Maymay, I feel your pain. Existential agony. I feel like smacking all these people who preach love and harmony.

I'm so angry and pissed of at existence, I fear I may attempt to kill God if I ever meet Him. I don't know how I could ever forgive Him for what He's done.

The answer is to stop asking why. Give up. Don't give a shit anymore. Curl up and die, and forget this stupid illusion. Stop chasing after the dangling carrot you can never touch. We burn between infinite boredom and unbearable mystery, and at the end it is probably just some joke being played on us. Like those fiends who trick people into smoking Salvia. We got tricked into becoming human beings, and when I get back I won't see the funny side.

I don't wont DMT ever, because I want this tension I feel to build up into an unbearable level of suffering. It has been with me since 19, and now I'm 36. By the time I get prostate cancer in twenty years or so, I'll be near crazy with wondering and unanswered questions. When I'm diagnosed, I will refuse treatment. I will feel as if I just won the lottery. And when I die, I will either know never ending peace, or my consciousness will blow its load like a new big bang creating a new universe. I think people who take DMT are like people who like finding spoilers for movies or read the last page of a novel.

And you're on the DMT-Nexus....why?
Oh, so you can input your misconceptions about the neurotransmitter...of course...
You're missing out ;]
Have fun hating HAHA
(I love you)

No you don't. At least I'm honest.

Wow..to each their own buT i just find that to seem like a sad fucking existance there filled with nothing but fear of WHAT MIGHT BE...instead of exploring with an open mind youd rather huddle up into your littel corner of easily definable reality, steriotyping other people who choose to explore.. and you jsut wait for death...no thank you!

Brother... ...im in awe...where is the love?..where is the acceptance?...theanger you feel YOU create..yes, YOU...we are drivers of own destiny each my friend..there are lessons here that you need to learn..and i pray that one day you see this place for what it is..all you seem to be able to do is blame..blame god, blame people that talk about peace and love...well, what the fuck are you talking about thats so great??

So you come on here and bitch about all the anger you have..haw you want to slap certian groups of people and how you hate god etc..well good for you..so YOU are critisizing others for talking about peace and love..while you come on here talking about your anger and hatered..and then all you can do is take the EASY WAY OUT..and point the finger of blame at god?

Do you have a mirror? stop fucking whining and look into it for once.

And this kids is why we do drugs and not religion

;]
I really do love you
whoever you are
I feel great compassion for your pain
because it's something I'm greatly familiar with

The spice has helped me transcend this more than anything else.

Just sayin'

"Hatred is love without the facts. Why tell lies to separate and destroy yourselves when the truth is you're one?"

Why travel to new places?
Why make new friends?
Why try new foods?
why have sex for the first time?
why read a new book?
Why try to see something from someone elses point of view?
Why not crawl into a hole and live life in a bubble of ignoranca and never search out new levels of understanding?

WHY WHY WHY?..

I mean..this is essentially what you are asking...i dont even get the point of the post really...you seem to havesome tot he conclusions already that theres not much there and that life is what it seems for you now or something...so why do anything new?

Buy the ticket take the ride...

ah mumbles....nothing like summing it all up in six words....

morphane- everything i would say to you would certainly come from a place of love. i would truly feel honored to discuss the wonders and unknowingness that are to be felt and learned from through DMT. i would compassionately hold your hand and give you a shoulder to cry on the first time the inexpressable love destroys every construct you once thought of as real. i would love to be your friend and your support through your journey.

but you have never taken DMT. you have never expressed a desire to nor have you even expressed an interest in anything DMT has to offer. instead, you have been a member of the nexus for a YEAR AND A HALF and made almost TWO HUNDRED POSTS that have contributed to this DMT-CURIOUS COMMUNITY how??

without any anger or ill-will, i am simply curious of WHY you're here? what is your agenda here other than to throw a wet blanket over tender, fresh-sparked kindling? i am at a loss on this....truly. your avatar and some of the things you have said in other posts make me think for a moment that you are here to preach. but then you curse "god" as vehemently as you trash spice. in all honesty and with the deepest compassion, it just seems like you need a place to complain about how lost you feel in a way that somehow takes the burden of changing your predicament off of you. latching on to posts made by confused folks and using them as a springboard for your "life sucks" campaign is not helping anyone.

or you.

my humble suggestion- extract a small amount of DMT from some beautiful mimosa hostilis root bark. get out of your self and your fear as much as you can during this process. tell yourself that it will simply be a "once in a lifetime experience"....just so you KNOW what you are debunking here on this forum. find a beautiful tree in a secluded expanse of nature. lay beneath it's embracing branches and contemplate that the "wisdom" you are about to incorporate into your own VERY LIMITED awareness, comes from a tree just like the one standing guard over you in that very moment. surrender everything you "know" and have made yourself out to be in your ridiculously brief lifetime and light your pipe.

when you come back and write about your experience and how life is a much deeper, richer, more whole and connected gift than you ever imagined, i will be the first to post a hearty WELCOME BROTHER!

WITH LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!

Your pain resonates with many of us, we've all been there. And I love you, even if you don't yet see why or how.

Please man, go to nature with some plants and open up. You can EXPERIENCE and UNDERSTAND firsthand the love you have for EVERYTHING and the love it all has for you.. how it IS you. Get over the "drug" or religious taboo part. We are all on drugs right now. God put the shit everywhere. Get out of your normal tunnel and look at it from the outside for what it really is.

Not everyone feels the way you do. Almost all of the people here have used DMT and probably multiple other psychedelics. And you know what? We aren't pissed off, giving up, submitting to suffering or anything else from your little rant. If so many people have instead found universal love from these experiences, and not universal suffering, then the problem you have is not in the drug or any universal reality. The problem is in you.

Don't run away from your problems. Don't curl up and die. That's the most weak and cowardly thing you could suggest. It's revolting. Work towards a better future. Try to change the things you find wrong with the world. Do some good, help others, and stop whining. If you insist on believing that everything in this reality is suffering, then embrace Buddhism. At least they have a less pathetic way of coping.

Look, I feel bad for you. I really do. Sure, psychedelics have made me ask a lot more questions, but they answered the big ones. Of all the crazy shit that I've seen, some things are always recurrent. I know that we're all the same person. I know that we don't stop existing after death. I've seen first-hand what that existence is like and it is good and amazing enough to entertain me for eternity should I wish it to. I take solace that this understanding is at the core of almost everyone's trips, and that aside from how obvious it is to me now, there is a growing community out there that feels the same way. The knowledge I've gained doesn't confuse me; it strengthens my resolve to do good. I know that when I hurt others, I literally hurt myself because we are all one. I know that when I help others, I literally help myself because we are all one. I finally know, with religious conviction, what is right and what is wrong.

I don't know how you've come to the conclusions that you have, but if this is a cry for help, the internet isn't the place to look. I don't know how you thought it would be kosher to tell someone to "curl up and die" here, but it isn't. Don't spout this garbage in the forums.

Thanks Tryptographer

@morphane


I think it's more like they want to actually watch the movie instead of reading reviews.

Dude we have all been there.
And i think you are a good man. In fact you are the best Christian i have ever met.
You make me think there is hope. You are honest.
Thank you. I love you.

For some reason, this made me think of the bodhisattva, who promises not to leave the world of samsara until all suffering beings become free.

By taking this vow, the bodhisattva practically *guarantees* that he/she will never reach enlightenment. But still, with some transcendental inverse logic, this also feels like an assurance of enlightenment. It feels like some cosmic trick. (Sorry, it's very difficult to express what I have in mind.)

I think I know exactly what you are talking about. I could have written this post of yours. What is different with me is that I seem to contain both sides, like being Morphane and Antrocles intermixed. Quite strange combination, the two sides always pulling me apart into different directions. A lot of suffering comes from this. I long lost my head, I don't know where I am, just hope that it is like this with a reason. Psychedelics are wonderful and demonic at the same time. I am a Christian and a Buddhist at the same time. Duality and singularity at the same time. Zero and One at the same time.

I live in suffering, but my suffering holds a secret which makes me endure forever. I have a faith that is like an everlasting rock at my zero-point which doesn't give me anything except itself.

If I understand what Morphane is, then I doubt this would work out fine.

As I see it, Morphane and I personify the sum-total of misery, darkness and suffering of our world here on this forum (Obliguhl also comes to mind). But we are exceptions, the norm is people who are coming from the light side of life. That's why we are not taken well here and misunderstood. We are like Lucifer, who had been cast down to Earth to learn and in our heart burns a passionate fire of rebellion against the God whom we know (VERY intimately). We are here on this forum because you seem to have a way to get back to that Source we are so much craving for and which we are denied access to. You see it right that you could help us. Definitely so. But if you tried to play the role of the trip guide with me for example, I think you would possibly shit your pants right there. ( Sorry Ant, I don't want to be rude, but I want be honest. Take it as an expression of some archetypical battle in my mind. ) I think you would not prepared (yet) to face that darkness which I have in myself. Most people on the light side fend this darkness off as soon as the first sign of it appears because they cannot handle it. They learn how to navigate their ways and are never forced to face that which is out there. They were created to be on the light side and only there (like being angels of light who are completely protected from dark infuences). But we need someone who got past the illusion of duality and can thereby cut through those fallacies which hold us in prison. And here is where you come into the picture.

What Morphane wrote about was not some simple whining (if I got it right). It was a really serious matter. If we could work together on this and somehow get to the point where we could overcome this "thing" we have in ourselves, then through this particular act the entire world could be saved. No kidding. (Remember again, what I'm talking about is something archetypical which was not solved up to now in human history. The entire world is working on this problem now. And the Nexus is just one of the scenes where the problem manifested itself.)

(edit: All of this is an attempt to express something which I feel deep inside me. Please, don't take it as personal offense. Look at it more like me taking up a role in a play and these rants being from that play. I use my forum character as an actor in that imaginary play, in the hope that my heart's content will come through.)

I know you dont mean bad cellux, but let me give you another perspective here:

you read antrocles posts and you think because he seems to be a nice guy (which he is), he has not met the dark side.. but how can you be so sure? From the little more I know from him, I know he went through some tough shit in life, both in psychedelic experiences as well as in real life.

Another thing is, we all want to be special, and it seems you think that having a significant 'dark side' makes you and whoever else special, but let me tell you this: EVERYBODY has a dark side inside of themselves.. All the violent impulses that exist, all the twisted fantasies, its in everybody. Its our shadow, and each one has to deal with it in their own way, depending on their individualities and life history and circumstances that arise. So im not saying you're not special, but rather that we are all special in our own way

From my life in general, from my psychedelic experiences and also from my (limited) knowledge being a psychologist, I really do not think that there are 'light people' and 'dark people', its all inside of ourselves.

Also, as bob marley well put it, "every man thinketh his burden is the heaviest".. We all seem to be overwhelmed by our own troubles but in the end we all got them one way or another, and thats no excuse to not try hard and make things good in our own lives. Im not saying you are not doing but just a general idea im putting forward here.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I think morphane's nihilistic point of view is quite out of place here.. Someone posted here expresing some sort of existential anguish, and for him to answer to 'give up' and 'curl up and die' is quite off, I must say. We all have our doubts, we all have questioned the "Whys" of existence, but the fact is, we are here, alive, in this world.. Who knows what came before and what goes after, but we do know that we are here, alive, and that right now we can act. I think 'giving up' is exactly what one shouldnt do.

Its like saying "ah well, the world is fucked up anyways, I might as well throw all my garbage on the streets, eat all sorts of junk food and consume everything unconsciously because it doesnt matter anyways. Lets throw radioactive waste in pristine forests, its all lost anyways"... And then what? then all your life has been adding to the problem, has been giving negative inputs to the world.. We may as individuals be gone at some point, but what we do, our footprints, remain and impact everything else.

I'd rather try to be as healthy as possible, try to be patient with people, recycle my garbage, be a conscious consumer, and so on.. And then I know that I am doing my part, that Im seeding a little bit of good, so that the moment I die, my last breath is peaceful, satisfied, with clear conscience. I dont care if nobody comes and congratulates or notices me, I dont care if everybody else is wrong, I will still do my part. I find important to try to be morally and cognitively autonomous, as much as possible, and not depend on others in a childish way, when all actions are dependent on other's approval. This of course doesnt mean im perfect or think I am or think I will be anytime soon, but I think its important to try and be as best as we can.

I have gone a bit off topic but to me its all connected.. Also, I gotta express here like my friends have, that, even though everybody with good intentions is welcome here, it comes off quite weird when morphane posts his position and 'attacks' the atmosphere we are trying to establish, and on top of it all judging the people who use dmt, generalizing, claiming it is wrong (or that its like 'looking at spoilers of movie'.. I mean, this is a forum with the main subject being dmt.. If that doesnt interest you, if you are constantly antagonizing people's opinion, then I think it might be good to at least consider that maybe this is not the place for you to be.. but of course, this is up to you, morphane, only you can know your reasons and your life, and I dont mean this as an offense or anything.

"see you when your 40, lost and all alone, being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know, not sad becasue you lost me, but sad becasue you thought it was cool, to be sad..you think mysery will make you stand apart from the crowd, if you had walked past me today, I wouldnt have picked you out"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfYVd3TDnLQ

You dont want to be that person..it gets old.

That's a nice compliment
But yes, I do come from a dark side of life. But I'm certainly not the only one on this forum. I feel that many are on a healing journey and that some are privilidged to come from a strong position in life...but that's ok, everybodys story is different and needs to be understood if we want to evolve as humans.