Hello friends.
I had to stop taking DMT more than 3 years ago because I started to have psychotic symptoms. During the month before it happened, I had been smoking changa (rarely vaporizing DMT by itself) two or three times every day, which is a lot for me.

My last experience felt like a return to the realm I had previously visited on ayahuasca. I recall the sensation of being freed from the psychological / spiritual weight I was carrying by a female loving presence. She told me that I already had the things I was looking for and that there was no need to keep searching. The emotions I felt were very profound and made me cry (I usually can't cry even in the saddest situations) and I decided not to take DMT again.
Nevertheless, I believe the damage had already been done and on the following days I had moments in which reality felt ethereal, as if everything was made of thin air. I had to stay focused on some detail, otherwise my mind would wander and reality would disappear.

Things kept getting worse until I couldn't stay grounded in reality for more than a few seconds at a time. My mind was constantly racing to the point I wasn't able to read a book quote to its end without forgetting how it started.
During the day I couldn't leave my house because I was terrified by any kind of noise, music or bright light. Then every night I felt extremely cold and weak, the same way being about to faint feels like.

I believed that the world was inhabited by demonic forces which, through the sounds and all the other things that bothered me during the day, were making me physically sick.
Eventually I was afraid to get asleep, because I believed that if I did it the world I knew would disappear and I would get trapped in another dimension. So I would stay awake as long as I could and the sleep deprivation made things worse.
All of this lasted for about 1 month, then slowly things got better.

In these 3+ years I have never thought about vaporizing DMT, but suddenly the last few days I have been feeling the desire to trip again, because I feel like I'm missing out on something. This feeling hasn't yet subsided and the only thing that's keeping me from doing it is the fear that what I wrote above could happen again.
What would you do if you were in my situation? Or have you ever had a similar experience you feel comfortable sharing?

I guess the biggest question is how are you feeling after 3 years away?

If you're back to "normal" one journey may not hurt. However I'd recommend moderation, because while the DMT molecule is relatively benign compared to other drugs, journeying that often everyday will take a toll, as you have already experienced. I'd also recommend becoming intimately close and connected to your reasons and intents for interacting with the spice.

Did you see a mental health professional to help you through your trials?

One love

Thank you Voidmatrix for your reply

During that period I couldn't see anyone. I only took benzodiazepines a couple of times (literally) just to get knocked out and stop my racing thoughts. (I already had them at home because of anxiety but rarely took them because I don't like how they make me feel.)
When I started to feel better I did see a mental health professional, but he wasn't able to tell me much about the situation. He said episodes like the one I had can happen to anyone who gets exposed to certain triggers, even without a genetic predisposition to mental illness.

I have never experienced anything like that since then, but I don't know if I can rule out the possibility of genetic predisposition and this is something that makes me nervous about taking DMT.

My intent has always been self-exploration. But sometimes I just told myself it was for that reason when instead I was just seeking the feelings of euphoria and connection with others that psychedelics can give.
For sure I will follow your advice and try to understand my true intents, before I decide what to do.

Does anyone else in your family have a history with psychosis and psychotic states?



Definitely understandable. In my experience, the honesty with ourselves is the most important thing to producing a balanced and mindful approach to working with the spice. And, while this is still something I'm learning, having a little fun with it isn't a bad thing. Just be ready to do the work when the time comes. Some of my less pinpointed intents are "being," "to commune," 'to see what you have to show me," 'to learn to allow myself," etc. Now, to be fair, these are often coupled with some other intent because I rarely have just one reason for being in the space. I have also approached the spice as something to build a relationship with, and as of now, it's a bond. So, in short, your intents will be intimately yours.

Lastly, if you do decide to try again, start low to limit safety concerns

One love

Sound advice from Voidmatrix there for you my friend.

If you do decide it is right for you, make sure you have a positive mindset beforehand.
I think fearful emotions before taking dmt can lead to a bad trip sometimes, I feel your emotions and intentions do guide your experiences somewhat.

Just my thoughts, all the best to you bud

Thank you Voidmatrix and PsychedelicReality, you have been very helpful
I kept thinking about it but after talking to you I decided to take it easy and try to understand better my relationship with DMT, what I've learnt and what I'm seeking.

Edit: I forgot to reply to this question:
To my knowledge, none of my relatives.

That's cool, you won't find a more helpful community imho

You are obviously very self aware so I think you will innately know when the time is right,
good luck

when nature calls