Just finished the last of my DMT.
I didn't want to blast off far, I more-or-less wanted to stimulate my energy body.
Over the course of 2 hours I hit my pipe about 20 times. I only had 90 mg to start off with, but each hit seemed to show me a little more.
The first one was the most significant because I felt such a FEAR for everything. I realized that no one can think for me, only I can think for me. It was really abstract the way that I was thinking. Since only I know that I can think for myself, I began to fear that I'm really alone in this world. When we cry we cry alone, when we dance, we dance alone. We may have similar reasons for acting the way we do, but we are COMPLETELY ALONE.
This scares me for some unknown reason. Maybe because I fear a lot of things. I fear the inner workings of my mind (I sometimes feel I'm a bit crazy... But I guess we all are
) almost as much as I fear death. I also fear this idea of a God. Are we God? Is everything God for God is supposed to be within us all?
What makes something spiritual? I long to live a spiritual life, but no matter what I do there is a possiblity that whatever I do is wrong. I like taking entheogens to help me understand God and my Self and my energy body/chakras and all of that, and often to help me UNLEARN what I "think" I understand.
During the next few hits I was randomly overwhelmed with feeling. A lot of times during my DMT journeys I will open my mouth and drop my head.
Side note - anyone notice that when you're on a DMT journey the slightest movement of your head changes the experience a LOT?
I began to talk to myself during the down-time in between trips. I do this sometimes because when I say things I will say the first thing that comes to my head. And if I try talking about love/God/the Self for long enough, I start to notice patterns in my thinking and upon analyzation I learn WHY I think the way I do. It's just something that helps me, I don't know.
I did this for a good 3 minutes. I realized how afraid of everything I am. I'm afraid of college because what if I do something that I will eventually hate?
My goal in life is to help change the world in some way... preferrably a spiritual way.
But I can only help others when I find myself to be in a good state of mind and being.
I've had many trips where I felt like I had "died" and they were blissful, but I really am afraid of death. Is it like religions make it out to be? Is it much different? Is God going appear to me and I'll suddenly know everything? There's so many questions that cannot possibly be answered and I guess my ultimate fear is fear of the unknown.
And how can one say they are happy or in love? When I say I feel happy I never actually feel anything. Same with love. I know that I love my parents but I don't get any sort of feeling when I'm around them. Same with my sister and my ex. I loved my ex dearly, but it never "felt" like anything. So how can I possibly say I love anything or I am happy if it does nothing for me? Idk
I rambled a lot here, but these things played a huge role in my trip. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.