i just noticed that this was my 1,000th post here on the nexus and decided to make it something good. something that could help others. something poignant.

i want to tell you all where i'm at after all the work i've done. the good, the bad, the challenging...

THE GOOD:

i have never seen so clearly exactly how i am a part of everything. i have always been an exceedingly sensitive individual and, although i come off as gregarious in my work and cycling community, the truth is that i am that guy who needs to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes or so at a party just to "decompress". i spend a great deal of time alone not out of anti-social tendencies, but because i FEEL too much and it has always been a challenge to be in this world. this is the truth....a truth i don't talk about much.

working with psychedelics for me has always been about a quest to find a sense of peace within. it was always my greatest dream that in awakening to something greater than myself, the focus within me would shift away from all that i was NOT and onto how i was an integral part of something that lacked nothing. to recognize my god nature that enabled me to truly surrender my constant need to want.

DMT has helped with this tremendously.... through consistent surrendering of a delusional sense of self, i have gradually taken an already acute self-awareness to the next level: the integration of this highest me into the world. i would like to paint the picture that this is pure bliss and joy, but in truth it has been one of the hardest things i've ever undertaken. waking up and having any semblence of familiarity with GOD,ONENESS,UNKNOWINGNESS,THE UNIVERSE puts a soul into a very unretractable state of momentum.

which brings us to...

THE BAD:

when you become aware of a higher self and a higher way of living, you are immediately bitch-slapped with exactly how much you are NOT living in accordance with them. my life since i began working with DMT has been a true test of psychological mettle in terms of accepting where i am at and how that is quite far from where i need to be. possessions, priorities, things that i have "known" my whole life purely out of rote exposure and repetition that in no way serve my highest self....it is humbling to recognize our limitations we have kenneled ourselves with and to have compassion for a life we once took as "the right path". my "right path" was, like many, born of ego and acquisition. of accomplishment and status. none of these things matter. in truth, the things that i KNOW in my heart matter to me are very much NOT a part of the life i currently live and this is a "bad news realization" to say the least.

i do not live in a natural environment. i live in a city. i am not surrounded by a righteous community of conscious individuals (aside from this community that is only as tangible as the keyboard i'm typing on). i am not free in every moment to live an organic, spontaneous existence fueled solely by the passion to be whole within myself.... none of these things were present up til now either, but until i began working steadily with DMT i didn't seem to mind.

now, i mind very much. and that, my brothers and sisters, brings us to:

THE CHALLENGING:

when you are in the presence of the infinite, firing off rockets of desire, it is important to be mindful of the cables that are attached from their nose-cones to the belt around your waist. dreams....the truest, most soul-felt dreams hurtle forth into the cradle of existence, pulling you along with no option of changing course. on superficial assessment this would seem like a glorious evolutionary geshtalt, but that would be the case only if you are ready to change your life here at the same velocity.

most are not.

i am like most.

sell everything and start a new life at the age of 39? surrender everything in this density that seemingly "worked" for me for so long in the name of a possibly greater happiness....or....? i may be damn-near fearless in my ability to be free of this self in hyperspace, but ensconced securely in this body back in the here and now i have my chickenshit moments like everyone else. i'm not the buddha... not by a long shot...

so the work....the work of all work...is upon me now. my ability to understand DMT has reached new and jaw-dropping capacity but at this point i seem to be limited by my willingness to make equally exponential strides in THIS world. i am doing this....it's just excruciatingly hard to acknowledge that nearly everything that mattered to you simply does not anymore. change is unemotional. it is we who add the meaning and emotions to it. my breakthroughs have been extremely emotionless for some time now. pure information flows through me in the depths of hyperspace's classrooms. anger, fear, love, joy.....they are human constructs. ways for us to justify behaviors.

in the final analysis, however, there is only information. DMT is an opportunity to turn on light switches within ourselves. to remember all the information that is already stored within us. our brains are simply receivers....converting streams of information into electrical current to be distributed as instructions to operate this body suit we operate. we can receive ANY transmission if we can just flip on enough switches in our brains...

i was watching a special on the BBC that talked about the massive amount of neurons in the human brain. in it, the scientist being interviewed said that for every THING that you can think of, there is a specific neuron in your brain for it. as in, you have a brittany spears neuron. you have a cinammon neuron. you have a frisbee neuron, etc....

this really made me think about DMT and what it is potentially doing when we work with it. with all of the images, thoughts, sights, data that is being streamed through you during such profound communions with the spirit molecule, how many neurons, previously floating around asleep or "blank" are then "turned on" or "imprinted"? and once they are, there are for good. you are literally expanding your mental data base. you are becoming "aware" of much more than what your tiny little lifetime's worth of experiences has supplied you with. like the internet, growing with more and more data every minute...so too are our minds as we continue to expose them to the collective consciousness of all existence.

DMT is a commitment. it is in no way recreational or "fun n games". to truly work with DMT is to truly make a commitment to making a shift in your perception of life. for good. this will undoubtedly bring about a point of life-assessment that is not easy for anyone. this is where i am with my work now. like a warrior...continually battling the illusion that tries so relentlessly to lull me back to sleep...this is the battle the buddha said everyone is fighting. the battle to awaken and to stay awake.

1,000 posts. 1,000 times i have tried to come to peace with having had an exposure to the very face of all things at once.

after 1,000 attempts, my "peace" has come through recognizing MY face in that infinite crowd...

WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE,

antrocles

Antocles

Thanks from the heart for this one; there's a great clarity in your writing. I find myself saying, "yup - that's it exactly" a lot when I read your posts... You've been an immense support here on the nexus, certainly for me.

Love and gratitude to you!!

antrocles,

Thank you for this post. Your honesty and insight are inspirational.

It's kind of like we are all asail on the same strange seas, but you have gone so much further. I can still see the shoreline and it has a powerful influence to bring me back (to being completely complacent/asleep).

I have been wondering if the work is worth the energy investment. I continue to slowly loose weight and I cannot seem to gain weight. I am not ill. I have done this to myself. Constantly working to calm the mind, face one's fears and deal with the ultimate truth about oneself and one's nature month after month is draining in multiple ways, including like a massive physical workout.

There's a reason why we call it work. You explained it beautifully. Would that I had your strength to explore and sail the more distant seas . . .

Peace & Love,
Pandora

...then the crowd did roar, through out all of the hyperspacial realms, as all did rise and cheer for the good sir...

Antrocles

here's to many a thousand more and a many a thousand more "thanks you"'s. You're a constant testiment to the fact that what we're doing here is right.

Thank you.

That was very inspirational! Thank you ant, I'll not doubt be reading over this a few times.

Can't wait to catch up in December

Antrocles, I learn from every one of your posts.

You continue to inspire and amaze me antrocles! The honesty and clarity in your writing is truly a joy and the knowledge you let flow through is a testament to the transforming powers dmt

much peace, love, and gratitude to ya

That was one of the best posts I ever read in my time here in cyberspace.

ant you really have a gift for conveying the psychedelic experience with words, inspirational and thought provoking as ever.

You usually always inspire, and it seems youve done it again! Heres to another 1000

Ant brother... You resonate in tune with the warmest harmonic of the carrier wave. Thank you for sharing so much.

...and if ever you do choose a new route, friend, consider writing because your words are born of talent and creativity. You have the most beautiful way of putting these seemingly inexpressible feelings and insights into words for all of us here to enjoy and relate to. Often times I don't even have to try, Antrocles has already done it.

I read your posts with great fervour and lap them up with excitement and enjoyment.

Bravo to you Antrocles, warrior of the light and all that is good :-)

May you go on to become the successful being that you seek yourself to be.

Peace and Love.

I always feel great honor to read open honest no-bullshit posts like this. They are few and far-between on this vast internet.

I am not too great with words so I'll just leave it at that.

Peace and Love.

w00t, I just thought I should put a note here to celebrate my 1000th post too. I always try not to double-post and If I have to reply to two people I quote them and reply using the same post, so, my 1000 posts do actually count for something