For a brief synopsis of my wife's condition please read my posts in thisMPD thread.

My wife was quite anxious about her first voyage. She has seen many people while they voyaged and heard their stories upon return, but knew she was unprepared. She took a nice bath to relax and was almost asleep when the bong was set up.

In a water bong I loaded up 75mgs in between some blue lotus leaf. A small amount of water was added. She had tried my vaporizer months ago, but was unable to get enough to affect her at all.

I have no idea how much she actually received, but she took 4 rips from the bong. There was a lot of plant material left in the bowl when I took it from her. She closed her eyes and was off!

I observed her breathing become erratic at times, which I attributed to a full breakthrough dose. After about 7 minutes she opened her eyes. A grin was plastered on her face from ear to ear. She seemed happy, slightly disoriented, and eager to tell her story. "Wow" was the first word out of her mouth.

This is what she told me about her experience:

" At first I thought nothing would happen. Then a buzzing started and became very loud. A pattern made out of many shifting triangles opened up before me. The colors were very bright constantly changing and the buzzing rose to an unbearable level. I felt like I was being tugged towards this pattern...at first I fought it and it turned into a tug of war but I remember what you had told me, to relax and let go. As soon as I did I was pulled though this hole that had opened up...on the other side was calm...no buzzing, no in-your-face colors. A lady, or what I sensed was a lady, appeared and danced before me. Primary, darker colors followed her every movement, they were swaying with her dancing. Every time I thought about something (breathing, the urge to use the bathroom, work, anything) I would have an overwhelming sense that I needed to watch what this lady was doing. She seemed intent that I pay attention only to her. After some time she simply faded into nothingness. The colors remained and swayed...then they faded too. I opened my eyes but couldn't feel my arms, but everything slowly came back to normal. The trails were stronger than anything I had seen before.

The thing that was interesting was that my whole system was present as soon as I felt the effects. This is very rare. Most times it is only one of us present

Each of my alters had their own reaction to the experience but we were one. After the experience wore off there was no disruption to the system. A large dose of mushrooms had really messed with my DID and I was unable to function for about a week, but I feel great now. I don't see DMT playing havoc with my disorder in the future."

Of course this was paraphrased, but my wife read over it and changed some things that I had wrong, so it's pretty close to her own words.

She will be joining all of us on the 9th!

Great report, thanks !

cool

Wow, was the first word out of my mouth after i first smoked,infact wow was all i could say for about 5 minutes after I read the synopsis, thats awesome that it worked out well.It is interesting that all combined as one w/ different reactions.i forget if you said she tried aya or not but i could see that beeing really good for her,especially since she took to the spice so well or mabey its because the spice took to her so well.I think aya would be good,i think aya would be good for me too.LETS GO

that was a really interesting read. ive seen little information about MPD before but the psychological elegance behind it is so fascinating. i saw a documentary about a 30-something woman who had MPD and the description you gave is similar. she suffered horrendous physical abuse and malnutrition as a child and as a result her personality split in order to cope with the trauma. her voice changed depending on which persona was present. she had what was described as a 'house in her head' and each persona had its own room. she would make a low grunt as they shut the door. her sister/carer/relative who looked after constantly had an ongoing battle trying to keep them all in check.

ive always found psychological behaviour really facinating, especially the extreme cases. its amazing how the psyche functions when put under high stress levels. a friend of mine developed paranoid schizophrenia as a result of prolonged cocaine+weed use. he developed what he believes is a telepathic sense which was directly triggered by drug abuse. ive spent many hours trying to provide a counter-balance to his lofty theories and enthused ravings. its a shame the term schizophrenic is distorted in public perception because until i spent the time talk to him and trying to figure out how his brain worked i had a completely warped view of what schizophrenic actually meant. i used to think it was more akin to MPD.

i believe his brain underwent a similar transformation (possibly) to your wife. completely different circumstances but similar in that the resulting disorder was brought about as a defence mechanism for the psyche. for my friend it began with him noticing subtle coincidences and patterns in daily life. this tended to be focus around women generally because he was very sexually active at the time. as time went on the coincidences got more frequent and the beliefs became more stressful. he spent months denying it, analysing it, breaking it down and ignoring it. the coincidences and patterns continued to become more and more apparent until he was absolutely consumed by it. he often says he remembers the moment when his brain changed. he was lying in bed and heard this horrific female scream and it felt as if his brain snapped. he believed/believes that through his telepathic sense he accidentally hurt this woman.

anyway, i think at that point the paranoia manifested itself fully as a perceived telepathic sense, allowing his persona to continue to function and externalising the mental turmoil. im not sure that ive explained myself particularly well, its quite hard to condense all the relevant information into a very short description. just thought u may find it interesting. i love talking to him and trying to help him perceive things differently just in an effort to provide some much needed objective criticism to his daily mental struggles.

on a philosophical level his condition always leads me to the same brick walls of human confusion.

for example: one of two things is almost certainly truth.

1. Hes right! certain combinations of drugs can induce telepathic capabilities and we all have these abilities ingrained in us as people, they just need to be trained/unlocked.

2. Hes wrong!? the entire scenario is (as the condition states) a paranoid delusion. engineered in order to maintain his personality during times of persitantly high paranoia. and infact none of it is true its all just one elaborate set of coincidences knitted together by the ravings of a very confused yet intelligent person.

given those 2 possibilities, for him as a person it doesnt really leave much choice. be the maverick thinker in amongst a group of friends, the one-off outcast who has unlocked a special part of the brain, OR. be the crackpot loon who's simply confused and deluded and one of the most exciting and formative experiences of your life is one elaborate hoax perpetrated by yourself.....

i know which one i'd choose.

the interesting point is tho, life is a completely personal exercise, no matter how much empathy/experience or understanding you have as a person everything u experience is direct to u as a person and your own perceptions directly govern your experience of any moment. so even if he is deluded, which is still impossible to really say for certain, what does it matter anyway? he is the one experiencing it and living through it, so as far as his reality goes. fact or otherwise it is most definately TRUE, and if hes happy in that situation then i see no problem with it.

this whole subject of psychology and human debate always sends me off blathering so i appologies for the long spiel. excellent subject matter to get stuck into first thing on a sunday morning thank you very much great forum post.

and before i forget, im very glad your wife (and her alters) had a positive experience with DMT. its amazing that they each experienced it despite not being there directly. it makes perfect sense tho i suppose. have u tried discussing her DMT experience with any of her alters when they are present? it'd be interesting if nothing else to hear the different descriptions.

i better stop writing or this will just turn into a 20 page stream of conscious amble-athon.

byebye!

My wife smoked DMT for a second time this weekend. She was face to face with a psycadelic clown. My wife is not so fond of clowns, but the dancing lady from her first voyage came and calmed her down by giving her a massage.

She is now a bonified hyperspace traveler!

She has not yet tried Aya, but I am hoping that at some point in the comming months she will be willing to give it a shot.


On another interesting note: it seems that our new baby boy has really helped pull her system together even more. Parts of her that would only come out under certian circumstances (i.e. drug use, major conflict, etc...) are now more comfortable coming out to help with the baby...in fact, I believe that they "all" feel more needed. She's doing a wonderful job as a mother. She has the patience of a saint...which really balances out my impatience.

Anywho, just thought I would update this post.

This is very interesting. I am super curious about how people with mental disorders (besides depression) are affected by psychedelics. At first, it seems the common advice is that you should not do psychedelics if you have any mental instability, yet I find these individual case reports of the therapeutic value of certain psychedelics, and it makes me wonder how generalizable this all is.

I would love to know if your wife has tried Iboga, either low doses or the flood dose, and what effect that has had on her?

As for my own experience, I was not mentally unstable before ayahuasca, merely consistently suffering from mild depression since the age of 13. After doing ayahuasca, I realized I was no longer depressed, because now life is magical, and rather than struggling to find the beauty in it, I "struggle" to see it rationally and not magically.

Sorry she has not tried iboga.

We have had a long history of psychedelic use together (phens are her preference), and aside from some complications with mid-dose mushrooms, she tolerates everything quite well.

A recent dmt voyage rattled her pretty badly and I'm not sure when she will dive back into it. Being stabbed my malicious entities in hyperspace would put me off for a while too.

I’m intrigued by your wife’s story too.

One of my early trips on DMT took me to a realm where I observed a very, very special place. I’ve been visiting this beautiful place since I can remember (in dreams, under anesthesia, on nitrous oxide).

It’s where the children go to escape. It’s where I went when I was being sexual abused as a child. The most loving, nurturing place imaginable. When it happened, I left my body immediately and then buried the memory of the abuse afterward.

After many trips, I was finally ready to face it. I wanted to either witness or re-live the incident. I’ve never been so nervous before a trip…shaking all over. My intentions were set at the beginning. I wanted it resolved. I took the hit and immediately went to what I call the ‘waiting room’. It’s usually where I meet up with the beings who will be accompanying me on my journey.

It felt like a ceremony was about to begin and everyone took their places. As I prepared myself for the onslaught of memory that was coming, they were telling me that I didn’t have to do it again. That it wasn’t necessary. But I pressed on until I found myself sitting in the very moment it all happened. Except it wasn’t what I expected. Instead of re-living my own rape, I was re-living the experience from a higher dimensional perspective (rather than 3D). It was the experience I had as my soul/higher self/? (no idea what to call it since there are no labels) rather than the experience I had in this body (as Brooke).

Words do no justice. An extremely emotional experience. As I understood it…

A higher dimension of me set up the physical me to endure this for good reason. It was all planned by me. I understood I came here for a specific purpose and part of that was to help others through their own traumas. In order to do that, I needed to learn for myself. And as I was being raped I learned immediately endless COMPASSION. In an instant! I didn’t have to re-live the pain or suffering at all. I understood and felt how much I needed and wanted the experience very much…as it would prepare me for my task.

When the ceremony ended and I came out of the trip, I actually thanked the people who raped me. It’s not easy to say that publicly. You see, this was not an easy task for these loving beings (to rape). Their love for me was very obvious and very clear (again, higher dimension) and I understood completely this was a contract of sorts between us.

Nothing has blown my mind more than seeing rape and Beauty occupying he same space. And once they started occupying the same space, my entire perspective of the 3D world started changing and making more sense.

I’m so curious if your wife has healed any of her old traumas while using entheogens. I sincerely hope so. I felt a heavy energy leave my stomach area after the ceremony and the feeling of dread/disgust/panic doesn’t overcome me anymore when stories of sexual abuse come up.

Miraculous!

Thank you acolon_5, for sharing your wife's healing, and the joy of your child. It's very fascinating to hear, and of course you have my best wishes going forward.

@pilotsimone, your revelation of the love of your attackers reminds me of some of my first journeys with the spice. My father used to beat me as a child, and one of my first breakthroughs after joining the Nexus, it became clear to me how much sexual energy was tied up in these events. The next breakthrough followed on this theme, and showed me how the "nuclear family" structure acts as a dynamo of desiring-energy, through visions of my own immediate family, and then back to my parents' parents, all the way back to prehuman life, creating different matrices of desire. Finally, after being able to process this, I was shown that all of these were actually different pathways in the flow of Love through Life.

Be well.

Ouch yeah, that can be harsh and hard to handle. If it comforts her at all tell her others have been through and that at least this one has come out of the experience better.

Yes, she has healed immensely. Though most of it, I believe, was being opened up and allowing the spilt personalities to communicate (no more suppressed memories), but some of it was just being opened.

Many trip experiences in the beginning were what I would imagine psycadelic psychotherapy to be like. Lots of talking, lots of crying, lots of love.

She has come from a place of great pain and daily turmoil to a place of great joy. She is able to trust, communicate, love, and feel a lot of emotions she could not allow herself to feel before. A lot of her hate is gone, and her anger is not what it used to be.

I have not quite gotten over the stories of abuse I heard, but she seems to have moved beyond it. It did not happen as quickly as it seems to have for you, but she never consciously set out for that to be her goal. Pilotsimone, that was an amazing post. Complete compassion and love, yes, it seems this is what we are really here to learn.

Much love to all.

I'm so happy for her! She's sounds like an incredibly strong person.

Much love to you both!