Firstly I would like to say hi to you all here at the forum. Your posts are really interesting, thank you all for getting this information out. I think it is very important for our times, with the future looking so bleak consciousness needs raising, and your work really helps I'm sure.
What I'd like to post today is a request for help. I will try to keep this story short. Basically a few years ago I ate a massive quantity of acid and set off on my own on the train to another town. It didn't go as well as planned. When I arrived I was ruined, I couldn't see and I couldn't hear. Stumbling around a busy city centre, in fear of being hit by a car, I decided to just get back to the train station and go home. Trouble was I couldn't remember where it was. So I just picked a direction. I don't know why but I was really drawn in by a supermarket, and couldn't help going inside. Once inside I came to my senses, and thought get back to the train you fool. So I exited through another door only to walk past the entrance again, and do the same thing, going back in the supermarket, and again realizing I'm being stupid and leaving again. This happened quite a few times. Eventually I had some kind of public breakdown, I'm not sure what I was doing but I some how got arrested. In the police cell, I was having strange thoughts and feelings like it was the end of time or something and I was kind of having the last laugh as I was God. Something like that anyway, it's really hard to put into words. Once I had sobered up I took this to be delusions of grandeur.
Perhaps a month later, I went to the summer solstice at stonehenge, again I took a lot of acid and also quite a bit of ecstasy. It all got too much and again I broke down gripped by fear.
I can of course see that the setting for these trips was all wrong, and it's no great surprise what happened to me. I had other trips through this period that were fine taking acid and mushrooms without any problems.
So about a year after these events while in Thailand I took a large dose of mushrooms and had a great night, until the end of the evening when returning to the bar we bought the shrooms, the trip when I got arrested came flooding back to me all of a sudden. It felt like the universe wanted me to kill myself and the music was repeatedly saying, "do it, do it, do it" which I took to mean me. It freaked me out but leaving the bar I was fine again.
So this brins me to now, which is almost 3 years since the mushrooms experience. I have done psychedelics since and been fine. Then the other day I was taking 5meo-dmt with my friend. We snorted it as we had no way of smoking it. First we tried 15mg, then 20mg, and finally 25, all in quick succession, perhaps over about 2 hours. All was fine until the final dose. It was very strong, but I have been ok before with stronger effects from acid, but for some reasons I told myself it wasn't ok. Then I became terrified, just like the previous experiences and had very similar thoughts and feelings as before. Like this is as low as you can go, but it could be your greatest moment.I'm thinking if I can surrender to it, it really could be my best moment.
So I thought I would put it to you people, what do you think, am I just damaged or am I actualy onto something here???

Wow man, you just dont learn from your experiences

Im not suprised you went through what you did with the 5meo. You are right in thinking if you surrender to it, things will be alot easier. I feel that part of using psychedelics is self-exploration, surendering is a must! I dont think you are damaged, i think you have had some strong experiences and havent been able to integrate it.

Maybe laying off for a while will help. Alot of members here have gone through a similar situation as you, almost evrytime they lay off the psychs.

Im sure alot of members will have an input here. I hope we can all help somehow.

Thanks gammagore, I know I was really stupid. I guess I thought I was a bit untouchable when I was younger, I lived for psychedelics. These days I rarely take drugs anymore. I have become a dad and my family comes first these days. I'm just very excited about 5meo, after reading tryptamine palace, but you are right I need to practice patience. It is nice to hear you don't think I'm damaged anyway.

Hey chasing_rainbows_...

I like to think of these feelings as mental cramps. I think in a way a lot of times we live in a perpetual state of mental cramps, fears and anxieties we barely even notice anymore, directing our lives.
Just before they loosen though they get really bad and feel extremely oppressive. We go through something like a nervous breakdown but really it's more of a break-through. On the other side we are free of our previous anxieties and implements of self-torture etc. For a while at least.
The cramps return, more often than not, but usually they're altered. Part of the patterns is broken.
So I would say, surrender. Take it all in, don't fight it.
But maybe, take it slow.
Maybe try to address this problem specifically next time you trip. Could be uncomfortable but might be worth it. Just a thought.

Cheers

Are you more fearful of the bad journeys now? The previous ones you highlight seemed pretty traumatic. If you are - and fear is a rational response when you consider what you're putting your mind through with this - maybe you could see if you can address this fear.; and perhaps it will take time to really get to the root of it, but I would say that's the thing you have to deal with first before you go any further.

Thanks Enoon and 88. I think with the latest experience I did perhaps create the fear myself, at least partly. I kind of recognised elements of the bad acid trips, and it flowed from there. So in that sense I certainly agree with you 88. On the other hand, the fear does seem to create a highly spiritual element to the trip, so I think surrender is the key. I think it is possible the fear comes from my ego feeling threatened. So in order for ego to stay in control it scares the crap out of me, and stopping me from going any further. I also wrote an email to Martin Ball, whom I don't know if you are familiar with. He is the author of several books on the entheogenic experience. He seems to agree surrender is what is needed.
I think surrender is a very powerful thing. You are no longer swimming againgst the river, you are allowing yourself to be carried along by it. It is said to be quite common when people become close to death, if they can accept it, many will experience a satori/samadhi moment.
As my everyday life appears unaffected by these overwhelming experiences, perhaps it is worth an attempt at pushing through the fear. I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

many travellers, myself included, have to deal with fear. I think Fear is central to our identity; fear is the boundary of our selves; it is part of being self-aware. Fear serves one fundamental purpose - it is there to preserve the self; and in hyperspacem the exact opposite is happening; the dissolution of self. But you're right, it is important to accept and surrender if you are going to go on this journey, otherwise it will be very difficult. But be realistic about whether you can let go of that fear; knowing you need to is one thing; actually doing it is another. I would suggest that you take time to work this through, get to the root of your fear, try to understand it.

For me set and setting is key. The proper state of mind really helps before a blast off. Bad set/setting, utensils, and product could plant that seed of uneasiness that grows into fear and terror. Make your mind nice and comfortable before you rip the rug out from under it. If a trip goes south I've somewhat trained myself to repeat in my head "this is good. This is nice." Part of my brain says quit lying to yourself but I continue with the mantra and accept my situation. Most times I can talk myself down.

Goodluck and safe journeys

Thanks for your concern. You have given me great advice. My aim is to experience ego loss, but my sanity is not a price I want to pay for it. So I will bide my time. Spiritual growth is not a race afterall. What I do experience is very traumatic. What I inflicted upon myself was stupid, and the result could have been far worse. Luckily I'm still in one piece.
I won't be taking any more 5meo for a while, but once I do I will let you all know how it went.

Hey chasing_rainbows!

Well as others have said, fear is a central root for many explorers. I even made a very similar post to yours in respect to the initial pre-flight anxiety and fear that I still have sometimes when blasting off. Another member very elegantly told me that such feelings are lessons from the spice. As in life and in spice journeys, there exists a subtle duality of fear and acceptance; you can either fear what is behind the door or open it and accept it for all that is. After all, it's only you there in infinite reflections.

Also I really like what 88 wrote in explaining that fear is a self-identity defense mechanism. It's your ego protecting your organic body. I almost think of it like when you're cold and the hairs stick up on your arm. That is an auto-response from your biology that in most mammals would aid in making your warm. But in most human cases, our body hair is so fine that the evolutionary purpose is no longer useful. Perhaps this may help you in your journeys. Think of fear as an auto-response to the unknown.

And as hyperspacing mentioned, set and setting our crucial in setting up a "home space" from which you can safely blast off and return to without fear of physical harm.

thankyou