Torpid...

A long standing mental fog, running on fumes in burnout. Everything is blurring together.

I feel burnt out in life right now.

There's so much going on.

Mind you, none of this is a complaint. I have a lot of gratitude. It's just expressing my state and how I feel. This will matter later.

Another long week at a tiresome job that I've long been over. Hopefully I'll be able to make my exit soon.

Staying at my lady friend's place for the night, I promptly grabbed the GVG out of my backpack and set myself up on my lady friend's bed. Her Ausie-Doodle decided to join me. He was more than welcome and I appreciated his company and support.

I picked the "standard" song that I usually do and opened the space.

"Sacredly and with devotion, using the power of my mind will and soul, I open this sacred space. Greeting the Sacred Mystery, the Grand Paradox, and the sacred plant essences and spirits of Mimosa and DMT and Syrian Rue and harmalas, and all the herbs that hold you. I come to balance; I come to seek."

Then I stated to myself "commit, surrender, let go, lean in, be with it, transcend, unlock."

Firing the torch and tilting the flame into the glass top, I drew hard, but slow, allowing more vapor to build up than usual... I just don't care as much anymore. I don't care about my anxiety, fear, apprehension, etc. In some ways it's nice (like when smoalking changa), in some ways not so much (I've been finding it hard to get into things and connect with people lately).

I wanted to be with my body, my feelings/emotions, and my thoughts, so tried to keep things outside of the visual range, but was not dissatisfied by the slight amount that were present.

My thoughts were centered around many of the things that have been perturbing me, such as life stressors, my health, and the apparent state of the world, among other things. But I could see it clearly, without overt emotionality tainting my perspective of it all. I could just be with it.

To be more accurate, there were certainly emotions present in this state, but a deeper subset of myself, something closer to my deeper being, was unperturbed, sustained equanimity, was balanced. A part of myself that a long to be more in touch with.

As I was coming down, and the song started to fade into another, I chose to take another hit. I wanted to so did, instead of the usual withholding and saying that once is good enough... no, go back... again and again and again and again...

The soundscape of the song made me feel weird; tense, with a wavering deepening of the experience, with visuals popping in and out of my visual field. I started to feel sick, but was very curious and decided to stay with this uncomfortable experience for a while longer. It wasn't bad, but rather quite interesting, just hard to handle.

I changed the song. My body began to discharge, and stoically, I rode it out. Coltrane (the Aussie-Doodle) noticed my experience and seemed to come to me as a grounding mechanism. He jumped on the bed and stood right in front of me. I put my arms around him, and he laid on my chest, cuddling up to me in my arms.

I was still feeling sick. I've been in the space enough times to take a hint. I told Trane that I was sorry, but there was something that I had to get out of me and got up and rounded the corner into the bathroom.

Retching at first, the purge was yellow, but there was very little in my stomach. The color is almost always interesting to me because I tend to be pretty fasted before a journey and so the color can sometimes be symbolic, even if I don't always know what that symbol is.

Each expulsion was rewarded with a wave of relief felt in my mind, body, and being. But I was also left feeling more worn out than before I started smoalking.

While it may have had "difficult" aspects, I didn't mind. I've been feeling a lot of apathy lately. I wanted to feel. I felt DMT and so many other things.

Thank you for reading

One love

Thank you for sharing this experience. Do you believe the purge was you getting something out of your body and mind that didn't belong there, or do you think it was just a product of you going over the threshold you usually set for yourself?

Spice is such a powerful thing...I have very limited experience with it, but my time to wade those waters will come when it needs to.

In any case, I'm glad you felt better afterwards. It's the little things that matter. Persevere, brother. Dawn is coming.

Lovely report. Thank you for writing

What I enjoyed here is the focus on the aspects surrounding the ritual. This was curiously satiating, and the mere implication of the content of the experience(s) was sufficient, somehow, to bring a feeling of being carried along on the journey. And there you have it - the feeling. Wow!

Great report. Breakthrough? Or no?

Great report !
Does it happen frequently to you to vomit while in the DMT space ?
It happened once to me to feel sick, was not able to vomit though, only spitting some strange things coming out of my tongue (i checked after in the bucket my saliva was normal, no sandy things were found).
The spirit told me that i needed to go deeper to be able to release hehe

Thank you, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I would have to say that it was a mix of the two. Sometimes when my system can't handle the intensity I vomit as a way to reach equilibrium again. All the same, this was one of those instances where the feeling stayed with me and I had a choice to make; purge or hold in all of the dross, stress negativity, etc. I went with "better out than in" and hugged the porcelain throne for a little while

Sometimes, my purging is abrupt and violent, which tend to be the most relieving ones. It all just comes up and out. This one was a little bit more work.



Thank you, brother. I'm glad you came on that ride to feel with me.

Helping me to feel has been big for me lately with DMT. I've been spending a lot of time quiet and withdrawn, especially at work. I tend to be a little better for a time after a journey. I haven't had time or energy for many other psychedelics in the past few months, so I'm just doing the DMT/changa forays often again. Definitely feeling less trepidation about my decision.



If I would've taken one more hit I probably would've broken through, but that would have been a distraction from my intents in the moment. The song that I had to change was doing some weird stuff to me though during the experience and I want to try to explore it again sometime. It really brought something to the surface that led towards alleviation after a little work. It was a catalyst.



Thank you, kindly

I used to vomit every time I did DMT alone or changa. It took a lot of persistence for me to move passed it. Now, I only vomit sometimes with changa. It hasn't happened in a while with just freebase DMT, but isn't outside the realm of possibility to happen again if the medicine feels that that's what I need. I am more likely to vomit the deeper I go. There have been breakthrough experiences where I'm gripping my trashcan and screaming into it and I can barely make out that the trashcan is a trashcan. This sensitivity developed around the time I turned 30, but have made a lot of headway in managing it.

Sometimes what we experience is something deeper than our pragmatic reality, kind of like the marble in the throat that I sometimes experience in these spaces. There's no marble in my throat, but could represent things like issues or problems with communication, connection, etc.

Go deeper and explore my friend

One love