Going through a rough patch, house. That's all. Not to diminish the way it feels. I know - I've been there plenty. My work is so intermittent, unpredictable and precarious it drives me nuts. I was on top of the world 3 years ago, and then the economy crashed and no film work. Shot shitty tv shows to pay the bills, was unemployed a lot of the time, and depressed, and aimless, and worst of all uninspired to write, create or search for financing for my own projects (that's what I live for...). Things are getting back on track, and I have to say, my psychotropic experiences have helped. But be careful - anything that can help can also hinder, by being a crutch, or by sinking you deeper into the hole, especially if were talking psychedelics. Maybe it's time for a break. Tough one I know, especially when it seems like it's all you've got. But it will always be there. Sometimes you gotta step back to step forward. Sounds trite I know, but there is truth in it.

Go for walks, read things unrelated to spice/acid/shrooms. Breathe. Exercise. Eat well. Any hobbies? dedicate some time to them. Charm the GF (even if you don't feel like it). Maybe drink a beer with a friend, too. I know where you're coming from, but it sounds like you need a change of scenery, if not a paradigm shift. Maybe try and find work in something that interests you (other than extracting spice!), maybe in some field you'd never considered before. Or just take any work that comes along for now, to get you out of the House. (pun intended)

I hope this helps. Only words, but empires were built with less. You sound like a smart, stand up guy. If you lived near me, I'd take you out for a beer and change your mind a little.

cheers and keep us posted.

JBArk

۩

I'm so sorry that you are going through a difficult time my friend. I can relate completely, i managed to get my dream job just a few months ago with an environmental protection organisation. This is something i have been dreaming about since i was six years old but sadly our team leader ran things into the ground now and we haven't got enough funding any more to run. My hands were tied and there was nothing that i could do, i had to stand by and just watch this happen which completely broke my heart. So I'm going to be out of a job within two days or so and they get to go back home and continue working for the organisation in a different position.

Life is really difficult, I also don't fit into normal society at all. Its hard to carry on with a so called normal life when you know what you know and you have seen what you have seen. I really do believe that everything in life happens for a reason and every obstacle that we come across in life is to teach us something valuable. No matter how difficult or terrible it may seem initially it will pass over you like a wave. In turn you will gain in precious knowledge...

Chin up my friend and stay strong i know its not easy but it will pass eventually.


Much Peace and Compassion

Normal? what is normal?

۩, I have gone through this exact mindframe, but fortunately for me I was able to leave it be.

I do think that part of your downward spiraling has to do with the work issue, and that things are easier when there is work and money to pay for bills. You just gotta keep trying. Things are alot easier when you have work to think about all day, and then after hours you have your own time.

This spice is truly crazy stuff, and if one is to spend too much time pondering over it im sure one will end up "nuts".

House my brother!

I feel you, and of course there's not much we can really say because its a process that you are going through and that depends on so many variables to solve itself, only time will get it through. When Im at the bottom, it helps me sometimes to try remember that 'this too shall pass', and just keep going step by step, day by day.

There are several things about what you say that call my attention separately. For example I understand the difficulty relating to many 'normal' people. I dont drink, dont like pop music or bars, superficial conversations, social games and dont like places where everybody smokes cigarretes indoors (so yeah not much going out ). But still once in a while one meets good people around, even if they are not psychedelic-minded but just people with a good heart. Old locals from small towns can be awesome, for example! Or kids, or in general some spread individuals out there..

Also, there's plenty of 'normal' people that you can learn from in one way or another, that you can use as mirrors to see your own characteristics, that you can test your arguments with, that you can use their presence to exercise being patient, to respond not from your ego but in the way that will be the best for all, that they can learn from, being as exemplary as possible.

Trying to find a mid-way is always important. Sometimes exposing yourself to different situations that are not exactly what you would like to (which would probably be tripping with good friends in nature, if I know you, and me too ), will actually bring about unexpected events that can be great. A bit of social situation is important, you can meet new contacts in life, or just funny people, or comments that are made that can make you have new ideas, or whatever...

You are not alone!!! We are here, and there are good people somewhere around you too for sure, be patient they will appear!

and in general about the integration, keep going with your exercises and healthy food, im sure this helps too!

Money problems sucks, and I know what you mean about the whole aspect of not being productive (in particular in the eyes of others) when one doesnt have a job and all those issues... This is inevitable and you're gonna have to go through until it ends. Just take confidence for now that you are doing your part and that you are a good person and you do productive things, you're no lazy bastard. And keep working on finding some work, its gonna come! Remember wsaged was very down some time ago too and found something ?

Maybe you can use this opportunity to think of new ways of making money. just keep trying to find things, and be sure to broaden up your perspectives. Maybe you got a brother somewhere in a different place that you can work with, or something else that could come up

All the best for you and dont worry about not having breakthroughs now.. Life requires dedication in different areas at different times. You're gonna go through this and become a better person after, I promiss you! Try to digest the lessons as they come, as hard as it may be (and I know its much easier said than done).

*sending some light your way!*

When you're in a pit, all you see is the pit. I know that for a fact. And it really blinds you and fucks you up. No cord thrown seems long enough to pull yourself up. I have had dark thoughts - they're part of who I am. But later when things are truly better, I remember the pit. and then when I fall back in, I remember that there is no pit I haven't survived and gotten myself out of. And it doesn't make the pit any shallower, just gives me the tiniest bit of hope. And that's all you need sometimes.

There will be jobs. There will be better times. there will be some measure of joy. and inspiration. and rapture. I guarantee if you have had these things before you will have them again if you just ride it out.

And if it really gets to be too much, seek professional help - I don't say this lightly. I haven't (so far) needed it, but I have been damn close. People here will have your back, support and reassure you, but there is a limit to what we can do over a Mb/s connection.

I hope this helps. And if it doesn't, know it comes from a good person, from a good place. I feel at home here (even though I haven't been here long), and you're a part of here. An articulate, thoughtful, important and respected part of here.

Chin up.
JBArk

In terms of professional help, don't underestimate an objective viewpoint. Most of us here are, by virtue of who we are and what we do, are going to approach the problem with a relatively small scope of advice. And we've established that it's not realistic to expect someone from outside this community to understand. But a professional will listen and not judge and will be disposed to draw your attention to things you (or anyone here for that matter) had not considered by virtue of their being from a totally different background. I have always had an aversion to this brand of help, and held the profession in great disdain, but I feel it is likely I will need their help one day, so I am trying to change the way I feel. Friends can only help so much.

JBArk

۩

There is nothing wrong with you my friend you are a sensitive aware person who's eyes have been opened, i really don't feel that any psychiatrist could help you as all they will do is pigeon hole you and give you some hectic medication. But if you feel that you need help and want someone to talk to you must seek it out my friend. R.D Laing has some interesting perspectives you should read some of his works eg: The Politics of Experience. You will work things out my friend it only takes time and a little bit of positivity...


Much Peace and Healing

Agreed because all the "Proffesionals" will just want to put you on pills that once you start taking you cant stop it sucks. One day last week I was having a bad day my son was irritating me,having a bad work day, not feeling very good in general.That night my roommate wanted to smoke some spice iwasnt feeling it but obliged him anyway. We lit a fire in the backyard and i gave him the bowl he hit it a couple times then passed it to me. I said fuck it hit it once and set the bowl down. There was no visuals no craziness at all and I let out the smoke and with it all the bullshit I was carrying with me. An ear to ear smile came across my face and the thought of what was i worried/pissed about whatever it iwas it doesnt matter and it never matterd. Its just a wasteful emotion. Everything will work out house it always does. Maybe a little spice journey to collect yourself. Best wishes Brother.

۩, I have been in a position that sounds very similar to what you describe. I still cannot hang out with many of my partner's friends, due to alienating them.

The stress of living as part of a dyad that you feel like you cannot contribute weighs heavily. The feeing of dependence rankled me so much.

Living in a college town, I understand the level of competition for any job. It sometimes seems one has to have a master's degree just to work as a waiter.

I have not journeyed as far, or as deeply as you, but during the period I speak of, it was at least twice a week with high doses of mushrooms or LSD. With each greater peak, came a deeper valley. I'm still ashamed of many of my acts during this time, as often I felt driven to do things returning from the entheogenic state immediately, without considering their impact on people in my life, or how I could express the intention in a more skillful way.

I believe one of my healthiest changes came when I realized that I did not have to hold an antagonistic attitude towards the "normal" people around me. Sure, they might appear asleep, zombies, carrying out programs of death. I think the only use for those visions comes from helping us remove the same behaviors from ourselves. Forgive them, for they never received instruction in how to behave better.

On the Nexus, I often see very negative attitudes toward normal primate social behavior; like the commenters remain above these things somehow. Realizing that we have a deep need for social integration to live healthier, I think a loving acceptance of our monkeyness very important. The judging of these things, I think, often comes from a deep insecurity and prevents us from honoring the social animal. Preventing primates from getting physically groomed by their troop, even if they still live in each others presence, destroys their health and causes depression in the animals.

Finding some group who you can just take in each others' company might really help you. In my case, I ended my isolation by just saying "hi" to everyone I made eye contact with, and letting it grow from there.

It took a lot, but I think in the end I got much more out of it. Even though I don't feel emotionally close to most of my f2f friends, I can appreciate them very much for their company. Letting go of a lot of the psychedelic intensity can help.

My best wishes with you,
R

In my experience, counselors typically do not act as Aegle and Big Inhale describe. Most prescriptions for mood controllers come from family practitioners who do not really have the experience to suggest such things, and only go by the symptom lists provided by the companies. Therapists, and even non-hospital-affiliated psychiatrists generally prefer to avoid drug treatments, in my visits with them

House,

I really wish you start feeling better as times goes by.

Sometimes I've had problems at work because I let my mind fly in psychedelic thoughts and can't focus on work as I 'should'.
I have always been an 'introverted' person, but after psychedelics I can't even enjoy 'hanging out' and 'getting fucked up' (alcohol / pop music)
I hate to talk about superficial things with people, but fortunately I have friends who I can talk to about psychedelics and other interesting stuff.

I think that the actual economic system is oppressive and that the people who enjoy psychedelics should be able to dedicate their lives to something related if that is their choice. I believe it's not 'your fault' that you are feeling the way you are feeling and I hope someday psychedelics become legal for all, so people who want to work and live in a psychedelic environment are able to do so. That's why I think legalization plays a very important role in helping society, and specially the psychedelic community.

I'm pretty sure that most of the guys selling ethnobotanicals via Internet LOVE their work.

If you want to dedicate your life to something 'strange' like psychedelics, I suggest you try finding a work that pays you for thinking about psychedelics (maybe a psychedelic library or an ethnobotanicals website or maybe helping organizing psytrance festivals, etc).

I don't recommend trying to 'fit in' back again. You'll only fool yourself for some months and then you will start feeling 'The Call' again.
As you previously said... "there is no way back"...

...so now that you know that you brain is a hyperspatial portal and that the Universe is alive and communicating... you cannot go back and try to forget it like this life is the Matrix movie and live a happy ignorant life eating chips and watching TV.

If you ate 'the red pill'... you'll have to deal with that. That's the price we all pay I guess, and some people can handle it better than others. I know I struggle to 'fit in', but my life purpose is to help change the system... and knowing that it is possible to change things (with effort and perseverance) gives me more than enough fucking courage to 'go on' and keep on fighting this BS social system. You can bet that deep down inside I'm pissed off as a motherfucking bull, but I use that courage to learn and to think how can I help bring this whole social BS down. I also know that I may fail, but at least "I did it my way".

Follow you bliss and try to find a work YOU are comfortable with. Try to do want you WANT to do... and get paid for doing so.

Good luck!

Thank you so much, clouds.
Spot on...

House:

A little over a year ago I was happy in my little engineering job. Nothing special, but it paid the bills and I was quickly accelerating to the top of my firm -- and just recently out of college. My life seemed to be headed in a comfortable orange county capitalist paradigm.

Then, DMT found me (or let me find it?) and nothing has been the same.

Since then, turmoil juxtaposed with bliss. I've always been fascinated with this eastern idea of 'enlightenment' -- be careful what you wish for.

I can no longer go out with the shallow 'friends' I once did. I can no longer watch TV in the same light, nor read a book in the same tone. I've given every dollar I once had (and some I still don't) to this cause and I'd say about ~80% of my energy is dedicated to it (though still silently).

I refuse to charge for what I make. I refuse to charge for the services I offer. The DMT requested this of me, now I must suffer the financial consequences.

I'm not the millionaire I once thought certain. Ultimately, I'm glad for this -- even in the difficulty.

My best getting through this dark period. There's always light at the end of the tunnel.

--
K

۩, I very much noticed you change over the last weeks. You basically went from calm to hysteric and I think its a good idea, that you are adressing your problems in front of your friends. Even if we are not real. A daily routine and feel of "sense" in life is something most of us need. While a daily routine isn't necessary for everyone, a sense IS. Spice can surely help you with that, but only if theres' a minimum of real world stuff happening. Why? Just because you can't base your entire life on psychs. We DO have an Ego...thats part of the game we have to play. It's more about balance I think ...and you are currently out of balance.

You can't. The place you are now is a place shared by few. You don't have to take psychs to get there. You will never return to your previous life. There are things you can't undo without lobotomy. So stop thinking about it...its just self pity.

You need your energy to focus foreward. Maybe stop psychs for a while and focus on a new perspective. Have you thought about starting your own business for instance? Or real life travel?

Just don't sit in your underwear all day long...keep focused or you'll drown. I was in that state for 5 years and it makes you sick from the inside, I can tell you. The only thing you can do is ..fight it...keep yourself busy AT ALL COSTS.

Sendig you positive vibes of hope!!

۩,

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. It's hard to focus on anything else when you feel your security threatened, and the truth is that this is a really bad time for most who need money for survival (me included). I think the bulk of your woes likely boil down to this, and how could it not get you down? No employment means no money, which in turn means no food and no shelter. Everything else comes secondary - self-worth, fulfilment, enlightenment - and until you've arrived at a place where your most immediate needs aren't threatened, it's probably going to be difficult for you to feed the more esoteric ones.

As for the integration issues, I don't know what to tell you other than you may want to think about stopping. You've picked the least conducive chemical possible for escaping your earthly concerns, and whether or not you believe that where you go is objective reality, it's clearly influenced by whether or not you are comfortable back at home. You took the red pill. You can't change that. But laying off will likely reduce your feelings of alienation. I know how deeply you love the molecule, but it truly ain't going anywhere. I understand where you're at, believe me. You picked a challenging road.

Now for the requisite cranky portion of my post (not aimed at you in any way) - I've gone on record with my feelings about this many times in here, and chances are I'm gonna keep on doing it until some real changes occur:

Advising members in crisis NOT to seek help from mental health professionals is DANGEROUS AND IRRESPONSIBLE. Your contentions are borne of new-agey ignorance and your own pre- and mis-conceptions. Would you advise a diabetic not to take insulin? I would certainly fucking hope not. Some people need more than butterflies, moonbeams and ayahuasca to thrive, and if our friend here needed nothing more than a DMT-friendly ear, then I guess he probably wouldn't find himself in crisis to begin with. Can we PLEEEEEEEEASE adopt a group wide policy to KNOCK THIS BULLSHIT OFF?

I'm not saying, ۩, that you need to seek therapy, but I'm sure not saying you don't. Anyone who imposes their own scared of the boogeyman phobias about such are just leading you deeper into the shit.

I wish you all the best, House.

Know that you are extremely blessed to have the knowledge you have gained in your life. As much as it might be making you crazy and feel distant from 'normal' people. You are blessed. You are loved, and supported at all times. Remember that.

When we find ourselves in a dark place, it is an opportunity for change, for growth. We need the darkness in order to find OUR light. My advice, as a couple others have said, is try and find something you can do with meaning, create a job for yourself if you need to. Take courage.

Think of where you really want to be, even if you think its impossible. Then think of how the world would need to be in order for that to happen. Then, think of what YOU would need to do in order to make that happen.

When we have a true desire for something in our lives, and we focus on making it happen with positive intent, it is amazing how the universe can seem to conspire to help it happen. It just takes patience at the beginning.

You are a truly valuable human being, I know this from reading your many inspiring posts. The darkest depths are where the most profound healing can occur. Embrace it with love.

All the best to you, may your soul shine.

Dear House,

We are all lucky on the Nexus to have each other to talk to about the inexplicable nature of the place we visit. I have no doubt that it consumes the minds of all who go there. You have us to talk to and from having read the replies to your outpouring of soul, there are some excellent people here who have offered some excellent advice and love. Blessed are those who have the friends to help them gain a consensus through sharing. On the Nexus, we are those friends for you.

Talking to someone might be a good idea. Not all professionals are in white coats waiting to get you on lithium. Find an analyst, an interpreter, find a good Jungian. At times like these you need to give someone else the chaos verbally and let them weave a thread through your seemingly fucked tapestry.

Take care of your loved ones, your girlfriend. It sounds like she cares for you enough to be honest and open with you. I don't think that taking taking trips will solve these problems, you need the clarity of your own mind right now to guide you through. You know yourself best though, so please don't take offense. House knows what's good for House.

I don't have anything tangible to offer you other than my best wishes for order to be restored to your life, for peace to be restored to your mind and for love to remain in you heart.

Stay strong, stay clear of mind, stay healthy and stealthy, stay wise and kind and remember that people love you. Better the sailor who weathers the storm.

Peace and love dude.

Many thanks house for opening your life with us. I have been getting chills since I opened this tab! you seem to be in a headspace I have visited many times in my cycles of brainstorming.

"Look at these people driving around in their cars, with their stepkids and cellphones, rushing to their jobs, so they can spend more money on more bullshit....." How envious I was of a normal life while having such thoughts!

"I can't figure this out!!! WHAT THE FUCK am I doing at this sushi restaurant cutting fish?! Why do I maintain this meaningless position? I could be doing such better things!" come to find out, my normal co-workers feel the exact same way deep down, they just Cowboy the Fuck Up in their normal lives.

" college is jsut about money! WHO THE HELL would finish getting their college degree If they knew what I knew? If they'd seen what I'd seen!!?!" well, that would take a person brave enough to conquer that which required Faith alone, faith that gaining knowledge isn't a waste of faculties, even if the subject matter isn't transcendental.

It's taking years of thought and meditation to integrate myself somehow in this messed up world. But, my reasoning is showing me more and more, with every drug I take, with every retrograde stride I attempt to make, that I am in fact a NORMAL ASS PERSON!

Dont give up on us normal folks house, we need you with us : )

edit: (not aimed towards house) one of the intended purposes of this post was to do away with the "us" and "them" factor this forum seems to embrace regarding Spice travelers and "Normal" people. GET OFF UR HIGH PONY we all have dmt coursing through our veins, I am sure beyond any reasonable doubt, that if you ostracize yourself from your society, your going to feel....Ostracized!

Dude, why?

There is both light and dark in nature. Both positive and negative. Shouldn't this forum discuss both aspects of our work as both are present?

This shit isn't easy. Especially in the world we live. How does one 'love all' when the only seeming way to survive is by attacking and killing your neighbor?

It's good to be positive. We must, however, deal with the negative to appreciate the positive. Hopefully this helps us learn and grow as the crazy physical manifestations we are.

Much love and light through your darkness.

--
K

It is so funny, that I went trough the same stuff..

What I did: I changed the place where I live.
Started something new.
I began studying.

I meet new people, try to become who I really am.
I imagine it like that.
I have to work on my "I" until i'm satisfied with myself and the world.
Then nobody can bring me down. No "thing" can bring me down.

After all, it was all in my head anyway.
Any complex, any psychological barrier which was seperating my being from expressing itself freely is just what it is: and therefore can be overrun.


Hope it makes sense, in a few minuites im flying, i can feel the molecule already


I'll write report if it is worth reporting.