I do not know where to begin with this, but here goes. I've reached a point in which I am convinced that we are all doomed to live this never ending cycle: Come to realizations, act on such realizations, feel as if things are getting better, BAM; wall. Right at the point that there may be some meaning shining through, everything falls down around us.

I used to think it was because I wasn't doing the right things, so I revamped my life. Did everything "right". Got to know myself spiritually, corrected the things in my life that seemed like they were the problem. Then.... right back to zero. Try again....again....again... and again... more times that I can count at this point. All with the same outcome. The facade of progress only for life to rip me back down and show me that I am nothing and never will be anything of substance. Just a pile of insurmountable dreams inside an incapable meat suit.

It happens like this over and over and over again. I get to this point to where I almost believe that things are finally going the right way. Only to be shown that I am and never will be worthy of true happiness. People say put in the work and good things will come, but the more work that I put in, the further I feel from where I want to be. The feeling of unworthiness is overwhelming. I was happier drowning myself in drugs and alcohol to the point of catatonia.

The more awake I become, the more bleak things seem. The more focused I am on becoming better, the more I realize that no matter how much better I become, that life will not coincide.

I don't know if I am trying to ask a question, here, or if I am just attempting to get something off of my chest. I'm going to try a new diet in January. Not so much to help me mentally, but to drop my covid weight and to hopefully alleviate some inflammation due to a herniated disk in my lumbar. But at this point I don't have very high hope for anything. I've never been suicidal, but at this point, I wouldn't have the least bit of an issue if I just curled up and died in my sleep tonight.

It's not that I don't have good things in my life. It is more that I am unable to enjoy these things because there is always a caveat. Always a proverbial "raining on my parade", as it were. It is at the point to where I don't even enjoy the good things because I am always just waiting for the ball to drop on it all.

I don't mean to be a downer. or to whine. I just don't know where else to go with these feelings. There is no good feeling that goes unpunished for me and it almost feels like my past sins will not allow me to find that happy, productive groove that most people are able to settle into in their lives.

Dude! It's so good to see you! I've been thinking a lot about you, wanting to reach out having a feeling something was up, but uncertain it would reach you because I haven't seen you here and this is the only platform that I am in contact with you.

First, sending you love.

Second, I identify with a great deal of this and deal with it still but have moved on to some degree, because it's all symtptomatic of depression or a depressive disorder.

There's these caveats to even the good things because part of the seeming paradox of life and existence is that everything is a double edge. I feel the paradox "too much of a good thing" is a great indicator of this.

Your eyes are open in a different and more expansive way, so in some sense, you're seeing the joke of it all. The meaning found it the seemingly meaningless.

I think shifting your perspective some could help you as well. For example, consider that if the time of the universe were a clock, the time in which humanity has existed in it is less than a second, so regardless of accolades, accoplishments and innovations that many go for in their lives, how much does any of it really matter? In the grand scheme, the best of us mean nothing to some extent through a certain scope.

You're doing well by doing all that you can externally to help yourself, and I think now is a good time to maintain those changes and turn inward, noticing how you think, and finding out what expectations and such you may have that could be hindering you from feeling happy and more satisfied in your life. And while doing so, focus on the beauty of the little things and just chop wood and carry water for a while.

And look at how society has conditioned you and how that affects you. The idea of progress is a great one. Do we really need to be moving through life at the pace that we do for the sake of progress, allowing ourselves to be blinded by some of the beauty that can be experienced through this existence?

And I don't think anyone here would look down on you. We have all had tough times in one way or another and many of us come to this forum to heal, and to help heal.

Feel free to PM me. You know I'll go back and forth with you with authenticity, honesty, and thoughtful support.

One love

In my native language patience means literally "the capacity to suffer".

It's not that you are just obliged to wait and suffer but if you are able to endure the suffering, eventually things will change. It doesn't necessarily make things better, but it opens up new opportunities.

Seeking happiness often backfires, because happiness comes and goes. Living a satisfactory life is more about coming into terms with the difficult aspects of life. Then when happiness comes, you can welcome it as a guest, knowing, it won't stay forever.

Lots of love and endurance to you, ShamanisticVibes!

First of all I want to say that I enjoy reading your posts. You have a unique take on things that would be sorrowfully missed if you were to leave this forum/world.



This is one of the thoughts that I have. Especially after studying Buddhism and Hinduism. In both religions you are subject to the infinite cycle of life. Until you are resolute enough to abandon your desires and achieve the insight of liberation. Meaning in those religions ultimately lead toward the liberation of the person. I have personally used this thinking to create my own positive cycles that lead toward the better of my self (physically,mentally, and spiritually).



I am glad that you made this post because it is a sign that you are hurting and could use help. My DM's are always open if you want to talk one on one.



First of all I don't know your situation so I can't be to detailed. But perhaps you are putting in effort in the wrong areas. Achieving true happiness is something that everyone struggles with. Most times in my life I am just okay. I am fine with being just okay.

It seems like its one event that makes you go from groovy to depressed. Could you give more insight into this?



What does better mean? Recently my family has suffered a fire. After such an extremity my outlook has changed. It has become more focused on survival. What it takes to actually live day to day. Why I want to live and for what purposes.

My answer is that it takes food, shelter, cooperation, clean water, heat, sense of security,proper health, and a profession that I feel is ethical.



Sucks to hear about the herniated disk. I think the best time to start a diet is now. I have been on one for about a year and a half. Nothing fancy just a calorie restricted diet. If you want any advice in this area I could help.



It sounds like you are in a depressive mood. Based on your previous posts I don't think you are like this all the time. Do you have any personal friend or family members that you could talk to?

Whatever your faith is. Have a Merry Christmas.

Are you having a dark night of the soul? Because it sounds like it....

Perhaps your breakthrough is near. That's usually what they describe before the egg cracks.

I think that i have felt in a similar way in the past but can you give an example of what would give you happiness?

It looks like you already got some great responses, but I have often felt the same, and wanted to reach out. I think the world can sometimes be a disappointment to those who are viewing things from a somewhat elevated state. Having an open heart and compassionate sensibilities can really aggravate our sense of fairness when it’s not reciprocated.

I find it helpful to think of all those folks out there who are fixating on accumulating, and looking at kindness as a signal to be opportunistic and predatory, as just immature beings that the rest of us can shepherd along the best we can.

And, of course it’s very important to remember that emotional states can self perpetuate and amplify via associative thoughts. One disappointment can remind us of everything we associate with disappointment and darken our perception. It can be a difficult cycle to break, but these states are navigable. You demonstrate a lot of capacity and I’m certain you can shift your focus and find your way out of this maze.

Happiness is being with those you love.

That is it.

I'm not sure if this is exactly what you're talking about, but for me personally there has always been a constant underlying feeling of 'not yet' throughout daily life. It's an underlying assumption that the reality you face day to day is not the 'real deal', or something subpar, and that the resolution of this feeling must come through some kind of effort of your own, after which you will have reached 'it', the thing itself. Personally, I'm almost certain that this is an itch that can never be scratched, except very occasionally when you get very very lucky , and even when you do, the next day whatever you've grasped will be gone, without doubt. It seems to me that this tendency of the mind to grasp after something apparently not within reach is just a fact, just the same as the fact that you will ultimately continue to breathe, or that your heart will continue to beat, and so on. It's just something inherent to the mind that has to be negotiated, not overcome. Of course, this isn't to say that you shouldn't strive for anything just because it won't scratch that fundamental itch, because of course there are usually things that one can change that will make one happier, but it should be kept in mind that this anticipation of some 'ultimate relief' inherent to the mind cannot be gratified. We'll always just be chasing after its shadow, which is all well and good. Thousands of generations of past humans seemed to have managed it just fine

Regardless... there's always reason to hope that things will get better, or at least change in some sort of satisfactory manner. The dynamic nature of reality is something that can always be relied on.

Either way, I hope this response has been of some help. Thanks for sharing

Hi Buddy,

It is good that you posted. I think some people's lives are doomed in this way. There are just so many forces to overcome, external and internal. Physical and supernatural. Forces we can't see could be holding us back. Some situations may be insurmountable for some people. However, given that you are here, this doesn't have to be you.

You have the toolset to overcome the insurmountable. To lose a limb and still get up fighting. To end up wrinkled and grey with a sparkle in your eye. A true warrior who shakes off pain as fast as possible and says 'more please' to get back in action.

The solution is to NEVER GIVE UP. Never. That's all. Make that a core value of yours - I will never give up. Even if you end up gnarled and limping through life - you lived what you believe. Even if you have to do it as an ef you to the world.

I came pretty close to suicide after a series of huge failures. For whatever reason, I woke up feeling better a day before putting the plan into action (I give credit to the spirit world for giving me good dreams and vibes). After that, on the 1000th try, what finally helped me was to make a pivot. For me it was switching to work in corporate to non profit. In doing so I decided to put values over money and make less of an income. That was a huge shift for me and I ended up finding up what I wanted all along - professionally and emotionally. This was after barely limping along for years. To be honest I also discovered witchcraft and did various spells on auspicious days for about a year before things clicked.

In conclusion, don't give up. Adversity makes you stronger! Please read those over and over.

You are going to be a steely warrior after this and life is probably preparing something huge that requires further evolution. Don't give up! Also, remember you are in the difficult part. Once things click it becomes a lot easier. You probably deserve more credit for trying hard and doing the right thing than someone who has got it figured out.

I like to channel a bee - ruthlessly pursuing flower after flower until finding the perfect one then drilling down until that problem is solved, then onto the next one. Try and appreciate getting good at the challenge of solving problems and don't be afraid to get help, I have seen therapists for years and gotten insight that set me on the right track. Someone who knows you well might know a good direction to take.

I missed this first time around. Many of your statements could have come from me, albeit much less eloquently and far less poetic in nature. Incapable meatsack? I can empathize, bruh.

I am going to do thing I do worst and talk about me in relation to your post. I suffer from OSS- other shoe syndrome, something I made up and self diagnosed. It is the nature to expect the worst when things start going well. And when they don't and continue being OK due to dilligence and action, then it goes all south anyway in the head and I begin MAKING things bad.

I mean really man, I couldn't ask for more than I have now ( well, I can and certainly DO, but stay with me) but I don't sleep well and torture myself with thoughts of possible griefs and sufferations that may come down the pike. I just cannot be "happy" and I am trying to be OK with that and just let that be my nature. My only goal is to be OK not being OK.

What do you mean when you say ? Are you speaking of your own fears and feelings or of actual events which occur outside of your control? Because for me, one can lead to the other.


Can empathize with this too. But were you? Sometimes that certainty is what I crave. I mean everyday I woke up with purpose: hustle and score. I knew what to expect, and even though the pain was unbearable I knew how to get things done. Now, there are so many variables- other people and thier needs,values and expectations of me, responsibiliies that I fear I am inadequate to meet often, and that burden of self-care to keep my leaking brain intact. It absolutely f###in sucks sometimes man. But jeez, would you really be happier ripping and running? I know I wouldnt- and would prolly end up dead sooner than later considering the crap out there these days.

Be good to you man. That is literally the only thing to do. You reached out here, glad you did. Find support, you deserve it.

The entire OP hit too close to home. This has been a significant problem in my life, and still is somewhat. There are certain mindsets and perspectives one can adopt to make existence far more tolerable.


Hitting walls are good. It means you are encountering new obstacles (or the same old ones). Growth does not come easy. If it did, no one would ever grow.


"The facade of progress". It often feels like it, but that's only because we don't zoom out enough. If you have a long and thick beard, you are not going to notice an extra centimeter of growth. Clean shaven, on the other hand, the progress is very noticeable. Similarly, new parents often don't notice the growth of their kids, but their friends and family do.

If you feel like you're trying and failing constantly, then you are in the throes of learning. Mastery of a discipline comes from learning and forgetting, over and over again.


"I am and never will be worthy of true happiness", this was my mantra for years. Self-hatred, self-loathing and self-deprecation were my closest companions. I held these 3 close to my heart as a coping mechanism for my shortcomings.

"It's ok if i'm shit at this, i don't deserve good things". "There's no point in trying to improve myself, i'm incompetent anyway".

Do these sound familiar?

Over time, i forced myself to see these 3 aspects of myself as a toxic friend, only wanting to bring you down to their level. These perspectives do not serve anyone, and never will. There is only one variant of this thinking that actually is beneficial; negative visualisation. This is a tactic used by the Stoics. This is what i eventually turned the 3 negative aspects into, and is worth investigation if you are struggling with hopelessness.

Anticipate the worst (but don't dread about it), because chances are it won't happen most of the time. This can leave you in a state of perpetually being pleasantly surprised that the day went well or even average.


"...the more I realize that no matter how much better I become...". You just admitted that you are getting better. Constantly aiming to be better is a better target than the desired end result. Making progress takes time, dedication and discipline. Be gentle with yourself, and realise that so long as you are constantly practicing or progressing, then you are already way ahead of other people who are not consistent with their healthy habits. More importantly, you will be constantly conquering yourself by choosing to take the hard path.


I know this feeling all too well. Instead of waffling on, here's a recommendation. The youtube channel "Einzelgänger" is incredibly helpful with tackling these thoughts of negativity.

True happiness is for children and very old people. The rest of life is supposed to be difficult so we can remember our childhood fondly as a comparison and finally not worry about anything as we are waiting to die.

The fact that you are suffering now means it's not the end. Try to allow yourself to feel the brief bubbles of happy that float by. The fact that another knock down is invariably coming should not stop that. We need the contrast otherwise a constant happiness replaces base emotional state and becomes benign.

Oh, and most of us humans are not permanently content, that only an outside perspective.

I just want to say thank you to all of you for the extremely kind words. As someone here put it, I was going through something like "a dark night of the soul". I was trapped in a dead end relationship, in a dead end home, in what seemed like, was doomed to be a dead end life. My S.O. had never even attempted to validate my love for my plants and animals; making me somewhat indifferent to them, myself. I was very much treated like a butler, and not a significant other. To top all of that off, she was sneaking behind my back and smoking crack, meth, and taking pain pills. Some of you know that, of course, opioids were my drug of choice and essentially were one wrong move away from ending my life. All of this was too much for me to bear and the time, and I was terrified to leave and strike out on my own again after another 4 years wasted on getting to know someone. I look back on it now, and I don't see it as a waste. It built me up to the strong individual I have become today, and without the trials and tribulations I have experienced in the last year, I don't believe I would be as strong as I am today.



We've spoken about this privately, but I'd like to address it publicly as well. I have spent a LOT of time turning inward, and getting to know myself again. I left my SO, and moved into a caretaker position at my boss' father's old house. He passed away from covid 14 months ago and the house had fallen into even further disrepair than it had been before he passed. The structure is in great shape, but the inside needs full remodel/refurbish. It's on a couple of acres 7 miles from the nearest store, so there has been quite the excess of alone time, which has allowed me to get to know myself better. I've learned that while I should have goals and expectations, if I'm not enjoying the journey, is the destination really worth it? I am staying here in exchange for the work being done so that I can save money to buy my own property. I've already been approved for a first time homeowner loan, I just need to save 7% of the total cost of the home. I'm very excited at the opportunity I've been given here.



My deepest and sincerest thanks to you, Tom! When I first made the leap, I came here and revisited this thread, and your words here really resonated with me. Happiness would not be the same without unhappiness. And in that sense, the natural movement would be fluctuating. I sat and thought about this for several hours. I used to have this idea in my mind that I would eventually achieve this state of being where I am consistently happy every minute of every day. The natural state of balance in the world makes this a near impossibility, and if it were possible, would it even be all it's cracked up to be? "The capacity to suffer", eh? I've never had very much patience, but it is something that I have been working on and I am getting better. Thanks again for the kind words, the well-wishes, and the philosophy. It has meant more to me than you can imagine.




More than one event, as I mentioned above. The old adage "when it rains, it pours", comes to mind. I got more into this in the above paragraphs. Better, to me, means not acting impulsively,staying healthy in all facets, being sustainable/sustained (food, water, shelter, etc), treating my fellow humans with love and compassion, giving back as much as I take; or balance, and a sense of accomplishment in life; or knowing that I've put in a proper effort in order to earn my spot on this earth.

I do have friends and family members to talk to, but I find it hard talking about these feelings with them. Especially my parents. I don't want to give them any reason to worry about me. They've had to worry about me enough in my younger days, with the terrible decisions I had made.



That I was, my friend. You couldn't have been more spot on. And now I've had my breakthrough Thank you for bringing this to light. I was unaware what a dark night of the soul even was, and I had to google it when I first read it, but it was a perfect description of how I felt. Thank you





This is very true, and is something that I've been able to recognize with your help. I have found that as the disappointment compounded, that I was taking it all on at once, which can seem insurmountable to overcome. Thank you for the kind words, friend.




Unfortunately, it was the person I loved who was causing a large degree of the pain. That doesn't mean that you're wrong. I've been learning how to be okay within my own company. I love myself, and that should be enough. Once I learn to love being alone with myself, I will return to surrounding myself with the people that I love. My issue is that I sometimes develop a different identity by surrounding myself with too many people that I love. To the fault of losing the person I am inside; the person that I love.



I agree. This is another one of the comments on this thread that I re-read over and over and over again. I wanted the wisdom within it to soak as deep into my psyche as possible. I mentioned somewhere above that happiness comes in waves. If it didn't there would not be balance, and would it really be happiness without the sadness? To me, happiness is the feeling of accomplishment after completing a difficult task. It's the look on your dog's face when he's super excited. It's cooking a meal for your loved ones knowing that you grew and raised that food sustainably yourself. It's a 5 second orgasm, or a strip of perfectly cooked bacon. It's watching that seed go from a tiny speck to a huge pepper plant. It's watching the mushrooms seemingly be born overnight. These are totally attainable, but as you said, they fade quickly. I need to learn to accept the waves. Know that there will always be peaks and valleys, and to accept that, gratefully. I always liked the old adage "everything always works out in the end, and if it's not working out, it's not the end". I think I lost that somewhere in the last decade, and it's up to me to find it again. I'm working on it. Always a work in progress.


To be continued......

I'm discovering that I do have the tool set. I didn't think I did before, but I do. I have been for the last few months repeated that mantra: "Never give up." I keep repeating to myself that everyone fails 100% of the time until they succeed, and where the world would be if people like Albert Einstein, or Elon musk would quit after they failed a few times. Not that I think I will have any sort of an impact on the world that is even close to theirs. But I can have an impact on my family, and my community, and that's okay with me.




Firstly, I like relatable stories. It builds a rapport and also gives me the "fly on the wall" effect. Where I can see how certain situations are handled by other people. So please don't ever feel the need to stifle yourself. Share your stories. I appreciate them.

I was speaking of both. But the situations I thought were out of my control were well within it. I was afraid of being alone. Afraid of failure. Hell, a fear of success. I'm overcoming these fears, and taking control of my life.

Again, to be continued......

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head here. I let things snowball emotionally until the weight is too much and let myself crumble. I shut down. Alienating everything and everyone and blinding myself with distraction. I started to go down that path shortly after the OP, but I caught myself in the descent and made the changes necessary. But that does not stop the "mantras" as you put it, from trying to infiltrate my thoughts when I'm lying in bed late at night.


As far as hitting walls, I never quite looked at it that way. Nothing good is ever easy, right? Maybe I'm getting too worked up about things in the short term. I mean, relatively, in the last 3 years I've grown more than I had as a person in the previous 20. 3 years ago I was a man-child junkie, going nowhere in life. I now own a vehicle, have held a job for longer than I have in my entire life. I have positive work relationships. I'm a great dog dad. And I'm well on my way to being a tax paying property owner in the U.S. Thinking about how people in some other countries have it, they would see me as a fricken lottery winner. I sometimes forget to have perspective, but I'm working on it. There's a bunch of other nice stuff I said about myself too. Trying to do that more often, thank you for helping me realize how important it is to talk yourself up. To motivate yourself. I have a bad habit of requiring another person to motivate me, when I have all of the motivation I need within. That will be another thing on my list of stuff to work on. I appreciate you, friend.





I've never thought of it that way but it makes a lot of sense. I have a habit of allowing the negative to rule me in my life. I'm learning how to focus on the here and the now, and to be stalwart in my convictions. Stand my ground, while also remaining positive. Accepting that there will always be negative, and living with it. This does not mean I need to abandon my hopes and my dreams, but simply to allow life to move on at its own pace. If I put my mind to it, and I keep it in the forefront of my thoughts, put in the work, keep my nose clean and save the money. It's inevitable that I will get where I am going, so what's the point in stressing about the duration of the journey. Just enjoy the journey, and don't miss the forest for the trees. Thank you for your words. It surely is not the end. I often forget that people have inner thoughts that they don't wear on their faces. And that even the people who have it together by the optics are still lost a good percentage of the time. I admire them and would like to emulate their strength. Another thing for me to work on.


Thank you to everyone here. I can't even begin to state how much you all helped. I've now re-read each of them 4-5 times. When I first read them last week, I was brought to tears. I couldn't believe how much a bunch of strangers on the internet were resonating with me, and had felt the same as I. You are all a very special group of folks and y'all have my undying gratitude. I hope I was able to respond to you all in a way that you could feel that. I'm in a much better place now than I was a week ago, and that is thanks to all of you. I am forever grateful.


-SV

Very happy to hear you picked up the mantra Maximizing impact is everything <3 I'm sure that's how Einstein and Musk started.

Thank you ShamanisticVibes for your sincerity. That alone makes the world a better place. 🙏

Boy do i know this feeling of late. I think that is why so many spiritual healers, shamans, clinical psychologists, therapists all recommend a contemplative practice to go along with psychedelic use. It seems that the degree of awareness and/or esoteric/ambiguous knowledge passed on through psychedelic states seem to convey and implicit immunity to the traps of the capitalistic ego driven machine that is modern society.

Meditation helps one feel internally fulfilled. but theres a massive fricken problem... it takes awhile to learn to ride the bike of the mind in that way. It takes hours and hours of forced sitting. BUT, recent studies show that microdoses or small doses of psychedelics aid meditation practices in the ways you can imagine.

I think that is why so many people on meditation retreats or who seek a spiritual path are broken in some way or have some trauma or life circumstance which has made them feel despondent and see the world as being bleak. I can't speak for myself but i do see the path to fulfillment, getting there... well that's another story which either requires discipline or assistance with psychedelics to make you sit... the... fuck... down... and stop yearning for all this bullshit around you that is but a temporary fleeting pleasure. That being said, it is remarkable to watch a sunrise, or the blades of grass glistening with dew, or wind in the trees.