It's interesting that tonight is the night that I logged onto this forum and noticed I was promoted considering the personal significance of tonight. I feel like the previous experiences were just beating around the bush which was the crux of tonight's experience. The realization I gained from this experience and how much I feel healed is unprecedented. There is so much to say but I'll try my best to keep it on track and get my main ideas out there. So, tonight I drank Ayahausca. This was an instance where I only intended to just kick back and enjoy the visuals. But if you know Aya, you know that Aya will take you on a lesson whether you like it or not. I was to get to the root of it all. Instead of describing the tripping aspect, I just want to describe what I realized, so I'll start from the beginning.

My most vivid memories from early childhood involved gardens and nature. My mother took plenty of time to show me these things. Forests of moss and flowers and vines. Little cottages in the woods with ginger trim and vines growing on the side. Butterflies and bees and everything else that makes this planet so beautiful. And the movies my mom showed me like the Neverending story. All of this kind of ignited this sense of wonder and awe and curiousity about the beauty of the world and of nature. It's almost an emotion in of itself. And so my early childhood was largely characterized by this whimsical imagination and wonder for the world, which led me to get into things like video games because it built on that love of fantastical themes.

Along the way, at about age 10 everything changed. My mother got with an abusive stepmother who hurt me immensely and made me feel worth nothing. And my mom just kind of let it go on for two years. All of a sudden, this person who had helped to show me all these beautiful things of the world is just letting something so ugly happen to me. I was angry, hurt, alone, bitter. The rage burned inside me even when the abusive stepparent went away. I began resenting that part of myself my mom put in me as a kid. All of a sudden my ego went on a purge of everything to do with my mom and honestly any kind of feminine energy. I fully leaned as hard as I could into the masculine and my dad's influence (which is very important and shaped me too but I didn't ignore it). This meant that the whimsical nature appreciating emotions went away because I pushed them down.

So from there, I went full masculine. I purposely ignored artistic pursuits writing them off as girly. I refused to really go and appreciate nature. I went inward and began to fixate on logical processes like mathematics (which ties into creativity little did I know). The things I hyperfixated on to the detriment of my other aspects are not bad. They are part of me too. But in focusing on them exclusively it left me incomplete. I actually got a lot done after the abusive stepparent went away. Graduated with high honors and everything.

Fast forward a little later I graduated and went to college. Around this time I got on Adderall. Big mistakes. It made the blockage even worse of my two sides. But around this time something else important happened. I met a girl online who became my wife
She too has a very whimsical imagination that she's very in touch with. She convinced me to move somewhere very beautiful, and I mean beautiful as in nature. I also began getting open to psychedelics a bit prior to my moving. I didn't know what they were really all about but something about them called me. I didn't find Ayahausca, it found me. It may have even compelled several other people to push me along my path leading me to it.

So then I'm in this beautiful place, and I start taking mushrooms and Ayahausca. I with each experience, I felt like some part of me was awakening. The flowers were just a bit brighter. The sun was sunnier, the grass was greener. I began getting flashes of some strange and beautiful emotion that I couldn't quite put my finger on or identify. I thought maybe it was the beginnings of some kind of spiritual awakening of "third eye opening". The emotion was strong and complex, imaginative and beautiful, full of wonder and love for the world around me. It had color and flavor and texture. And yet, it felt so familiar... Like I had been somewhere experiencing that emotion many many times somewhere in a past life.

What tonight's Ayahausca experience made me realize was that it wasn't from a past life and it isn't new. That sense of familiarity was warranted. That long lost side of me was beginning to come through. That wonder and awe for nature and curiousity about everything. A sense of comfort and home in the most pure form. Undiluted childlike happiness and imagination. It all came flooding back. Those times with my mom in all those places she took me. Once I realized that I remembered why I built the wall blocking it. I decided to let go of that and reunite those sides of me so they can work together and create something amazing in this world.

I am not sure when I'll be drinking Ayahausca again because this was such an important experience and I will need time to integrate it and keep that blockage from creeping back in. I would like to explore that side of me (not excluding the other part of me because it's important too) and cultivate it. Give it room to breathe and develop. Let it join the rest of me and work like a well oiled machine of imagination and productivity all in one. That is my integration goal. I hope I described the realizations from this experience well. This was the very personal introspective aspect of it. There was a more big picture side to the experience involving everything in the universe, but that's for another post. Thank you for your time.

This sounds appropriate, seeing as you have Controlled the Chaos, you have great responsibility, probably worthy of deliberation.

I have pondered some of your other posts, regarding the frequency of your ayahuasca medications, and being able (or not) to share your journeys with other, important people in your life.

You raise interesting questions, and there were insightful comments.

When you spoke of your frequency of medication, I thought to myself about the medicine's tendency to be self-regulating, that you'd work that out sooner rather than later. So, I'm not surprised to read your above quote.

These plant medicines can be so valuable to us, they can open doors and give us clarity and insights, as your most recent exploration shows us.

I'm glad you are able to verbalize so much of what you are learning, and I'm glad you have this nexus as an outlet, to communicate with us, to share with us.

Thanks for your contributions.

I have to add to this, that I am very grateful for this community in aiding my growth. We're in this together.

No problem, and I appreciate all the comments as well.

It isn't just the potency of that realization that made me realize it's time for a break. Ayahausca tends to have some aftereffects for me, mostly good but some slightly uncomfortable. Aya influenced me to drop marijuana especially in my current environment because of the smoke and my allergies here getting bad. It seems a huge part of Aya is also making you focus on physical health too, it always drills in that message. With taking Aya and dropping weed I have had a particular clarity in my thoughts and memory that is actually noticable.

As for the weirder after-effect I've definitely had some symptoms of flashbacks or something like it. For the past two nights since I've had it I have had visual snow and felt very "high vibration" literally if that makes any sense, like my whole head was resonating. This mostly has been happening at night. Then when I sleep sometimes I'll hear/feel the vibration of like a rushing car going by me as if I'm in a broken down car on a highway... Very strange. I'll add that I don't feel delusional or out of touch with reality. But definitely more in touch with hyperspace. When I shut my eyes I can vaguely make out visual patterns. Then when I do sleep it seems to fade straight into a quite vivid dream. When I woke up last time this happened the next morning I felt normal until I began getting tired again that night.

I'm not really that afraid of this because I understand that a powerful medicine like this probably does do things to the mind that are new, but the fear of the unknown does have its way of creeping in. So for that reason as well I will take a break from at least Aya for a bit. Might do some psilocybin if I get the chance though.

I’m from the school of ‘this is our own self’…glad to hear you’re finally listening to yourself.