Hi folks.
This actually happened a few days ago, but the relevance of it is only really hitting home about right now. My goodness!
Well I had 200mg ass kickingly pure harmaline. I swear this stuff gives you the weirdest visual tracers. It slows your mind down to a crawl and makes you feel so sedated. So I figured it would be a very interesting state to try some DMT, naturally. Not much to write home about just yet, but I get the feeling for something more. I only had a trace of freebase left in my pipe and the rest of my DMT was in fumarate form. Here’s the "gangsta" part. I got a little fumarate on a piece of paper and some calcium hydroxide, rubbed them together, then spat on it. “Proper ghetto” I thought. That will be waiting for me on the other side.
I hadn't applied my usual diet as this session was quite off the cuff, but I had the urge to go deeper. However, before I did that I had to do an emergency reset which usually involves forced vomiting. The only problem with harmaline is that it doesn't let you give up your stomach so easily. The usual fingers down throat wasn't doing the trick, no matter how hard I tried. But anyway I happened upon some Vodka... it wasn't mine just so you know, but some my sister in law had left the last time she visited. Anyway I drank a good half a glass of the stuff pretty quickly and hey presto, we have projectile vomiting. Score! Talk about throwing the text book out the window though huh?
I've never seen vomit after such a heavy dose of harmaline, but that stuff really must make your insides glow!
So anywho, now I was prepared for the next step, I measured 200mg harmine and 100mg dmt and wrapped them in a small piece of rolling paper and swallowed. I then lay in bed listening to
Simone White's "I am the man" album in order to keep me grounded while I integrated into what was going to be a rather intense experience. I made it about 30 minutes in before my brain was getting hit by lightning bolts and I could no longer concerntrate on the music. The usual urge to head to the bathroom sets in, so that way I did stagger.
In my usual style there I kneeled by the toilet, prepared to vomit, but trying not to, as to build up a nuclear negativity bomb to flush away and never return. I think it was only on the third trip to the bathroom that I actually let it go, as I kept having to remind myself to get a glass of water so I actually have something in my stomach to purge after the previous thorough purging. I have a thing with harmine, which I wasn't even sure would take effect as that large dose of harmaline was no doubt also still going strong. But the harmine did indeed speak up loud and clear over the forgetful mumbler that is harmaline. I suppose it's a different way of becoming physically disorganised, whereas with harmaline I keep hitting road blocks and the ability to think straight becomes a mountain and a mud slide, harmine always make me go off on very detailed and insightful networks of emotional information that always lead me miles away from where I started, but the journey is most often very worthwhile.
In all honesty, I went into this journey with very little in the way of intention, other than the need to smash down some serious barriers. I got that and plenty some more I can surely tell you. Here comes the background.
I guess for the last five years I've been drifting. I'm 26 now looking back over five years of very little to show for it. All I've been doing was putting things off until later, with no plan of what to do next and no drive to get me there. I've let all but less than a hand full of my old friends drift away between bouts of shitty jobs and unemployment. I probably get about 1 phone call a month from a friend, I spend most of my time alone, I go to festivals alone, I go to concerts alone, I go out shopping alone, I enjoy music alone. That's pretty much it for the last 5 years. Weird thing is I'm actually a very cheerful and outgoing individual. I'm very rarely in a bad mood and 95% of the time I'm very content with the world. Or so it seemed.
This journey completely ripped the blind fold off my face and pulled the anaesthetic drip right out of my arm. It even pinpointed the exact moment it all started to go wrong. I was about 20 at the time and I'd been going out with this girl for a couple of years. At the time she was pretty much more than I could ever hope for. She'd write me poetry, cover our bed in rose petals, say the most beautifully profound things and had the most instantly recognisable, pure glow of warmth that would absolutely intoxicate everyone around her. She was an avid academic and I was a lazy bedroom musician. I used to record very amateur, but quite interesting music. Two years into our relationship she went to study Literature at college and suggested that I applied to a school to study music. I moved around quite a lot as a child and the only constant I've known has been my family, so I always wanted to stay close to them and never really thought about going away to study. When I was with her, I could do anything. She was the key to untapping my limitless potential, so I applied to this course and started the next season.
I was actually doing pretty well for the first term or so. Even though I'd never studied music academically before, I was always a little bit ahead of the rest of the students, got top grades and did some pretty cool projects. I was also hanging around with some DJ's and getting pilled out of my mind on the weekends so I guess with being so distracted and being so far away from my lover I didn't take notice that she didn't feel the same way anymore. One morning in spring after a night out with a gram of MDMA and a bottle of absinthe (I know! YUCK!) my housemate woke me up with the phone. It was her, she was very direct and to the point, it was over. I replied "yeah you're right, we're both still young. Take care now." No shit. Ten minutes later I did the hardest double take of my life, called her back "what?!" Looking back it was actually pretty damn funny, but at the time it was the lowest I'd ever been.
Anyway things lead their course and then a couple of months later I was pretty much over the whole thing. However I did shit at college and the rest of my time spent there was just a mad drug binge. It felt right at the time. Then it was back to my life.
Back to the point. Some five years later ( 2 days ago to be exact) I realised how much that whole experience completely destroyed me. I guess I found myself far from home, completely deflated of strength and a person who had been my inspiration and muse was out of my life. Everything that had given me the strength to be in that situation just went. Every great thing anyone had ever told me about myself didn't count for shit anymore and all I aspired to be just ceased to exist and I didn't even realise.
At that realisation... BAM! Everything clicked. I have some seriously untapped potential. Everything I ever thought I could be, I can still be, rather than putting everything of until later, I can do it right now. The weirdest part was having flashbacks of encounters of some pretty cool girls coming onto me and me being completely oblivious. I used to work with this girl who literally couldn't keep her hands off me. I honestly thought she just had really terrible balance. It just shows the extent of extreme numbness that I have been oblivious to for 5 whole years. Overall though I just felt the most amazing gratitude for such a strong wake up call.
So now I'm back in my bed. My hair for some reason seems really irritating. I kept scratching the top of my head. Also my upper back was hunched over in a very strange manner, but for some reason it felt like my natural posture. So I got under my duvet and started chewing my hand. Then it occurs to me that I've actually turned into a chimp.
Awesome! I've never been a chimp before! It felt just like I was running on an old outdated operating system, but there laying in my bed, I may as well have been outside on the grass, picking bugs out of my fur. A very strange turn of events this was!
So anyway at that point I remember the DMT I had started freebasing which was now a dried up lump in a screwed up piece of paper. I scraped it out into my pipe and lit up. I can't believe it actually worked, but that taste was unmistakable. Maybe I should do a tek writeup for the "one hit organic fumerate conversion"
Damn I forget how slow and strong that stuff comes on with a system fully loaded with harmaloids. I am now becoming a blank slate as my inner self slips away before my eyes until I become a pure trance as I lie back...
... as I arrive back, the first thought to enter my head gets repeated round and round in a mantra style, "remember who you fucking are!"
and I did