It's been a rough 18 months across this world. Suffering is a given. As a person in recovery and as one that works in the field, i am connected with others who are challenged in this time to maintain life free of damaging addictions.

I myself relapsed when i got the news about my cancer. After working so hard for so long to gain stability, i had not considered something like a possibly terminal diagnosis. Two weeks out there gave me infections from adulterated drugs and when i went in for surgery my body was wrecked. It's no wonder i got a post op infection.

I'm back on track and have been since i got out of hospital. But being back on methadone, and having to stay in shelter since i lost housing after being unable to work for six months folks me with shame based thinking that and makes it even more challenging to just be okay. (despite a successful gofund me to prevent that, the money had to go to other expenses while i was in respite for that time. )

But being back on track means that giving and receiving support is more important than ever. Sharing a unique worldview and value system between us in this place, i was thinking that others here in recovery may benefit from a loose, very casual, non dogmatic conversation around this subject and being online and mostly anonymous we can be vulnerable.

IDK in just throwing this out there to see if they're is interest. I know I'm not the only one in recovery and hope I'm not the only one struggling to be okay in this goddamn mess.

We do hard things, really really hard things, in recovery and too often feel we have to do it alone when there are so many of us out there. Reach out.

Hey my friend

While not in recovery in the same sense you are, I am consistently managing persistent depression. And I definitely have interest in this, though my ability to relate may be limited. I can however use the power of imagination to empower empathy to gain understanding and thus potentially provide some support.

I know you've been going through it from some of your other posts. I have love and support for you and enjoy seeing you more frequently on the Nexus.

Way to get back on the horse. Your trials are something I can only imagine and I commend you on your warrior spirit and resolve in continuing to fight and push through life.

I think you have a great idea here. I'm on board and hope others will be too.

One love

This has been a particularly crazy year. The stress of everything has just been weighing me down, and while I have not wavered in my recovery as far as narcotics, I have been struggling with energy and motivation. You aren't the only one.

First of all, regardless of what specific support is needed, support is always needed. If I am available, I am down to share, connect, and support, regardless. It's been a few years since my last drink. The last couple of years have been rough, but thankfully I have the tools to cope as best I can. I have done a lot of work and am just scratching the surface of inner exploration still and my energies are all over the place, super emotional and sensitive, and my nights have been ending in tears lately. Not because I am depressed, but because my meditations are stirring up buried pain, triggering old wounds, and "... it has to hurt if it's to heal". My beliefs, ideals, and opinions have changed a lot over the last few years and I kind of have a hard time even explaining where I am on the spirituality spectrum anymore. It almost feels like my beliefs are just as weird as my trips sometimes lol. Having said all that, I like this idea and if I can help in anyway, let me know.

Hey Null I love the idea for this thread and I am all for a recovery support thread here on Nexus. I have been going thru painful things in my own life and I relapsed like crazy on benzos several months ago. I am still holding strong on methadone maintenance seven years and counting. Still there has been trouble with slips on other substances (benzos alcohol meth and sometimes even heroin) when I experience a crisis. I pick up the pieces as best I can and move on. It is hard. Psychedelics feel like they are helpful and generally positive.

Hey hit me up any time buddy.

Right on man, it's tough being open about that stuff. How are you doing with that? I know that most if not all of the ones here are combos of different things, adulterated with dangerous shit like fent, or just misrepresented "RC" benzos (not that they are RCs, that's what people are calling them). Benzos are horrible because detoxs can't take patients presenting with an addiction, it is a medical issue that needs constant monitoring due to the seizure risk. Dependancy can take mere days from what people tell me with some of these things, like the injectable etizolam that is everywhere.

Thanks for responding to this. I know we aren't the only skeevy junkys here

I haven't been able to do any psychs. I tried when I was in the RCP, drinking a cold-steeped lemon tea with 1/2 gram of last year's cyans to test. Too many dying people around me, not cool man. Tried again last week in an experiment to see if micro-dosing actually is a thing or just a placebo fad and I'm leaning to the latter, or at least that it is useless in crisis. I'm taking a substance break from everything besides coffee including nicotime, it feels good.

I almost attempted suicide last week and checked into hospital. Being cured of cancer and suicidal is messed up place to be, but I started really, really regretting having my surgery since I was stable and happy before it took everything away from me and it only gave me another 20 years max, when I would've had ten happy stable and ignorant ones. I'm in a triage unit now in your great state because Oregon has so few services despite the raging myth that it takes care of it's vulnerable and marginalized citizens. (BTW, if you want to move to Oregon to take advantage of things like healthcare and housing, you are FAR better off in places like Manhattan, Philly or Chicago. They actually do, we do not.) I may be moving up here. There have been at least two shootings and one homocide in my (nice) neighborhood in the last 2 days, the violence is out of hand here. All the homeless wanna-be gangsters bought guns and a bag of dope with their EIP payments (what, did you think they were gonna do something good with it, like help themselves??) and now they are the "real" thing. Just like the fake tough-guy jackass who gets his neck blazed and is all of the sudden a bad-ass, except actually dangerous. Portland is absolutely f###ed right now and won't be getting any better anytime soon. It is a huge part of why I went into crisis.

Anyway, yeah. Let's keep this dialogue going? If it is offensive to others, we can move it to DM or something. I know mental health problems and being open about it scares the $#!+ outta people, so...

Be good to ya, OG.

Null, I don't think I expressed myself very clearly so I apologize for that. What I meant by my post is that I am willing to listen, share, and be supportive. I am sorry about the struggles you have been facing. I too like the idea of a support thread.

Apparently, I'm on the mailing list of The Psychedelic Society of San Francisco, which is cool with me, even though I don't live anywhere close to that area.

Anyway, they recently sent me an email, which I'm posting here, about a psychedelic recovery group that they're doing, both in person and via zoom.

Here's the link to their zoom meeting registration page...

https://us02web.zoom.us/...HdwDws3VL2xgHQp4BaSxrT-S

null24, I know Portland has a psychedelic society. If there's not a local, psychedelic recovery group already, I wonder if you could start something like this in your area...


Register for Psychedelic Recovery In Person!
We are so excited to announce that the Psychedelic Recovery group is reintroducing our in person meeting! After a year-long online hiatus, we are welcoming you to gather with us in person at the new Portal Community Center.

Meet us at 12 PM on Saturday August 21st at
3051 Adeline St, Berkeley, CA 94703

We are group of peers in recovery that believe that psychedelics and plant medicines can help us recover from addictive patterns that we are ready to release from our lives. We gather regularly to support one another to effectively understand and integrate these life-changing tools. We believe addiction is ultimately a gift, a guide and a teacher on our path bringing us to our purpose on this planet.

"The Antidote for Addiction is Love"
Register for Psychedelic Recovery In Person!

Join Psychedelic Recovery Group On Zoom
Our Psychedelic Recovery group is growing and now offered weekly with individuals all around the world healing in our transformative community. Groups are on Wednesday evenings at 6:30 PM Pacific on Zoom!

We believe that we can expand out of addiction and psychedelics can be a catalyst for this change. Members of PR have either already experienced the transformative capacity of psychedelics, are currently using them to heal, or are interested in learning what role they may play in their recovery. Beyond addiction, some individuals may turn to psychedelics to aid in mental health, personal growth, personal development and well-being.
Join Psychedelic Recovery Group On Zoom
With sincere gratitude and respect,
Danielle Negrin
​Founder, Psychedelic Recovery

I'm definitely up for these ideas, it's much easier to heal if you are part of a group who moves towards that direction. We all have ups and downs, and can help out one another when someone is feeling down.

Just a quick suggestion, the forum as a Chat function, I'm trying to be active there and would invite everyone who reads this (looking at you, lurking Guest, hit that register button and chat with us on the new member area )to tag along. Communication can be key when healing and growing.

I'm going to be getting off kratom soon. Im' having trouble sticking to a taper, so I'm thinking about flushing (actually that would clog the toilet) everything and going cold turkey. In fact, I feel torn between wanting to take more and more of it and just throwing it all away everyday. I feel like it's worsening my mental state, making me more agitated, prone to paranoia, and miserable than I might normally be, but obviously it somewhat rewarding...or I would just stop (right?).

I've stopped drinking, which caused me some major problems (particularly sleep problems, whereas I've always had very good sleep my whole life), and have stopped taking suboxone (which I was worried about withdrawing from)... I'm trying to get back to eating healthier and exercising regularly, but honestly it's difficult. At the same time, I feel like if I can just "get" it... then all of this would be easy.. Logically I know what is best for me... and by proxy best for everyone else... but there is something blocking me.. Idk what it is...

Anyways, I will try to remember to post back when there is something to say.

Hey all. I feel somewhat regretful that I responded with negativity in my own post looking for support. I also want to say that since I posted the OP, I have been very active kin creating a support network. I went to one of my providers while in crisis and was helped by being referred to a crisis triage. WHile there, something happened and I was able to let go of all the expectations and demands I had put upon my own life and was then able to reassess my entire situation.

In my illness I lost everything, and when it happened, I thought that I was doing really good. I had held onto housing for over a year, was working towards a new career path and had gathered some material things and I used all of theses things to measure my life and it's wellness. When I lost all of it-and my health- it was too hard for me to understand. My spirituality turned dark and all I could see it for was a universe causing suffering for no reason other than to make me suffer. I got better physically, but the darkness remained and grew stronger until it threatened to swallow me whole, and erase my being. When I let go of all of my desire and expectation, I began to see it as a precious gift designed to force me into alignment with my values and goals. It turned me on to my intrinsic self.

Since then, I have been in transitional but stable housing, began working a new job and putting money away to gain my independance, have restarted a little side business and am having some success growing a little side art biz, and have been putting together a support network of providers (mental health, behavioral health, group meetings, acupuncture, chiropractic, yoga and regular doctors and specialists) and getting back in touch with old friends who are good for me to be around.

It is working very well, and I really feel better about my life than I ever have in my adulthood. Finally beginning to truly address the trauma at the core of my inability to connect with life through doing counseling along with the body work- all my providers are trauma-informed pratitioners- is some really hard stuff to do, but I am just beginning to see the nbenefit. For the first time in my life I am starting to feel how "normal" people who are living effective lives feel. I move through emotions rather than getting stuck in them, enacting strategies to avoid them and continuing to live in the places and times from where they emerge. My feelings clue me into who I truly am, and for once I am beginning to gain some fluency and agility.

So, I think I can be supportive as much as I need support. I actually am seeing some success and can possibly help others too. Hope IS truth.



Spiralout: Kratom is a bitch. I hate the stuff. They sell it in stores under the pretense of it being safe because it is a plant (and I am hearing rumors about some that is sold legally being adulterated with fentanyl, but cant verify the truth of that.) People do get addicted, and it has very similar withdrawal qualities to any other opiate. What are your thoughts on getting through the withdrawal?

Cold-turkeying suboxone can be dangerous-at least psychologically. From what I understand, it should be titrated even slower than methadone because of it's affinity and long half-life. The stuff sticks around, and long, slow tapers seem to be the best route to avoid WD symptoms. This is of course relative to your personal biology and metabolism. Some people can drop methadone doses fairly fast, with high percentages of dose-decreases, but other will complain about withdrawal from dropping 1% of a 100+ mg dose...psychological WD maybe, but still slow and steady seems to win that race.

Please be careful, going back out there is not an option. The dope on the street right now is all fentanyl, in fact in my city, fentanyl has completely taken over in the form of fake oxy pills. Any heroin is arriving from Mexico already adulterated with it, and unscrupulous- and unqualified- local dealers are further stepping on it with fent. A dealer told me recently (wasn't buying, just keeping an ear to the street to know what is going on) that soon heroin will be a "boutique" drug, replaced by the much easier to import, far cheaper alternative of a pure synthetic product like fentanyl. It just makes (evil) business sense, and the loss of customers to death is a negligible cost risk because of the skyrocketing addiction rates. The local LEO just busted some number of POUNDS of the pure stuff and hundreds of already pressed pills recently. And you know if they confiscate a pound, there is another hundred somewhere else nearby going out on the street. It is freaking terrifying out there, just watching what the addicts on the street are going through right now from a distance gives me a real sense of urgency in my own journey and desire to help them be safe.

Why do you think you use? For me it was a numbing strategy to avoid feeling feelings emerging from a traumatic past. I was not really cognizant of it until recently, it is such a complex knot of memory and experience to unravel.

I am here and I think my peer perspective gives me a little understanding of what someone suffering in addiction is going through and have some actionable and practical resources for assistance to give if wanted. I also need support and this is the best virtual community for me because most of you share a common philosophy and worldview.

Wish all of you peace, I really do. Today, I will do my best to be and not do. Be good to you.

EDIT:
Indeed there is. At the risk of sounding egoist (like that ever stopped me), I was part of the original 5-person group that began the thing like 6 or 7 years ago, and even came up with the name I love- PEERS: Portland Entheogenic Exploration and Research Society, lol-wish they still used it I think it is far more creative than PPS. I think the original founder would not let them or something. There was a lot of personality politics that threatened to destroy the whole thing, then it was taken over by folks that wanted to derive some profit from it. Then it turned into a 501(c)3, and they are doing some decent stuff, like Veteran-only meetings, community meet ups in parks and whatnot. They are mostly through their FB group now and with the number of members-over 2000 I think- it gets pretty immature and just dumb sometimes. I am thinking about presenting the idea of a recovery based group with them though if I could do it in-person with maybe zoom capability but I like face to face, I am pretty sure they would be receptive and there is a need.

There have been a couple splinters, like Psanctum Pychedelia put together by Tom Hatsis and his partner Eden which is doing some really cool stuff, like a monthly open-mic (which I keep spacing off going to) and hosting speakers who may not otherwise be platformed who represent non-dominant genders and cultures rather than the typical CIS white guys. But yeah, you should join them all, I am in the SF group, a couple in Europe, one in Atlanta (my hometown) and a couple others. I think there is one on Ohio, which I find equally funny and cool.

Namaskaram, null24!

I am both sorry to hear you had such a challenging episode, and equally grateful to hear about your journey back to sanity. I love this idea, and I am very much interested in the psychedelic recovery groups. I may start one myself in my area. Keep on keepin on!

man, I had completely forgotten that I had made this original post. I did so when I think I was on the verge of- or rather already in- my last major crisis episode. Reading it is difficult for me because to be honest, it brings up some feelings of shame for reaching out in that way (and I know that's just my b######t, I don't need advice on that ) and it just brings back some of the pain I was experiencing at that time, not so long ago. But it also shows me some perspective, and gives me some metric to measure where I am now against.

At that time, I had recently healed from a major, life-threatening infection after lung cancer surgery. I think the only reason it didn't kill me is because that was the one bit of control I wasn't giving up, no effing way. Only I can take me out, motherlover. That experience was like a 5-month long ego death that I did not want at all. Kicking and screaming the whole way, while every last bit of control I had 'over' my life was wrested from me, leaving me with literally nothing- but my life. Not in the sense of stuff and purpose and meaning, but life in the sense of inhabiting a material form with consciousness. And f#####g needs, none of which I was able to meet. Needs for food, shelter, safety let alone love, inclusion, and support. *hint: They all could be met, but I was so stuck on the loss that I couldn't let it happen. The things I know to be True- Big T-True all went dark. The light that informed my spirit receded into an infinite creeping dark of living death, a blackness that worked like dark light, destroying all meaning and purpose. I began to believe that the universe made me suffer, took all of the things that were so hard-won that I so deserved, and that if anything holds meaning in this intentional universe, then that meaning must be sorrow and suffering.

I think I need to say here that I am, yes indeed, mentally ill. I have been most of my life and for most of my life it was undiagnosed and untreated. It is a life threatening illness and on more than one occasion I have almost died from it. PTSD and depression are real, and as another thread in here talks about, depression is a state of consciousness, like awakefulness, dreaming, or psychedelic states and to degrees can completely alter a person's ability to accurately see the world for what it is. I know this, and I know my diagnoses, and so instead of acting on the suicide plan I was putting together, I got help. And I am glad. The OP was made in that state of consciousness and it reflects the sort of irrational thinking, the inability to perceive reality with any kind of reasonableness and be future-based in thinking. Instead, I just was in a world in which all the light had been sucked out.

Somewhere in the time a space when I was in crisis triage, after asking for help and being referred in, a literal flip in my consciousness occurred and I began to see a much brighter and more realistic picture about what went on in my life through all this: In reality, I wasn't doing that great when I got sick: I had no support, was trying to do things to please other non-existent people in order to present some kind of put-together image and worse of all, was doing just enough "work" on myself to tick that box. In reality I was unhappy, unfulfilled, looking for some way to escape and was heading for a big relapse. I had in actuality relapsed with the diagnosis but it was not very long and even without it I am pretty sure it would have happened anyway. I had already been doing some pre-contemplative stuff, as recovery meeting types like to say. All of this suffering was transitory, and was a gift. Like I said, a five-month long ego death in which everything was stripped down, leaving nothing but the core self, naked and trembling in fear. Somewhere in that space, I felt this and understood like an "A-ha!!" moment, and knew that the gift was to force me to align myself with my values, walk my talk, stop denying my life and covering it up with falsified BS and truly live it.

For awhile I was not really sure what was going on, it must be a manic thing, but life started becoming increasingly easy. Suddenly, I had a real desire to put in the energy into doing the work I needed to do on my self. I had learned how to cry during this whole think-I'm-gonna-die-soon-and-don't-wanna thing, and as dumb as it sounds, I think letting myself have that vulnerability- not just to let others see me cry, but even to actually cry, was a big step in opening myself up to the feelings that I knew would emerge if I did truly engage in any kind of trauma resolution work. Those feelings are as scary as violent death is to me, because that is from where they originate. I wasn't able to cry for so long- decades- because I was unable to feel. Trauma made me create vast complex and elaborate numbing strategies which never allowed me to escape my story, but allowed me to escape my feelings about it. Not even just drugs, although heroin was a big part of that for many years, but just ways of thinking that served to remove me from my present state. Being able to let myself feel, and to process the emotions- with the help and guidance of people who are working with me on a professional level (don't do trauma resolution at home on the weekends- I tried, it doesn't work, and if it does, you'll be a wreck,) is such a huge step for me that just doing that has vastly improved the way I live my life.

I had no emotional fluency or agility, I had always let feelings run all over me or avoid them, and mostly because of the stories they connect to. Understanding how the needs that weren't met in the past connect to my present feelings has been liberating for me and allowed me to begin to finally free myself from a place I left 35 years ago, but which has been my prison ever since. This is the step I have been missing, it feels to me almost exhilarating as if I found something that will help do everything I have wanted to do; I feel more creative and energetic than I really have my entire adult life. And just from something as simple as learning how to identify a feeling, locate it in my body, go into it and learn the need it is connected to. Feelings are the clues you have to who you really are, to the deepest core of selfhood. Just saying, it's a different perspective for me. And it all lets me do the things I know to be part of my Big-T Truth that eluded me: Be-ing, not doing, playing the game of life, letting the universe provide abundantly because after all, what the heck else does it do but abundantly provide? Etc, etc etc, there's a bumper-sticker in there somewhere that'll make someone a million bucks, lol.

OK, shoot, for anyone who read all that self-absorbed, self-concerned mono-logue, you have my condolences. I just want to get to the actual fact and point that we all need support sometimes, and relate through my recent experience a story about how things can get better. Hope is truth, as trite as that sounds.

If things suck for you right now, and you don't feel freaking OK, that is cool. You don't have to worry or think about things getting better, just where you are now. And if you want or need support in a non-crisis situation, post here, it sounds like there are plenty of folks that can relate and would be into exchanging (virtual) connection. If you are in crisis and are thinking about hurting yourself, call a local crisis line- please ask for help.

We all gotta have each other in this, it is freaking rough out there, y'all.

I am in recovery and you can reach out to me anytime. I've been in and out of recovery for 20 years without about a decade total sobriety although I've been sober for the last 2.5 years this time, I have a world of applicable knowledge of recovery. I don't know how you feel about 12 step groups but they saved my life, the fellowship I am a member of has members that would consider my cannabis use or psychedelic treatments relapse but that's a bunch of nonsense because legality does not equivalate to morality, using LSD, Psilocin and DMT does not "set off the allergy" and cause a physical compulsion to take Oppiates or Phynecycledine and 'to thine own self be true' - my use and intentions are entirely medical and spiritual and more akin to work that recreational. It's no One business but mine however there are some members I have shared what works for me with and they think it's great. It's my goal to be a long term example of what a "hopeless person" can achieve with psychedelics plus recovery.

Anyone here can contact me anytime and I will always do my best to provide any help and support that I am able. The biggest things I've learned is staying sober requires altruism and a relationship with my creator. I've been going through some crazy stuff with my highschool age son. He won't go to school, his mom homeschooled him his whole life. I managed to get him to go 4 days in a row and they suspended him for getting beat up, now he won't go again, yells at me, breaks things and is thouroughly disruptive. Did I mention we were estranged for 3 years (because mom said I was unfit) then she kicked him out a few months ago and here we are. It's been very painful but I haven't had a single serious thought about PCP, dope or pills. Everything is going to be alright even if it isn't alright.

Yeah man. That is a great perspective. Children are not part of my reality and I cannot empathize with the challenges you are going through with your son. It has to be really hard. Things have changed so drastically with schooling the last couple years with the pandemic and the things and decisions parents have to face now seem overwhelming to me. In my area, there are stories about disruptive behavior and one middle school just closed over fights for student and staff safety for 4 weeks while they figure out a strategy to deal with it. It seems kids have just kind of lost it through this pandemic, and I can't blame them. Good on you for not getting loaded over it. The challenges life hands us cannot be handled effectively loaded, I think you know that. My relapse over the cancer diagnosis only made things worse. Sounds very challenging for you, but you also seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders and that are equipped that way to do what is best for you and the ones that depend on you, despite the extreme difficulty you must be experiencing. Keep on keeping on, bro. Situations like yours are what I hope this thread and maybe anything that evolves out of it can be there for.

As for 12 steps, after talking about the following ideas, one of my behavioral health people asked me to write up a talk to present in some local 12-step recovery communities around the non-inclusive gender-based spiritual language (God as we know him, etc.), the wrongness of powerlessness and how personal power needs to be cultivated, abstinence versus harm reduction and meeting people where they are, the old-line, bumper-sticker version of recovery that 12 steps promotes versus evidence based results from MAT treatment and non-traditional ideas like psychedelics or even continued weed use, applying housing first principles to people struggling to meet their basic needs, and the insanity of asking people to be sober before help to meet those needs is given. When I get it written, I will post it here as I think some of it is relevant to this forum, specifically the idea that psychedelics can be a wonderful tool to fill the vacancies in the heart and minds of addicts and how weed use can keep some people away from harder drugs. I truly do not believe in abstinence, as I think drug use is normal behavior and that humans have an intrinsic desire to change consciousness at will- it is a human right.

It just depends on the relationship, consequences and intention of use. As a numbing strategy, it is eminently harmful. As a way to expand consciousness and explore the inner realms of mind and spirit, it is healthy, normal and beneficial. I do believe that even in an addict, a balance can be achieved and think similar to you, D.T. that things like weed do not "set off an allergy". While I have taken a look at my dependence on cannabis and have severely cut back on my use, I still use occasionally as a sort of pseudo-psychedelic mind expansion thing. There is a guy out there with letters behind his name promoting the idea thru books and podcasts that casual heroin use is OK based on the fact that only a small number of people become addicted who try it, but I have some real problems with the guy and don't go that far with my ideas around healthy use. Heroin ain't cool in any way, shape or form in my world.

I don't have a "problem" with 12 steps, it does indeed save lives, but I think it just as, if not more often discludes and dissuades people from connecting with it. The one commonality I have observed in people who are able to successfully achieve recovery- which I define as moving from a place of experiencing consequences from adverse life experience into one of independent and stable, fulfilling life circumstances- is community and support. What I have gotten out of 12 step meetings was the community support, but I have not been able to find that in a long time. Principles over personalities seems to not be a thing where I live, and the meetings I have gone to are rather cliquish and judgey around MAT or god forbid psychedelics. Radical honesty is part of my policy in being drug-free, and having to lie about my status as a MAT patient and psychedelic user makes going an impossibility for me. But I started going to a Buddhist-based meeting and there it is even worse, with special hand signals and words I don't recognize and religious dogma and I got really, REALLY turned off by it. I go to some groups at my MAT clinic, but they are based in trauma-resolution and emotional fluency through non-violent communication. I am in my 3rd year of the NVC group and we are going through Rosenberg's "master class'. And it is all free, I can't imagine what something like that would cost were I to sign up for it. I was introduced to the ideas of trauma being somatically centered and its relationship to my addiction through these and would like to see similar things expanded into the general public in free forums. Maybe that is a thing waiting for me to do. I am very lucky to attend such a enlightened place. All the staff has experience with addiction from a personal stance and that practical knowledge shows in the way it is run, the policies and the staff that is hired. It is the first one in the state that allowed patients to receive take-home doses of their medication if they only have cannabis positive UA results.

I am trying to enter "the field" as a peer-support, but am having difficulty finding the place that is consistent with my values and where I can be open and use my peer-based skills to the best potential. I also want more time being independent, crisis-free and stable under my belt. I want to change things from the inside, to make recovery accessible to all, especially with the mortality around the explosion of meth and fentanyl on the street. The CDC today just released (old) data that confirms my suspicion that 2020 had more deaths from addiction than ever before, with over 100,000 OD deaths recorded in the 12 month period. That is astounding and awful and something needs to be done to save more lives.

Please, be good to you. It is OK to not be OK but even in the hard times we can seek peace. Hope is truth.

Same boat, struggling with benzos. Got addicted to valium for the relief it provided for my back pain / making marijuana more enjoyable. Now I'm just addicted they barely help and I use them to just "stay sober" you're not alone!

If they are something you are looking to get off of completely it needs to be a very slow and gradual process, or risk withdrawal hell. I thought I was going to die 2 weeks into a cold turkey after 2 years use.

Havent had any experience with opiates or alcohol but anyone feel free to reach out!

I've been doing really well in regards to my recovery. It has been a good six months since I've used any benzos or any other vice type drug. This last two years was a really easy time to slip into benzo relapse, it was so goddamn crazy all over the world and you could cut the anxiety in the air with a knife. Glad to have my feet firmly under me, I need to be totally abstinent from some certain things in order to have any chance of living a meaningful existence.

Like I said before psychedelics are helpful. I <3 plant psychedelics and am so grateful for having them in my life as tools for empowerment, teachers, God of my understanding etc. I will be eternally grateful for the Nexus for my tutelage in the use of these compounds. Thank you from the bottom of my heart it has made a world of difference.

Good to hear it Tony. I too know from experience how hard those are to kick. I've kicked opiates over 100 times and may again, but I can with confidence say that I will never risk going through that again. I won't even take them in a hospital setting, those things scare the be-jeezus out of me. So yeah man, good on ya.

Stick with it man, we kinda wanna keep you around, I worry endlessly about people I know out there. I am so traumatized by all the death that if I don't hear for a week from someone who I know who is using, my stomach drops. As far as using benzos illicitly-or as a 'vice'type drug, or however we want to put it- I think we are close enough geographically for it to be similar on the street, and I know there hasn't been a real one sold on the street here for years and years. They don't even hide the fact that they are RCs anymore- there are new nicknmaes I don't even know for them, but I do know they are dangerously wild in dosage variance and other adulterants vary from batch to batch, pill to pill even. Not to mention the ones that are just rhoophie and fentanyl pressed into bars... It is nutbags scary out there. The people selling these things, from the top of the distro chain all the way down to the junky selling them on the street, literally do not GAF if the customer lives or dies- a stark difference to how it was when I was ripping and running out there. If nothing else kept me sober, just knowing what is going on out there in the guise of drugs is enough to prevent messing around...

No one should ever ever buy off the street! Pressies are killing right now!

There was this RC benzo being peddled by some dumbshit at our clinic, called clonazolam. People were blacking out left and right. Super dangerous looking stuff from what I saw. Etizolam is pretty safe in comparison, pretty comparable to regular valium or xanax or whatever. I still stay away, they fuck my life up again and again...