It's been awhile since I posted on here, primarily because I haven't had any experiences with psychedelics in awhile and have slowly been slipping away from the mindset I was late last year when my psychedelic intake was occuring. However, that shift away from hyperspace is worth discussing. In this post I will not sugarcoat things; the reality is integration since that time has been difficult. Coming off of Ayahuasca I felt I had many answers, like I had "downloaded" them. And it does somewhat feel like the stresses of life have deleted some of them from my conscious mind. I'm at the point where I feel like all of it is gone now, I feel completely disconnected at this point from that "realm". The purpose of this post is to try and investigate why and hopefully figure out a way to remedy this.
Before I get into what's happened since I need to review what happened then. Roughly around December of last year going into January, I had 10 Ayahuasca experiences, 7 psilocybin experiences, one (minor) San Pedro experience, and one (minor) acid experience. All of this was among the first psychedelic experiences of my life. The Ayahuasca in particular was eye-opening, and I've written several lengthy trip reports on this website about it. I believe that from these experiences I gained a conception of what I call "the flow"- the motion of energy, the way it constantly changes formula both in a physical and metaphysical sense. The idea that this is all a vast reservoir of energy that takes the form of matter, light, sound, heat, and even our own thoughts/ideas. I didn't reach any "law of attraction" type idea, but the conjunction of some insane synchronicities at the time and these experiences led me to conclude that every thought plants a seed that could possibly potentially sprout in any number of ways in your life; no hard and fast rules to this, but it can happen.
But the the thing is, I still believe some of the conclusions I came to during those trips. What I lost was more of a feeling of connection to these concepts. Cognitively I still think of these things but that really intense intuition and feeling that I had then has definitely faded. But why? Well, at the time I was living in Hawaii struggling to keep afloat. My living situation didn't pan out which led me to struggle from one sub-optimal living situation to the next until I realized I wasn't going to find anything as good as my first place on my budget and decided to go back to the mainland. Hawaii is very nature-oriented and much of the environment is preserved. You can see the forces of the earth alive and well in real time, especially in the volcanic nature of the place. I think it provided an excellent backdrop to some of what I learned on Ayahuasca as it kind of showed me real life examples of this energy flow I was meditating on. Another factor is that my personal/relationship life has since hit a very rough patch that's distracted me from thinking of these things as much. The moving and the stress definitely harmed my integration.
Then there is the wild card in my integration journey, cannabis. It's hard to say whether it helped or hurt but I think the answer is both. You see for me cannabis seems to simultaneously tune out one aspect of consciousness and tune in another; In a sense it expands one part of your mind and contracts another. So while cannabis did occasionally help me reconnect with what Ayahuasca showed me through some of the random thoughts and sentiments it gave me, it also cut off my ability to process anything new it could have given me and maybe even harmed my spiritual connection to "hyperspace". Cannabis has also caused other harm to me mentally which may have also contributed to this difficult time integrating.
So for these factors, I do not feel like I've integrated successfully and lost touch with hyperspace and what it taught me. While cognitively, I'm still aware of the lessons; I look for and sometimes find synchronicities. I try to keep my ego in check and look to the bigger picture, to understand people for who they are rather than what society and stereotypes and what they present on the surface would lead me to believe. I talk about what I learned on Ayahuasca too, to spread my perspective and maybe help others with what I know. But it's hard to feel so disconnected from it.
Lately the medicine has definitely been calling for me. I think enough time has passed and I've reflected the best I can, and I would like to see what else it can teach me and perhaps rekindle that connection I've lost. Last time I did not drink my own brew but rather bought it off of a friend. That time it was made out of chacruna and caapi as it is traditionally, but this time I think I would like to make it myself. I am unsure if it will be an analog using something like Rue and Mimosa or if it will be the traditional recipe, but I believe I will soon brew my first ever oral DMT preparation. I have not made any moves on this yet but part of making this post is to state my intention to do so. My intention in returning to hyperspace is to "cleanse my palette" from all the garbage that has accumulated in my mind since that time and hopefully refresh on the ideas I gained then and reconnect to that "spirit" if you will.
Has anybody else had an integration experience like this? Also, does anybody have advice on home-brewing and how I could go about it in the most conscious and respectful manner? Thank y'all y for your time in reading. Any input or advice is appreciated.