Im creating this post as a result from my last, rather challenging trip on dmt.
Input appreciated.

A couple months ago i went back to using psychedelics for my personal growth and it already showed me alot of things, where i can improve, what path i should take to achieve my goals, how my old job and course in life was not correct for myself and so on.

For most of my life i have been working with social anxiety, especially in groups. In small groups with well known people around it almost never was a problem but when working with alot of strangers and opening up to them, like at a festival/party was REALLY and still IS super problematic for me. This dates back to the age of 9. Im very sensitive to this artillery fire of emotions and it alienates me from everyone... which in the past caused me some unpleasant situations, especially when combined with the use of serotonergic substances.

This should do for a quick explanation of my baseline.

I've done alot of progression already, but yesterdays trip really shook something up within myself that i wasn't really aware of for a long time, atleast not in experiencing this negativity within in this clarity and intensity.
Yesterday i smoalked 12mg of DMT on my e-mesh near perfectly inhaled, which was my highest dose so far. I went into wonderful sceneries but different to other trips there were some negative feelings revolving inside the geometries. I've seen distorted faces and alot of cried death to me. So as i was experiencing this i felt as i was being grounded as i came down, i also had alot of body presence in this trip which isn't so normal for me. It then became darker and darker and the trip got unpleasant quick.

At the end of the ride i got confronted by some masculine voice, who basically told me "You dont get it, get out!", which made me really angry. Like what? There was no action to be taken too i just had to witness this whole ordeal. I was dumbfounded for quite some time and it made me think. Alot.
This was my first challenging trip on DMT so far.

So, i do believe this experience showed me some fear of mine. I know this feeling of rejection quite well, the feeling of conciously perceiving a special kind of group where you are being purposefully being held outside. It reminded me of 2 bad trips on acid i had on parties, this psychotic kind of turn you get when you resist. This is 7 years in the past. (This is whole nother story, but basically it was the first time my eyes opened on a party)

So that is a big chunk to integrate. Getting along with strangers and indulging myself in this beautiful feeling without fear and resistance has been a goal for me for quite some time. There really is a big drawing power within myself. I do know this, but im approaching this safely to not get my ass kicked again, as im still socially underdeveloped. I dislike small talk n such, i just really didn't give a f*** to connect with others in my life. Most people bore me and im busy with my topics and like to talk about big ideas. I had a couple close friends and that was it. Doesn't take me long to find people that fit to me, but i would still say im lacking experience alot. Lots of anxiety when speaking to strangers, god forbid talking to women!
(Had a couple relationships with women just to clarify)

As this is clearing up and i could know whats up again things have changed. From the depressive episode from yesterday to the challenging DMT toke to today i feel, different. Not different but, despite really working with the memory this morning i had a great day.

Words rolled of my tongue when speaking to customers online and with colleagues. I felt it was ok to just talk. I felt very present and whole. I sensed that people like talking to me. I'm not quite sure what exactly happened to myself during this trip. Maybe exactly this fear got released by it presenting to myself? I'm not sure.

I wan't to use this thread to gather alot of integration steps towards my big goal to being an independent social being. Maybe you like to listen to my rambling, maybe you can give me some advice, just do whatever you want with my words.

I recommend looking up sensory processing sensitivity.

Socially, it may always be that way. Not everyone is on the same "level," but you can learn to manage and be with it to a point where it's less bothersome. Looking inward snd finding acceptance and confidence in who you are will also help you better present yourself to others. You'll be that much more detached from how you feel about your own internal feelings and monologs. A lot of what we think of ourselves and how we feel isn't necessarily true.

Sorry to be short. Gotta go back to pulling leaves off cannabis.

One love

Sounds like an opportunity to face your fear and you didn't crumble. Maybe you have overcome it.

bIRD_,

Thank you for sharing this.

Man I think I've said it to you before but I'll go again - you are seriously fast tracking your work. You are accomplishing in months what it takes others years if not decades of expensive therapy sessions to do.

You implied you were more interested in discussing social anxiety solutions rather than integration but I think they might go hand in hand to be honest. Your self analyses seemed very sharp and insightful to me.

I love that you had an easy follow up day in particular in dealing with customers... I think some of the work may be happening at levels that are not fully accessible with the conscious, sober mind.

I understand your lack of desire to interact with the fake, radically filtered, under educated plastic people that are the great majority. But all people deserve our empathy (I got the message that you have had so much empathy that it has been overwhelming at times.) and attempt at understanding. Beyond that, I would say keep your senses open for the gems. They are out there. It may take time to meet them. If you could somehow find a psychedelic discussion group or maybe small festival where you would be comfortable enough to attend that might be a decent start.

In the interim, you have us. Please don't doubt the depth of our love and respect for you. You are an integral found family member. Your voice matters. A lot.

You are working towards a goal with a powerful mind medicine. Your agenda and intentions have been clear and I suspect the DMT itself knows this now. It is working on you on multiple levels, not all of them conscious is another way of putting it.

This is excellent news.

Regarding the awakening of your DMT fear. I think I'm safe in saying it happens to just about everyone who works in an ongoing manner with the molecule. It encourages us to let go of control, which is very difficult. Yet very rewarding.

Perhaps the fear will give you some time to integrate and start to exercise some new skills to get you into the social milieu you seek.

Great reminder, i thought about this before but forgot about it a bit. I sure feel that way.



It could be. When similar things happened in real life i got sad and intimidated and turned away. During this trip it was more like: you dont even know me! As i know there is no reason to reject me... Oh wow.



Indeed, a therapist once told me i have some "antennas" for these quiet little details, which of course in a chaotic setting can become overwhelming quick. Especially if i want to participate





Most definitely. Im not hearing the call and i feel i should work / integrate on what ive been shown. I also experience alot of weirdness when coming down from dmt that feels unpleasant, maybe thats also a connectec underlying issue.

So i recently talked with a good friend about this whole ordeal, my trip, how i reflected upon that and how i feel after it.

When i met him i was interestingly enough more open than im used to. We quickly picked up conversation topics. When i told him what happened we had a really great conversation.
When it came to the topic of being excluded he instinctly knew what i was talking about and he told me that he had this feeling before aswell. Its just talking about it with other people that gets you off such thoughts.

The talk had way more detail but the gist of it was that im not alone with my feelings. I felt understood. I felt understood and this may be really what im lacking.

We had a great evening, we talked and talked and it was hard to go as every time a new topic broke loose. We conversed on a really pleasant layer.

I really grew from this day. This trip now feels pretty nicely integrated and im surely if thoughts like this come up again ill be ready!