I’d like to start by stating that although I have countless amazing and awesome experiences in my life, this was by far the most profound and healing few days I have ever had! There was so much depth and beauty to the experience that it is hard to convey in words but I will try! Going into the weekend I was feeling quite grounded and caught up in my daily work and life. My life is generally joyful and I love my work, but it did not allow me the time to properly prepare for this event, nor did I realize just how cosmic it was going to be. The 3 ceremonies were all night long starting at 9pm and going till sunrise. It was my first time doing Ayahuasca and I was feeling a little nervous about it and not looking forward to “purging” or the general sickness I have heard that Ayahuasca can give to participants. I was also expecting to be exhausted by the whole thing.
I will give you a little bit of background about myself which will give you more context about my experience in magic and psychedelics. When I was younger I was fascinated with the occult and would sneak into the adult section of the library gravitating towards the occult/mysticism section (which was quite small in those days). By my late teens I had a very serious meditation practice meditating sometimes 3 or more hours a day.
Later in my life I was quite serious about studying the occult, shamanism and ceremonial magick. I studied these mostly on my own because I never found really good teachers. For oftentimes hours each day I would practice meditation and ritual magic, casting circles, summoning spirits and visiting the astral planes. I also did a fair amount of psychedelics such as LSD and Psilocybin mushrooms.
During my 40’s I got more interested in paganism and often participated in group activities with other pagans feeling more into animism and the life force in all things. Working with animal guides, native american mysticism, all night ritual fire circles and such. I appreciated the relative simplicity of this approach compared to the elaborate philosophies and practices of traditional magick. I also had an intense Kundalini experience during this time which resulted in me falling to the ground shaking uncontrollably while white light and an incredible roaring sound filled my senses. I was luckily at a ritual fire circle and surrounded by healers who helped me through it. After this experience I regularly had "tremors" for more than a year and this also opened me up emotionally in an intense way.
More recently I have returned to meditation and living fully in the moment. Cultivating a quiet, observant mind proved to be a very helpful skill when trying to navigate the chaotic visions that Ayahuasca offers.
I will also share that at one point in my mid 40’s I got a source for DMT and Changa ( an herb mixture that is infused with DMT and makes the experience last longer). DMT is considered “smokeable Ayahuasca” and only lasts from a few minutes with DMT crystals and up to 15-20 minutes with Changa. It does not have any physical purging effects. DMT blew my mind! The space that it took me into on larger doses was incredibly psychedelic, colorful and full of spirits. It is full on experience! I would not often dare to take larger doses as the experience was so uncomfortably overwhelming. I did greatly enjoy lower doses which I found profound and made me very aware of the sacredness of being alive.
The last time I smoked DMT, about seven years ago, I took a pretty large dose and “broke through” into another place where I came into contact with the “DMT elves” as Terence Mckenna called them. Meeting these particular entities is a common experience among many DMT users. It is hard to describe these creatures as they are completely alien to anything in normal consciousness. To get an idea to visualize them you can look up the painting “The Cosmic Christ” by Alex Grey (https://shop.cosm.org/products/cosmic-christ-notecard). They look kind of like if this Cosmic Christ had hyperactive, playful 3-year old grandchildren! They were EVERYWHERE emerging directly out of the insane constantly shifting and moving, highly colorful 4-dimensional fractal kaleidoscopes I was seeing. The seemed very happy to see me and were jumping and running all over the place all around me. They had zero conception of “personal space” and I felt very overwhelmed like I was having bugs crawl all over me. My whole vision field was full of them and they would dart around so I could not get a clear vision of them and I became frightened at the sheer alienness of the experience.
I was very thankful when the DMT wore off any lay on the floor for a good half hour just recovering from this extraterrestial-interdimensional alien contact. Even while lying there with open eyes I was very aware that these beings were still around me and saw trails of them darting around the room. At that point I was wishing I was not alone as I wanted human contact so badly in that moment just to feel grounded and comforted and human again. After that I did not dare smoke DMT again except for one time where I came into contact with an extraterrestrial who did some healing work with me.
From what I had heard from people who had done Ayahuasca, it did not sound like DMT and I was curious to try it but felt instinctively that I wanted to wait to do it with a legitimate trained shaman and not a westerner who had done it a number a times and wanted to facilitate sessions. So I had the opportunity to do it many times but I am very glad that I waited.
I was very fortunate to be invited to this ceremony that was facilitated by a Brazilian Amazon shaman and his wife. I met them briefly before the event and was very struck by their looks and demeanor. I felt like they were another species. They radiated a field of peace, simplicity and elegance. They were simply beautiful people.
NIGHT ONE
On the night of the ceremony I arrived and set up a mat, pillow and blankets. I reluctantly got a small "vomit bucket" that they had on hand. I purposely set no intention for the evening telling the spirit of Ayahuasca to give me what I needed. The host gave an introduction to the shaman and explained some basic rules (no talking or moving around, no leaving the circle until it was finished etc).
Shortly after that the couple arrived. They were in full regalia with painted faces and very beautiful and colorful clothing. The shaman wore a large, beautiful headdress. They sat down and introduced themselves being translated as they spoke in Portugese. The lights were turned off with the exception of eight or so candles that dimly lit the room. Then we all took turns going up to take up of the Ayahuasca medicine. This was a thick, syrupy plant extract that did not taste as bad as I thought it would, though I am grimacing a bit just thinking about swallowing that cup. After we all drank we had 15 minutes of silence while the medicine started taking effect.
The silence was broken by the unearthly chanting of the couple who were singing in harmonizing voices. I found their “songs” (call Icaros) to be not melodic in a normal musical sense. They consisted of repetitive chants that did not sound like any kind of earthly language and often had a very off putting rhythm and abrupt endings. As the ayahuasca began to take effect I realized that this language they were singing in had been directly channeled from the spirit world and were designed to create a field where the ayahuasca could do it's work on the participants in an intensified, yet safe space.
In all of my ritual experience and having been a part of many individual and group magical rituals I have never felt a more power magical field generated than by these two weaving this magic circle with their voices. I felt totally safe and protected and was thankful for this safe feeling as the Ayahuasca began to take effect and I nervously realized that this was going to be very much like an extended DMT trip.
Intense visuals began to fill my field, particularly when I closed my eyes. There was a strong theme of reptiles and snakes. Nausea came on and I started feeling quite ill wondering if I would soon start vomiting. Around me I could hear others starting to retch into their buckets and occasionally someone would hurriedly go outside.
The nausea and visuals increased in intensity. I had to pee very badly but could not get up. The singing continued and became very assaultive to me and difficult to listen to. I squirmed in my seat trying to be comfortable. I began to see ever shifting patterns overlaying everything and visions whenever I closed my eyes. These are difficult to describe, but imagine a rapidly moving wall of millions of colors swirling in a kaleidoscope fashion with movies being displayed in gaps. These "movies" were bending and twisting causing all manners of distortions of the images which were horrific in nature consisting of brutal violence and violent sexual rape and bondage scenes interspersed with visions of strange alien beings. It was all moving so fast and it was very overwhelming to my inner senses.
I was feeling very physically ill and grew cold. Although I had two blankets on I felt like my body had died and was a corpse rapidly growing cold with no blood moving through me. I raised arm in hopes that one of the facilitators would see me and could bring me a blanket but no luck. I grew colder and more miserable by the moment. My mind is normally pretty calm and even my "chatty inner voice" speaks slowly and often not at all. But my mind was intensely agitated and running non-stop with circular loops of thought and lots of very negative and critical words and feelings.
I instinctively realized that although this was a miserable experience it was somehow good for me and so I attempted again and again to not let my mind take me away but to be present even in the pain and discomfort. Through effort and concentration I would still my mind only to be carried away by it again and again. My agitation increased and the incessant unearthly singing disoriented me even further. Around me I could hear people moaning and puking. I could sense the room filled with spirits.
Maybe an hour had passed and I was still freezing but the hallucinations began to fade somewhat and I managed to get up and stumbled around in the pitch black back room attempting to find another blanket without luck. My walking was very unsteady and I had to move very slowly as my visual field was overlaid with kaleidoscopic patterns and my feet looked to be a mile away. I stepped outside to go pee. I stood there for a long time but no pee came although I had to go quite badly. After maybe 15 minutes I was able to pee. I then remembered another place to look for a blanket and I found a heavy quilt and was overjoyed. I made my way back and the quilt comforted me immensely.
After more time had passed the visions faded and my nausea subsided. I was definitely not sober by any means but was feeling better. They announced a second cup of medicine would now be served. "No way" I thought! But somehow I found myself in line for a second cup. This was a rare chance to work with a real shaman and that didn't happen often!
The singing continued and visuals came back and still horrible with a lot of dark energy but not quite as vividly brutal as before. My mind was still going a mile a minute with lots of negative thoughts. After some time, they announced that the harder work of the evening was over and now the music would shift to instruments and singing joyfully. The shaman broke out a guitar and began to loudly strumming out chords and singing what sounded to be campfire songs but with the same spirit language. A very loud djembe drummer kept the pace. At this point I was craving some soft gentle music or even silence and I was not happy with this very loud and energetic music. I managed to walk out to the fire where I sat for a short time comforted by it though I remember the admonition of the facilitator that "the work was inside the container and we should not spend long amounts of time outside it"".
While at the fire another woman was sitting there. I asked her is she was OK. She explained that her neighbor had accidentally spilled their bucket of vomit on her sleeping bag (ewwww!) Feeling steadier than before I told her that I was sure I could I could arrange a fresh blanket for her. She told me that she was happy at the fire. She told me that she "could hear Mother Aya's voice in the fire but she could not hear it in there." gesturing with a frown to the circle. All I could think was " So you think you know more about this medicine and how to work with it than the shaman who has been working with it daily since he was 10?" I was also aware of how because she didn't want to be there a situation had manifested that gave her a good excuse to not be there. I did not wish to speak a lot so I did not engage more. She did not come back for the next two nights.
I did not have a strong desire to return to the circle either. It was warm and it would have been very nice to stay by the fire a little away from the loud music and loud energetic drumming. I felt a need for quiet and the fire was very comforting. I did not at all feel like celebrating with dance. Nonetheless I trusted the process of these two magical people and returned to the circle. Although my visions were not as intense, my rapid fire negative and critical thoughts continued and I tried through the night to stay positive and trust the process. I did get up and dance a bit periodically to shake my energy but felt no joy the entire night. The nausea continued but less intense that it was earlier.
At one point I was sitting down and although I was still attempting to be present, my negative thoughts were taking my far away. My body was swaying to the music. Suddenly the younger shaman in training squatted down in front of me and began to fan a smoking sage stick onto me with an incantation. A "voice" said PAY ATTENTION. My whole body responded. I sat up straight and I was instantly wide awake and alert. This silent voice told me that important work was being done and I needed to be present even though it was not pleasant for me. From that point when I caught myself wandering away in thought in an attempt to escape my misery I told myself PAY ATTENTION.
I was very thankful when the sky began to lighten and I heard a rooster crowing. I was exhausted in every way and seriously reconsidering going in for a second night. The shaman closed the circle. We had a breakfast of hot oatmeal which was comforting. I felt much better about the night having gone through it. I felt like I had been psychically and mentally vomiting all night and felt mentally exhausted but not bad. After breakfast and sharing experiences with other participants, many of who had had a hard night, I went home. I got only a couple hours uneasy sleep and I spent a lot of the day lying down with my eyes closed. I had no desire to read or watch a show, browse the internet or do any of the things that I would do on a relaxing day at home. I instinctively felt it was better to keep my mind clear of such things. My mind was very still and I had ease just laying around.
NIGHT TWO
This night I came in with an intention. I asked the Ayahuasca spirit for a gentle night! We began and followed the same as before. I was told the medicine being used that night would be extra strong. The shaman came and we took our medicine, meditated and I waited with trepidation to see what would happen. To my delight I did not feel any nausea. A slight unease in my stomach, but nothing that was even distracting. They began their unearthly singing. Tonight though I found great pleasure and fascination with their singing. Unlike the previous night it sounded very beautiful to me and I was wishing I could sing them too. I found it very easy to be in an inner silence meditative state with my mind only occasionally drifting off.
The kaleidoscopic visions came showing me amazing multi-dimensional, intensely colorful and always moving vistas. I was filled with a feeling of ease and contentment. The other people in the room looked very beautiful, like Gods and Goddesses. Different people in my life came to my minds vision and I had such appreciation for them and wondered why I did not share this more with them in daily life. I had profound insights into how easy life could be and how overly complex we have made our lives here in the modern world.
I went outside to pee. I was in awe of the feeling of earth under my feet and he stars above. I had a hard time peeing again but was in no way annoyed or upset this time waiting patiently. I held on to a tree branch for balance and thanked it. Someone else stumbled by and I saw visually that they were a divine being with auras radiating off them and had a vision of how the Huini Kuin tribe must live so at one with earth. So simply. What life could be like if we all felt this sense of sacredness all the time. The pee finally came and I was thankful for my body.
There was a Goddess statue of Saraswati nearby and I knelt before her looking at her beautific face. I felt a warm motherly feeling radiating from her which washed over me. Tears came to my eyes as I felt this divine sense of the mother. I bowed low for a moment before I stood up.
I closed my eyes and out of the intense visions playing on the back of my eyelids the DMT elves appeared!! They were laughing and leaping all around me coming out of everywhere. Hundreds of them! More! Only this time I had a feeling of safety with the shamans and the great Mother. I realized that the shamans would not subject me to anything dangerous. That this was a safe space. I felt instinctively that these beings were the manifestation of the universal creative energy. They were the basic creative force of the universe. All things in our universe were created through them. The beings were communicating that they wanted to come inside me. I said yes. They were delighted and began to jump through my chest into my body with joy and laughter! I felt lit up and energized and made my way back to the circle.
Then the Kundalini tremors began. I felt myself shuddering and shaking and energy leaving my body which felt amazing every time. They announced a second cup of medicine would be served. I took it and then they announced that there would be a special healing ritual. We all brought in our pillows into a tighter circle and were instructed to not get up during the ritual.
I had an amazing seat. Right before me was an altar with a candles and a stunning multi faceted crystal refracting their light. The shaman and his wife stood up facing me. They were in their full regalia and the whole scene was intensely beautiful. I wish I could convey better the exquisiteness of the scene. If I showed you a photo it would be beautiful but not even begin to capture it. There were fractal patterns shimmering over everything. I could see the auras of the shaman and his wife and others. My heart was light and joyous.
The shaman began an incantation. I was lightly shaking uncontrollably but it felt great! I felt locked up energy leaving my body with each shudder. I smiled every time this happened because I had such a great release with my last kundalini experience. They began their unearthly Icaros songs and it sounded like a heavenly language to me. They began to go to each participant in turn. They would bend down low surrounding them with his feathered headdress chanting one round of the song in a blessing. When they came to me I had an incredible release of energy right through my core out the top of my head. I was in ecstacy!
After the healing ritual we began the second part of the evening of song and dance. The shaman played his guitar with his ritual chanting campfire songs. This time I immensely enjoyed them welcoming the chance to dance and move as kundalini tremors continued shaking my body. I was appreciating the djembe drum too. I felt so light and free!
After some time other musicians began to play. A woman sang very beautiful heartful songs that I could understand because they were in English. A man played a Tibetan bowl while my good friend Joshua played absolutely magical flute. The music was rich, varied and incredible. The mood of the group was much lighter than the previous night (though later I found that many still had a hard night).
Through the night I had incredible insights into the nature of our broken culture. How we had removed our selves from the effects of our indulgent lifestyles. How we did not pay attention to the havoc we are causing in our society and planet. I had great appreciation for my magical life and the wonderful people that fill it. This time I was sorry to see the sky lighten and the circle come to a close. I had not had a single bad feeling the entire night and can confidently say that it was the best night of my life.
I went to help make the morning oatmeal. My body felt light and free and incredibly energized! I had had about two hours of unrestful sleep over the past 48 hours but had no fatigue and was fully alert. I was delighted to see the shaman lay out some of their beautiful jewelry to sell. I was touch by how unpretentious he was. How real and authentic they both were. I happily bought a lovely ceremonial necklace from them.
After chatting happily with different people I went home and lay in bed and got a solid 3 hours of sleep and woke up energized. I had another restful media-free day feeling happy and fulfilled. I deleted news apps and the reddit app from my phone. My body was deeply relaxed and I realized how tight and tense my body has been most of my life. I had purged out so much energetically through the night. I was filled with gratitude towards the shaman and his wife and their helpers.
NIGHT THREE
I arrived eager and ready! The two nights before I had felt the presence of spirits. These were different than the DMT elven beings which seemed to be a more basic primal creative force. I felt that these were beings with personalities and lives of their own. My stated intention to the Ayahuasca spirit was to see them and be in contact them.
The night began as the previous ones. I drank the medicine and eagerly waited in silence for the lights to go on. This night I felt mildly nauseous and at unease in my body but relaxed and my mind was still quiet and concentrated. The songs began and I found when I closed my eyes that I was in a large cavernous room filled with spirits. It was not as colorful as previously, more dark with fainter geometric patterns swirling around. Lots of purple and greens. There were many moving grid lines. I saw myself as a being of pure energy in this space. The spirits were moving rapidly swirling about all around me. I could see glimpses of them as they came to look at me curiously. I felt disoriented but willed myself to concentrate using my old practices of magic ritual and concentration.
As I concentrated I found I could start matching the vibrations of these spirits as I sped up time (or they slowed down?) enough that I could be began to see distinct faces. They seemed to be mostly humanoid with somewhat unearthly human faces. It was difficult to get a good hard look as they were still moving quickly by appearing just long enough for me to get a glimpse. They seemed to be very curious that I could see them. I willed myself to stay open and friendly. One of the beings stopped and hovered before me. It was a woman with long dark hair and an elegant dress. Her face was indistinct and seemed blurred or veiled but I felt she was very interested in me. I got the impression from her that she was friendly towards me and would keep an eye on me and that she wanted to meet me again. I intuited that with practice and concentration that I could contact her even without the medicine.
In this place I felt truly like a cosmic being. That I could bend time and space while in this state of being. That I had incredible power to manipulate "reality". I was very occupied with this strange new experience, but if I accessed this state more, I could have the concentration to make things happen non-locally. That I was always able to contact spirits, but the density of my mind/body makes it not visible or accessible easily. That I should remember this feeling of power and this access to the spirit realm.
I also felt that the spirits were generally friendly, but not necessarily interested in humans. That they did not have any particular agenda with us, but some of them were willing to help us if we asked. It is said that Spirits will not interfere with humans unless asked as they respect free will. As they had access to the space/time continuum in a free way that they could offer us good advice or make things happen but they need to be specifically asked. They had their own lives going on and no doubt considered us poor limited beings. But at the same time I sensed some of them were very interested in our abilities to enjoy our human senses, our hearts and our human adventures. I made myself very welcoming and open to them to experience my human senses with me.
At one point I went out to pee and found myself particularly struggling to work my body. I felt like some of them had took me up on my friendliness and were cohabiting my body and not used to working it and were in wonder about the strangness of being in a physical body. The solidness of the earth felt a bit alien to me. Eventually the visions ended, but I still felt in contact with these spirits and this feeling has stayed with me.
It was time for the second cup. I took it and sat down waiting for it to take effect. I started to feel ill. This time though it was not accompanied by negative visions or thoughts or feelings of terror. I was just feeling bad and neutrally experiencing it. I felt very uncomfortable physically and as the Icaros began, I felt like I was being operated on. That things were being extracted from me. I began to belch regularly. Big loud belches. I was feeling that things were being pulled out of my body physically. That the medicine was relieving me of stagnant pockets of air in my colon. That toxins in my body were being pulled out to be eliminated. It was very uncomfortable but not sharply painful. My visions were very colorful and had a medical feel to them. It felt very extractive but I patiently stayed conscious and aware through the whole ordeal. I saw all kinds of visions in this time that are not distinct in my memory. This was not a pleasant time but I nonetheless felt happy it was happening. I felt I would great benefit from it.
After some time the campfire chants began and music was played through the rest of the night. I continued to belch through the night and felt somewhat nauseous but was nevertheless happy.
The sun came up and we had a great sharing circle. It was so interesting to hear the different experiences and what people got out of it. I was not tired at all. In fact I felt great in my body and alert in my mind and this after 60 hours with maybe 5 hours of sleep.
Oatmeal and conversation happened. I went home happy and content. I lay down on my bed and my downstairs neighbor who is generally quiet was having a conversation with someone outside my window. This continued for maybe 10 minutes. I was feeling patient and not seriously annoyed, but I really wanted to get some sleep so I said out loud "Are there any spirits that can help with this situation? I need to get some sleep." About 20 seconds later they both walked away still talking.
I got up later and was lucky enough to be able to hang out with the shaman, his wife and facilitators for the afternoon and evening. We took a tour of a local piece of land belonging to a friend of theirs and went out for dinner. They spoke almost no English and were quite reserved, but generally friendly and smiling. I felt very honored to hang out with them in this casual way.
Later that night I fell into a good deep sleep. At some point in the night I had to get up to go to the bathroom. I heard my neighbor downstairs watch a loud television show. This is quite unusual as he is generally quiet. It was about 1am and I lay down attempting to go to sleep again but was distracted by this TV show which had a loud laugh track. I said again out loud "Are there any spirits that are able to help me because I need to get some sleep?" About 30 seconds later the TV was turned off. Coincidence?!?
This morning I went over and made coffee for the shaman and his wife and entourage and we said our goodbyes. I gave them my heartfelt thanks and some gifts. He gifted me a woven hat off his head and told me it was for protection. It is now one of my most treasured possessions. I am writing this while this experience is fresh. I had many insights but these are my main takeaways:
1) This was an amazing experience and I feel purged mentally, psychically, emotionally energetically and physically. I feel at ease and relaxed in my body. I feel energized. I have no desire to read news anymore and have deleted news apps and reddit from my phone.
2) PAY ATTENTION - This means not only my normal awareness practice...staying in internal silence. It means paying attention to what I'm doing and how it affects me and how it affects the world and people around me. Should I buy that one use plastic bottle beverage? Should I really eat those chips? Should I not tell that person I love and appreciate them? So many things I do unconsciously or in reaction. I need to PAY ATTENTION as long as I am embodied and walk on this earth and realize that my actions (and inactions) have real effects.
3) The universe is vast and multilayered. I feel like I now have access to a whole other realm of spirit. That I have the power to speed up or slow down time and the ability to manifest non-local events. Of course I've known this intellectually and certainly good at manifesting things for some time, but this was such a visceral experience that I understand it in a way I did not before. I felt more powerful on that third night in the spirit realm than I ever had.
4) We have access to helpful spirits and have merely to ask (out loud!) if we need assistance. There may be bad, negative spirits out there I don't know, but my feeling is most of them are either not interested in us at all or willing to be of help if asked with respect. Perhaps we can help them and let them share in our experience of being human? I enjoyed that my communication with them was friendly exchanges instead of "summoning" spirits as I used to do. I have no need for the power that I was trying to get through magic at that earlier point in my life. It's nice to have a little assistance some times as we navigate through life and accessing spirits help is easier than we think.
5) I intend to go visit the Huni Kuin people and see what a tribe of people living on the earth for thousands of years in peace with each other and the planet looks like. A culture that uses this sacred medicine as a central point of their lives. That live with true mystical experiences instead of empty religious beliefs.
Haux Haux!