That are lying in the road!

PS-strong opiates allow one to live a constrained life which just closes in and in on the user till the point is reached where the life experienced is no life at all.Psychedelics open one up to all sorts of questions which can never give be answered conclusively and this can ultimately be a source of deep dissatisfaction.

Thank you very much for your advice and help. I've thought about it and i think it did help me.

Fractal, thanks for your honest words, especially telling me that it comes through in my postings. I fortunatly realized a while ago that its only me who can facilitate change, so this part wasn't so much "tough love" but you were certainly right. As you have noticed, i started to think more about my diet and im already implementing change as i type.

Elusive Mind, interesting analogy, it really got me thinking. I also think that everyone kind of stumbles through life, we just don't see it all the time. Sure, there are some who believe they know all, but this is also a strategy to make it easier for them to play the game. Self Motivation...yes, that is what's needed!

..or like Dark matter said: "Inner Will".

But minxx, you are also right, i need to get more involved. I'm trying and after your post im even more motivated to keep trying! I also agree with you and ICEKOHLD on the "treat yourselve better" thing...

..i "knew" it, but i will take action:

-Try to keep my room clean
-Set aside a budget for making my place a bit nicer to live in

"Going through the fire" ..with or without entheogens is the question. To be honest, i don't feel like i havn't "integrated" my experiences. I more feels like i need to continue..but im on a break due to health reasons and hope to resume soon...

...but i tend to think that a good diet lays a foundation for dieting with spirit plants.

Then, they might help to show me the reason why im "bombarded with emotion" like phlux put it. Or the events of my past that shaped me like ouro said.

Also, thank your for the interesting poem, corpus callosum!

Much of what you posted rang a bell for me too - and I felt it in my heart. You are right to reach out here - reach out in your daily life as well. I have appreciated your posts, and pondered your enigmatic avatar thingy! Obli, you matter. Consider this... you matter.
The things that have helped me through the darkest times are

a tai chi practice and class, almost every night!

a measure of forgiveness of myself - know that the darkness inside is not you entirely - the world is also dark and fucked up and all of us to some degree reflect that back on ourselves, suffer from that

reading, even if it was for escaping some wretched feelings, gave me some relief. Mostly scifi in my case!

counseling - not easy to find someone with whom you resonate with, but it is worth pursuing. And whatever works - talk therapy, "coaching", groups - if you have an inkling about what might help, try it.

cultivating an understanding of the worst depths as a condition, depression, separate from me the human being. Finding worth and hope is so damn tough... but then not.

Setting a specific time on my list to feel like shit - this was oddly liberating, allowed me to confront the abyss on my own terms - "at 2 pm sharp I'm making time to be at my worst!" And often 2 rolls around and I'm ok and I can reflect and move on.

Caring for plants, a young brugmansia and a ginko bonsai in my case, eased my heart. When my relationships with people were fraught, the plants were not.

SSNRIs - I resisted medicine for years for 2 main reasons 1) they meant I had to admit I had a BIG problem, and 2) I detest the hyper-medicalization-for-profit the pharmaceutical industry has foisted on society. But, in my case, I was able to get the drugs through an assistance program and they worked well without any adjustment or "side-effects". They can provide relief but should never be begun without a parallel counseling effort - they are complementary in this sense, not a primary solution.

Hope some of this helps...
Go gently, and with couage.
L

I've been through such swamplands of the soul many times - once to the point of suicide.

The idea that has helped me most is very simple although somewhat harsh - nobody's coming. Once you wholeheartedly accept it, there are many useful teks to make things better.

In particular I would suggest a few practical books. They've helped me a lot.

- The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lyubomirsky
- Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E. P. Seligman
- Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Todd Gilbert
- Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar.

I have all of them in audio and can share.

obliguhl, you ask for change.
change is possible. It always is. I will give you one word: Xeper!
This word was a turning point in my life several years ago and one of the major pillars of my Self

Your suffering sounds VERY similair to mine.

And I must tell you Life IS changable. But we humans are soooo impatient.
Patience can be developped; It is something you will WANT to do when your suffering has reached a critical enough level to force you to change.
Deep down we know that we want to change, but that at the same time another part of our being resists this very change we want. Being our own worst enemy.

This contradictive, destructive and eternally negative part of our selves is known as the Ego(Buddhist defenition)
Listening to Eckhart Tolle's teachings has really helped me to transform my consciousness. Taught me to become aware of my own Ego, it's negativity and how to disentangle myself from it.
I've found Eckhart Tolle's 2 Audio books "The Power of Now" and "A New earth" to be a profound catalyst for inner change.(Allthough hugely overhyped, Tolle truely is a profound teacher)

It has had a profound transformative effect on me, enabling me to transcend my Ego and it's negativity cycles.
Still everynow and then I get caught up in the Madness of the Ego, but as my Awareness is growing and growing, both
the frequency and severity of Ego-delusions have decreased dramatically.

This has helped me attain and maintain a deep inner peace. Just maybe it can help you too.