Hey friends, I've been lurking around here and I've been tentative about posting but I decided it was finally time to jump in the river. To start things off I'll provide some background about myself.

I had a pretty typical small town America upbringing. I was raised religious by conservative but loving parents. I have fond memories of childhood, it was very wholesome. My girlfriend jokes I had a 'Leave it to Beaver' childhood. My parents placed an emphasis on taking school seriously and being involved in extra curricular activities like sports.

I was on the default path in life. I believed if I studied hard I would get into a good college which would lead to a good paying job. My belief was a good paying job was the ticket to happiness and freedom. So I dedicated my youth to getting good grades, playing sports and trying to get involved in things that would look impressive on a college application.

Initially it appeared all my hard work payed off, I was accepted into the college of my choice! At first college was a magical time of learning, new friends and new experiences. Unfortunately I got heavily involved in the partying scene, abusing alcohol, nicotine and cannabis. My performance started to dwindle at school, I was gaining weight from unhealthy food/alcohol and a general sense of malaise dominated my life.

I had no direction and going further into debt to pay for school seemed like a horrid idea considering I wasn't taking it seriously. So I dropped out and moved back home. My self esteem was destroyed and I felt like a failure. I continued to abuse alcohol and cannabis to manage these newfound uncomfortable emotions.

Then one day my friend asked if I would like to try some psychedelic mushrooms. I didn't know much about mushrooms but I needed some excitement in my life and I told him I was interested. We went fishing at a private pond and we both had an incredible experience. I felt reborn and invigorated with a zest for life that had been lost. Imbued with a sense of mystery and wonder I knew I had uncovered something special.

I became obsessed and started doing research and learning everything I could about psychedelics. Soon afterwards DMT came into my life and I had some very powerful experiences. However I didn't have the maturity or knowledge to properly integrate these experiences and no positive changes took place in my life.

I had some more psychedelic experiences but they were not in a good set or setting. I wasn't using these substances with respect and in retrospect I was just chasing after psychedelic bliss. Eventually I had no access to psychedelics so I started to fill the void with booze. Working dead end jobs and abusing alcohol/cannabis led me to the distorted view of reality that could be summarized as "Nothing matters, screw it I just want to have fun".

Pleasure seeking became my modus operandi and I ended up in a pit of desperation. I was not taking care of myself and my immune system turned against me. I developed guttate psoriasis all over my body. It was another hit to my self esteem and was the beginning of a serious depressive period. I knew I had to change but the inertia of my bad habits was too much for me to stop on my own.

By some divine twist of fate I met my current girlfriend who completely changed my life. We connected so deeply she was able to overlook my flaws. She helped me get my diet/exercise regimen established and I was able to quit using alcohol and nicotine. My psoriasis was driven into remission. I had a sense of good health and stability in my life that I hadn't felt in years. I was high on life

With her encouragement I was able to transition out of the demanding and unfulfilling construction labor job I had for the past few years. I enrolled in a software development bootcamp and found employment shortly after graduating. While this industry has it's downfalls, it provided me with the means to create a higher quality life.

But the honeymoon period had to come to an end sometime, right? We were both still immature in a lot of areas of life. This led to lots of fights and uncertainty about the future of the relationship. After 3 years of dating I decided to break up with her.

Without her around serving as a good influence and a lack of disciple and responsibility on my part, my bad habits starting creeping back into my life. I started to use alcohol/nicotine again and a nihilistic reality tunnel developed.

After a few months of separation we both decided to apologize for the errors of our ways and we wanted to find a way to make the relationship work. While it did have a somewhat positive impact on my life, I was still lost and making poor decisions.

Living out a life of quiet desperation I was pleased to have LSD enter my life. It reignited my interest in psychedelics and I was able to use these experiences to abandon old patterns of behavior and create new ones. The introspective states were extremely powerful and I felt like I was on to something. What that something was escaped me like grains of sand through my hands.

My life was starting to move forward in a positive direction. I bought a house, my relationships with my girlfriend/friends/family were rewarding and at the surface level, everything appeared to be great. Problems still existed and deep down I felt spiritually vapid. I was still using alcohol/nicotine and I had little sense of meaning in my life, utterly confused on how to change my situation.

Psychedelics appear to come into my life when I need them the most. Cue the entrance of DMT, over 10 years after my first experience. This brings me to the present moment. My recent DMT journeys have been the most profound experiences of my entire life. I feel life is a beautiful gift and I've been fully engaged in trying to live an authentic life.

My assumptions about myself and the world have been turned upside down. A new chapter has been started in my book of life. I want plant medicines to be a part of my life, the healing and learning that has resulted from these experiences has changed my life forever.

I'm excited to be a part of this wonderful community. I like the saying "You are the average of the people you spend the most time with". Based on my lurking around these parts, the members of this community are the kind of people I aspire to be like. There has been a lot of inspiring and insightful discussions. I look forward to joining you all on the journey of learning, sharing and expanding.

Much Love,

Catfish John

Hi!
This was wonderful to read, and inspiring! I recognized myself in much of what you wrote.
In the last paragraphs you said that problems still existed deep down, and then you had some meaningful DMT journeys. Did they help you? How are you feeling now?
A warm welcome to you

Edit: I just noticed your avatar is a portrait of a hunter. Is it just a painting you like or do you go hunting? I will be honest with you, I oppose recreational hunting, but I got "good vibes" from you reading your presentation and I don't want to judge you.

Hey CosmicRiver!

Thanks for the thoughtful response and greeting My recent DMT journeys have helped me immensely. Throughout my life I have had issues with executive function, I know what I need to do but actually following through can be a herculean task. After my journeys I am experiencing a more seamless transition from feeling > thought > action.

This almost flow like state has working me toward a fuller richer life. I'm exercising, eating healthy, engaged in my hobbies and trying to live a life of good character and integrity. I feel more in touch with my self, my inner dialogue has a deeper more introspective nature than I've ever felt.

I often reflect on feelings and values like love, friendship, courage, gratitude, strength, compassion, forgiveness, learning, acceptance and nature. The spectrum of emotions I feel throughout the day has me spellbound with wonder like a child. Even the most mundane task like mowing the lawn can be transformed into a living breathing work of art. For example I was mowing earlier this week and a flock of barn swallows put on an aerial acrobat show for me, it was so cool!!

There is still a lot to unpack and the integration work will continue for some time but it's been beneficial and healing in ways I can't articulate. There has been a somewhat serious, sacred feeling to my overall experiences however it's also been a lot of fun. I met an entity in a hyperspace garden where I was gifted a jar of turnip jam!! I graciously accepted and we both had a good laugh.

My avatar is a painting I feel captures the essence of my spirit. An explorer, seeker, adventurer out in nature. You can get a better view of the portrait using this link:

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wi...A4t_Adam_Rosenblattl.jpg

We are unified in our opposition to recreational hunting and I am not a hunter. I may be desensitized to the fact the man in my avatar is a huntsmen. I grew up around hunters and was given the opportunity to become one myself. My father gave me a shotgun as a gift when I was 14 years old . However I was never interested and gave up after a few years, it didn't resonate with me, I only did it to please my dad.

Thanks again for responding and I hope this message finds you well

Very insightful, the relapse is one of the trickiest things in life. It can be with alcohol or a drug, and a short period, or it can be with a whole group of unhealthy habits during long periods slowly creeping in.

Do you meditate by any chance? That is a profound, scientifically proven tool and way to heal the body and mind, and help us live a more fulfilling life, make better decisions, be more patient, and generally enhance quality of life / well being.

There is also a chat button on the upper left side of the forum. Sometimes we are semi afk, so it's best to leave the tab open, but there can be really nice and fun conversations to be had, so feel free to get on and see if anyone is in the mood to talk

Yes! Thank you
Your answer confirmed the good vibes I got from reading your first post
I'd like to add something more to my replies but since English isn't my native language sometimes I struggle to say what I'd like to say

Hey justB612!

You hit the nail on the head regarding relapse, it's a tricky beast. One thing I've noticed in my life is that I will be successful for a period of time in my efforts to avoid certain substances and I will feel great and accomplished. Then an intrusive thought comes in such as "Imagine how much better you would feel if you indulged, you deserve it, you've been good". Such a mind game to avoid traps like that.

Meditation is one of those things I know I need to do but fail to implement. I feel sort of overwhelmed by the vast amount of information available. I get analysis paralysis and it leads me to over thinking like 'I'm not doing this the right way' which ultimately leads to inaction. Your encouragement is motivating me to get back on the horse and give meditation another try.

I've been eager to try out the chat and your nudge is a sign I need to check it out. Hope to see you there Thank you for your pleasant reply, it's reinforcing my idea this is safe place for me to express myself. Take care!

You're giving off good vibes too! Your replies were exactly what I needed and I found them meaningful. It feels special. Your communication is great, I would have never guessed English is your second language. I wish you well friend, take care

Welcome!
Trying to summarize your life is a psychedelic experience in itself

What you can highlight from what you have told is that in the end you always got up, despite the blows received from life and from yourself. This is certainly not a small merit.

We have in common the paralysis from too much information. I am a person who when enters a book store does not touch a single thing and leaves in 10 seconds for anxiety. They are too many!

Welcome Catfish John! What psychedelics have thought me is that you can't have a perfect past, and it wasn't possible even in the first place. You have to go through trial and error and feel the hurt, but once you get to surf the wave of healing, all the pain you have bore can turn into a fuel for love and wisdom. Hope to see you share in future too!

Happy to be here MAGMA17!

It was absolutely a psychedelic experience trying to provide a synopsis of my life. It was a wonderful exercise, I've never opened up like that. It felt cathartic, thanks for reading



That is very kind of you say, I hope this doesn't come off as too grandiose but I do see myself as a tenacious person. I like to think the blows received from life teach me lessons when I'm actually paying attention.



I wholeheartedly relate to the book store anecdote Sounds like something I would do. It's a good problem to have, having access to an encyclopedic amount of information at our fingertips Thanks again for your pleasant welcoming words, I really enjoyed replying and look forward to interacting in the future!

Hey Tomtegubbe!

It's a pleasure to be here That is a powerful lesson to learn, thank you for sharing that pearl of wisdom. I can look at periods of suffering in my life and it's clear the perspective gained shaped who I am today for the better. 'Surf the wave of healing', what a lovely metaphor



My goal is to share some trip reports in First Steps in Hyperspace. Hopefully I will have time to post this week. I really appreciated your reply Tomtegubbe, take care friend