MYCOMYSTERIUM – mY FAVe O WiT (wE ALL It) EEEEE!!

(This, in a way, is a continuation of this report. Some concepts herein build on ones introduced in the earlier one)

Expect the unexpected. Because it is expecting you.

And be forewarned : these are the ramblings of a man pirouetting at the precipice of madness…

I opened the small jar pulled from the freezer an hour earlier : a quantity of P.cubensis (I think) from 3 different sources that I have had for a few years, but had forgotten about given that my energy had been put into growing and consuming my own. I remembered these particular mushrooms as being beautiful and potent in their effects, but manageable and blissful and ecstatic and primal and a direct rOot to the base of the roUte.

The effing ineffable.

The 3 batches were from British Columbia – which makes me think, given what you are about to read, that they were quite possibly P. semilanceata, aka liberty caps.

I was looking for a nice visual experience with some « work », but nothing overwhelming, so I settled on 4g (I have in the past done 5-7 fairly consistently). Measuring it out, however, I choked and decided to err on that facet of risk known as caution, and weighed in at 3.6g. That about sums me up - I am a risk taker, but a cautious one…

Well, suffice to say caution held no purchase in what was to become of my day.

(I should mention here that, for the first time ever, I downed about 3 tbsp of fresh ginger with the mushrooms to quell any minor stomach issues were they to arise.)

It started as it always does – a survey of my land, 2 acres of grassy field along the slope toward a small sinewy lake called « le lac sans nom » (the lake without a name – I kid you not!), dotted with little sylvan islands, forest oases that break up the space and send long poplar arms skyward. A journey around the circumference as the experience deepens and the plants – evergreens, poplars, cedars and unknown myriad flowering boughs – begin their familiar transformations. This walk helps me overcome, or at least mitigate, the oncoming and enveloping rush that otherwise is an hour of anxiety and apprehension. That day, the thin windy tendrils began their vegetative transformations in a scant 15 mins. I know what that means. You know what that means – I was in for a hell of a ride!!

:
I am artifice. I am an artificial island. We art the land of I. And I is the isthmus that must art.

To be is art. This is what I was to learn.

I had a blanket – some ratty grandmotherly thing that I laid on the ground at the place I dub the junction - an overlook where the ravine meets the stream that feeds the lake-with-no-name that winds serpentine to arrive at the corner of the land that slopes hard. I laid down and stared up at the expanse of darkening clouds through the evergreen nexus that folded above. And folded. And folded. And folded. I stood up. What the fuck…? I stared through the leafy canopy down the ravine as it divided and subdivided into planes that were all that a plane is not and more… rapturous colours and depth that knew no end. The fractal nature of a piercing vision that penetrates the fields laid out low, and perforates the hole through which I see. And understands the incomprehensible. Understanding in the absence of comprehension? Abrehension. I was abrehensive in my underhension.

Mind loops that fold and fold and wrap and Fold and Warp And Flow And praW And wolF dnA floW dnA Warp. My DNA has flowed AND warped.

I AM FUCKED.

How can this be? 3.6g. Of a familiar fungus. It should be manageable. But that is arrogance. I close my eyes and the crysanthemum advances – WTF? This isn’t DMT… This is me.
Spinning cartoon inexpressions. I am about to breakthrough. I open my eyes. I fight. This is the same. The same place again. Or a different part of the same place, the only place that is…?

I mind utter « help », but there is no help. Only me and this fracturing reality. I gather my things to head inside. It’s safe there. But I know it is not. I know that it is centuries from safe. I know there is no place to escape this place.

And death shall have no dominion. And death shall have NO dominion. This Dylan Thomas line pops into my head, unsolicited and unwelcomed.

Inside my chalet, I arrive at a decision. I will let it envelop me. I will WILL it. I lie down on the sofa and close my eyes. The fragments begin to fall away. The glass onion peels and shards shatter and fall, the crystal cleaves to its limitless centre. But the transition is too slow. I feel the torturous dissolution of ALL, and know I will never be back. This reality is fading and will never return. The place called reveN.

THE ABYSS IS ALL AROUND. The reveN.

I cannot. I open my eyes and fight. Why am I fighting? Because I am a child. Refusing to grow up. And crying about it. I decide to live as a child.

(I will return to this endeavour of willful succumbing, unsuccessfully, over and oever and ever and f-ever-ish for-ever again.)

I am back outside, inventing an exercise to keep my childmind occupied – I circle one of the oasis forests on my land. And count the number of times I circle it. I forget the number then forget how to count then forget what counting is and forget that I am a child doing an exercise to avoid growing up.

I am lost, so I go inside. And lie down. And close my eyes. And the child panics. And goes outside. And counts the number of… and goes inside. And lies down. And goes outside. And comes in. And goes out.

I decide I need to feel. Water. The lake is dangerous and I risk being seen. I get into the shower and turn it on and vomit all over myself. That’s the answer!! Flush the poison out!

From water, to water…! The return to the source.

I get down on my knees, the cold water rushing over my back, and stick my fingers down my throat. My hand disappears inside myself and I cease breathing. I have no hand and no throat and no lungs with which to breathe. I see little vermilion sparkles at the base of the tub. My hand must be out of my throat because I am touching them. They are jewels. They are red. They are my bowels. They are my blood. The resplendent adamantine blood of god, and god is dying.

I get out of the shower, terrified. What have I done to myself? I have annihilated my mind, and now I have killed my body… Then I remember, some seeming millennium ago, I had eaten a clump of sun dried tomatoes. The jewels were food, sustenance I had consumed back in that reality where it mattered. STONES.

The relief was short lived. The loop resumed. I looked at the clock. The eternity I had lived was less than an hour from ingestion! OMFG. GodOhMyFucking. How will I live through this? What is living? I don’t remember. I panic because I have forgotten what it is to be alive. Outside, inside, out, in out...

The paper beckons. Write something. Concentrate. Get your mind off it. I write, with great difficulty :

What takes the edge off a little eternity? Humour.

I laugh. And guffaw and laugh and peel the laughter from my mind till there is nothing but laughter. My mind has become laughter. Then I forget how to laugh. I try, and may be succeeding, but laughter may by crying may be screaming may be speaking but I don’t know because I am not me and I don’t recognize the sounds spewing from this gaping flesh-filled hole.

I invent another exercise. Jumping on beds! I run upstairs and jump on the bed. Then downstairs and jump on both beds in the guest rooms and roll around and try to forget and remember.

When I bring all of this back together it will be what it is.

How many times have I jumped on this bed? At least a million. Or several million - it seems eternal, infinite. I have no recollection of beginning. I have always jumped on this bed. I stare at the ceiling and can’t remember how long, how many, or the meaning of those very words, or the meaning of meaning…

I am off my head and this is L... no brimstone no fire just a oo-a-loo-a-loop in L.

So I roll on the ground and writhe. And a thought arrives:

"This is my favourite reality"

MY FAVOURITE REALITY. I CHOSE THIS ONE AMONG THE INFINITE POSSIBILITIES. BECAUSE IT IS MY FAVOURITE.

Looking at these words now, they seem childish. But never a revelation so profound. I look at the clock. 7 :07. Two hours in and many more to go before I return, before I allow myself the choice of my favourite reality.

TIME. EMIT. I EMIT TIME.

I made it up. I invented time, so that I could watch my son grow up. Because HE is ME. HEME. MEME. HEHE. And I get to watch him evolve. I feel a tide turning with this ebb and flow, this realization.

He will grow up as I grew/grow up. Verb tenses. Funny things. They delineate time. I put them there in order to sense progression, evolution, BECOMING. HAVING BEEN. WILL BE . Be will, having been becoming.

Live the evolution then, i-twill-not-bet-elev-eyes-d : GOAGEETTI FROMBLAGE. FROMBLOGJEDHISPIARVIOLI. The words/not words again; the incomprehensible signifiers flood the monkey brain. (see here for a discussion of these polysyllabic non sequitors)

Sometimes I forget why I chose it. My favourite reality. I made myself into a monkey named JBArk who has a little monkey baby named Lewis. How extraordinary. How Exquisite.

The sun is setting in my FAVe O WiT (wE ALL It) EEEEE!! And I am ok with that. That’s what favourites do. They get chosen. That’s it, that’s all!!

Childish thoughts that comfort the childmonkey.

Accept this reality and throw all the crap away. Throw away the keys. Throw away the DMT, the mushrooms, the salvia, the cactus. Throw it all away and be the child you chose to be. PLEASE…………………

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST BE BE BE
But you all know the answer to that ploy play plea -
No, nay, neigh, the horse will play,
The horse will gallop in the equine sea…
He will see and say and turn black to gray,
The horse is me and the horse WILL SEE.

Link to PART 2

thanks for reading.

JBArk

Nice report-sounds like you were mashed up nicely

Had you made some kind of prep with your shrooms before freezing them? I ask this because Psilocybe Semilanceata do look distinct from the Cubensis.All we get in the UK from its green and pleasant lands are the liberty caps and they are potent little buggers with a heavy body load-absolutely excellent.

As a side issue-any idea how many fresh (or dry) liberty caps approximate to a gram in weight?

Back in the day when I used to use them I would just count out the required number.The info out there reckons about 30 fresh is a dose but on occasion I would take many times this-and would pay the price for the next few hours!

Looking forward to part 2....

The mushrooms were from a friendly source, and in retrosect they were perhaps P. cyanescens or azurescens, becasuse they resembled cubies more than liberty caps do. Or maybe they were just really potent cubies...!!?? anyway, 3.6 grams felt like more than I had ever done, i.e. 8+ dried...

beyond that, i know nothing about them - that's why I like growing my own...

JBArk

jbark, do not be afraid to surrender to the visions and have that breakthrough experience. It is truly medicinal.
I have had a similar experience like this one, I just refused to give in, and it also resulted in a purge.
However, one can still learn a lot through an experience like this.

we can be childish without being stubborn. childish in our ability to find joy in every experience and childish in our limitless creativity.

They might have been psilocybe cyanescenes..though I have never seen anyone offering these mushrooms in BC anywhere..other than one old acid head from the 70's that would give me ones he picked, and that was a few years ago..Ive never even seen semilanceata's..other than ones I think were libs in the wild. There are just soo many people growing cubes around here.

I know what thats like..god, mushrooms can destroy you..the fact that the peak doesnt last longer than an hour is like my life boat, even when time makes no sense..especially with tea..

I did this to myslef 2 times in one week a few months ago eating more and more of them after making some tea..those were 2 rough nights..but also good night.

Awesomely written, jbark. A lot I can totally understand. I like how you can express very well the fragmented thought loops, and the whole 'goldfish memory' kind of mindset, where things start anew all the time, where time stretches itself until it loses meaning, where one's sense of identity is merged with the experience as it unfolds.

Also this whole 'we're just spiritual children' idea has passed through my mind. I think its important to let go and surrender to the experience, try not to panic but just take it all in, moment by moment, like a blessing. I know it can be hard, though, when one has trouble finding any coherence in reality. But in these experiences, what seems to work for me is exactly to stop trying to find coherence and just flow.

By the way, where your wife and son anywhere around? Did you interact with them during the experience?

Cant wait for part 2

Good stuff, takes me back to a P. Semilanceata experience where I completely neglected the whole potency discrepancy between them and cubies While reading your comeup I had that stoopid mushroom grin on my face...it lasted and hour and it lasted for eternity. The verb-tense realizations also resonated strongly with me. Very nice writing jbark, I look forward to chatting with you about this.

peace
SB

I know, I know. My knee-jerk reaction is to fight and I don't know how to overcome it... i have used this analogy elsewhere, but being told not to panic and to accept it is like being told not to feel the pain when I smack you in the face with a bat!! I'll get there, but in the meantime there is a whole sub-breakthrough world to make sense of!

thanks for taking the time.

JBArk

ya this was off the hook, uncharted territory... on a dose half what i have done in the past!!

just goes to show, there is no predicting - one must be ready for anything... (expect the unexpected... )

JBArk

Reading this I felt. I felt as if I was reliving series of moments. I felt as if I were a third party entity peering of the shoulder of one active daring psychonaut. A writer you are jbark. You are able to relate with your vibrantly colored vocabulary as your palette. You have my thanks for sharing this unique experience and will be looking forward to your next segment.

Endlessness wrote:



This will be developed in the other parts through the conclusion. This was largely the lesson learned in this particular saga!

And:



God no!! I can only do this sort of thing alone!! I can't imagine being in the presence of ANYONE, let alone someone with whom I have accumulated so much baggage I permanently feel like I am visiting an airport!

Cheers,

JBArk

Thanks so much Caen. But I must say that I think it is the mushroom's writing and not mine!! If you enjoyed it a fraction as much as the mushrooms enjoyed writing it, then they will have done their job well.

JBArk

I love the way you write, JBArk. Seems like you have the perfect place to take mind altering substances too.

Looking forward to the 2nd part...

Thanks mr. DoingKermit!! part 2 coming in a week, and part 3, the conclusion, shortly after! The conclusion is where I (attempt) to make sense of it all!

JBArk

!esnetnI damn that's a crazy fuckin trip report jbark, sounds quite rough indeed. i love your brilliant expressive skills to convey the emotions and mental patterns across.
I haven't done high doses of mushrooms, but i've experienced strong trips on 3.5g...nothing like yours tho
i too get apprehensive in the beginning sometimes, but almost all my shroom trips have been so so beautiful...and i believe there's only one reason for it- Being aware of the emptiness that we are. I highly recommend this video: Rest As Awareness Ever since i watched it, this one "teaching" is all i follow, whenever i trip on any psychedelic. Personally, just because of this video, i don't believe i can ever undergo bad trips at regular doses...and if i somehow do have a rough trip on high doses, i know that the message in this video will allow me to better deal with it.
Resting as awareness on mushrooms is the most blissful feeling i have experienced in my entire life...nothing comes close to it...it is nirvana.
I hope you too try "resting as awareness" on your forthcoming shroom trips and see how beautiful it can really be. Complete silence..pure emptiness
Your trip seems to have given you a great teaching...Just Being...very profound indeed

Looking forward to reading Part 2.
this was an awesome read jbark !tI evoL

Adyashanti is so clear...

"Surrender your need to want."

Here is another gem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwftIGV3Dew

Always had trouble with messages like this... In order to surrender you need to want to surrender... See the logical fallacy? Sounds good when you first hear them, but i fear most aphorisms of this nature don't bear close scrutiny, and in my books anything that cannot bear close scrutiny is not truthful.

Anyway- thanks for partaking in the MYCOMYSTERIUM!!

JBArk

Something that tries to lead us beyond logic is allowed to be illogical I think... Think of Zen koans... have been used for millennia with success, while they don't make sense at all.

I see it like this: every system contains the gates that let one inside the system leave the system... these gates always take the form of paradoxes... and only a mind prepared to deal with them can get through them. They are built like that. ("being prepared" in this context may mean the ability to keep two sides of the coin in one mind without falling to either side, the ability to see the whole and the parts at the same time - this is the balance that makes the alignment possible which opens the door)

In this physical world, there needs to be thought of one kind or another in order for us to function. And if you wish to achieve something, it will always start with a "wanting." But anything that starts with a "wanting" means that we are already in a "dream state." To get out out of this dream state to the awakened state, the "wanting" serves as a function of a facilitator.
But the thing is, that this wanting is not necessary at all. The presence of a "wanting" points to our entrapment withing the dream state. If you were to drop all notions, including the wanting, then the natural state of surrender and emptiness will automatically emerge. But in our current state of consciousness, this too requires a "wanting" of some level...this is the paradox, and this is the dream state

Zen koans deliberately present paradoxes to get us to think and arrive at solutions and, of course, other questions on our own throigh the abandonment of logic. The quote above is meant as an instruction, a directive pointing a way forward and if it is a paradox, it is mischief IMHO.

Not to sound glib, but how exactly does one make an effort to not make an effort without making any effort at all? Now there' s a koan fer ya!!

I am, to a degree, playing devil's advocate here. I do get it to a point. But on the other hand, it is nonsensical as far as real followable advice goes!

JBArk