Hello,

I am a former professional athlete. In 2007 i discovered zeitgeist the movie and went on a journey of learning things that prior to the internet could not be found. I graduated school in 2002 and only started learning to use the internet in 2005 or so. The message boards i used then only were geared to my sport. I had to research a great deal in the big abyss of the internet. Since what i competed in required a great deal of pharmacology and alchemy to be successful.

In 2015 i finally achieved my athletic goals and stopped competing. Its been a rough road since then. having nothing to chase and look forward to has been a big loss and disruption in my life. I lost my marriage and abilities to go after goals like i once did.

Since my goals and life was largely ego driven for what i could present on the outside. I had a big mess inside to deal with that has been cripling to say the least. I have anxiety now, and it Cripples me to act upon the daily things i used to be able to without a thought. I had depression most of my life but that was far easier to deal with than anxiety.

Ive wanted to embrace things like Buddhism in my life even earlier than 2015 but i knew if i found inner peace i would not be the competitor i needed to be to reach my goals. It was tough knowing i was delaying inner peace to meet my ego driven goals.

Im now in a place restarting my life at 45, and all i want is to experience the death of self or something similar so that i can go through life no longer being afraid of the unknown. I want guidance that i can work with to live a better life so that people around me will want to stay around me. Ive always chosen my own needs over others. While ive been successful ive also been very lonely because of it. Average people dont do extraordinary things. So ive not formed many relationships other than with women.

Im hoping to find a guiding light in my life thats through aka, science. I look what people do here as scientific. As it requires knowledge, research, and experimentation and learning from that experimentation to learn to become better. I like to research and know things from first hand knowledge. I had to do that in my old life and i know i can in my new one. I just want to find peace and understanding of my life. To be ok with it. To not think about angels and demons and what all that means for us as humans. I want to help myself, then help others who want a healthier life.

thanks for listening.

Hello and welcome to you.

You have an interesting story to tell, and some interesting perspectives, and some non-trivial ambitions. I look forward to hearing about your journeys and your explorations.

Right here, at the nexus, is a multiverse of information, backgrounds, perspectives, experiences, data, questions, answers.
A great way to start is just explore the sticky threads in the forums.

One of my favorites is "Why you should not take DMT".

It is not the purpose of this thread to discourage (nor encourage) using a particular medicine, but to give information about it, and I think it's helpful.

You speak of finding a guiding light in your life, and I hope that works out for you.
These medicines that we explore and adventure and journey with may or may not help you find your guiding light, but they certainly might be able to assist you in your search. They assist me and many others, I know.

Your post is not a lot of words, but it surely is full of ideas and goals that are worthy of discussion.

I look forward to learning so much more from you.

Not sure if its just me, but your words seemed filled with sadness.
You story reminded me of this video.


Happens to a lot of us to some degree, though some do take it further than others, we build this shell-lifes because at some point we learned that we are fundamentally unlovable, unacceptable, not good enough, and with that the self-loathing grows in the same way our shell does.
At some point the bubble pops and we find ourselves unable to reconnect, finding our way back home can certantly be rough, take it easy.

Hello yeshua! Beautiful pick for an alias.

Path to oneself is probably the longest path we take and no one can tell you exactly what you should do.

Buddhism has helped me a lot to let go of wordly success as the source of self-value. You can still do great things even after giving up the identification with your successes / failures. It all started from doing some guided Vipassana meditations from YouTube that were recommended as an assisting skill in navigating the hyperspace. Best piece of advice I have got.

Psychedelics make your mind more flexible and do help in finding new perspectives, but it's also easy to get lost in them. Learning to zoom out of your cravings, aversions and clingings can bring lots of liberty and peace. Psychedelics can point to the answer, but they are not the answer in themselves.

Welcome 🙏

Very interesting post, I hope you can find your path to help others.
Also, nice video by ShadedSelf. I saw a familiar pattern in there. Let's learn to love ourselves.