Preface:
This is going to be pretty long... and not a ray of sunshine...

There are a few purposes to this very long post. First, to help those who do not experience clinical depression to understand somewhat what the experience can be like in order to spread awareness, and so that those who do not suffer from this may be able to better assist people in their lives that do. Understanding as fully as possible of anything leads to better interaction with said thing. Second, for those that also experience depression to have a reference of another's experience that can allow them to reflect on and understand their unique situation better. This disorder tends to muddy thinking, and sometimes putting our experience into words is a task wrought with too much cognitive dissonance to be able to do so. And third, because I need to practice my writing anyway, and I would also like to make some big strides in managing my personal situation better.

It's one thing to read a list of symptoms, but another to read the experience of the effects of these symptoms. It becomes more phenomenological, allowing one to engage their imagination to understand what dealing with this affliction is like.

I am not seeking advice and I'm definitely not looking for any pity. This is mainly a source of information. I also will not share a whole lot of what I do to manage and cope or about causes and trauma because this is centered on the phenomenological experience of depression.

You will see a lot of misguided thinking. Please keep in mind that I don't identify with a great deal of it and it is being shared to show the nature of the depressive state and experience. It is a state of mind and being that for me feels inescapable.

Intro:
My experience with depression centers on what is termed as persistent depressive disorder with major depressive disorder (double-depression) as well as reverse seasonal effective disorder (depressive symptoms worsen in Spring and Summer). I also have sensory processing sensitivity [SPS] (not the disorder) and am considered a “high sensitive person,” or have a “hypersensitivity.” Depression and SPS also influence severe anxiety and I've had a PTSD diagnosis from more than one mental health professional. Persistent depression and major depression generally have the same symptomatology except persistent depression is long-term and ongoing (for many, several months or years, for me, decades; I may never be completely free from this; it's possible that this is life-long) and major depression tends to be shorter lasting, but of a higher magnitude of intensity. SPS, simply, means that my nervous system picks up more information and as such my brain is kind of on fire all the time, I notice things that may go unnoticed, things are magnified in my perception, I can be moody, and am generally “more sensitive” in most ways. PTSD is an anxiety diagnosis that is brought about by usually by some acute incident that “left its mark,” in my case likely as a result of my childhood and a particular double beating that I received one day for a half day suspension when I was 10.

Depression is a very complex issue and comes in a wide range of permutations of symptoms as well as magnitudes of intensities for each symptom and how symptoms interact with each other. Though it's something I have to keep reassessing, I am aware that I am on the far end of the severity spectrum for depression. I tend to become suicidal around three times or more a year lasting anywhere from a few days to a couple months (please don't be concerned by this statement as it's something that I've learned to manage well and it doesn't alarm me when it occurs). I've also had mental health professionals let me know in one way or another how severe and “dire” my particular situation is. There have been instances with past jobs where I had to have FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) time when an episode was so devastating that I could not work. I've also interacted with other people that have depression to sometimes be met with lack of understanding or a surprised response to what I deal with and the intensity. And this is not stated to set me apart or anything like that, but more so for the understanding that we are talking about an “extreme” case.

I cope and manage this every single day without fail, and mean no exaggeration when I say that it is paralyzing and debilitating. I tend to find most things, if not everything, difficult more often than not. There's also something to be said about how depression may not always be directly connected with specific trauma. I have been dealing with this since I was around 9 or 10, being undiagnosed until about 20 (I'm 33 now). Some of my depression is definitely connected with certain traumas, like aspects of my upbringing, generational trauma, etc, but am not sure that all of my depression is attributed to my traumas and that it may have another underlying source such as my biology, sense of awareness, etc.

Symptomatology:
There are many symptoms for depression and I seem to run the gamut on almost all of them. Here I will do my best to share some of the major ones that impact me and how they work in conjunction with one another to create novel depressive experiences.

Outside of depression, many of these symptoms are effects that are commonly considered to be augmented through changing our thinking, but with depression it becomes a whole other obstacle.

Symptoms that are the most connected and that possess a higher degree of reciprocal influence will be categorized together.

Fatigue: This is endemic to depression for me and one of the symptoms I deal with it the most. It's exacerbated by the energy used in experiencing negative feelings, emotions, and thoughts as well as other symptoms, not to mention the pragmatic activities of day to day life. That said, I often don't feel that I am able to get what I need and would like to get accomplished daily. It contributes to instances in which depression is the most debilitating and paralyzing, stifling any motivation to, say, get out of bed. It extends into the physical, emotional, and psychological. Often times I don't feel I have ample energy to think.

When fatigue is at a particular “strength” it becomes that much more difficult in managing other symptoms and they magnify their scopes and effects.

Sleep: I am more fatigued simply by the fact that it is rare for me to sleep legitimately well. I experience extreme insomnia a few times a year. If I can't sleep then I don't have any physical or mental energy, at least not to the degree that I know I could have. Poor sleep tends to extend a negative impact across all aspects of life. Even social interactions are draining, even with people I love being around, and so this contributes to my keeping to myself.

There's a delicate balance I must maintain here because while I may sleep poorly regularly, I also feel the gravity to sleep very often, and I have to avoid napping/sleeping for too long because if I do then my sleep cycle will be off for the evening and I will likely sleep worse than I normally do.

Intrusive thinking/thought hijacking/indecision, obsessive/neurotic thinking (and difficulty thinking), lowered self-esteem/confidence, guilt/shame: This one can be quite a dark puzzle and all of these facets work with each other against me. It sometimes appears strategic on the part of my depression and I commonly treat it as though it's another mind competing for control of the overall system with my own mind and self.

Intrusive thoughts and thinking are thoughts and thought patterns that appear in ones mind seemingly unwarranted and out of nowhere, in a sense, a random thought or thought pattern. Everyone experiences them regularly. However, for me, they are usually detrimental. It's like an invasion and colonization of my mind with varying frequencies and intensities of foreign thoughts. For example, one reason that I am closed off in many ways (though I push against this often) is that I have feelings of being “unsuccessful” and “under achieving” and when I come across many that are doing work in some realm or field of interest to me. I feel defeated by my “lack” achievement, and in turn disconnect. That's depressive intrusive thinking to me because I fundamentally disagree with that sort of position. In my understanding, “success” and “achievement” are subjective ideas relative to the person considering them (contrary to how societies try to have us view it) and “success” and “achievement” are results of a variety of complex factors such as upbringing and stability in upbringing, being introduced to the right thing at the right time and having the influences to stick with and run with it, life obstacles, encouragement, direction, etc. I come from a poor home, with a father who refused to keep a job, was abusive, deterring and detrimental, and am the first generation in my family to graduate college. For clarity, while both of my parents were in my home until I was kicked out, my mother still tells people I raised myself. However, this feeling of defeat is still present and prevalent under many contexts and is connected to low self-esteem brought on by depressive thought states. When it gets to a certain level, it's a hijacking of thinking wherein I feel many of “my” thoughts are not mine and begin to severely second guess myself (which already happens because I'm very aware of many of my limits and perhaps focus on them too much, which can be something precipitated by depression) and then have a hard time thinking clearly, which then impacts my decision making.

Intrusive thoughts also fuel obsessive and neurotic thinking by reinserting x thing or event in my mind repeatedly and relentlessly. The more it excites me in a negative way emotionally, the more intense the experience is (and I'm hyper-sensitive, so everything is intensified even the experience of what is readily perceived as negative) . If I wake up dealing with this, it often sets the tone for and dictates most of the upcoming day. I can tell myself, “I don't want to think x,” or “I don't want to think about x,” and know that it is true to me, but still be viewing it in the view-screen of my mind. It's like being strapped to the backseat of my own thinking. I can also just “let it be,” but that tends to still bring me down psychologically and emotionally.

Because I deal with this often, and have to spend time managing myself emotionally and psychologically parsing the thoughts that are in guise as mine, but aren't, I don't feel I am with my thoughts much, hence, I don't know what I want. I sometimes think I do and run with whatever thing or things that happens to be only to either lose interest (more of this in the next section) or realize that I'm just not into that thing. While I realize that that's okay, the way I am prepped to feel about it leans contrary to how I'd prefer to feel and think about things.

My depression tends to pick a different target after periods of time, sometimes after I have learned to cope with a particular recurring thought injection. Sometimes it's of the nature of some gut reaction to some thing or event. This leads to rumination which is often obsessive. Though I seem to conduct myself well, I don't really feel that I think “clearly” very often, which may give credence to the term that many therapists have used with me; “high functioning.”

There are intrusive feelings and emotions as well. Sometimes, I'm just angry, not about anything in particular, just angry. My depression may pick things for me to be angry about, but typically in the moment, I can check in and see that I'm not angry about that thing, though will still remain in rumination about it. Other times it can be unbearable sadness. I've had Springs and Summers (when things intensify) where I have cried all day for days in a row for most of those seasons. Imagine 140lb guy standing over a deadlift bar with 405lbs on it, crying his eyes out so much that you wonder if he can see the bar he's preparing to lift.

There's something to be said about this when it's conspicuous and repeatedly intrusive over time. Coupled with hyper-sensitivity which notices a lot of detail, there's an inner castigation arising intrusively when a standard isn't met and it's also hard to tell whether a standard is too high or not. It's like there's a thick veil over my eyes preventing me from properly discerning these things.

As you can imagine, it's difficult to maintain a positive perspective and outlook.

I've mentioned how I don't get much done and how everything can feel much more difficult than it probably is, and with that comes the feeling of inability to do many things and a low level of self-confidence. There's a lot that I'd like to do, but intrusive “logic” creeps in, precipitating negativity bias, and “reasons” are found why “it can't be done.” When already feeling defeated, these thoughts can be very convincing, especially since they embed themselves in my style of thought so I mistake them for mine.

My self-esteem is also rather low, not feeling valuable to do the things I'd like or that would be good for me for instance. DMT has shown me this in the most beautiful way, allowing me to lift the veil to see there's a deep felt sense of being “undeserving” in general. For a long time I've felt that my value will be able to be identified in some “objective” sense with regard to people in some awkward and sloppy way and manner and was placed under the seemingly altruistic cloak of the goal of Enlightenment... (I've shared about that in a different post). Now I know better than to actually think in that way and hold such a stance, but it's been embedded nonetheless. Over time, as thoughts transform, subtly and slowly, certain thought faults can get away from you. This is a good example of thought hijacking.

This can be seen by the idea that I likely have plenty to feel good about with myself, but in an incessant depressive state, the ability to feel goodness is cut off and am blinded to the positives within myself. Any positive sentiments from others that could be used as a lens to see myself in a better light are met with contention and challenging of said sentiment. I end up becoming confused by compliments because I cannot “justify” them. And the excuse of not wanting to have a big “ego” is employed to cover up the fact that this is a hijacking by a depressive thought pattern.

To add to the difficulty in doing what I want, and to connect it with the intrusive mode of having too high of expectations and standards, there's a nagging idea (that I hate, but it always deters me) that if I'm not likely to be at the “apotheosis” or “high degree” of performance in some thing or field, and if I won't be adding any value to anything, then it is a “waste of time.” An example would be with my passion for philosophy. With a deep inferiority complex (will be discussed later) and being aware of my limits, and being aware that plenty of people have written about skepticism, it's hard to bring myself to work on my thread. What am I really adding to the field and realm of philosophy? It's harrd to do it because I want to.

Simply having the desire to do something is insufficient reason in my mind (depressively) to follow-through on said desire.

Doing what is good for me is hard as well. Sometimes I will smoalk some DMT in some manner to take the edge off, not really even going anywhere. But I have to push passed so many blocks often times that it's evident why I have a hard time allowing myself deeper experiences.

With guilt and shame, they are reflexive responses that I am prone to. I tend to feel these with some thing or other more often than not. I sometimes wonder how much of it is connected to my empathy, depression aside. They tend to come about intrusively as well, prompting me to ameliorate them repeatedly with regard to the same issue that shame or guilt are felt over. It causes me to not feel like a “good” person. Also, they are influencers in high expectations and standards being part of the felt aftermath of disappointment. It's a very elaborate and complex trap. And it extends to both “big” things and “frivolous” things.

Loss of interest, apathy, and difficulty with engagement, pleasure and enjoyment, and difficulty finding meaning: One thing that often occurs is at work I will be thinking about all of the things I'd like to do and get done, but once I'm off, with influences from fatigue, I end up being pretty worthless. I have so many options of a direction to take and become overwhelmed by the many prospects. I spend so much time trying to figure out what is “right” to do in the moment; trying to figure out what I really want to do. It's hard to find motivation.

Depression saps interest. I love philosophy. I love music. I enjoy video games. I like lifting weights and working out. I love learning. I find writing meaningful. But when the opportunity arises to engage, I tend to find myself “not feeling it.” All of what was mentioned in the previous section impacts this experience. Even doing what I “enjoy” seems like a chore. Granted, once I am engaging, I feel good, but outside of that space it's almost impossible to remember the good feelings that come from such engagements. A deep sense that I won't get anywhere pervades my thinking accompanied by feeling like I'm wasting my time. This loss of interest which breeds apathy makes it hard for me to be open to new things, wherein my depressive mind finds something “wrong” or “dull” or “uninteresting” preventing me from moving forward. In a sense, it has made it hard for me to know who I am. And I find myself reaching a state of boredom far too easily, which can be traced back to my childhood. At some point, I just shut down and interest is gone... and is hard to retrieve.

It's simply and patently hard for me to have fun, be immersed in beauty and awe, to enjoy myself, and to allow myself to feel pleasure. There's a depressive detour that causes me to bypass such feelings. In a certain way, they are reflexively perceived as “wrong,” making everything much harder. Again, it's like a gate with a gatekeeper preventing from access to these qualities of experience.

As such, it's hard for me to find meaning. It's also hard because there's a narrative that just because something means something to me doesn't mean that there is enough meaning for me to be invested in. There's 7.8 billion people on this planet, and I'm but one... again, little self-value. Because I have a depressed mindstate, but am also “aware” in many ways, I can see how there may not be meaning in things as others may see it (such as noticing contradictory views between two disparate cultures about the same point of some kind), and so nihilism takes hold, and I end up in the defeated well feeling like there's no point, but still feeling a pull and calling of ambition to “do things.” The limbs of my mind strapped to horses facing different directions.

Eating and rare appetite: Diet affects almost every aspect of our being. Proper diet helps keep our minds and bodies in balance. I'm off balance in this aspect because I don't eat enough. It's just hard to eat. I can be really hungry and not want to eat, being devoid of an appetite. So I go too long without eating and in turn don't have the caloric energy to function and think properly. What's worse is I generally don't want to eat. Too often, nothing sounds good and just as often, nothing will taste good. There's just a blandness of taste experience. There's nothing wrong with my taste buds, but rather, my mind. This is why I tend to eat the same things over and over, as balanced as I can, and often eating is done by force. It also lends itself to why I don't like cooking; I feel like it's tedious and I won't truly enjoy the end result, even though I'm very thankful for it. With 7.8 billion people on the planet, 80% of which live on less than $10.00 a day, I'm aware there are many many hungry people on this planet, and my experience of my situation leads to guilt about this as well. [Note: Part of the issue with that guilt is the underlying idea that depression needs to have an experiential cause for the intensity of the disorder; this is a mistake in understanding depression, in my opinion.]

Restlessness, anxiety, and agitation: At my worst, my anxiety and agitation have spiked so much that I've walked around for months at a time with one eyebrow because I've anxiously pulled all of the hairs out of one. I've also ripped whole dreadlocks out of my head. Literally banged my head against a wall. I tend to wake up highly anxious. I will sometimes experience tremors where my body shakes as a result of anxiety. I tend to also experience anxiety spikes for what appears to be no discernible reason, and they can last several hours to whole days. Some of this is due to my hypersensitivity, and then exacerbated by depression. Anxiety and restlessness (even when I try to ground myself in the moment) make thinking clearly really hard and create a tremendously uncomfortable inner space. It makes me not feel right with myself.

I tend to worry and experience paranoia often which is hindering and stifling. It's something that impacted how long it took me to get back into psychedelics being impacted also by low confidence. Due to depression changing how it impacts me over time, this has actually transferred into the psychedelic experience, or rather, leading up to the experience. I tend to worry about if I'll be able to handle it, even though I have plenty of experience with deeper experiences. It seems like it was a completely different person who used to be that comfortable in psychedelic spaces. It also influences an inherent distrust and second guessing of myself with most things.

I have a particular anxiety about time. It was the focus during a mental breakdown in college that led to me admitting myself into the mental hospital (which unfortunately didn't help much, and I played the game just to get out). It's something is a especially prominent on my mind because I have noticed a perceived time compression in which everything seems to be happening faster. It's mainly that I have a hard time being engaged and things just blur along and together.

Uncontrollable and incessant crying, mood swings, hopelessness, and sadness: In the past, I have been consumed by so much sadness so frequently, that I just cry and cry like a never ending rain, as I've shared. I already talked about it happening in the gym, but it's also happened in many other places; work, the store, the movies, etc. It would literally go on and on and never stop, which is in itself a depleting experience. The sadness always makes me acknowledge the deep seated hopelessness that is always with me. Again, aside from depression, hypersensitivity plays a role here. Being that sensitive leads to an unhealthy and unproductive magnification of “irksome” situations. If it's perceived that someone said something “offensive” or “off-putting” or the way in which they stated something was “offensive” or “off-putting,” a negativity bias kicks in, and no matter how much I try to tell myself that it's okay, or to shrug it off, or to accept it, or that it is what it is, the whole rest of the day, and sometimes subsequent days, will be spent ruminating on the “negative” situation. It's another intrusive example, and it makes me feel petty when I don't want to feel petty. This leads to feeling out of control. And whatever “offensive” or “off-putting” thing could have had some truth to it, but is usually not as big a deal to the deliverer than it is in my field of perception.

It's rare for me to be in a “good” or “positive” mood; my baseline is just low with respect to this. I do my best to not make others have to deal with it. Low mood makes me less inclined to interact. It's a disengaged state.

Seclusion and isolation: I keep to myself often so that people don't have to deal with me... I'm already a bit of a contrarian and in to niche stuff that many people aren't, I appreciate depth a great deal (which has probably made me too rigid in ways), am a bit of an enigma, and tend to be disinterested in “common” interests, like talking about food and sports. Plus, I'm always dealing with my depression. It seems to be for the best that I keep to myself; saves me a lot from having to feel guilty.

I do have a good support system and network of friends, but with my thinking as cloudy as it often is, I find myself avoiding them without any particular reason. They may text me something and I take two or three days or longer to respond... some of these behaviors I can't explain, except to say “my head's not right.”

While I fair well in most of my social interactions (I am relatively sociable and amicable), I rarely feel good about them myself. I also tend to feel guilty when someone seems to really like or resonate with me and I don't have reciprocal feelings. There's an implicit sense of pressure with respect to social situations and functions, and while interacting well, I'll find myself overwhelmed and uncomfortable. This was first noticed in college. I'd be at a party, having a good time, socializing and whatnot, and then a need arises to leave the atmosphere, even if things are going well. In these instances, I would tend to go off somewhere in the house (if it was a house party) that was isolated and smoke a blunt, only to inadvertently attract people by the aroma of the cannabis...

Discontent: As a result of hypersensitivity and being detail oriented, along with being severely depressed, I don't know how to be content with myself or what I do. I try to be satisfied with doing my best, but am aware I don't have the most clarity in my judgments, so wonder, “am I really doing my best?” It's irrational and unhealthy, but it's something that is regularly witnessed and I feel victim to. My mind always hones in on some detail or set of details that may have been neglected or not covered, etc causing feelings and perceptions as seeing the final result as unsatisfactory. It's crippling. Over time, it's brought me to a general point of asking, “what's the point?” Nothing ever seems to be or feel right. And it's highly uncomfortable, all the time. These patterns can be injected into my thinking with brutal frequency and intensity.

Any satisfaction that I may have with myself or something I've done is almost always short-lived, being a rapidly fleeting phenomenon. The tandem connection and function with intrusive thinking, anxiety/agitation, and struggles with engagement and enjoyment. I have an imbalance in being too aware of what I don't want and not aware enough of what I do want.

Please keep in mind, this is what my symptoms are like and what I battle against.

Effects:
Now that there is a breadth of symptoms to take note of and understand, I will now assimilate that into what my personal experience is like. This will be a sort of blend of free-writing/flow of consciousness and analytical observation.

In too many instances do the simplest and most menial tasks seem to be a huge undertaking or experiencing the forethought that they will require more energy than is really necessary. In order to get to each step in some process, it appears as though the world's longest staircase has to be traversed each time... Which is vexing because I then don't do said tasks how I would've like to, trying to just get it out of the way.

Tendency to be too hard on myself. Assumptions that I'm weak or something is wrong if i can't do something on my own. As an example, there's an entrenched idea that I should be able to manage my depression all on my own without any help from anything or anyone else. Its a strategic way in which depression keeps me depressed because I become disinclined to do what will help. This is where a lot of anxiety in bringing this up comes from. Irrationally, "I should be able to do a lot with only a little all the time.”

We're back to the elevated standards. As another example, my job wears me out and I commonly attribute this effect to my lack of productivity. But instead of considering that they may work us too hard, I just assume that its my issue and I need to suck it up and figure out how to not be worn out by it.

I know things seem magnified and intensified to me and so I don't trust my reaction judgment. When something upsets me, I tend to get stuck wondering if my mind is blowing it out of proportion or if I'm "justified " in my feelings.

There's a unproductive, personified, hypothetical framing process that occurs very often and I often don't know how to curtail it, wherein I get stuck in a loop of trying to justify something as though someone else is questioning me, often in a closed minded way (the questioning). I think this comes about because I feel misunderstood in core ways for me and worry about what I have to deal with with other people revolving around that. In the past year one of the main targets for this experience has been psychedelics wherein i never feel "justified" in my use... This is particularly frustrating considering how I think and try to figure out things on my own for a reason (I find many ideas to not be considerate enough in their own limitations and biases, and I lean towards the sharing of ideas that is considerate, incisive, and deep, which may be too much of a good thing; an example would be how I pay attention to language and semantics and syntax; to be fair the vast majority of my thinking is in a philosophic spirit, and ironically, and sadly, but also slightly funnily, I tend to feel pretty dumb even though I have these preferences and contrary to the observation of others) and usually am disinterested in any external judgments aside from what I may have to deal with.

It seems plausible that the longer a depressed state functions the more it changes the mind it's affecting. Having regular sense of difficulty thinking leads to such an experience reprogramming the mind detrimentally. I really feel like my memory has been slipping beyond normal (as there's a small cognitive decline that comes with age) as well as concentration and overall flow of thinking, which hinders consistency (aside from randomly losing interest and dealing with other depressive symptoms). There's a lot that I feel I had been decently aware of that I now find myself refreshing on. It seems to be a lot (which can also mean that I am influenced to feel this way and these feelings are in error). And it's not frustrating because it means something about me, but because it makes it harder to function the way I'd like and interact with things the way I'd prefer. It means I'm also not learning as much and that its harder to learn (some of which also comes with age, but I feel I've experienced a steep decline). While I try to bear in mind that some of this will depend on regular interaction with things that help keep one sharp and interactions with persons that will do the same, and the need for consistency in order to avoid getting rusty, certain negative feelings still remain.

I feel like I stopped reading as much and looking things up as often because I figured I wouldn't remember it anyway, which really just adds to the problem overall.

And then I wonder, is this really something that I'm noticing outside the expected declines in cognition that come with age, or is my depression blowing this out of proportion and it only seems this way because I second guess myself so much due to not being trusting in or confident with myself?

To be fair, I'm always looking at finer and finer lines of things and even the most fundamental aspects of a paradigm and ideas and assumptions often taken for granted are not exceptions to scrutiny in my approach. And this may be part of my nature that wasn't acknowledged. It's likely a contributor to a doctor telling me I'm too smart for my own good... I do feel that this position contributes in ways to the close-minded effects I sometimes encounter; too rigid. Another instance of depression using my own mind against me.
It should also be noted that in the past I've sort of just retained information....

It should also be noted that in the past I've sort of just retained information. I don't know how to “study” (though I'd like to learn), even throughout college. I feel this may lend itself to what is being encountered presently and that the ability to simply retain is diminishing and so it's necessary to take more direct and intentional note of new information.
I gravitate towards thinking and behaving in a manner that is purely hypothetical, framed as if I had a less fortuitous life. If, say, my hip issue is bothering me, and seeing my physical therapist or chiropractor will help alleviate the issue, I often go long periods avoiding doing so wondering, “if I can't handle this with the more comfortable life I have, how would I fair and survive if I lived in a developing country or circumstance?” What's interesting is while I don't mean to think this way, it seems to be a sort of survival mechanism... However, regardless, it's catastrophizing.

All of this varies by intensity and degree and these variances give a very different flavor each time. I feel like the ship the Event Horizon, having a black hole inside of me that folds space and time in order to send me to hell. The only difference is that I'm not trying to make it back to Earth as a vessel of hell. I've been dealing with all of this for a long time; the miniature black hole always pulls me back in, first catching me in its nefarious gravitation, speghettifying my mind until ultimately crushing my soul.

I do feel that I have a heavy negativity bias that contributes to an inferiority complex. While consciously on the surface I find it futile to make most comparisons between people to be futile like comparing apples to oranges or mapping two systems that have no correspondence. There's too much to consider that it's ultimately meaningless. My depression doesn't care however, and I feel less than and inferior in a plethora of ways. I carry a case of defeat. And it's hard to not be frustrated with myself.

Because negative things impact me more than positive, and it's been that way for so long that there's a programming of sorts that makes me have contrary reactions to positive things. Someone could give me a compliment, and instead of gracefully accepting it and seeing that that statement is part of their personal truth, I fall down a warping hole where I need to justify how said compliment can be true. The only exception is with regard to my strength, and I feel this is because there is a slight objective standard that my depression cannot use my own logic to question or argue against.

There's also a tendency to wonder how I tricked the source of positive sentiment, to view me in such a manner because I have nothing to show for “x” sentiments; impostor syndrome.

Due to discontent, there are constant feelings of not being “enough” and because these feelings have been with me for such a long time I've found it hard to “do” because I feel like it won't be “enough” anyway.

I feel this is also why it's so difficult to avoid worrying, especially about things that are outside of my control as well as potentially not a real concern. An example would be when I worry about water. I find myself becoming anxious when I think about the idea of not having access to clean water, and if where I live (which is arid, but I also live in a city) runs out of water what I'll do, especially with things getting more and more expensive in my city, where I feel I have a hard enough time getting by and trying to move forward. I think about this everyday at some point... There are many worries of this nature...

When writing, I find myself overly worried and concerned with the diversity of my vocabulary, trying to find this perfect balance that doesn't exist in the use of certain words.

I worry about things I love at some point getting old... it's irrational.

Then there's the worry about dependency and attachment, which contributes to curtailing doing what I want and love; the more something means to me the more of a struggle it generally is to interact with it.

Another way to acknowledge negativity bias is by noticing the inverse effect that I experience with some “happy” or positive things, wherein once experienced, I feel tremendous sadness instead of happy or positive. This can also be seen through the experience of usually not liking things that I happen to be good at, which I have memories of in my childhood. It's something I've never been able to explain.

It's painfully difficult to remember things fondly, so I tend to not try, which then impacts my memory as well.

My sense of well-being is rife with dread. I tend to feel that I'll never get ahead and move forward (and sometimes the thought will connect to the feeling that I “blew it” and missed my chance in college). I have very little hope that I will be able to acquire my own home in the state in which I live and ruminate on how society looks down on me because of that. I will say right here and now that that whole schema is asinine, but that doesn't make it any less prevalent in my mind. That's depressive thinking. I don't make a lot of money and always worry about the future.

I tend to think about death and dying often...

I've been told that I have a unique worldview in its breadth and depth, but that awareness eats away at a sense of hope in this world. Being more influenced by the negative, I feel that my awareness is negatively based in information of a more dour nature, and it's been a hard thing to shift.

It's really difficult to be able to observe the negative, unproductive, and irrational thought processes only to feel powerless to them, watching them like frames on the hamster-wheel it has me run in.

Dealing with all of this has dramatically hindered and prevented me from moving forward in life, sometimes starting at the genesis of consideration about a course of action. I feel like I haven't really been living. I've wanted to go back to school for a while, but until recently I was always stopped by the fact that I don't know how to pay for it and don't want to go in debt along with anxieties about how I don't feel good about my undergrad, so don't feel I'd fair well in post-graduate work, despite it being something that I really really want to do. The list of things affected is too long to share, but you may be able to imagine based on what has already been shared.

The entire situation makes me want to crawl in a hole and stay there. Everything seems to be “too much trouble” even if it's something that I enjoy and/or want.

It's simply hard when debilitating depression takes hold and consumes and paralyzes. It's a blinding darkness.

Socializing is not one of my strong suits. I try to always be kind and open, but I apparently have a habit of saying things that will go over many people's heads, which has been told to me and I've learned how to notice the signs and pick up on it. I don't know how to gauge the content and how appropriate what is shared may be relative to the audience receiving. I just share how I share. And I'm prone to feeling guilty in those instances. I feel like a lot of misunderstandings come from this, which I always try to rectify, but I still feel a weight from. I tend to also get bored in many social situations for several reasons, and I feel that these reasons are focused on more than anything else because I'm prone to picking up on the negative in a more sensitive way than the positive. That's something I have to actively focus on, but often get consumed by the opposite. Socializing takes a lot of energy for me. I tend to feel bad about it because people seem to like me and appreciate my presence, but it's really not always reciprocal. Part of the reason this also takes so much energy is that I make sure to put on the best front possible that also shows as much of me authentically without people having to deal with my baggage which is always there.

There's an instant tension and anxiety whenever I feel eyes are on me, which has gotten more intense with age in a few ways.

It doesn't help that I tend to be bored by most people as well as find them vapid, which may be influenced by depressive states by way of apathy as well as guilt because it's something I tend to feel guilty about. One of many instances where I repeatedly tell myself to get over myself, as if I'm not allowed the position that I have. I mean, we're all victims of circumstance, so that which I find boring or vapid may not be within another's control, and such views are subjective anyway...

Depression has a way of “picking a target” as I tend to say. Just something that may bother me in some way, whether slightly or greatly, and magnifies and intensifies my response to it allowing whatever to perturb and vex me. As mentioned earlier, I can actively acknowledge that I don't want to care that much about x, but yet there I'll be, doing whatever I can to keep it together, internally fretting and agitated, ridden with anxiety, and beginning to (if not already) stumble my way down the nefarious vortex.

Depression changes over time, which isn't surprising as the host changes over time as well. Some of what I've shared has either developed over time or has just become a component in my awareness within the scope of the overall issue.

I've become much more apathetic than I'd like it some manners. I'm always an empathetic person, but with respect to taking interest in things, whether old or new, I have to push against an apathy that is influenced by my fatigue, negativity bias, cognitive issues, nihilism, and an always low mood...

The way my mind gets warped and I become so anxious and obsessive thinking sets in I really do feel neurotic. For a very long time, I've felt “crazy.” It's hard not to... The irrationality and intensity is patently neurotic to me...

I feel I would be remiss if I neglected to acknowledge the reciprocal effect my philosophy, my contrarian and enigmatic natures, and desire for autonomy have with my depression. It's another great example of thought hijacking; how much of my positions are derived from my reasoning and intuition, and how much is influence by the depressive demon? The fact that I study, develop, and practice skepticism may be the best example to use here. Depression puts more weight on information that is derived from applying skepticism to myself (because according to my authentic standard, I am not off limits) which becomes destructive; too much of a good thing: too much questioning has led to too much self-doubt. It's a little disappointing when I'm not understood or cannot engage with people (or have them engage me) at the “depth” that is the most meaningful to me, which then becomes an expectation of my peers, inciting me to be less interactive, and depression keeps me spinning my wheels in this particular cage.

I tend to personify my depression because of how strategic its acts seem to be in keeping me down. It has a way of even pitting the positive things about oneself against them. It implants its own motives and energies into my already extant modes, methods, and manners of thoughts; it's taken a very long time to get to the point where I can parse many of my thoughts from what I feel are mine and what are more applicable with my depression, but there are still many thoughts and thought patterns wherein I'm still learning this.

In any particular instance in which some specific aspect about a depressive state or episode needs to be addressed, a careful analysis has to be performed. In the times where I feel I'm teetering off balance because of some depressive feeling it's important that I don't try to think my way out of it too much. But said feeling(s) will sooner or later influence my thinking, which creates a recursive thought loop that intensifies over time. If an effect is something that starts in my head, then I have to approach the instance in a different way. I can actually reason my way out of it often times, and it's important to engage and manage because if left unchecked it will influence how I feel, also creating an intensifying recursive cycle. A constant and consistent feedback loop.

Conclusion: To reiterate, this post is not about me. I am merely a host for an anecdotal example of one isolated case of severe and constant depression. What I encounter may not be encountered by all, and since we are all unique, it is expected that everyone who does encounter depression to be unique to them, severity aside; it's relative to what we are accustomed to in many ways.

For those who also cope with depression: It is my sincere hope that this helps you in a variety of ways. I would like this to be encouraging. Depressive states make it hard to think clearly and we can lose hope in being able to do so. In having this be as detailed as it is, I hope that you can see it's possible to be able to have the clarity of thought to be able to traverse this affliction. I will be frank, and say that I have very little hope personally, but that does not mean that I should give up and not continue to strive in this fight, because not having any hope that there is any beauty or light on this other side does not mean that there is no beauty or hope on the other side. There's a stark distinction between expectation and the “reality.” That said, no matter how desperate and hopeless things get or appear, always keep striving; never give up, never give in. Finally, I hope this helps others to be able to start putting their own experiences with depression into their own words. Being able to be discursive about this, even with ourselves, helps us to understand it better, in turn allowing us to take better courses for action, which leads to more growth and better management of this disorder.

For those supporting others with depression and those wanting to better understand: For individuals like you, I hope this can be a resource that you can come back to to help understand and better assist loved ones and those close to you in their personal wars. It's an internal galactic war for some. And for some it will last longer in the span of an individual's life than others. They will need your patience. They will need your imagination. They will likely drive you nuts with desperate stubbornness. Bear in mind, it's a reflex of what they are coping with. Sometimes the best you can do is to say nothing. If something is to be said, try to make sure you have the best understanding of their position before trying to verbally assist and explore. Be as receptive as you can. When a depressed individual is already feeling hopeless, any sense of them not being understood can lead to them shutting down and internally retreating. They feel enough disappointment as it is, so even a little bit feels like a lot. They are more likely to “give up” in many contexts and situations.

If you read this whole thing, thank you. The goal here is to spread awareness.

One love

Warmest of greetings to you my brother 🙏

Concerning the expectations and the feelings of underachieving, I believe the most important duty we have is that we have for ourselves. If we can heal one person, we can heal the world. That is enough. Healing the whole starts with healing the bit. Baby steps.

I remember one DMT vision I had, where a crowd of cartoonish figures was cheering me like in a sports contest "Go, go, you can do it" and I felt sad because I was feeling very fatigued and was afraid I am going to let them down. But they still cheered. I couldn't see it back then, but now I feel like fighting the good fight again. I wish to be in the crowd of the cheering entities for you my Voidmatrix ❤️

Hey VoidMatrix:

Very much relate to your troubles. I have no magic words that can even begin to address what you experience on a daily basis; anything that I would say to make you feel better would only sound like a bunch of Hallmark cards...

All I can really say is that I see you and I hear you.

Your dedication and contributions to the Nexus is one objective measure (even just counting the number of posts you make...taking into consideration the quality of your posts just confirms this even more) which shows you have worthwhile qualities in our objective reality regardless of what your mind is telling you.

Respect to you brother.

Thank you both very much for reading. I thought this would be a good exercise in spreading awareness through detailed specificity.

I also thank you for your kind words, encouragement, and sentiments. While my goal wasn't aiming for such, it's nevertheless helpful and tools that I can add to my repertoire and employ against my depressive thinking and states.

Writing this was a tough emotionally, but unexpectedly therapeutic.

I'm glad you found value in this.

Much love to you both

One love

Thank you Voidmatrix. I'm sure this post has been and will be helpful for many people. It surely has been for me.
<3

Thank you, CosmicRiver, humbly. I'm glad it was valuable and useful for you

One love

I recognize a lot of these things. I am often plagued by intrusive thoughts as well. There is something compulsive about them in that they're hard to resist.

There are many symptoms of depression that i've more or less managed to overcome, but ruminating over my own failures and other bad things is something that still happens to me every now and then.

You were one individual that I was curious about potential perspective and response to this.

And I agree, they're compulsive nagging nuisances.

One love

Well, it is relevant to add that, though i do still have these intrusive thoughts from time to time, they do not have the same impact on me they used to have.

And it is easier to stop it as well, when it happens.

But thinking is a strange phenomenon. Thoughts just pop up in our heads all the time, and we call it thinking, though we're never realy in full controll of it.

Some people, like buddhists, even believe that the best we can do, is not let our thoughts controll us.

I think i'm a bit more optimistic than those buddhists, but i have to admit that often, thoughts just appear in my head, with or without my full consent.

I feel like many don't really notice this... there's definitely limits to our inner control of thought.

Because I've been dealing with this so severely for so long, the Buddhist approach you've mentioned is very valuable to me. Learning to be with it all really increases resilience for me, despite how hard and painful it often is.

One love

Ill share a little bit about my story in hopes that in might be helpful for someone.

For me it was a lack of balance, went from what I would call narcissisim, perhaps mania, back to depression, the cycles used to last for years, and its only now that my self survives through the waves, through the ups and downs, if that makes any sense.

For you almost sounds like its set in stone though, and as much as I want to project my experience is yours, I can only accept that it might be different for you, for me it was a matter of waiting for the ripples to settle and trying to do anything about it was probably what was fueling it to begin with.

But thats what the mind does, its this little kid trying to stop the ripples with its bare hands.
Trying to prevent the bubbles from coming up to the surface, pushing them down, creating more in the process.
Because we believe that we are our mind, that our thoughts are ours, and then at some point we tell ourselves that they are not, just to end up believing that thought.
Its fire trying to stop a fire.
A self-aware paradox.

Some of the key findings that I got was a fundamental lack of acceptance, shame and something more interesting, a lot of bottled up anger that was being directed towards the self behind the scenes, it had to go somewhere.
Going through all my childhood traumas definately helped, thats where the seed was planted for me, so did learning to feel my emotions.

Learning to accept yourself is not easy, its a sacrifice.
Because those feelings might be right, maybe we are worthless and unlovable, it can definately feel that way, and so I chose to not take my chances.


And I dont say this from the other side, I guess thats the point, there is no other side, as long as I believed that I should be different, I couldnt be myself, and its only now in retrospect that I can forgive myself for taking that path, because I do blame myself for taking it.

Thank you for sharing, ShadedSelf. This is a great example of the differentiation and nuance endemic to what is coined as depression.



While I'm not psychic and can't tell the future, I can't say that this will be my experience for the rest of my life, though I am prepared for that eventuality due to how long this has been part of my life journey. I try to always keep some semblance of hope because if I don't I only solidify the idea of depression always being extant.

I do appreciate your analogy with water and this experience in that I feel like it's an accurate reflection of the way it can feel; many times when a major depressive episode is coming on I'll say, "a wave is coming on." It's reflective of the sea of consciousness we are immersed in.



You shared a lot of wisdom, ending it with this gem. I focus a great deal on better management of the overall issue, because the expectation that it'll go away or ever be gone can only lead yo disappointment and defeat.

One love

[A permutation of this has possibly been shared above (I haven'tread the above in a while). The way I'm perceiving this now makes me want to share. Don't worry, this will be short ]

Sharing a current focus (and again, simply as a resource and helpful information), that has me somewhat beating my head against a wall... though it's kind of interesting at the same time.

Im realizing, perhaps more than ever, the felt "impossibility" of providing myself positive sentiments that I "believe" and "trust." Anytime I do, an algorithm begins running that is steeped in infinite regress where I keep trying to justify a previous postulate of a positive sentiment. Simultaneously another algorithm begins running that is predicated on invalidation: A positive sentiment can be provided (whether internally or externally), and my mind (or my depression) begins to find ways in which x sentiment may not be true.

There's some hypocrisy here as well, seeing as the negation and invalidation of positive sentiments terminates at some point, not approaching infinite regress. Such a hypocritical and contradictory functioning also shows the appeal towards negativity bias.

Lastly, there's a felt sense that telling myself positive things about myself and allowing positive sentiments in provided by others is categorically wrong, which of course is untrue, but the thought and feelings are heavy and present nonetheless.

All a work in progress.

Love you all.

One love

One other thing I'd like to add to the above (as I am still in a discovery process in working on something specific) is a connection between negativity bias (paying attention to and being more affected by "negatives" and aversion to goodness/happiness. Difficulty in seeing myself positively and believing positive sentiments that I attempt to tell myself is impacted by both of these elements and is a bit of a catch-22. The negativity bias influences one to reflexively observe negatives once a positive is applied, while the aversion to good sees positive sentiments as a way to set oneself up for a fall, seeing the overall context as tee for something bad to happen immediately thereafter. They're both irrational, but often even realizing that isn't enough; it's only half the battle.

I tend to feel a bit of self-consciousness in sharing this because in a sense I'm talking about myself. But much of what I've shared has taken me a long time to understand, identify and be able to express in a dialectical way. I want this to be a shortcut for people that also deal with depression as well as those that help others with depression. Sorry to keep reiterating, it's just important to me that this be known.

One love