After an assault of skulls and carrier waves, I saw myself stark naked, in full body hair, smiling, prancing happily through a forest.

"Do you love yourself?" Mama asked.

Yes. I felt a bit shy.

"Why are you shy? Do you REALLY love yourself?" She pointed out the beauty and innocence of it all. "What's not to love? Do you fully love yourself? Can you accept yourself for the beautiful, graceful, loving, amazing, angelic creature that you truly are? Can you openly accept this? Why do you hesitate? Why do you hide it? Can you understand that you are wholly perfect as you are?"

The fact that I hesitated evidenced more work to be done. I used to want to kill myself. I have been working steadily (not straining) at getting my body in the best possible shape, becoming strong (put on 30+ lbs. of muscle in the past six months without changing a pants size). I eat well. I don't beat myself up anymore. I used to hate myself. I used to never be good enough. I've come so far since starting my work with her...

But the message is clear. I still need to love myself EVEN MORE. This is the challenge!

Aya is so good to me. We have so many conversations like this. I am so grateful. I love her. I'm almost crying while I write this. This is how the medicine works on me... this is exactly how she helps me work on myself. At the beginning of ceremony, I asked her to help me grow in love and gratitude: this was her response.

Soul medicine. The entire human race needs this kind of healing. Why is self-love so hard to accept? Even when you think you've got it, there's still so much more love you can give...

It's hard to be the person that ayahuasca has shown me I need to be so that I can be 100% happy..sometimes I wonder if I even can be..I can be a stupid asshole sometimes and I always know that it doesnt need to be that way..

Do you actaully meet her face to face as a woman? I have come face to face with ayahuasca a few times and she is always a woman, and oddly enough a white woman, like some faery queen of the forest, and a light warrior..she lives is a giant palace thing with her tribe of light warriors, she innitiates them there and from that point on they are forever spiritual warriors of light

It's also amazing how often with ayahuasca I have full on real life like visions, like real as in it feels like real life, where I am sitting in medicine circles with shamans who are giving me lessons, training me. I think its the caapi mostly, though mushrooms have done that as well, but not as often.

Nice report minxx.

minxx and fractal...i want to thank you guys for the honest posts about aya. i still have to take the first step, and honestly i'm a bit afraid of her. i know i want to face my true self and all the complexes and trauma's that are inside me, and experience the true nature of the universe, but i sounds so overwelming..i don't know if i'm ready for it.
anyway it's always very touching to read such honest post! thanks

she is the one who takes us home. She is patient, perplexed by us, loving, and utterly, brutally honest. There is nowhere to hide from the goddess; nowhere to want to hide.

Much love

Wow, a beautiful poetic noetic report as usual, thank you ms_manic.



So, 88, are you equating the female ayahuasca spirit with the Earth Goddess, or did I misunderstand you?

Perhaps she projects "herself" in a way that makes the transition of appearance easy on the mind so that optimized "teaching" can occur. In other words she may be "projecting" herself as a white/pale female in a fairy queen theme because maybe you are white and grew up to those kinds of stories and/or movies. Nothing wrong with that, it's good to know lady dmt is flexible to all people's. A substance originally and commonly associated with the amazon/amazonian peoples one would think would by default have a more maztec feel.

I'd like to know what other appearances people see. I've heard of people of primarily african descent/dark skin seeing a traditional african female, people of asian descent seeing an asian woman, and so on. It's interesting that lady dmt seems to be very kind to the ego. I find the notion very intriguing.

Surely these entities should be understood as mythological constructs, and not set into a pantheon of dogma.

Ms_manic_minxx, I'm curious as to whether you were transformed into some other kind of creature like a deer, or were you primate or even human?

These intelligences are invoked in the here and now. Those who know, know.

I sometimes refer to Mama Aya as 'the Goddess'; just a term of respect after being lost and found in her powerful embrace