Ant, as always, I love all the light you bring to us!!
I have noticed personally that the longer I stay away from the medicine, the more fear-based and rigid I become. The instant I am back with the medicine... "Oh, yeah!" Duh.
Never anything more than love, light, healing, teaching, and inspiration.
I had a great chat with a girlfriend the other night. We've done lots of ceremonies and she's been with the Daime, but never drank Ayahuasca alone and was nervous to drink alone for her first time. I told her about how I used to feel the same way, and stare at the cup for hours, until it dawned on me: do I want to go back to being fearful, depressed, anxious, unhappy, crippled with negativity? Or do I want to learn, grow, love, and vibrate with joy? For me, going back to where I was before I started work with the medicine is far more terrifying than any uncomfortable experience, aliens, purging, or knuckle-white holy fear. I'd rather have to own up every day and get my ass kicked by god to become a better person than to live without him... so to speak...
(and in the end, there is nothing to fear: there is always just the nonsense of me punishing myself, when I slip to the negative. And despite the silliness of all that, I am still wholly loved and a magnificent being with the blessed gift of life. It's ALWAYS good!)
Some things will come easy, some will be a test