I had one of the best, most meaningful, and fulfilling times in a long time.

I also feel like a very different person, in some of the most positive of ways.

This past weekend, I attended a heart opening ceremony for the equinox and was a hybrid function with intentional and recreational medicine/psychedelic use.

Background:
This was a big step for me out of my comfort zone. I have only known the hosts for about a month and traveled to their state for the event on my own, something I haven't done in a very long time. I would also be meeting many new people which could be overwhelming for my highly sensitive and introverted ass.

The hosts and I met when a medicine community I work with requested one of the hosts to come up and share and teach about his psilocybin protocol in his guidework practice. To keep this short, the class didnt go very well. It was fine when he could focus on just his approach and his protocol, but unfortunately the community projected certain expectations on him and brought up topics that he was not prepared to discuss. Unfortunately, some dogma of this community arose, and he was villified by the community in the end. He and I resonated deeply. I was the first one he spoke with when he arrived, and the director of the community had to gesture us towards the class when it was time to start because we were so deep in conversation. During the class when I saw things beginning to fall apart, I tried to mediate the situation, having felt that their treatment of him was unfair and was predicated and not realizing the subjective nature of their convictions and misunderstanding his statements and stances. There seemed to be quite a bit of unacknowledged bias and agenda. I did my best, but to no avail.

He and his wife were very thankful, however, for my efforts during and after the class (because we spoke at length in the days after several times), and seemed to think highly of me and my character for my actions and scruples. I just tried to remedy something that I felt didn't need to happen. I felt it was right. That's all.

So, they decided to invite me to this ceremony.

I decided on three intentions for the ceremony: to access and rediscover lost parts of myself, to process some childhood trauma and experiences that are still impacting me (that seem to have come to the surface of my mind as a result of increased DMT use), and to open my heart.

The dosing for the day was as follows:
Start- 80mg MDMA or 70mg MDA.
90 minutes later- redose 40mg-80mg MDMA or 30mg-70mg MDA.
Another 90 minutes later- redose 40mg-80mg MDMA or 30mg-70mg MDA.
3 hours after last dose- 20mg 2-CB.

In the days leading up to the experience I abstained from various things and lived a bit healthier than I normally do (though I do make it a priority to stay healthy). I also took it as an opportunity for a DMT break. I wanted to be clear and open for this specific experience. It would also be my first time trying 2-CB and I wanted less in my system to feel as much of its essence as I could (especially since I'd already have taken MDMA and MDA).

The day of:
I arrived in the high desert the afternoon before the day of the event, greeted by the other host (the speaker's wife). She's extremely sweet, thoughtful and funny. I ended up being her sidekick throughout the evening when we had to run other errands and pick up other guests.

I tend to be a social chameleon, but experience feelings of discomfort underneath the facade. Hence my social anxiety. It was different this time though. I feel naturally comfortable with the guide host and his wife which extended to their friends. Many of them were also psychedelic guides, therapists, and psychonauts and intentional users. Many seemed interested and intrigued by my approach to guidework, which was nice to openly and freely talk about in a context that provided fruitful and fulfilling conversation. They were all such interesting, kind, and wonderful people, and it was a gift to spend such a magical day and night with them. Many of them had heard about me prior to the event and many extended gratitude and validation to me, particularly for my standing up for the host the best I could.

They interacted with me very much the same ways in which they behaved with each other. A lot of them had been friends for many years and it was beautiful to see so much love and fluid and authentic interaction. It felt really good all around, and this is before we took and feel-good drugs.

The day of:
Many of us at the air bnb woke up earlyish and ate a big delicious breakfast with fried eggs, sweet potatoes, hashed potatoes, and avocado toast with fruit. We made sure to stop eating around 11am to be plenty fasted by the time we took the medicine.

During the time leading up to heading back to the hosts' home, I got my daily squats in using some quikrete bags that happened to be outside, packed my stuff up because I would be heading to the airport from the ceremony at 4am the next day, and meditated on my intentions.

We then headed back to our hosts' home. Upon arrival, we could see several others had already showed up. We chatted and mingled while finishing the set up for the ceremony and festivities. We then headed to the fire pit almighty up the hill from theh home.

One of the guests, who is also a practitioner, welcomed us into the space with a mapacho and sage blessing. We took our seats and opened ourselves up to the host as he began the ceremony. Giving thanks and gratitude for everythint that allows us the opportunity to have the upcoming experience. This covered several rituals and meditations. During one, as we symbolically blew out that which doesnt serve us, the wind synchronicistically picked up as though to blow away what we blew out. We were connected to each other, the earth and the forces that be. The spirit of air was evident and prevalent.

We were then offered our medicine. I chose to start with 70mg of MDA. While awaiting the come-up, everyone just hung out. One individual was asking if anyone wanted to walk with him to the butte that wasnt far from the residence. I told him id go with him. As we hiked, we got to know each other and developed and great and balanced vibe. We got to the butte and i touched it, feeling its might and majesty. Then I was asked, "do you want to go to the top?" I hesitated for a moment, then said "f*** it, let's do it."

Im not going to lie, I haven't done anything like that in a long time. I was scared after a while. But I just stayed focused, remembering what it was like when I used to climb; three points of contact, slow and steady, breathe, etc. It was actually a pretty smooth ascent, all while coming up on MDA.

The view at the top took my breath away, with a gorgeous vista with large mountain peeks in the distance, rolling hills, and the high desert forest with homes scattered throughout on a lovely fall day with minimal clouds, stunning sun, and temperate conditions.

Then we climbed/hiked back to the house, sharing gratitude to one another for the adventure (that we were actually asked not to do, but...)

We were late getting back for our first redose (so more than 90 minutes after the first dose), so made sure to do so. I took 30mg MDA and 40mg MDMA.

At this point, people were mainly relaxing and bonding, talking and cuddling in the sun while taking care of each others' needs. Was really beautiful. After some time, I decide to lay under a blanket under the sonic table. Gazing at the clouds and letting my mind wander, I was there for a long, but unknown period of time. One of the guests came to check on me. I told him I was grateful for his presence, and when he asked me if I needed anything, I simply requested physical touch. He initially started rubbing my chest and shoulders, but then intuitively jumped to my forearms, which I have been having some pain and issues with. It made for a beautiful connection.

The music had been picking up in pace, and the host who taught the class decided it was time for him to spin. His equipment was set up so that the dance floor was under the awning and his back was overlooking the city in the high desert with an amazing vista as the sun began to set.

We take our second redose (it's about 1700). I take 40mg MDMA. Then start to boogie!

I'm finding it hard to describe my elation, perhaps because such feelings are rare and so in and of themselves, are also overwhelming. But it was purely beautiful love permeating the dancefloor and surrounding space. It was like a tight-knit, intimate tribe, communing and loving each other, the planet, and life.

3 hours after our last dose, we took our 2-CB. I accidentally took mine a little early because I was paying attention and had been really excited to try the 2-CB. The hosts were actually strategic about this protocol. Apparently, Myron Stolaroff found that taking 2-CB after around 3 after the last dose of MDA or MDMA helps reduce post MDA and MDMA contractions in the following days. Because the last time I had rolled resulted in a very deep depression, I wasn't sure if I would ever do MDA or MDMA again. My experience after this weekend has reopened that door for me.

So we continued to boogie while things got weird. We started losing energy around the time the host said that he was ready to smoke some cannabis and enjoy his 2-CB. He had spun for about 3 hours for us and it was a fantastic set, where he read the vibe well and truly worked his magic on us.

Towards the end, I recall some amazing conversations, some cuddles and connection, hanging out in the bathroom with others while a few took a bath , and laying on the floor of the host's guidework room while watching the visualizer on the ceiling, allowing my mind to do what is pleased as I explored the 2-CB.

Around midnight I began falling in and out of sleep while laying on the couch in the guidework room while others were hanging out. Just as well since I had to head to the airport at 0400. I layed for about three hours, then got up, showered, packed my things, and said my goodbyes. I was sad to go, wanting to hang out with everyone in the morning, but I unfortunately had to come back home and be responsible.

Regarding the intentions:
They were on my mind throught the day and night and I feel like a great deal of progress was made and so much about myself understood. I felt a little more free.

I used to be more adventurous. I tapped back into that by coming to the ceremony in the first place, but also by climbing the butte and choosing to actually have some fun and a good time with wonderful people.

As for opening my heart, with the welcome and authenticity i received from everyone, this was almost easy. Okay, and the medicines definitely helped.

The big work came in processing childhood trauma. My dad sucks, simple as that and no getting around it. There are ways in which he robbed me of my sense of self very early on. As an example, I had written the sentence "I will practice not talking," more than 2000 times before the age of 8, not to mention having had to post signs throught the house to remind myself to "practice not talking." When I asked my mom as an adult if I really talked that much, she said no, not anymore than any other kid my age. Without going into specifics, he raised me to be timid and he's the reasons I feel obligated to speak even when i don't want to. He was the source of distrust with myself and confusion in decision making. It didnt help that I had to always await his approval for various things. I've spent a long time trying to head off criticisms because he criticised everything (he would correct me on my opinions). Being "good" at things isn't so much to have a reason to feel good about myself, but more so to dodge judgment and criticism. His influence is why it's hard to allow. To ask for anything. To trust myself. To feel assured. To see myself. Conditioned towards feeling bad and guilty. Difficulties with relationships. To ever be good enough (never felt I ever earned his approval or love)... source of my self loathing...

Influenced by the MDA, MDMA and 2-CB, this work within was actually very beautiful. It never ruined my mood or vibe, but to the contrary, as I came to understand more I began to feel liberated. I may have uncomsciously and mistakenly mapped my fathers nature onto the world, and letting positive sentiments and love in has always been hard. But in realizing this and its cause and nature, plenty of love from the day/evening entered me, and cleansed me. Every beautiful thing that someone had to say about me was graciously and humbly accepted. I may have certain feelings stemming from my childhood, but my interpersonal experience tells a vastly dynamic and different story... I was able to see myself.

I felt validated in this during a tarot spread. It was a three card draw. The first is the obstacle, and I was called to pick XIX, the Sun, connected to embracing life, self expression, and freedom. The second was the way through, and I was called to pick XIII, Death, symbolizing death bringing about life, destruction bringing about creation, shedding what isn't serving one to make room for what will, transformation. The final card being the reward, I was called to draw I, The Magician who sees magic everywhere and all around, one who transmutes, one who sees a vision and manifests it as a reality... I don't know, but this seemed an apt spread to me.

The woman who did my tarot spread was a very intriguing, genuine and wonderful woman. We seemed to resonate well and had a mutual fondness, exchanging wonder of each other and compliments (she actually cam outside with me to do squats and some crunches before the event), and she really seemed to enjoy picking my brain. Herp presence and freedom of self impacted me a lot that night.


The days after:
I have felt like a different person since this experienced. More balanced. More productive and proactive. More fluidity of thought and function. More happiness and positivity. A whole lot of compassion with a whole lot of not giving a f*ck. And I'll take it, because I could use some increased resilience in life (trying to make some transitions and things are falling apart at my job). I have a great deal more exploration and research to do on 2-CB. I'm fascinated and think I've fallen in love.

I felt like I was inducted into a tribe of sorts. I'm happy with myself for stepping outside the comfort zone and saying yes to this experience. And I am looking forward with more optimism in general. I'm not necessarily happy, but I am much more centered, less miserable, and more functional, with less internal judgment.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed.



One love

Wow, that sounds like a wonderful and heavenly experience. And also quite large amounts of MDMA, MDA and 2-CB together. I've never taken more than 120 mg of MDMA myself, and that was never underwhelming to me, so i can imagine that this must have been quite something.

And somehow i've always imagined a desert to be the perfect place to do MDMA as well.

What a beautiful report! It sounds like you got a lot of good work done and found some great people. Thank you for sharing with us and keep up the good work my friend. 💓

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I've definitely taken higher unknown amounts in the past simply based off of comparative intensity. There was a time when my girl friend at the time and I both had a half gram of molly and a quarter of mushrooms for Electric Daisy Carnival... I am not sure how I functioned ao well on doses like that back in the day... that was one of the more overall intense experiences that was more than just the drugs involved.
But this was a really pleasant return. The 2-CB was completely new to me and am curious to explore it a great deal more.



Thank you, also

I've been reflecting a lot and intensely about that byproducts of growth in this experience. There's still much work to be done in the specific domains mentioned above, but while I admit it seems daunting as I look forward, I feel more confident about moving into it more at the very least.

One love

Voidmatrix,

Thanks for sharing the intimate details of your struggle. It helps to see what others have gone through and how they are fighting to improve. I wouldn't have thought you were going through these things, so it's good to know that even strong men struggle. It makes what I go though seem more normal. It seems like you do a good job of handling the challenges your day to day.

I'm so happy to hear you've had a breakthrough. I had hoped that you would achieve a new phase of life where positive momentum builds more easily. I'm glad that this phase might be beginning for you. I believe you can be in a place where positivity compounds and you are enjoying the fruits of your labor. I'm sure the instability at your current job will work out and you will be in a much better place soon.

Sending love.

What a wonderful account that was, Void... Thank you so much for sharing it with us. It definitely seems you've found a family where you saw only acquaintances until now. Good people, with pure hearts and even purer intentions. This makes me happy.

And I commend you on your bravery to climb that butte while peaking on MDA, I know I wouldn't dare do something like that. It seems you properly embraced the spirit of adventure, and it's a beautiful thing. I'm glad you were safe.

And I'm particularly happy to hear you've been able to revisit this childhood trauma that you've been carrying for so long, and look upon it with new eyes and understanding.

This really hit me...I've never experienced something like this, for which I'll be forever grateful to my parents. But I can imagine how difficult a mode of existence this is. Always having to live up to some expectations, and being made to feel inferior if you don't. But it did make you a beautiful soul that intuitively has empathy for others. It's one of the things I love so much about you.

And it seems you made some good progress in dealing with these emotions. Puts a big smile on my face!

I miss this kind of experience. I've been abstaining from psychedelic work for a while now because I feel like the environment I am in is not healthy for this type of activity. But I need to slowly get back into it, got some things to work on...

Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story with us. It made me reflect on some things about my own predicament.

Love ya!

Thank you so much. Being one who wants to take responsibility for my own state and actions to high degrees, I have a had a hard time labeling my father as the source for much of my felt dysfunction because I didn't want to blame him. Blaming often doesn't get us very far, and I am aware that he has unresolved trauma as well (though that is no excuse for his behavior and actions, imo), so have some degree of understanding for his instability. All the same, he is the source of a lot of my sh!t. And there's also no talking to him about all of this. He had standards, but I had very little guidance growing up (which is why my mother tells people that I raised myself; my father was not someone suitable to learn from, and he did his best to limit my mother's influence on me; "you don't ask your mother for things" or "you guys aren't friends" misogyny and hegemony at its finest). I could go on and on but the point is there's still a lot to unearth and understand and shift and change.

And thank you. I try to be strong though I may not feel it. Being is more important than feeling. At the same time, I put on the facade well This is why an old therapist called me "high functioning."



Perhaps you can take a little credit



To be honest, I was made to feel inferior even when I lived up to expectations. It was pure toxicity. And my father was extremely strategic in his negative behaviors, priding himself on rarely cussing for example, which is just silly considering other things that he did and said. I recall being told explicitly on more than one occasion not to talk about myself. I learned early on that focus on me is a bad thing... yet I get a decent amount of attention, unable to let the positivity that can come with that in and so am in this default mode of anxiety. I'm kind of a homebody and love being in my room. Why? Likely because I didn't feel safe or secure at home. I always found something to do after school mainly to avoid being at home. He is the source of my concerns with ever being perceived as self-centered or egotistical; I learned that any focus or centering on myself is a bad thing.

I often wonder why it's so hard to do well for myself...



And thank you as well. I am very much looking forward to the next gathering. And I'm really glad that I climbed that butte. When I go back I plan on taking my climbing gear to climb with the guy I took the adventure with. We had a really good vibe with one another.



I'm happy this was able to help you. Always a goal I have in mind (probably because I'm not okay with things being just about me ) I hope that you are able to get to a point where an experience such as this one can happen for you. These kinds of experiences are rejuvenating and sustaining.

One love

Half a gram i cannot even imagine what that is like.

I was also a little intruiged by your story about the tarot spread. I have done that a couple of times as well, and i was always shocked at how accurately it described my situation. Almost frightingly accurate even.

It doesn't realy matter how it works, but i believe the human brain is actually capable of scanning all cards and memorizing and counting them while shaking, while also interpreting their hidden meanings.

Some people find that odd, but i don't think anything the brain could do should come as a surprise anymore after you've done a high dose of DMT.

But who knows what's going on there?

Yeah, they may have been the hardest I've ever rolled. It was a wild ride. But a great time all the same and while there were some weird moments, I remember the overall experience fondly, even if I was reckless.

I like tarot as a reflective tool. I never rule out there may be some metaphysical basis for it based off of spreads such as this one that appear more than apt, but generally see it as a symbolic tool. For any spread I can always find one or more things that it can be applied to. I never rule out confirmation bias nor statistics when assessing and interpreting a spread. But some do hit heavy, hard, and deep.

There's definitely a lot going on with respect to intuition and the unconscious I find when doing readings for myself or for others.

One love

He sounds like a real narcissist/sociopath and trash human. He has his own trauma, but he chose to not seek therapy and chose to destroy his son's self esteem. I don't think it's necessary to come to a place of forgiveness until you process the impact and how f'd up that is. And it's ok to come to the conclusion that you just don't like someone. Glad you've started to process this! You definitely deserve attention and recognition, and I hope you come to the place where you enjoy it.

He is unfortunately a product of his environment. As a man born in the late 50s, such notions as going to therapy was never a consideration for him, especially as a black man (there's a lot stigma against mental health in black communities). He had certain ideals in his head as well that fathers are always to blame, so when a mentor of mine in high school recommended that I get some therapy (because I was very and visibly depressed throughout my teens) he told my mother no because everything would just get blamed on him (which highlights your narcissism observation).

There have been some that speculated he was jealous of me since I was very young. Pretty sad if that's so.

But I think that you're right about when I can forgive. I would like to more for myself than for him. However, I still struggle to admit to the severity of my trauma. I'm so used to diminishing my own experience.

But as always, thank you for your kindness and understanding

One love