Hello all,
I have been one of those "lurkers" here on the DMT Nexus for a very long time going back to 2013, perhaps even longer. On weekends i used to take my kids to karate practice and sometimes if other friends were not present i would go out to my car, sit in the shade, there was a park connected to the park district building with tons of mature trees, it was a beautiful place. I have always been in awe of mother nature and the limitless beauty that can be found.

When i was in grade school i became interested in mushrooms when i found a book on psilocin containing mushrooms in our library (8th grade school by the way, things sure were different back then!. and PLEASE NOTE - yes i know that is terrible i should NEVER have been doing this back then at that age, but what did i know? Nothing, that's what i knew... and i did not have much guidance, i was kind of on my own so let me be clear, i have no endorsement to use such things under 21, possibly even later depending on the person.

I don't know if i damaged myself and what or who i would be if i never explored but that is the mystery to life - what could be! I do know that i am damaged big time and always have been, perhaps that is why i had such a strong urge to find out what drugs could offer. Of course i am a high functioning damaged person, degreed, stable employee for over 2 decades, i have a patent or 2... yet i consider myself a real dummy. Poor self esteem is part of it but also i am very logical and if i can't do something i do not fool myself or anyone else. I was told by a therapist that i am TOO open, that he had never encountered a person that could admit fault as easily as i did... that was not a compliment by the way, just an observation.

So my first trip as you can imagine was way out of hand, i don't remember much but my parents were out, it was a weekend and i had some goodies... i was terrified! I thought i had to be by running water and i could not leave the bathroom or else! I do not recall too much more but there was also some loving and euphoric feelings as well, one of the neatest things of all was spatial distortion. out by the garage where i would sneak out to smoke there were trees next to the garage and standing there i felt like i was looking up a thousand feet in the air. The evening ended up with me waking up in the morning with my room quite a mess and my mattress and bedframe overturned and blocking the door. I have a vague memory of my father knocking but i don't know if it happened or not...

Anyway i am a mechanical engineer and love designing and building stuff. Like i suspect many of you here i quickly was promoted into management and that is where i have spent the past 2 and a half decades of my time. I am also a TPS specialist, read that as expert if you want but i hate that label, it makes me feel like an ass and very skiddish. If you don't know what TPS is i can tell you that it is the greatest set of philosophies and methods for business and manufacturing in the world. As such it is also VERY misunderstood, i can't even tell you how many arguements i have been in, always right in the end but always a loser for being right, so many peoples fragile egos shattered on the rocks of truth and reality -

in Lean we call this "Genjitsu" my favorite word in the world. It basically means "actual reality" how awesome is that!

And of course when it comes to business it means if you do not understand the actual real root causes of things you have little to no chance of success. The world wastes SO MUCH, we could have everything we ever wanted at a fraction of current costs in materials, time, effort but there are so many worthless managers that think they know what's what but they don't know anything and what a shame. They are bonused in the millions and the workers lose all of their weekends for nothing. Sad, no pathetic, criminal, disgusting. So guess who is the popular guy around the board room? Well the ones that wanted to be great had no problems getting there and i have always been happy to learn, share, and grow with everyone. Lean is SO easy, it is no more complex than basic arithmetic!

Anyway along the whole ride i have hid a series of addictions. When i was really young i was in a severe accident, actually a couple different ones a few years apart requiring several surgeries. So lets start with painkillers. Vicodin, like candy. Percoset, that was a little better but finding opium - amazing. I smells so wonderful. Lucky it was not easy to get over and over! But at that time i just started my professional career so on crutches and out of the hospital before i was released for work i was back at work in a manufacturing site covering support for the entire building! I was super proud of the praise that i earned and made many great friends, we were all young and ready to do something. The company i was working for did a startup within the site and i lead the entire engineering process. It was a great success and within the first year they asked me if I wanted to be the plant manager to which i replied "why would i want to do that boring job...." w.t.f. did i know. If I took the job i would be retired by now for years, multi-millionare but instead i kept working as an engineer only to move to mid management about 5 years later at a different company. Now i am instead fighting for my life, financially WAAY in the hole and i do not see a way out... just what a seriously depressed person needs on their back. I have always had a way of staying positive, some kind of coping mechanism that i developed when cancer struck my family while i was in grade school.

So addictions, i have had many. The above mentioned Percocet was easy to quit, diarrhea and moodiness for a week or so but somehow i had great will power. That did not last...

Next was kratom. It was great for the first week, ok for the first month but then not too good for me, of course i kept using it for about a year past that point and the amount of time i used it made it harder to quit than the Perc's. much harder. I spent a few days in bed wondering what the hell was going on thinking it might not ever be possible to have any energy... one evening i finally got up and things slowly got better. Anguish is the word for what i felt, just horrible, but wait, there's worse to come! mUch worse!

So i don't want to go too much longer but there is a drug called Tianeptine and let's just say it can completely ruin a persons life.

So have you tried antidepressants? You, every single one of them over the course of 12 or 15 years.
Got many of the side effects but little to no relief. A great friend that i made right after high school gave me the nickname "Mr Depression" I love that guy!

Of course i tried counseling, CBT wow that is a real mess, so highly dependent on the psychiatrist you are working with i mean wow i experienced the whole range from incompetent to a little bit helpful. The helpful guy was simply logical, get up, clean up, if something bad happens like say losing a job then look for another one!!! But that guy passed away...

So let's sum this all up: i am a clinically depressed individual that has been addicted to several substances so i know a TON about what it feels like to be addicted, the trappings, coping skills, lies you tell yourself, about ruined relationships yet somehow i wake up each day - and i hate waking up with the first thoughts that i have being about death and decay, fear and dread...

it is terrifying yet somehow if given the chance i can be productive and positive around people, that is my ability to fake it that i learned when i was under 10 years old... so if i can help anyone cope, heal or best of all avoid this path that would feel great. I do love helping people.

And the truth is i am terrified of death, i believe that i actually met the devil when i was about 18 years old and he told me that he planned to make my life miserable and then i would be with him for eternity... eternity is the most frightening word in existence.

I hope to learn more as a member, to finally heal, to grow and be a better person and along the way perhaps i can help someone else. I do not know what is next for me but i do know i am capable of making huge positive impacts... If you read any of this thank you from the bottom of my heart! Cheers!!!

Well, APPOLOGIES UP FRONT for the WALL OF TEXT. But i was hoping for at least 1 response by now. HELLO, IS ANYONE HOME? If you say wait, well it has been a few weeks, so i have waited. It kind of goes with my chosen name here and i somewhat regret it but that is who i am, it seems that being abandoned is a very consistent theme for my life.

Now I am not a career attention grabbing "look at me, i am a victim..." person, as a matter of fact i refused to be called "disabled" when i got hurt because that is not who i was or what defined me. I fix things, i was not happy as a kid - i fixed things by working my way through school. I was lonely so I met my wife, I got a job and had year over year promotions for about 8 years in a row! Things were rocking. I had moved away from an area that i found to be super depressing, I had fixed my being girlfriend'less to make up a term, i got recognized at work for doing above average work. So it's all good right?

What i did not know is that i did not change, just my circumstances and as soon as things went wrong, they really went wrong and my underling insecurities and abandonment issues came roaring back... Now i do have to say that i have a few of the absolute best lifelong friends, people that would stick by you through anything but when i got older i did not want to be a burden to them. Also they have ZERO frame of reference for someone as depressed as i am. So many of their comments are just not healthy but that is not their fault, they just don't know...

I constantly get gas-lighted by family, friends, oh that doesn't happen, oh that happens to me... NO SIR it does not because if it did you would look back at me and say "you too" when you experience fear at that primal of a level it is the opposite of a trip - euphoria vs absolute aloneness , pain, and dread... one with the universe vs not welcome in the universe.

They all also had their own families, jobs/careers, and things to do so again i really did not want to burden them. So I suffered in silence for a long time. I had an accident my back was ruined. The things that i was loving to to (I used to race Motocross -i was a full on A type personality) so that being taken from my life is horrible. i was hurt kinda bad, really messed up my back. There are other extremely serious injuries that i had earlier in life as well and all of it compounded onto me and when i was older for the first time i did not recover physically. Oh-oh, what the heck is this" i was thinking... this does not happen to me, nothing stops me... and i was finally stopped! The day i left the doctor who just said - there's nothing else i can think of, there is nothing else that will help i cried like a baby the whole drive home.

Anyway i am really not telling the details but still typing a lot here and i know that

WALLS OF TEXT ARE NOT THAT INVITING TO PEOPLE! i APPOLOGIZE, IT IS MY NATURE, I WILL GET BETTER IN FUTURE POSTS AS I AM FOCUSING ON IT AS AN ISSUE...

so let me end on this - hello, anyone read my first post? Any comments? It would help me out, i am at my end of rope. I had a nervous breakdown in Jan, i thought i might be having a stroke it was so bad. I did not think that they were a real thing... a nervous breakdown but there it was and i did not recover from it yet, if anything i am worse. No job at the moment, (supposed to be working but i am getting screwed, don't know if it is just bad luck or they are trying to give me a message...) No money to see a doctor, a family that does not respect me anymore and really doesn't seem to care if i am here or not, alive or not... literally refused to give me help when i asked for it, W.T.F! That is almost a push towards the cliff's edge! No, it IS a push towards the cliffs edge and a pretty forceful one at that.

Finding this kind of stuff out not only shatters you, but the broken pieces also disintegrate into nothingness, loneliness and pain.


i never thought that all my dark feelings and fears would not only return, but be substantially amplified, i now understand existential fear... and let me tell you, it is not worth it so that you can play a victim, i would trade this away for almost any price

I WOULD TRADE THIS AWAY FOR ALMOST ANY PRICE... as it is costing me the ultimate price, my life.

Greetings my friend.

Apologies on me personally not having replied. I just missed it. I do try to get to as many as I can generally though.

This is speculation, but the combination of your writing style (which is very much a flow-of-consciousness style), and what was share and how it was shared may have left many suspended in what to say.

I truly empathize with your struggles and fight with depression as it is a major component of my life as well. You can always shoot me a personal message if you need support.

I think it's important to point out some features of depression that presently appear prevalent in your experience. Depression shifts perspective and embeds itself in the host's thinking patterns, so things often really aren't what they seem. An example would be in feeling or thinking one has been maligned by another when they actually had no intention of doing so. It makes one more sensitive. It also has a unique way of invading one's mind and thought patterns with intrusive thoughts. I've found it important to develop a skill of identifying thoughts of this nature so as to better augment them and not allow them to persist which only exacerbates this issue overall. And often one can be hit so hard by an wide array of symptoms all at once that there's not much one can do besides rife it out. In these times I've found it wise to cultivate the skill of learning to just be with it and not let it rule me.

One love

It is important to understand that you should never expect anything from anyone. If you see it from a certain point of view it can be something that makes us sad, it can seem like a lack of brotherhood between us human beings. On the contrary, the reason you don't have to expect anything from anyone is that nobody owes anyone anything. And this is freedom. There is no contract with which we are bound. And you don't owe anyone anything either. Then it is obvious, our society (I speak as a Westerner) has been so influenced by Western religion and philosophy that in certain periods of history has taken a turn that it has led us towards this very clear distinction of good and evil, and consequently of what should be and what shouldn't be. In this case, in your vision (and obviously not yours alone) you would like things to have gone as you think it would seem more right. But that's not the case, if someone had answered you earlier it wouldn't have been "right" anymore. It would have simply been different ... that's all. Less information exchange, less entropy. This is the only difference. This is just my opinion, but what makes you feel more balanced, this thought or the one for which "it's not fair etc ..."? I think the first, then choose the first. There is no truth to seek.
(I also have this way of writing that passes from one thing to another like you, in fact I enjoyed reading the posts you wrote, despite the events that were dramatic for you. I have not replied previously simply because I never write on the forum, I just read)

I mainly intervened to answer this:

if the devil exists then it means that what you said is not true. If it did not exist, of course, it would still be something untrue.
The devil is a figure of the Christian religion, and therefore must be contextualized. The devil, and all demons, are angels fallen from heaven, who for various reasons have lost the right path and have chosen evil. The devil was among the most powerful angels in heaven, in fact. Lucifer.
God is in control of the actions of all angels, and in this case former angels. They are like messengers, or a medium, with whom God manifests his will. This simply means that the actions of the demons, and of the Devil himself, are carried out with God's "permission". God may stop those actions, not to say that He may not commission them at all.
If we then come to the fact that God is benevolent, and not malevolent (I am always speaking in the context of the Christian religion) it means that God would never allow something undue to happen to you, that would harm you.
This leads to the conclusion, that although the Devil's actions may seem to have evil intentions, since God's permission is behind it, which I remember is benevolent, it means that those actions are not really something evil, but have a probably greater purpose and that their end is benevolent.
What is the purpose of these actions that to us humans seem very unfair, that I cannot know ...
In the case of the devil's non-existence ... obviously, something that doesn't exist can't torture you forever.
Don't worry!

I recommend you, reading all the other posts you wrote, this film: Palms, by Artur Aristakisyan.
In fact I would recommend it to anyone I know. A masterpiece that can open your mind on many topics I have talked about and you have talked about.

Hey Abandoned,

I'm sorry that you didn't get a reaction for almost a month. It happens sometimes, that noone finds the words immediately, or the time to seek for them.

It's pretty tough to read your story. Goes to show that status and success don't really solve anything, and may not be permanent. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be strived for, but it does mean that they shouldn't be put above all else

I'm neither medically nor psychologically very educated. So i don't have any advice or good tips or questions from those angles.

As a person who is prone to depressions myself, i wonder, do you have any plants? Since i started gardening, the frequency of good mornings increased dramatically, and the garden is a nice refuge for when the rest of the world isn't a place i wanna be.

If there is medical treatment that can help you, but is unaffordable in the USA, you might consider going on vacation in Europe and seeing a doctor there. Many european countries have free or affordable care even for foreigners. And there is no shame in using that.

Hey Abondoned. Have you tried microdosing?

Quick background
I’ve been depressed for awhile due to not being able to conquer opiate addiction and being a huge underachiever. Had the grades to go to any college, but got arrested right after graduating high school instead. Life spiraled from there. Immediately went from OxyContin to heroin addiction and spent the next 7 years being a waste of space junkie.

I got on suboxone mid 20’s and got an associates degree. Only got an entry level job with it though. I cannot promote myself. Like you, I have a hard time saying I’m good at something or “selling” myself, even to potential employers. My mode of thinking is “why bother?” There’s certainly someone just as good or better than me for the job who doesn’t come with my baggage.

All this background is to say: my depression kept ramping up these last two years, and I’m too scared to try SSRIs due to the negative effects and physical dependence. I’m physically dependent on too many drugs already.

Stress/anxiety was horrible early this year. I’d made a bunch of microdose capsules a few years ago but hadn’t ever used them regularly. I’d tried it a few times in the past but only for a day at a time and never really noticed anything so didn’t go any further with it.

I started taking them a few months ago and my mood has really improved. I know some say it doesn’t do anything for them, or if it does do something, it doesn’t do anything for their depression/anxiety.

I noticed changes in the first week. My dose has been 170-180mg P. Cubensis and I take them every morning Monday-Friday. I just ran out and made a new two month supply, this time using P. Natalensis. First week on those. Slightly stronger but more or less the same.

Anyway, maybe give it a try if it’s something you’re comfortable with. Both mushroom species I mentioned are pretty easy to grow, and one grow can give you years worth of microdoses. Just takes some research and fairly cheap supplies. Although I don’t know how feasible that is for you with a family around.

I tried all the natural supplements like CBD, all sorts of vitamins and minerals, Valium, etc. and none of it helped. If it’s accessible you may look into it. I feel much more evened out and less irritated by things that healthy normal people can brush off. I’m not 100% better by any stretch, but it brought me back as I was at a breaking point before I started using them.

I’m hoping starting an exercise routine will push the benefits further. Just quit my job so I’m about to find out what killing myself at the gym can do for my mind state.

Hope you find what it is you need to get you back to feeling normal.

Edit: also when my girlfriend got off her SSRI 5 years ago she found a huge benefit in microdosing. She said they really helped ease the withdrawal. I was giving her the same dose I’m taking now, about 175mg dried psilocybe cubensis