My journeys into the great within are often difficult.
I have personal issues which have been laid bare, and I have been seeking healing in a very direct way from the spice. And sometimes this is really dark, and difficult and scary, because I see my sickness, I am in it.
My problem is that I am compulsive. I can never have enough of things. In Buddhism, I guess I would be what they call "a hungry ghost". Ever restless, I don't sleep much, am never satisfied, get bored quickly, struggle in relationships, drink far too much booze and coffee, and smoke more than anyone I know. I am rarely at rest. It's like there's a black hole in me that is simply never satisfied.
I have known about this, and known it's a problem for a long time, but have always dodged dealing with it head on.
Well, over the past few months I decided it was time to face my demons, and find the root in my psyche of this constant need.
I have seen some truly horrifying things in hyperspace; but they are all things that are in me - which is even more horrifying. Black, oily foul entities, like crude oil piranhas, hunger and insatiable need made flesh.
There have been times when I've thought, I can't take much more of this ... this is too hard. But I have continued.
Today, I was gifted with the most exquisitely tender and loving journey, a soothing balm I am so grateful for. The method was Electric Sheep - infused calea and sacred blue lotus; the latter of which I feel is often associated with love. It is a very special plant.
I entered slowly - a marked difference from the quantum warp drive of my last journey - into a warm, deliciously peach and pink world of marshmallows and daisies and fresh cream in pale sweet spring sunshine. It took my breath away.
A female entity was there to meet me, and she was physically engaging with me. I could feel her hands on my chest, and on my cheeks as she moved my head thss way and that, so very tenderly. I surrendered completely into symbiosis, and she and others opened parts of my body and climbed inside.
I was shown places of gentle beauty, and my awareness was both inside and out as they settled into my body and started moving things around. We spoke, and from time to time she moved my head up, or to the left or right to show me one thing or another.
Then it was time to move to the next dimension. As always, I was squeezed - very gently this time - out to the right. This is often the hardest part of my journey, where I must face my darkness; but it was again gentle with me. I was taken from room to room, and remember seeing dancing sea-horse jim jam jesters laughing in candy coloured lines like solid waves of living neoprene; I must have gone through a dozen or more distinctly different spaces; rooms in the tryptamine palace. Some were electric and blue with sparkles and stars; others were red and fleshy; I would leave and enter these new places in different ways: by turning my head, or going up through the top of it; leaving my body or going inside it. Each space was beautiful beyond description.
Then, she literally pried my eyelids open. I felt her fingers like long, thin wires of warm mercury pulling my eyes open. Wow. My little space was magnificent in it's colours and shapes; and just visible behind the ceiling, as if it was made of thin paper, the blue vaulted interior of an endless cathedral. With eyes open, I felt my body carried on a bed of feather pillows, borne by clouds as a floated in this magnificence.
My hands were placed together, in thanks, fingers touching, and inside, a ball of light and ever changing spaces, depths and visions. The doctors, meanwhile, were working on my physical being.
"You are our son. We love you" they said, as they set to work on my battered body.
I closed my eyes again, and entered a strange two-and-a-half dimensional world of red and black chalk-drawn, animated beings, who were all a bit tortured, trapped, hurt and needy. I was being used as a light in this dark world. I was not scared by this place; I felt I wanted to help any way I could, to relieve these poor creatures of their pain, if I could. I realised that this is how we appear to Them: two dimensional, locked into our own pain and messes and unable to see. They see this and want to help to illuminate the darkness out of compassion. That is what I felt I was being shown.
This wonder that we here on the Nexus share, is truly astounding. It is powerful, and infinitely compassionate. I am humbled, privileged and incredibly grateful that it has chosen to become part of my life.
"at journey's end, we must begin again"