Harmalas have helped me beat an otherwise debilitating depression and anxiety (e.g., I used to sit locked inside my car for 20 minutes before work wanting to vomit).
I was eventually able to develop an awareness of myself separate from my symptoms, and whenever anxiety does strike, I noticed a microdose of Caapi would completely flip the situation.
I've been drinking weekly for close to three years, and do notice a bit of a depressive drag 5-6 days after a ceremony.
I have also experimented off and on with microdosing Caapi. Recently, I've been microdosing every single day (plus the regular tea ceremony + spice etc.) for the past three months.
It has been nothing short of amazing. Caapi opens up doors in my mind. My body relaxes and I am more flexible, it takes MUCH more to stress me out, I am more eloquent, outgoing, patient, the list goes on. It promotes what feels like a fluidity of being.
I originally just wanted some relief from depression--I struggled with suicide and suicidal thoughts for years--and ended up getting SO much more than just relief. I got a second chance at life. I feel like Caapi keeps the color in my world. I get to be a kid again. I have the gift of feeling wonder. I feel so connected to the web of life.
The flip side of daily harmalas--my case may be especially exacerbated because I also combine this with an 80%+ fruit diet, so I am flooding my system 24/7 with plant chemicals of all kinds--is that I have become *EXTREMELY* sensitive. Compounds that were previously neuroactive in large doses are now highly neuroactive in homeopathic doses. PEAs, caffeine, theobromine, anything even remotely stimulating will keep me awake for days, drifting in and out of panic. I am exceptionally sensitive to melatonin--homeopathic doses of melatonin from food sources now build into intense Caapi-like states for several hours (when the metabolism of melatonin normally takes about 45 minutes and just makes you sleep). Curcumin... Wow!!
My case is definitely extreme, again, as I am very interested in cultivating a greater sensitivity. I think it is worth mentioning that such a sensitivity is possible. In light of these effects, traditional dietary measures suddenly make so much sense. Spices should be avoided because many of them are neuroactive, and in a harmala-saturated state one can be very sensitive to them. Salt and oil (in heavier foods) can definitely be used to induce numbness and dull an experience. Eating fruit full of the right phytochemicals can bring me right back up again.
Other psychoactive plants must be explored with caution. Two puffs of cannabis, and I was under the covers, shivering the way I do with Caapi, lost in a sea of fullblown visions. I also have to be extremely careful with smoking harmalas in this state, because they build very powerfully.
My body's response to full-dose Caapi is also becoming increasingly fascinating. Visions are brighter, more DMT-like. I have intense full-body kundalini experiences constantly. With a full dose of oral Caapi (120g) and 10mg jungle spice, I was stuck in a fullblown breakthrough changa state for 2-3 hours. Oral Mimosa feels about 15-20x more potent (0.25g is suddenly WAAY too much!).
Steady background doses of harmalas definitely make everything more intense. Before microdosing, my experiences with Caapi were cut and dry. A certain dose would bring a certain intensity and be done in a certain amount of hours. With a constantly MAOI'd state and a diet that supports the brain, reaching these states with a fraction of the chemicals previously required, at greater depths and for potentially much more extended periods of time becomes possible. This is absolutely positive, productive, and fascinating, AS LONG AS YOU ARE AWARE AND PREPARED. My job, my living situation, all aspects of my lifestyle support this exploration so it can be a positive thing. Extended harmala use is extremely powerful and must be undertaken with an extreme amount of respect.
But the rewards are immense... especially if you are suffering or have suffered from depression or anxiety. Something so much more radiant is our birthright. I am eternally grateful for these plants as medicine.
Some things will come easy, some will be a test