The trip began with great pressure in the mind that brutally stunned all the incoming and outgoing sound. Confusion. The fungus has reached the torrent. Burst. The journey begins.
The places where we travel always give us something of their personality throughout the journey. Especially if it is a somewhat familiar place, or one that has been traveled through other endless nights. My trip was marked by the following mystical keys:

First clue: there is something stuck there. I need to tell you something important.

Second key: the call arrives, but it is no longer me who should answer it this time. For some reason I am the executing phone that must pass the message to someone else.

Third key: the bird in the tree, spy?

Fourth key: I want to fly, scape, but I don't know where.

Fifth key: it is a symphony and you have to finish composing it. The points of the melody are connected, but only at the end, with the unity of the parts.

I meditate, therefore I am

I am part of all this again. I did this mushroom trip, after attending a Vipassana retreat. I was actually there for only two days. But for some peculiar reason, I began to reflect on something that had been echoing in my mind from there. And that has to do, in part, with a message I heard. What this message said is the following "we come into the world with a seed inside... that we must wake up and make the spiritual seed grow...". It is a message that always sounds old to me, like, from another life, although, from time to time, it always needs new meaning revisions.
Life for me always turned out like this seed waking up, spreading its principles on wanderings and travels. Disruptions, inclinations towards exotic trends. All kinds of mysteries found only on the way.

Cure the glitch

Loneliness. Distress. What gets stuck is the anguish, again. Not being understood. Never feeling understood, but as a failure, and the world sometimes appears as a great hospital, with its indifferent mask and patetic shadows. Most of us have a hard time understanding complexities. But sometimes I don't know when it was that this got stuck and stuck without being able to be expelled into the world, in what way could I express it? I had something to tell you. Because I guess we all have something important to say in moments of despair. I called you more than twenty times and you didn't answer. I thought I had gone crazy and I despaired. Indifference feels so cold. Moments of despair. Lawrence Durrell, that wandering bohemian traveler, used to say that youth is the age of despair. So I think I'm still young.


The dream again

“No, I dream not, since I know
What I am and what I've been.”
― Pedro Calderón de la Barca, Life is a Dream

This feeling of realizing that I am dreaming always returns, that I am getting out of the traps of the evil genius. How to capture all the brilliance of that glow of reason, of light, that settles in front of my eyes, in front of what I see when I really see it? When I see all my life go by and I see it clearly but I feel alone in that understanding? Only one can know oneself. The path becomes fruitful, the keys become confused. I would like to find the truth, because I was deceived by traps. I needed to understand. I thought you could understand me awake and I had to go away from that need to want to be understood by someone who is blind to the things I say. What do I want to show you? Nothing anymore. They were futile attempts. The call goes away, cuts off and the ice burns me. There is no message anymore, more than for me. Only I can understand that spiritual seed. What does it have to do with my path, accepting the loneliness and anguish of the path. The path is narrow and when we try to carry with us more than we can fit on that narrow path, we get stuck. Don't cheat, said the bird, because I spy on you, I watch you. So I dared to cross it alone again. To wake up and repeat to myself "that when even in the soft light of day, everything becomes dark, you should know how to pray your own inner mantra to yourself and find the roots of your authentic seed." You have grown and you have walked. And only what you want to make sense, will, if you mean to. But don't try again in the places you know wrong for your deeper intuition. Keep walking and spread your roots in peace, with gratitude.

Escape

"I see planes go from one place to the other every day, where are they going, I wonder."

That was something I thought insistentely, since I was a girl, apart from the recurring dreams in which I went with a backpack to unknown places. Always, for me, escaping was a fantasy. Luckily I was able to achieve it with some trips. Although now I don't travel as much physically anymore. Partly out of fear, from some not so pleasant experiences I had. But escaping, the verb, is something that always presents itself to me and attracts me as a concept. Escape, escape, escape. You can even escape by drawing. But that is not the point. But this hidden desire that I felt on the trip of mushrooms. To go. To escape. Maybe it's just a momentary and fleeting imagination, it's true. Maybe it's just a way of thinking that it could be different. That something could change. Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking that by escaping everything, I could be better off. That I could feel less alone or more understood.

In this symphony that I'm playing, the parts are disconnected and all I have to do is search for the pieces through time and space. I don't know when, but one day I will find what I need to complete it and understand it. I don't know how, but I know that deep down I know her very well. And if I listen closely, the bird spies on me, approaches me, until I realize that it is looking at me. I already know the joke. But the bird doesn't have to know that I do know the joke of this whole trap.

Ephedra,

Great writing style. This hit home in a few places in kind of a nostalgic way. The secret joke and symphony metaphors / motifs resonated and are similar to repeating themes in my experiences.

The cosmic joke: the knowing it’s all a game your playing on your own - all of existence that is. The dance (or symphony): pointing to the movement/change being the ephemeral joy that eternity itself basks in.

Peace

Dear Clearlyone:

Thank you so much for feel what I wrote. And, happy to know that for your personal experience is similar.

Sometimes, even nostalgia can be very beautiful for appreciate coincidences in life!

Peace as well

You're so beautifully poetic, ephedra

I felt that these lovely musings had hints and threads of Kierkegaard and Kafka; wonderfully existential. It also sounds like you're able to identify markers of specific inner cycles that you experience. Do you think that maybe you're trying to escape yourself at times?

For some of us, being understood by the majority of others in our rawest and most fundamental aspects and forms, when we are unadulterated in our expressions, is a tall order.

I tend to call the "cosmic joke" the "cosmic comedic tragedy" or "tragic comedy" whichever you prefer.

Thank you so much for sharing. As always I hope you share more.

ephedra,

Thank you so much for sharing. Echoing Voidmatrix, I found your style to be elegant, poetic and deeply poignent. The themes of loneliness, the feeling of dreaming, "the path becomes fruitful, the keys become confused" and ending on references to "the joke," I think many here resonate.

You have such a beautiful and visionary style of writing, I am left feeling happy and very grateful to have read this.

-Pandora

I have to say that, perhaps yes. Even now I'm writing is a kind of form to scape from my inside I guess. Or I consider each art expression like a sort of scape.

Yeah is kinda difficult for others as well to have access to a empaty of the moment or something when we are in some frecuency. I sometimes find feedback and sync, but sometimes is only this state of feeling very lonely in what is clear for oneself.

Why tragedy comedy? I'm so curious right now, Voidmatrix!

Pandora,

Thanks for your words. Even when my English is not my native language, I really try to meaning what I'm feeling in Spanish.

And I'm glad that I find some resonance in your side. I think something start to become clear of all of this soon. I'm very sure about it for some reason.

Sending peace