This will most likely devolve into a ramble, but here it goes. I go by Koduckushi. Partly as a joke, partly as a promise to myself and loved ones. It's a mash-up of duck and a Japanese word "kodokushi." It describes a phenomenon (not solely isolated to japan) in which someone passes on to the next life without being found for weeks or months due to their own isolation. That isolation is either self inflicted, or they truly just have no one left that would miss their absence.

I hold this moniker near and dear. The promise I keep to myself by holding this name is to not let myself or those close to me fall victim to it.

I was in quite the dark place not too long ago. On the razors edge of my sanity and entertaining a truly grim mindset. A close family friend stepped in and helped my in my time of need. I was introduced to spice and it opened me up to such beauty. My inability to accurately describe what it has given me leaves me (in some ways) more confused than before trying to travel through the gates of hyperspace.

These unyielding, and mind bending experiences I have had (in my opinion) saved my life. I respect Spice with utmost sincerity. My love extends to everyone around me, eventhough they may annoy me throughout my day to day. My respect goes out to all those who have ventured beyond the material plane.

I think I seek inner peace, Or at least an understanding of the self typing these words.

Thank you all for taking the time to read these meager words and I hope that they may resonate with someone. You are loved, you are lauded, you are the limitless expanse.

Until next time we meet, take care of yourself.

Sounds like a pretty cool family friend! I have gone through similar experiences of being on the razor's edge of sanity and psychedelics showing me there's a different way to be in the world. There's a possibility for hope. Not saying it's going to be easy, but the possibility is there.

For me, the hardest part is keeping these things in mind throughout my everyday life. So often life gets so overwhelming and irritating that the psychedelic insights get drowned out from all the background noise. Big leaps followed by small steps. Lots of falling on my face.

I don't know much, but am glad that you have found hope through DMT. Your hope gives me hope!

I feel that. I'm in the same boat. The insights are hard to hold sometimes. Life is tough.
I have an iron grip on the knowledge that there is still more to see in this life. I'm not yet ready to go.

We must endure the stumbles to revel in the clarity.


I always wonder if I'm taking away the right lessons.
My girlfriend says that at the very least I'm asking the right questions to have that fear.


Thanks for responding. I'm here if you need a friend, or at the very least, a sympathetic ear.

Nice to meet you.

I think you'll eventually find what you're seeking if you simply go with the flow.

Your story is why I do guide-work for people. Very beautiful, vulnerable, and wonderful share.

How many times have you journeyed since coming across the spice?

Having persistent depression myself, psychedelics have done very much the same for me, and continue to, despite the obstacles sometimes in my way of journeying.

"Life is striving" (instead of suffering, which striving can entail).

It's a pleasure to meet you.

One love

I'd say I've made about a half dozen attempts at a full breakthrough. Ballpark figure of about 20 to 40 trips to the gates to simply gaze up in wonderment.

I have a gvg, but only after genuinely feeling like a fool for not knowing how to enter hyperspace with it, do I think I truly have a grasp on how to use it.

I'll have an attempt tonight in earnest. I'll write up a report if I can get there (or even remember it for that matter).

Thank you for the kind words.

On a side note, what's guide work? I imagine its guided meditation essentially but does that work with spice? Sufficient dosage leaves one unaware to even listen right? Set me straight if I've got the wrong idea, I'm just curious

Hahaha you're right for the most part, though I've had journeyers speak to me and my archetypes directly. Guide-work is really a kind of psychedelic facilitation. With DMT it entails talking about goals and intents relative to the experience, creating a safe and receptive setting, calming the journeyer to promote a calm set, guided meditation to prepare for the experience, their journey, and then integration dialogue at the end to help them figure out and assess and interpret their experience. There's also followup integration and check in. I do this with cannabis and mushrooms as well, though I do the most guidework with DMT. I try to bring as much awareness to the space as possible.

Looking forward to hearing how your journey goes

One love

Whoa boy. That was a wild ride. Still didn't make it, but I for sure have the technique down now. Sitter helped me with a torch lighter. One hit and I was no longer on earth. I dont remember much aside from aside from peace and confusion. At some point I thought "I exist, I have thoughts, I am alive" I came back (albeit, still only one foot in and out of the other side).

I remember apologizing. Far too much. I felt like a complete idiot, I didn't even think to exist. My girlfriend took a short video of me to show me afterward. I just kept repeating "holy [explitive]! I'm an idiot. I finally figured it out". As strange as it sounds, it was peaceful. The perfect clarity of knowing that I'm not alone in the world and that I thought myself back into reality. I'm so genuinely happy to have the people around me that I do.

I wish I could be more descriptive, but its all such a blur, and I'd risk collapsing into a repetitive existential confusion. I dont know much, but I know I'm alive and real.

Thank you all. Life is love, and I am one with it.

Wonderful! Congrats!

How are you presently feeling?

One love

Befuddled in a word. While I truly appreciate what I was presented with, I find it extremely difficult to reclaim the peace I felt in the presence of that unwavering otherness. Being OK with myself out here seems harder. I do not wish to abuse the beauty and serene "floating on a river" feeling it often gives me.

I'm scared that I won't be able to combine the me within my mind, and the me who observes and helps guide my waking actions. The peace I feel after coming back fades back into the recesses of my thought scaffolding, and I tend to lapse back into the anxiety and constant worry that plagues me daily.

I fear that I won't (and don't) live up to the expectations of the inner child that lashes out within. I'm unable to give myself slack. Over analytical and harsh toward my failings. I try, I really do, but I can't reconcile the disparity between the two sides of myself.

I apologize, I don't mean to make this post sound like "oh, woe is me..." I have a stable job, a tight support network, and a desire to live. Things are just hard right now. I'm sure that this too will pass, but the questions will remain. I can only hope that one day I can answer them for myself.

I definitely feel like I need to step away from it for a minute. I don't feel as though the lesson it tried to teach me has revealed itself. There is a spark, but it isn't fully formed yet. I will continue to learn from you wonderful people, and try to figure out what it is that I need to learn.

What do you consider a "breakthrough"? If you really want it to be stronger, I'd suggest 20 to 30mg of harmalas orally about 30 minutes before the DMT, or smoke the harmalas with the DMT.

While you may not be able to assimilate all of the experience into your mind, it remains a part of your essence, similar to most other experiences we have.

Questions help us strive. While it may be hard, it'll induce growth, and growth is good. And I feel you and feel for you. And don't worry about the "woe is me" part. There are plenty of us that share what's hard for us (myself included). It's okay to be vulnerable.

A little self-forgiveness and self-grace can go a long way, though it takes practice and persistence.

As for the lapsing effects of the experience and deterioration of the afterglow, try being very mindful of the form and connotation of your thought patterns when in the afterglow and try to produce them after it has passed. Again, takes practice.

And it's good to here you're being thoughtful about time to integrate. Something that I consider very important, and feel is often overlooked.

You'll tread your path and get there in time

One love

From what I've read and had explained to me from an experienced friend, "you'll know when it happens, if you're unsure, you likely didn't have one." I've also heard that you slip into an outwardly appearing unconscious state, akin to sleep. My experiences thus far have had maybe 30 seconds of this while I'm on the ride up. then I wake up, and babble repetitively for about 5-10 mins. Are they normally that short? I'm so new to all of this, so forgive my ignorance.

I still strive to find a tek that works well and consistently for me. I tend to end up with mostly goo, as I seem to mess up my defat step. I have a lot of things I think I need to dial in with my processing of my material. (ACRB, as it's what my teacher used) Maybe I'm mistaken that a hot plate stirrer is the way to go for the a/b tek. I fear that by using the stir bars, I'm immulsifying the mixture too much? Those are questions I can deuce later I suppose.

I'll look into harmalas and how to ingest soon, for now I'm thankful for the information.

Peace to all.

Definitely look into harmalas, it will extend the trip significantly. Generally, a breakthrough is anything that makes you realize or forget something about your life and carries throughout your life. Ego death is a pretty explicit breakthrough, but sometimes you can still remember your name and have a breakthrough. For example, my most significant breakthrough was with psilohuasca, I realized what true happiness without attachment is.

While I don't deny that the use of the term breakthrough has bled into the use of other psychedelics, it appears when mentioned with DMT it is a specific set of classes of kinds of experiences, not just about intense realizations had during some experience.

One love

brand_new_bein reported recently that vaping 40mg harmalas 10 mins before just 15mg DMT produced a remarkably intense experience. We'd need to see some replications to be sure that it's a viable technique rather than some fluke, but it's interesting nonetheless. And very efficient, if it holds up to scrutiny.

Maybe this is an approach that you'd like to consider, Koduckshi, while bearing in mind b_n-b's caution:

Wow. Thank you fellas for the insights. I've definitely experienced ego death. Rebuilding my thoughts and how to be human again on the way back is a truly strange sensation. The lessons gleaned (and those yet to be fully realized) are still taking some time to process.

I helped my dad reach that place. A surreal experience indeed to help him in this way. He definitely wrestled with something while he was there, but the totality of his experience looked very positive to me. He still has much processing to do too.

After doing some research into Harmalas, it definitely seems like something I would want to experience in tandem with spice. That being said, It will take me quite a while to muster up the courage. I want to know for sure what my intentions are and to not take that experience lightly as it sounds to be FAR more powerful (or at the very least, longer lasting).

I feel safer about it, having read that it is essentially Aya without the extra time taken to produce the whole brew. I've read into the interactions with more typical pharmaceuticals and now know that there won't be anything that I have to worry about as I have liberated myself from antidepressants. [Not a decision I made lightly, I weighed the pros and cons, and the decision to stop them was one I made out of fear of dependence and reliance to at least be "ok" with my station in life.]

I'm thankful to have this place to bounce my thoughts, fears, and joyous emotions off of. Talking about any psychedelic experience to people out in the real world just makes me sound off my rocker. I mean, I suppose I do sound a little nuts here too, but cyberspace isn't "real" in that sense.
I feel a kinship to all of you, and not just those that have taken the time to respond to me. You are all a collective of similar minded individuals sharing in the crazy, vexing experience that life can be.

This stuff makes me feel like the worlds dumbest philosopher. It reminds me of some lyrics: "I dropped acid at my bus stop. I remember Liquid Swords just dropped. There's no vision quest for an idiot. I basically just saw a bunch of trippy [*stuff*]."

Best wishes for you and yours.
Duck.