This is long and a bit rambly, so thank you for those who choose to read it. I consider this a part of the integration of a difficult trip I had a long time ago, and this post is mostly for me. I've also posted this to the shroomery, but frankly the feedback here is generally higher quality so I'm posting here as well


When I had my first trips in the fall of 2020, it was from DMT I extracted myself. With sub-breakthrough doses I could see dancing patterns on the walls. Short stories would play themselves out through the morphing textures in the paint, and I was in awe of the imagery I was seeing. Aztec-ish looking art playing out a hunt in the forest, beasts jumping through the underbrush. It all just appeared in front of me, almost in comic book style. I'd see a scene that lasted a couple seconds, then a kind of jump-cut to the next scene or a change in camera angle. This became my favorite phase of the DMT experience because I felt like I could keep it with me while most of the breakthrough was lost to incoherence.

While I was experimenting with DMT I had my first mushroom grows going (B+), and I was excited to try for the first time. When they were finally ready, I decided to start off with a small dose, 2g.

At the time I didn't really understand potency variation, but I got "lucky" with these and now I can tell they were about average in potency, if not slightly above average. The trip I wound up with was mild, euphoric, and I was totally elated at the idea that I grew this thing and it was rewarding me with this experience. The most distinct thing about this trip that I remember, is when I went to watch my brother playing some AoE II. He was on a large map with a big open green plane. The whole plane was tessellated with 3d spinning fractals. Outside of AoE I could see the stuff in the walls morph slowly if I sat and meditated, but it wasn't like the DMT trip because I hadn't taken enough.

On a separate occasion I took 3.7g of a mushroom I cloned from the batch that gave me the previous trip. This time I got the same wall-morphing graphic novels that I was watching on my DMT trip, and there were beautiful spinning fractals on every large flat surface I could see.

This kind of experience was easily replicated for months with varying levels of dosing. Then, in December, still not really understanding potency differences, I overdosed by taking 3g syrian rue with 7g of the b+ mentioned above. Some time during my experimenting, I started taking shrooms from a low potency batch. This made me think that I had developed some kind of longer-term tolerance, so I just adjusted and dosed more than usual. At some point I did 3g syrian rue + 9g of weak mushrooms. I figured 3g + 7g would be easily handled. I thought bad trips were for people who just didn't have their shit together. Turns out I was kind of right. Bad trips do only happen when you don't have your shit together. My shit was not together when it came to understanding dosing and potency. Anyway, it was not a pleasant experience, though nowadays I am thankful to have had it.

Unfortunately, ever since that super intense trip I have not been able to replicate the wonderful spinning fractals and movies on the walls. I took 3.5g of 6-month-old encapsulated APEs. At the time they were encapsulated, they seemed about 1.5-2x the potency of what I have found to be normal. After 6 months I imagine they could've lost some potency, but should still be at least as potent as normal shrooms. Anyway, with this 3.5g dose, I see rainbow halos around light sources and people like always, I see the walls wave and whatnot, and I see stuff as hyper-real or macroscopic like before... But it all seems so sterile. Nothing is alive and moving and morphing in front of me. I get this modification to my vision, some giggles, the usual side-effects... but I don't see all the morphing shapes I used to see.

Going back to my first DMT trip, I associated the things I was seeing in the walls with the spirit world. Some kind of echoes from the past or something communicating with me. When I had a similar magic mushroom trip, I felt like that was showing me the spirit world, too. Now I feel like the psychedelics aren't showing me spirits anymore, and I'd like to change that... Or at least kind of work out why I don't see those things anymore.

After that crazy trip, the next trip I had was DXM, which just made me sick.. Though I had some nice CEVs in the dark. After that, I did a mushroom trip which filled me with anxiety and "Feelings of impending doom". The trip after that I tried 4-HO-MiPT and watched tropic thunder. It was great, but no spirits. After that, I tried 1p-LSD and mostly felt underwhelmed with much stomach discomfort and minor visuals. After that, I tried 2C-B and paired it with nitrous for a ridiculous mind-fuck of an experience that still scares me to think about. I've lost track of all my different experiences, but they've always been spaced out at least one month between, and all of them have felt sterile, dead, and disconnected from the spirits I saw in my first trips.

I haven't done DMT in awhile. I wonder if I should try extracting some and see if I can see the spirits sub-breakthrough like I could before. I also haven't tried fresh shrooms in awhile, only stuff that's been dried and encapsulated for a long time. Maybe there's something to be said about the spirits living in the fresh material. I generally don't believe that kind of thing, but now I'm beginning to wonder.

Hey Jacubey, thanks for the good read. I've said this before around here but I'll say it again anyway. It's a personal outlook so I dont presume to tell people this is how they should think. Just that this is how I seem to think and it helps me.

The point is that why should I believe that any time I feel like gaining infinite love, warm emotions, vistas of endless beauty and insights into the workings of creation that all I have to do is ingest some molecule? A wise dude said psychedelics are generous and forgiving to rookies but brutal to the veterans.

At first we believe these magic molecules are a free ticket to paradise. They often are at the start.

Later on I begin to understand that my free ticket has all but expired. Sometimes I have to pay for it. Sometimes I need to work for it. Sometimes it's exactly what I dont want but probably need. Sometimes I need to learn through disappointment.

Sometimes it leaves me wondering why am I inflicting this on myself?

Sometimes I get a lovely surprise with an unexpected free ride once more.

As my experience expands the possible experiences expand also. My preconceptions similarly expand. These preconceptions can dominate the experience before it has even started.

In short, I dont have an answer for you. Only the small comfort of knowing you are not alone in this forever changing adventure.

One thing is for sure in my little world. I do not deserve blissful experiences whenever I decide I want one. For me to assume that seems absurd. Sometimes I wish it was that easy. But then it would be another addictive escapism instead of a teacher and healer.

Thanks for the kind response!

I have definitely accepted that not all experiences will be enjoyable in the normal sense of the word, and I'm totally fine with that. The thing that's bothering me is how disconnected/sterile these experiences feel. I had considered the spirits that I was seeing a fundamental part of my experiences, but now it seems like they were the exception and not the rule.

I suppose I just wonder if other people have gone through this, where the spirits went from being very present and easy to access, to basically just being gone

Yes, absolutely. That's what I'm getting at. The thing you desire from the trip is no longer at your fingertips on demand. So perhaps now you need to work out what you need to do in order to earn the trip you desire.

I agree with fink.

My experience has been somewhat similar, things start full of meaing and joy, then somehow lose its magic, then you wander around for a bit, thinking that perhaps the next time it will all go back to the beginning, and eventually you give up and realize that things have changed.

At least thats how its been for me.

Personally I have found some of that magic back, but like fink says, its at a cost, it comes from the work you put in.
I used to just let the experience take me, to let go, nowadays that doesnt work, I have to be present, I have to "channel" the experience, otherwise things take a darker turn.

I assume that will stop working at some point too, as you learn and grow what used to work does not anymore.
It can be scary because it might feel like a loss, you know, the good old times, when beatiful fractals and infinite depth and love surounded me, and it might be in a sense.
I feel like you have to let go of certain expectations, to the best of your ability to do so, and have faith that what comes next is indeed love.

Also, relatioships are basically the same IME.

Thank you for sharing!

Sounds like a kind of honeymoon period with psychedelics is ending for you. They seem to respond to us and our expectations and our intentions in their own nuanced ways. Why is it that you want to see these spirits? It could be that wanting that particular facet so much is giving you an opposing reciprocal effect that leaves you somewhat disappointed.

At a certain point one comes to learn that taking psychedelics isn't "all fun and games" depending on the type of person one is, and there is a lot of work to be done. And change is constant; one thing that you can expect is for your experiences to change over time.

It may also be worthwhile to explore and augment different interpretations of past experiences. Perhaps there's some conclusions that aren't accurate or you didn't arrive at in a sound and/or valid way.

Opening yourself up to whatever happens and choosing to be receptive, without the hope of anything that you're used to or enjoy may do you well also. Who knows, you may come across content that is more important to you than what you were initially looking for.

One love

I suppose the thing that throws me off is that I had expected the experience to change. I had expected to have bad or disappointing trips. I never expected that the substance would change so much, just the content. I haven't the slightest clue where to begin with reintegration, but I suppose I should take up meditation and think on it.

Have you tried actively calling out to invite your spirits to hang out with you? Sometimes we take for granted that anything from a higher dimension can read our minds. I'm not sure if that is necessarily true any more. Dont ask, dont get.

I definitely understand that. The magic is not gone, psychedelics are just making you work for it now I'm confident you'll get to where you want to be again soon.

And I highly encourage meditation. A little bit everyday will go a long way.

One love