Okay man, hey. Welcome. You are in a lot of pain, obviously, and that is totally okay. Nobody here is going to judge you, but we may have some concern for your safety and well-being. Reading your post, it brought tears to my eyes because I can empathize with many of the feelings you expressed. Trauma is insidious but you don't have to be in it forever. I was hoping that the post would conclude with some sort of statement of seeking resolution, at the very least, and it did.
I want to thank you for the vulnerability you took to share your pain. I want to ask you what are you doing towards healing and resolving your trauma? For a lot of people like you and me, any drug -even something as mind-bending as DMT- can become a numbing or escape strategy. They prevent us from being able to engage in the emotional processing that is necessary to begin and continue with any healing process of trauma. We become stuck in our stories and never become free of the time and place where they occured. You seem very aware of this, which is a good thing. Severe depression and drugs typically make things a lot worse in the long run unless administered through some sort of intentional protocol within a healing modality. Trauma and depression are intricately linked but in my experience using a mixture of several different forms of therapy, to address psychic, spirit-based and somatic roots of the traumas that create the set of life-destroying symptoms of depression and PTSD can be effective in time. A person needs to have lots of support and basic needs met in order to engage in this kind of work, and unfortunately that is one reason we see many people living outside stuck in drug addiction and pain, because they don't have the supportive environment needed to heal. Maybe one day as a people we will unconditionally regard everyone with love and seek understanding and connection across the board, but until then there is a lot of hard work to do to get better. But it sounds like you do hard s##t, so cool, right?
Is there any support system you have in place- professionals or care providers, do you see a doctor you have a good relationship with? Are there any things that have worked or that you are interested in trying?
There are a lot of people here that will support and encourage your healing journey.
But I would like to remind you that this is a harm-reduction oriented community, and some of the language in your post reflects the possibility that you may be in a mental health crisis. Or it may just be the way you use language, it is impossible to know from one post. But if you are in or near crisis, let's make sure you are getting some help. And man, it is totally okay to
not effin be effin okay- alright? Getting help-and asking for it is true courage and strength, and that is not shameful. Are you in contact with or know of any crisis-related resources in your community like phone or text lines, or walk-in centers? I'd like to hear some of your thoughts.
I'll leave you with this. Out of all the darnesses I have been through, and in the middle of most I would have said this is some corny-a** s***, but ultimately it is one of the few things I know to be real- Hope is Truth, friend.
How are you doing?
Sine experientia nihil sufficienter sciri potest -Roger Bacon
*γνῶθι σεαυτόν*