INTRODUCTION

This is a tale of woe and also of warning. It is a story of massive personal failure to a life ruining degree. It involves hospitalization and serious mental illness. It involves yours truly, long-term Nexus user, jungleheart. The ending doesn't come to a full resolution either, but hope and resilience are ultimately victorious.

If reading about descriptions of psych wards, mentally ill delusions or sexual harassment are disturbing to you, please stop reading now.

Let me set the scene by saying I tripped compulsively in my teens and early 20s and was already pretty clued in. I had already found the Nexus at 21 and had spent years tripping and being active by this time, mainly on the chat. Had already tried extracting. (I'm in my mid-30s now, by the way).

So I was 25 and I was stuck in a dead end job. I was applying for two years and no one would hire me. I know at this time the right course of action would have been to get into non-profit work, my personality is suited for it and they would have appreciated me. At the time, I dismissed that idea and decided to move in with my parents to save money and do an MBA.

This was the worst decision of my life. Doing so literally has decimated my life since 2017, when I first started the program. I have been picking up the pieces since approximately 2019. The events that transpired are the focus of this story.

THE WRONG VALUES SET IN

A few things happened in short succession:
- I got a new job at a fast paced tech firm
- My performance at work and school was suffering due to burnout
- I got my doctor to prescribe me Adderall
- I got the energy to turn my performance around and got elected class President

I started kicking ass, but a nightmare was coming. Because of the Adderall, my circadian rhythm got out of sync. I would double dose and stay up all night. Of course, the MBA was soulless. I got sucked into the focus on profits and enamored by the high status of some of my classmates. I was turning to the dark side.

I made the pursuit of status, wealth and power my life's goals, rather than spiritual pursuit.

This is the part I'm ashamed to admit. I began flirting with my company's CTO thinking it would help get me a promotion. I got a number of decent people fired by pointing out their errors to management.

All the while, I was completely obliterating myself with 4-AcO-DMT. If you want to ruin your life, trip while on Adderall and obsessing about status, wealth and power. I may as well have been performing a satanic ritual to trade away my soul.

THE IMPACT OF THE WRONG VALUES

The next years of my life have had a lot of darkness. There were two periods of hospitalization, six months unable to work, job loss, and at least two years on and off thinking I was communicating with angels and demons.

Throughout 2018 I slowly felt myself becoming "psychic". Only to begin "psychically communicating" with people at work, including the CTO. Over the course of the year I began to believe we fell in love. It was eventually revealed to me that he was a demon and it was on me to save the world. Typical schizophrenic stuff.

I grew impatient of waiting for the CTO to leave his wife for me. The reality was that there was a flirtation going on. I would find reasons to visit his desk area to give him a big smile and talk to him. He would come to my area to check me out and make eyes at me. This went on for months and it confirmed my delusions. I started really having trouble keeping it together.

Knowing that it would end in self-destruction, I started texting him sexual things to try to get him to take action. We had a sit down with HR in which he informed me he was happily married and it was decided I should take two weeks to try to gather myself.

I knew something was off, and thinking it was HPPD, I picked up a low dose of Seroquel, an antipsychotic. But it wasn't close to enough.

After those two weeks I returned to work and kept my head down but things didn't let up. Within a few weeks, towards the end of 2018, I drove myself to urgent care thinking I had been poisoned. They held me for a month. I spent the holidays in the hospital.

Many traumatizing delusions from this time. This forum is not the place to go into great depth about what I believed, but they included thinking I was communicating with Illuminati demons who controlled society. I watched them steal people's souls and put them in glass bottles. The dimmed spark meant that people who have no choice but to turn to mental illness, drug addiction, prostitution or all of the above. I thought this was happening me to me. I thought I would never work again.

Chock-full of antipsychotics the delusions stopped and I was released. I was on medical leave for another 5 months while they titrated various medications up and down.

Within a few months of returning to work, they let me go saying I was too junior for any upcoming projects and they didn't want to train me for another role.

It was after leaving that toxic company that I was able to start to heal.

THE AFTERMATH

I wish I could say it was all upwards from there, but it wasn't. There were steps forward and steps back. After 6 months I found a good low-stress research position that lasted through the pandemic. But they misdiagnosed me as bipolar so the medication I was on wasn't strong enough and I had another episode that lasted six months. I spent my 34th birthday in the hospital.

They updated my diagnosis to schizoaffective, which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar. It seems like a death sentence.

It's a struggle to find forgiveness of myself for all of this. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trip again. I tried tripping again last year and it triggered never ending hallucinations that required increasing my medication.

The medication I'm on has serious consequences. It's like a blunt object that dims both dopamine and serotonin, so although my personality is the same I have less range of emotions and it has other impacts like less chemical rewards for achieving goals. I'm also at risk for tardive dyskinesia, which I've had before but thankfully went away. TD caused uncontrollable mouth movements that can morph into permanent facial ticks and limb stiffness.

I've spared you a lot of stories and the endless doctors visits and constantly adjusting medication. I'm on 10 medications right now, half of them to manage the side effects of the other ones, and I'm addicted to sleeping medication.

I'm lucky I could live with my parents during all this or I could have easily ended up homeless. I'm also lucky I never had an aversion to seeing doctors or taking medication as some with mental illness do.

CONCLUSION

I could try to put a positive spin on all this but I don't want to. I feel that posting this is the next step to making amends and maybe getting my life back.

Things are looking up but I'm in rough shape right now.

Something to note is that over the course of this time I manifested a number of toxic situations that have been difficult or near impossible to get out of. I have an MBA but now I have a high-stress job and I'm stuck living with my parents which has a negative impact on my mental health, when I am just struggling to be stable.

There is nothing I wouldn't give up to be able to do it again differently. Nothing is worth completely destroying your mental health. If I'm never able to trip again, it may literally be the biggest tragedy of my life.

As I am writing, I feel a sense of peace come over me now because I think the worst is behind me. In the past five years I discovered my love of non-profit work and had an idea of my own that I am working on.

I am thankful that despite laying waste to my life the past five years that something positive is sustained.

Despite my upbringing, environment, and lack of spiritual direction propelling me through an existential woodchipper, I am coming out of the other side a better and more resilient person.

It is my hope that by atoning and sharing my story, building good karma, and removing toxic situations from my life that I might be able to get off medication and trip again one day.

Throughout all this, the lessons that have come from the depth of my psyche, which I am sharing with you, and upon which I will rebuild my life:

I'm so sorry that you went through that. I've had a few psychosis type experiences by combining cannabis on the comeup of large doses that landed me into some trouble back in the day. I can't imagine it happening spontaneously, when not taking psychedelics. I'm glad to hear things are finally looking up for you though and I hope you come out the other side even stronger than you already are. We are all rooting for you JH!

That was some post, and a good read. Whatever troubles you've been through you sound delusion-free to me and I'm glad you can see a light at the end of your tunnel. Getting the meds and doses right is incredibly tricky but you seem to be in a good place now.

jungleheart,

Thank you for sharing this profoundly insightful and very well written post. I don't think there is much else to be said as you were very thorough.

I am very sorry it has been such a rough journey to get to this current place. I do hope things keep improving and that you are able to find the inner peace and happiness you seek.

Thanks for sharing... Interesting to hear the full story...

Seeing your more in chat, I feel it's immensely impressive how far you've come despite what's happened...

You've managed to pull your own version of a life together and stay active while finding happiness in the things you do... It's clear you've over-come it far beyond what many people do...

I believe you have a strong unbreakable relentless spirit and will ultimately progress towards better and better mental and emotional health... if by nothing more than sheer determination...

Thank you for sharing your story. That's quite a journey!

It sounds like you've gained a lot of insight into who you are and what you want through all this, and you've demonstrated incredible resilience in bouncing back from those experiences.

You are on a good path. Every day you are growing and healing, and I have no doubt you will continue to improve and find ways to commune with the sacred, whether that looks like medicine work or any of a thousand other paths (meditation, dance, yoga, art, music, etc.)

You are a very strong person and you're gonna be just fine.

jungleheart,

I wanted to say a few more things outside of my other comment after thinking this over all night. I'm not sure I will say it well and I am not trying to be patronizing so if there's any vibe of that please allow me to apologize in advance.

You are astonishingly brave to share this material. It is difficult to admit one has these kinds of problems in cultures that still put a lot of stigma on mental health issues.

I have NOT shared a large amount of toxic, horrific and traumatic material, in fact have shown folks only maybe 40 to 45% of my current truth. I do understand there is a chance you are the same way and would give you a hug if I could.

I want to say that I am on the other side of things, other than the inevitable death of my husband coming up. I have not been able to process all of the trauma but some of it has worked through. Being on the other side lends an interesting sort of perspective.

The perspective is one of real growth. And growth that was achieved through pain, through walking on the coals and watching/feeling our feet burn to black crisps.

But, I think the analogy of the Phoemix might be appropriate here. When I healed a bit and peeled off the black crispy stuff I found both thick scars and a new, glowing skin underneath. This psychic skin was thick but vibrant.

My new perspective involves trying to lean into the breaking moment of experience, the current breath as well as gratitude in general. This perspective is driven by both a cynical knowledge of the past and a profound and deeply felt realization that no matter how angry or sad I am nothing will change in the past, the present and probably not the future. Therefore why angst about the past or worry about the future? Why not just attend to the real joy or suffering of this very moment? I have varying degrees of success.

Related to or perhaps as an offshoot of this I have devoted my life to service. My job is every day of the year and helps animals, I mostly support and care for my husband and completely support my brother. I work a lot and do everything at home. When I make any extra money beyond what we need I immediately give it away or donate it to others or causes that have immediate need.

I am telling you all this ME stuff because I feel like I see you heading in a similar direction and what I really admire is I think you are going to achieve it a decade or two before I did. . Now that is REALLY doing the WORK right there.


Those who haven't walked through the fire and been burned to a crisp will NEVER understand this. If they get to a similar place of healing, high functionality and being able to deal with endless shit as it rolls our way it will be at least partially faked I suspect.

If horrible things A, B and C had not happened to me at times X, Y and Z I would NOT be the person I am today. I probably would not even be alive to be honest.

The price paid is high no doubt, but the growth returns if you make it out the other side are unfathomable.

I believe in you and your power. Your power of honesty. Your power of insight. Your power to consciously want to change. Your power to grow. I hope I will be around long enough to witness what is to come in both the short and long term.

It may not get expressed very well but this community loves and cherishes you. You are part of both the beating heart and vibrant soul with a dedication that exceeds almost all others.

I believe given enough time that you can and will do anything you set your mind to.

Thanks for sharing jungleheart. I don't really have much to say but want to wish you well on your journey. I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed, and I know you will continue to grow and overcome.

Hi, I´m glad you are better now.

I would recommend you alternatives therapies such as "spirit releasement" (maybe find an hypnotherapist) or a shaman that knows how to do "soul retrieval" work.

I am the type that has experienced this dark entities, demons or dark aliens, also spirits of dead people (most of the times family members). I think they diagnose schyzofrenic anyone who does have some contact with this entities and has no idea how to deal with it.

There are metaphysical rules, spirit protection practices you can do, ways to protect yourself and also, MOST IMPORTANT, to cancel (burn) any contract or link you might have with this entities. Probably something silly you did and you didn´t know it could have consequences.

Peace and blessings to you

Thank you being open Jungleheart

You have been through a lot!

Go easy on your self. It is the destiny of every person to go through total identification with form (things, thoughts, feelings) and to eventually experience a great deal of suffering because of it. Some for whatever reason (karma, past lives, collective unconsciousness? Idk, no one does) identify with these forms with great intensity and the negative energy of them (each thought is its own entity with its own agenda) completely take you over.

I have experienced the beginnings of very delusional thinking and like you it was from using amphetamines, I was fortunate enough to have a family that helped guide me out of the beginning stages of what you have experienced. I think I was also lucky to do it without any medication, by removing any dopamine reinforcing substance and behaviour from my life and practicing gratitude and constant mindfulness. The latter part of that I find a constant daily challenge and many times throughout the day I drift off in thought and leave this moment.

One thing that has helped me is being grateful for my worst thoughts, regrets, demons or whatever you want to call them. For more often than not those parts of my story are the ones that I see clearly in my mind and the moment I see them they no longer take me over. In that moment there is a little breath of fresh air. In this way the worst parts of my past now serve to reinforce my consciousness by shining a light on the story. I am the light! And I’m grateful for the bad things as they are reminders of what I am not.


You’re not broken, there is nothing wrong with you and you will come back to now with practice. You will also one by one wean yourself off of the medication and then over the years your body and brain will adjust to living a new. You are evolving fast which is chaotic but make no mistake, You are
the light!! 🥰

A beautiful and elegantly vulnerable share.



The more resilient we get, the better we manage adversity, right? Perhaps that's the silver-lining of all of this. You went through a gripping and terrifying maelstrom, only to come out of the storm to see greener pastures and a vibrant blue sky in the distance. There's always a spin to the other side that we can make in our perspectives, right?

It's my fervent hope that you are able to trip again. Perhaps you just need a brief time chopping wood and carrying water doing what you've mentioned above, as well as being good to yourself, despite all this. Forgive yourself, you learned and changed, so you've earned at least that much.

Thank you again for sharing, JH

One love

This.

But also...your sanity is more important than anything. Don't take any risks that aren't worth it. Psychedelics are great, but the price of another psychotic break is just too high.

Maybe one day, you will be able to handle a psychedelic again. But it's better not to think about that right now, because it's not where your focus should be at this moment.
Getting yourself together and learning to enjoy life, without the use of psychedelics, is the thing.

Psychedelics can only contribute to what's already there. Not replace anything missing.

Just seeing this now.

I appreciate your bravery in sharing all of this, Jungleheart, and I'm truly sorry you've had to go through so much for so long. I've known you for a minute now, and throughout ups and downs I've always seen you as smart, creative, caring and empathetic.

I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

Hi, hearing your experience, I think you are unfortunate and lucky at the same time.

I'm also bipolar disorder, but I don't think it's a defect or a disease, on the contrary, it makes people sensitive and you need to take on something extra. (Using drugs to improve what I think is completely nonsense, the problem is psychological, and the bell must be tied to the bell person)

I wish you all the best

Hi Pandora,

Glad to hear you are on the other side, and that the outcome is growth and progression. I have come to like and be attracted to people with real scars much more than others. I like people who have been tested at a deep level, who go through something which really destroys their life, and they manage to make something positive of it. It's sick and twisted in a way, but it's the only way to approach life. If someone lost an arm in and had a great attitude about it, I would rather spend time with them than someone with an arm.

I have managed to come out better than before, but I still feel I must be transparent about my shortcomings. For a while I wouldn't have said I would take it back. But really reflecting on the last 5 years there's no other way to look at it.

I always really like your insights about attending to the joy and suffering in the current moment, as that is how the wise cat lives. It's hard to stay focused sometimes, so I appreciate the reminder.

The dedication to service is something that's happening to me, but I'm examining every other area of my life as well. It's scary. As I said there are a lot of toxic situations, and I need to end up in a different place a year from now than I am now or that could really spell bad news for the rest of my life. I would be willing to walk away from all of it. I guess I'm having an early mid-life crisis, which is manifesting in different ways - as I have lamented in the chat.

If I was planning my life, I guess I would choose to get the meaty layers to go through a crispy burn, so I had the full experience.

Your post gives me confidence there will be moar growth, which I am hopeful and nervously anticipating, and really need to happen. I appreciate the peptalk and warcry.

Love you as my chosen family

I have no doubt in my mind that expelling such a vulnerable tale about your life helped to lift a great weight off of your shoulders. It feels really, really good to purge thoughts that circle around in your head through great humility.

Sounds like you've made calculated, conscious decisions to climb your way out of a cocktail of missteps and that's all that is important. Some people find themselves in a dark place and don't even bother to light a match, let alone find a flashlight and 2 batteries like you have.

I'd like to empathize with you if at all possible. My life has been a roller coaster, and at times I didn't think I would fix my life. Last time I hit rock bottom I could see the hot magma, and I never want to go back there again.

Life seems short, but it's not, we're both in our mid 30's and have so much time to course correct! Through your hard work and determination I believe you WILL be able to get off of those meds and trip again. Just take it very, very slow and don't punish yourself. It's all about baby steps.

I've never been on that much medication, so I can't empathize completely as I couldn't possibly imagine the head space you were in. I do know, that I made a series of decisions that nearly permanently ruined my life forever, and a lot of the consequences form those actions will never be undone. Still, I was able to salvage what I could and I like to think I have a pretty darn good situation now.

All in all, I'm a walking advertisement for not giving up, and that it's 100 percent possible to pick up the pieces.

I love you JH and thank you so much for sharing. See you in chat.