everything changed for me when i stopped using psychedelics in social environments and started working with them in silent darkness alone. it wasn't until dmt that i ever considered there being a difference. since then i now see them as a way to accomplish great changes and progression in this life. it is not the only way just, one that calls to me the strongest and feels most natural to me.
ive tried meditation and gone down the "spiritual teacher" route for years. the meditation is great but very difficult to stay consistent. as for the multitude of the self titled spiritual teachers, rainbow light healers, soccer mom shamans, channels and motivational speakers, well lets just say i haven't seen a whole lot of authenticity and noble intentions. for me i choose plants and their effects to achieve altered states of consciousness. plants have no ego, no hourly rate, or greed. they dont tell you what to believe. they show you what is. they just are.

this spring i had a realization (sober one btw) about myself. i am a fear based person. i see now how much of my actions, emotions and ideas can all be traced back to fear. i think it most comes from a childhood in poverty and the constant tears of my mother, foreclosures, and evictions. at rare times even a lack of food.
i was just in the shower one morning and i stopped and noticed how nervous i was, i felt a dread and danger of my day for no reason, my day had a lovely itinerary. i then realized that this feeling is and has been always with me like an underlying hum of white noise. i realized that as a kid i never knew what it was like to feel safe and comfortable. i never knew i could relax and let my guard down. a father that walked on us and a mother working at times 3 jobs fueled these fears.

i have since decided that i wanted to change that and have made great strides in healing but i am far from healed. its no wonder that this fear has been spot lighted on just about all trips and journeys for many months now. so here is where i need help.

last weekend i had my first full ayahuasca experience. its was no real surprise to me when the trip started going south hard. i kind of expected this to happen as its been happening all summer on mushrooms and dmt. when the mimosa started coming on i was given about a 1 hour "training camp" to learn how to deal with the fear that was just relentlessly raining down through me. i knew it was going top be big and long and i had better figure something out and quick! i was able to keep it together by telling myself sometimes out loud what is happening inside my brain and brain chemistry causing these feelings and that there is nothing wrong, i am in no harm. i also used the say "yes" trick which btw works quite well, these tools worked for the come up, but then the first really big wave hit me and words no longer had meaning so there went my new little tricks!

there came a point that i recall feeling myself fighting it, not opening to nor surrendering to the experience. this part gets hard to explain.... i knew i must try to surrender to these emotional terror signals and open myself up, the defensive posture was causing all this suffering so i had to try.
i felt myself smile and try to move a bit as i was so tense, i tried to just...well open myself up.(like i said hard to explain). when i did this the terror sunk straight down my throat and i felt like if i just let it a shift would occur but if i was wrong i felt allowing this terror to peak inside me i would go insane or start screaming.

although my initial feeling after my ayahuasca journey was that a lot of this was healed i am not so sure now. once i remembered that part of the journey when i tried to let go but couldn't it made me think that's what i needed to do, not combat the feelings with logic.


in the reflective days ive done much thinking about this. i am grateful to ayahuasca. i feel like she was telling me "child, i have much to teach you and much to heal for you but first we need to get you to re-learn how to let go and open yourself."
it makes perfect sense, this is a major stumbling block in my life and i feel it causes much suffering for myself and others. i feel such love for ayahuasca and these plants for addressing this and helping me go through the fire. its the only way to be healed. its not that i must confront my worst fears because its not about a particular fear or scenario, so what is it. should i surrender to the fear itself? can my mind handle it?

if anyone could help give m,e clarity in this matter i will be so grateful.

hey brother. beautifully honest and open post. it touched me deeply...

i know exactly what you're talking about. i too have lived a life with fear at it's root. though i have accomplished many things and gone many places (stuff others would view as 'fearless', i know at my core i am afraid. i also grew up very poor and never had the blessing of financial stability or family stability (mom left when i was 2). it takes it's toll in adulthood...

i choose to believe that we are strong souls...all of us actually. the tougher the challenge, the stronger the soul. we are never given any challenge we are incapable of rising up to overcome. the fear of a lack of security or stability in one's life is a very broad-sprectrum, all-pervading one so it is hard to grab by the neck and defeat outright. it is a very complete adversary. it permeates the whole of one's life....every facet. to face it and fight it means that one's entire way of existing is being challenged and must be used in the battle.

this is terrifying....but consider the alternative. risk nothing and live yet another life of minimal development as a soul.... i say risk it all and you will win no matter what the outcome. this life is so fleeting and the body and this physical world is so temporal. the very security we sacrifice our heart's desires to try to hold on to is an illusion. money? one could die at any moment....money will not serve you. people lose money all the time. possessions? relationships? everything can be taken away or lost. health and fitness....again.....illusions.

the buddhists would say it is our attachment to these illusions that brings about suffering. that 'inappropriate attention' to illusory ideals and desires is where you can catch yourself. for me, everytime i tell myself, "i can't do that...i don't have enough money" or "i could do that but how am i going to replace all the money i'd spend to do it??" i realize that this is unhealthy thinking that keeps me in a mental pattern. your life is what you believe it to be.

you are not your fear. you are not your depression. fear and depression are symptoms of a mind stuck in a negative pattern. the freedom begins with the recognition of these patterns when they first present themselves. for us in the west, our entire lives are a tangle of negative patterns. we're lucky if we have a little block of time in any day when we are free from these patterns running us around. this is why mediataion is so critical. even if it's just 10 minutes every morning....learning to not attach to thoughts...training the mind to be free from all patterns of thinking brings about the awakening and awareness of these patterns in the first place. freedom from fear becomes a possiblity...

my brother, i am completely in your corner. i am working hard to recognize my negative fear-based thought patterns daily. meditation has gone from an interesting thing to do to a critical part of my awakening. it has also led to PROFOUND shifts in my work with DMT. so much so, iv'e started to call it Deep Meditation Therapy!!

you're a spiritual warrior my dear brother. i'm honored to stand beside you on the battlefield!

with the deepest love and gratitude!!

I have the same problems lodged in different places in my body.

Whenever I've let go, something profound happens. And THAT, is what "I"'m really afraid of. Truly and honestly.



Freedom from mind...... ( : ~ >>>

Fear is a really weird human mechanism. It's mostly provided as part of our bodies homeostasis to protect the body from harm. But as you said in your post, it can quickly manifest itself in your daily life.

As humans, we are supposed to be open and exposed just as Love is. That is how we can operate the most efficiently. Fear is a contraction from Love, and it actually strengthens the ego by placing a blatant line between the known and the unknown. Pushing you farther from the unknown. And when this contraction happens, it draws in only more fear. As if the fear was gaining mass, thus gaining gravity, attracting more fear and self-loathing.

The only way to conquer fear is Love. And this starts with loving yourself for all that you do, have, are a part of etc. Love everything about yourself and even Love the things that our without yourself, the things outside of you. This is how you will expand back into the universe.

Fear is an essential part of being human though. It is programmed into us, so don't feel alone or afraid. We are with you. And remember, fear is also essential in the path of warrior. The warrior must often face the unknown; he must transcend his fears and realize that it was only himself on the other side.

I worked with this mantra exclusively during my first months with the spice. I couldn't blast off until this mantra became a trance allowing me to open myself to all possibilities.

"I shall not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration.

Instead I will face my fear.
I will allow it to pass over and through me
Then I will turn the inner eye to see its path
Where the fear has gone
there shall be nothing
only I shall remain."
-Frank Herbert

I also wanted to add that this is it, right on the money.



Your life really is what YOU believe it to be. Every experience is subjective and different for everyone.

thank you and good luck my friend.

the amount of support i feel right now is truly amazing, thank you all. it sounds strange but some of us have to log on to this beautiful place in order to be with people who understand, love and will not judge us.

Antrocles and KwisatzHaderach your words are wise and comforting. i too hope for myself the peace and comfort i know is possible. i take comfort in the fact that i was able to notice the problem at all. its a very subtle vibration to try to distinguish and required brutal honesty with myself. if i am aware enough to have noticed this i think i am strong enough to get past this.

i feel confident that working with ayahuasca is helping me. ive gained so much already but im also going to try to integrate the lessons in my daily life. i am going to try to open myself more to people and allow them to care and love me as i tend to push people away. again all fear based illusional bullshit.

antrocles, it was you who wrote about saying "YES" when the darkness looms. its such a simple yet brilliant idea i thank you from my heart for sharing this with us all.

I just heard a great idea which is, when we were at our lowest, it took us years to get there. So it may take us years to heal. For some reason, that was comforting to me. Probably because it made me realize that even if I'm not perfect now, that doesn't mean I won't be better in the future.

People that aren't hardcore Dune fans think it's weird or nerdy or whathaveyou. But it's a really great mantra. I have it written on my wall, and while waiting for a journey to begin, I stare at it and repeat it to myself. It is very effective in helping you let go and experience the experience for what it is, without fear overwhelming you.

Great thread.

I feel it as well, olympus, like Dimitrius says, different knots of it throughout my body. Mama Aya shows it to me, as a deep net that tightens, pulling my muscles against my bones, consuming so much of my energy just to hold it in.

She helps me let a little bit of it go, and to feel what was hiding back there, just as much as I can handle, and then I have my time to process.

There's a force inside my body, so angry that it has been held back for so long, and so impatient to come out and manifest itself in the world. Mama Aya introduces us, takes us on a chaperoned date, and whispers once we fall in love we will realize that it was always our Self.

We have similiar problems. I have even considered posting my latest report or parts of it in your thread. I wish i could tell you a solution but i can't...so here is a nice and relevant song http://www.ayahuasca-was.../Heart%27s%20mystery.mp3

(original tune by Nick Barber)

Oh, I love the songs on that site <3<3<3. Sooo many good ones.

If you feel uneasy, love!
I recognized that i can cure my own illness, by being aware and remember to love myself, the creation and everybody else.

Sometimes a professional treatment can make sense.
But for your own wellbeing you have to care on your own!

Another IMPORTANT point, i learned today:

Don't make a picture of Life.
Life is life.
Try understand, that your expectation of life influences YOUR life, your experience.

Life will fit your attitude and expectation, not the other way around.

Well, the big challenge in life is not to have a perfect happy life where everything will always go the way you want it to go, without any fear or pain. That will never be the case anyway. The big challenge is to be a positive human being, despite of all that's being thrown at you...the challenge is to truly LIVE.

The bookstore's of the world haven't got space enough to store all of the "how to become happy", "how to become succesfull", "how to become rich" and "how to become healthy" books, but aiming for some future utopic dreamlike existence is like rejecting life the way it is.

It realy IS that simple and it realy IS that difficult.

But you're up to it.

As a matter of fact your story proves that you've already chosen to face this challenge.

great words to live by senoir DMT. very true and helpful to remember.


your spitting out pearls here polytrip i was talking to a someone for a while whom i have great love and respect for. she emphasized this point almost every session we had. she helped me a great deal.

what an excellent thread - your openness and honesty have really opened this up, OM. Thank you.

I think Fear is an integral part of what it is to be human.

It certainly has an evolutionary function, but I believe fear goes far beyond that - that it is the very boundary of our notion of Self.

Your difficult childhood may have in fact served you well, bringing you a rare depth of self-awareness that is apparent in your post, and also in bringing in to sharp relief the truth that haunts us all - our Fear defines our very sense of self. We are defined by our own fears.

To release our fear is to release our selves, and that is the greatest fear.

much love, and safe travels

Great post and great responses. Much respect to you all.

brilliant. and this reminds me of something a buddhist monk in thailand told me. he said, "do not concern yourself with coming to peace with the past. the past is an illusion. a dream. rather, focus on recognizing that you are perfect RIGHT NOW. when you understand and accept this simple fact, you will realize that every minute....every second....every un-measureable instant of your life has been perfect."

fear is the construct of the ego. in order for there to be fear, there must be something (even when it is not obvious) to be afraid of. that means there is something other than you. that means there is a you that is separate from this thing....

you are separate from nothing. you are perfect. these two facts are hard to let sink in but they are truly the keys to nirvana....

with the deepest love and gratitude!!

That resonates with me totally - I think fear is the very thing that separates Self from Other, and so is the very thing that gives us the self-awareness that is uniquely human. In that sense it is the foundation of identity. Perhaps what we experience with spice is the dissolution of that boundary, and our connectedness that we are otherwise not aware of?

much love

Thank you for that.

This thread has opened me up a little, more receptive to the flow and acceptiing that fear is what has been holding me back for most of my life.

BECOME ONE.