There's been some big talk on my part about depression, difficulty getting myself into hyperspace (which I still find shocking considering my history), blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada... But I seem to be forcing and allowing big changes to happen. This week was laden with transformation.

I lost my way with psychedelics. So much so that for a while now I've even had a hard time with the allowing myself the visual aspects of DMT (or any other psychedelic really). Navigating got hard, surrendering got hard... but, fortunately I'm stubborn, so am still here and at it. The difficulty shifted this week when I decided to go for it with 10-12mg (which for me at this time in my life and psychedelic career, can be very heavy for the dose size).

I'll try to keep this somewhat short... but we've seen what happens when I make such a statement

There are a few mitigating factors that I feel are appropriate to mention as they may have influenced some of this positive and therapeutic, and felt to be long overdue, growth.
-Starting squatting heavy again everyday (today was day 41).
-Started taking a testosterone support supplement which has appeared to be very beneficial for my mental health (including confidence) and energy.
-Started taking cold showers.
-Still working on giving a **** less, (while still practicing kindness of course).
-Overall attempts and work at changing thinking and thought patterns.

I was in a little bit of a funk on Wednesday and ended up having a conversation with a dear friend of mine (one of my best) about some aspects of said funk. It came up that a pre-planned blast off that was days away was causing some anxiety. He said, “Cut the line. Do it today.” That got me thinking, and our conversation continued. We discussed my low confidence, and I brought up how in the past couple weeks I've actively been trying to find and cultivate inner faith (because I tend to have little to none). That brought up difficulty accepting and “letting in” positive sentiments. These parts of the conversation became somewhat transformative to me in this state of better clarity. I told him that perhaps I should ride the pedestals I feel some sentiments put me on and just see what happens... he expanded on this with a wonderful analogy, saying that I am riding the unicycle. So the symbol as it stands now: a unicycle with a tall flat seat, and a sillouetted figure, with arms spread, leaning backwards towards the edge. Why? The unicycle necessitates balance, so is a symbol for balance. The height of the seat a symbol for the “height” I feel others' sometimes bring me to (yes yes yes I am aware it's because of being unable to see good in myself). The figure leaning back to represent that anyone can be brought down to size if they start slipping, and furthermore, to represent the tremendous amount of work I am fully aware that I still need to do, no matter how highly someone may think of me...

This was actually tested during the week. I was requested to help guide a tandem ketamine journey with a parent and adult child 2-day intensive this week. The mother had never had a psychedelic experience, and so I gravitated to them intuitively to be their support. They spoke very highly of me, which usually throws me for a loop internally, but I instead allowed to be a symbol of something good I was able to do for someone else despite what they make what they say mean. They felt that I helped and supported them so much in their experience and in helping them integrate and understand it that I was gifted a special item. This item is essentially a symbol not only for that work and that connection but the change that I'm going through at this time.

Now, for what I really wanted to get to; DMT

My vaping crucible always stays loaded. The day that I was having my productive conversation with my friend, I was really fatigued. I tend to avoid psychedelics when I'm too tire as my “set” isn't always the most conducive to the experience and when tired it can be hared to steel myself in the hard moments that may or may not occur. But I was uncharacteristically determined. I had spent the better portion of the day keeping some very specific ideas in mind in preparation for my journey; things that I've been trying to tell myself for a while, but not in this way and not at a time where it could really sink in.
-Transcend fear: In some ways I don't really know what I'm scared of, but I'm afraid nonetheless. It's just part of the experience. Moving into this experience, allowing the fear and anxiety to be there is a way in which to work towards transcending them (which does not mean that they are not experienced).

-Further understanding of letting go: I find that when some mood or emotion or set of such is felt, they cling on to one's being, but at the same time one clings back, though inadvertently. By wanting such and such mood or feeling to go away etc, we hold on to it. But letting go means not allowing it to rule one; to not be a slave to it. We can let go from our own end, and while such moods and feelings may still be extant, they have far less power because they connection is half as strong (if even that much).

-No need for a “good” reason: This on really bugged me for a while, trying to find a reason that was as elevated and special in my mind as DMT is to me. What matters is the approach and the manner, not the reason. In the words of Cartman, “I do what I want.”

-Inner faith: Having avoided things like this for a long time, being pretty destructive internally, I've so far come to understand that... this mess is hard. However, it seems that faith in myself to say, be able to do x, doesn't mean that I know or feel that I definitely will be able to do x, but is more concerned with if I feel I have the capacity to do x. This type of work as well as just getting myself into hyperspace are also exercises of will-power (which I don't recognize in myself well; example: I may feel that I don't have much will-power or inner faith, but I am noticing that overall that is laughable. I weigh 140lbs (63.5kg), but I can deadlift 405lbs (183.7kg) for a set of 3 and can low-bar squat 315lbs (142.8kg)... it seems silly for me to say that I don't have will-power or inner faith if I can bring myself to lift such weight (granted, one of the main reasons I lift like this is catharsis). It has to take determination, focus, and will-power, and from that I really should derive more inner faith. So it may be more accurate to say that there are times such qualities I am blind to, that they are unrecognized and/or unrealized). Also, the worry about “if I can handle it” is laughable as well... I keep coming back so obviously I'm handling it well enough.
I've earned my faith in myself...

Feel free to have a giggle at my expense. It's appropriate

After opening the space, speaking the invocation, and meditating in silence focusing on breath, I grabbed my mod with loaded crucible. Mentally repeating, as usual, “commit” and surrender” I began preheating the mod to melt the spice. Then repeating “commit” more than “surrender,” I began to inhale, repeatedly refiring the mod to keep the highest temps for the longest period of time, and getting the whole hit in one draw. I set down the mod and closed my eyes.

I can't tell you what I saw, it's gotten real otherworldly as of late, which I suppose influences trepidation, but I can tell you it was pretty damn awesome. And therapeutic too.

I vividly remember feeling fear after already in the space and I gently told myself “let it go,” at which point it immediately subsided.

Towards the end things got really interesting. Something got me into wiggling my tongue, which then led to deep guttural noises, which were then accompanied by body shakes and discharges, followed by ecstatic movement, and culminating in what I can describe as an alien language emanating from my mouth.

Overall, it was really good, and it feels good to be moving towards where I want to be and being fully aware that everything I've been through up to this point, including the moments in which I felt I was just spinning my wheels, was necessary.

Now for me to allow myself greater frequency with greater depth. A step at a time.

Part of me wrote this in the hopes that I can carry what I've learned with me in a better way. Part of me wrote to say thank you to everyone that has supported me, built me up, and put up with me

Thanks for reading.

One love

I can relate to a lot of what you've been going through. When i was struggling with depressions i had this hope of one day being freed from it, cured. But during that process of recovery, i learned that this is just a too much black&white type of thinking.

We are what we do, and the things that we have done before determine what we are today.

Your powerlifting is a fitting analogy: you are physically strong if you can lift a certain amount of weight, and the weights that you have been lifting before is what determines how much you can lift today.
You aren't from one moment to the next from a weak person a strong person all of a sudden.
You become strong by determination. By continuing a certain pathway.

The same is true for depression and self realisation: it is a continuing struggle. There may come a day when you can say that you are no longer suffering from it, but if you'd stop working on it, you'll slide right back into it. Just like when you stop exercising, you'll no longer be able to lift that weight or run that distance. But the struggle becomes easier in time.

You can be a brave man today, but if you'll stop facing your fears and demons, you won't be tomorrow. And the other way round. You may also be a coward today, but you could be a brave person tomorrow.

The work is never done. But that is good, because that means we can become almost anything we want to. Life is a struggle, and that struggle eventually is what makes us who we are.

With DMT and other psychedelics it is much like that as well. It is a continuing challenge where we have to overcome certain fears and resistances. The lesson is never over.
But that is what makes it real.
It is never supposed to be easy, i think. Real fears, real lessons, real changes.

Thank you very much for that. Something I need to see more of is that despite my struggles, I'm actually not weak, or actually a coward. I think my persistence and bullheadedness show this. So it's more accurate to say that I feel weak or a coward but not that I am such. I think it's a important distinction.

It's funny, for me, my weight lifting takes more mental strength and focus than physical

I also meant to mention that as autonomous as I try to be, a reflection of my lack of inner faith can be found in my overwrought benefit of the doubt that often overshadows my own scruples and perspectives (at least with respectto psychedelics). While it's good to hear other perspectives and get feedback, I'm pretty damn sharp and need to listen to myself and trust myself more.

That said, I'm going for it later today; no excuses.

And yes the work never stops

One love

Ive seen you grow a lot in this breif period of time that Ive known you.
I feel like this can be hard for the self to notice, kinda like how its hard to notice your own hair grow.

I do commend you for your resilience and your will to grow.
And there is always more work to do indeed, though this must be balanced with some appreciation for what has already been done IME.

There is also a question Ive been meaning to ask for a while, has anyone ever been proud of you?

An old boy I know was telling me once about knee pain. I asked if he would get a replacement surgery. He told me no. Said he would play the cards he was dealt. For some reason it has always stuck with me. I really respected his answer.

We can keep switching our cards but eventually we will lose the game anyway. Those words have helped me no end with acceptance. Just being at the table with cards in my hand often feels like enough. Depressions, addictions, denials, ambitions. All wasted energy that I am guilty of subscribing to too many times. The answer has always been to be happy with nothing as nothing.

The attempt to build on a foundation of contented nothing-ness. When it all comes crashing down then back to a good place. It's difficult for us to have nothing and be nothing. We are conditioned from birth to be something and most of us live in a part of the world where truly having nothing is very unlikely.

In any case, I will keep striving to play the cards I have been dealt. I believe that by the end of this hand I will feel good about that sentiment if I can manage to stick by it honourably.

Thank you very much and also thank you for the time you've spent exploring this with me.

As for has anyone everyone ever been proud of me, I assume so, however, my father certainly ruined that, especially with inauthentic pride in me. It kinds shut me off to it, so when someone else is, I don't know what to do with if, it never really enters, and in turn rarely benefits me. By extension, I also don't have much pride in myself. Come to think of it, not even with what I've share in this thread.



I appreciate the idea and I too am always trying to practice more acceptance.

I would like to say however, I didn't subscribe to depression. Some people experience depression as a result of what you've shared, but not all.

One love

Would you briefly tell me about your version of depression and how you understand it Void? My choice of words were directed at me, not you necessarily. I find it easier to beat episoees of depression when I convince myself I have a choice.

Right?
Sometimes we just dont know what to do with positive emotions, we even get better at dealing with negative ones.

Following the analogy of cards, you were clearly dealt a shitty hand and somehow managed to make something out of it.
Sounds like people around you are genuinely thankful for having you around, you take care of them and manage to enrich their lives.

If that is not the be proud of I dont know what is.
Not to say that you should bathe in your own pride, I think we both realize how toxic positive emotion can be.

And, you know, it might be harder for you to be content with who you are that it is for those around you, and thats okay as far as I can tell.
You have done a lot man, you have certainly done more than enough, and Im kinda proud of you.

How does that sound?
Also, Im curious, what is it like to recieve inauthentic pride? How does that look like?

I projected onto you what I'm used to dealing with with others. It won't happen again.

For me, it's generally pretty constant with rare lulls in which I deal with it less. And it often doesn't seem connected to any specific trauma or instance. Things like that make me lean towards a biochemical relationship. It's been shown that many with severe depression have more MAOI in their gut which in turn consumes more dopamine and serotonin leaving less for the brain to use. That's not to say I don't have my traumas that I'm still working through.



I teared up a bit reading this the first time. I thank you again. Working to see more of what you see.

With regard to how it feels receiving inauthentic pride from others, it tainted my perspective on it I a way that makes me wonder if people are blowing smoke... which is somewhat rude on my part I now realize.

As for how your pride sounds to me, it's meaningful because of our interactions around similar topics, but simultaneously, because of my history and pre-established mental habits, wonder if the intent is simply and only to build me up, and am thus questioning how much "truth" there is to you in the sentiment.

This doesn't invalidate it or make it mean less to me in this context. I just wanted to be open and honest.

One love

I hope it does happen again my good man. Every interaction with you has left me uplifted. You are an ambassador for all that is great about humanity and this little niche on the fringes of that.





I honestly believe that chemical balance can be addressed with psychological U-turns and even more profoundly with enough self love. I know it's difficult. I threw away 9 years in a swamp of self destructive addiction and depression. But it led me to this point and I have no regrets.

Sometimes I feel the guilt of other people loving me not being enough. I work hard to appreciate the external love and realise how brutal nature is along side. Just one person loving me should really be sufficient to cure any depression. But it is difficult.

Rest assured that you are greatly loved and respected at the very least within the confines of our beloved nexus.

Yeah, I teared up a bit too writing that. Not sure why, probably because I am too seeking to fully learn this lessons myself.
I feel like our journeys have been, and are, quite similar, perhaps thats one of the reasons why I feel like I can help, I also find that I actually learn a lot about myself crafting these replies for you.

I wasnt really expecting you to fully let that in, thats okay.

Would you agree that you seem to attract a lot of positive sentiments from others?

I'm humbled by your sentiment and grace. Got me, I cried a little. ShadedSelf opened the gates



I appreciate your optimism. I've been dealing with this since being a kid. Probably around 9 or 10. And having experienced and dealt with it so long, even hoping to be rid of it is fraught with feelings of defeat. That doesn't mean that I won't be open to that changing and am not actively trying to change it. More specifically, those efforts are also necessary for managing it alone.



Probably would've had a nice long hug if in person for this interaction I'm also glad to hear that helping me helps you.



I suppose I do... yes.

One love

🫂


And why do you think that is?

This is a tough one for me. I suppose that perhaps they see something in me in such a way that leads them to deliver said sentiments to me.

Other reasons I've considered is that they may be mistaken in their assertion (and that's rude of me, I see), they pity me, or there's some ulterior motive.

However, I feel you'll likely direct me more towards the first statement.

One love

First off I'd like to say go a little easier on yourself Void. Easier said than done, I know. While I can't speak for everyone else, I know I'm always glad to see you chime in with your insights. I don't know you personally of course, but I genuinely feel we'd get along quite well.

I'm on my phone, and unfortunately it's stunting my ability to pour out the positivity I feel towards you and this whole community. Thank you all for being a part of my strange journey.

I know, I know, I'm trying, I'm trying

But on the real, thank you so so much. I really appreciate it. And I'm working hard on letting much of this in... again easier said than done

One love

I realize I was asking in a metaphysical sense, which probably makes a poor question.
That said, my guess would be that those around you share what they see and feel, which I guess could also be kind of invalidating in a way.
Or there could be as many reasons as there are entities for all I know.
What does it seem to you that they are seeing in you? What do you hear us say?

Right? I mean, they must be wrong or trying to manipulate you in some way, because what they say clearly doesnt correlate with what you see and feel.
What would people say about you if they saw what you see?

Hard question to comfortably answer.

It seems they are seeing greatness or elevation of some sort in me. Of many kinds.. I guess that could be the answer to the second as well.

I guess we can also bring perspective into this. For your last question, they share their perspectives which happen to align with other perspectives [of me], which happens to be misaligned with the perspective of myself...

One love

I have to ask, is there any chance that the perspectives of greatness and elevation that you percieve from others are essentially the opposite of the perspectives that you have of yourself?

Yep... it's like "there's no way it can be" how they see it in my mind... kinda f****** up I suppose. Hypothetically, say, that it is the case what they think, then, I don't trust myself to behave appropriately with that sort of "status."

One love