Hello everyone,
First of all, I want to apologize for my broken English. I am writing this text in French and going through a translator to communicate with you. I have been reading you every day for a month now, sometimes several hours, machine translation has not been a problem for me until now to read you but I hope it will not pose any to express myself with you.
Until now, I didn't have to post, I found through all my reading here, all the answers to the questions that came to me so far in my journey. And it is following an "accident" of a friend, that I had the need to register. Now that I am here, I am ready to share the spirit of the community with you. Suddenly, my presentation may be a bit long, it is indicated that it is enough to show authenticity, so here I am, and my authenticity ... I give myself up to you.
It has now been two years since I crossed the path of psychedelics. Until then, I wasn't very interested in drugs. I smoked a little weed, I would have liked to explore other substances but not knowing how. The life I was leading hadn't given me access to it. Illness hit me and everything changed.
The cluster headache is a painful migraine, it is considered in France as one of the worst pains that the medical world can know, comparing it to the tearing of a limb without anesthesia. I did not understand what was happening to me. Doctors took several months to find a diagnosis and propose a treatment, which was ultimately unsuccessful. I was told that my cluster headache was atypical, like no other, resistant, and chronic. I saw my life crumble, but I had no right. My children can only count on me at the risk of being entrusted to an abusive father. I know I am combative, I looked for solutions.
I discovered the existence of mushrooms as a possible treatment. And it was my daily life for almost two years. In France, we find little information on this subject. Doctors don't know about it, I can't talk to the neurologist who follows me, it's illegal.
We played doctors with my boyfriend, growing, dosing trials, we messed up, lots of times, we had great successes too, sunny days and hopes.
I experienced my first shamanic quest, to see the world differently, I experienced a total spiritual transformation. Beyond managing my cluster headache, it made me even stronger.
I went on trips on days when it was not necessary, because the treatment above all, fighting the pain when the set & setting is not good ... I went through the madness, I thought I would stay there too. I thought I was damned, I wanted to die to make it stop. Since then, my relationship with death has always been a bit special, as if we were making copain-copain.
I started not to put up with mushrooms anymore. By dint of taking them every two weeks, sometimes every week, my stomach rejected them even before digesting them. It has been such a trying time. I was hoping I could switch to LSD but didn't know the drug business, didn't even know where to start looking. It was on an cluster headache forum that a person put me in contact with their supplier.
That day my life changed again, I rode a roller coaster never to get off. The person I was put in touch with is a blessing from the sky. A fabulous man, who gives to patients like me, his friends call him the "terrorist of the soul" because he opens perspectives to people. It wasn't long before he told me about DMT.
I tried LSD which turned out to be as effective as mushrooms without the annoyance on my stomach. But the disease is still disabling. I don't understand why the testimonials I read talk about taking a mushroom or LSD once or twice a year to abolish the pain when I have to do this kind of treatment every month at a minimum.
I find my account there. The discoveries I make about myself during my LSD trips improve my life. I remain the same but I am augmented. I am becoming the one I aspired to be and that the shackles of society or education kept me from becoming. I feel free. True freedom. That of the soul perhaps? I can think for myself, spread my wings, I feel happiness, and I finally look to the future with great desire.
My benefactor and terrorist of the soul friend observing me evolve, therefore directs me towards DMT. I read in a medical thesis that this molecule could have beneficial effects on cluster headache but I can not find more information. After all ... I found everything on my own, I will continue my own trials and be my doctor, under the supervision of my life partner.
I did my first tests with an old vape. It was cool, pretty colors, like watercolor, some fractal-like visions with closed eyes, a buzz and a feeling of power. I understood by this sensation that I was touching there on a molecule of a completely different level.
I switched to e-mesh fairly quickly. It was the slap! Omagad...
Nothing will ever be as it was before.
What I now take to be one of the most precious experiences of my life, in which I feel a very strong longing and love for it, was at first one of the most traumatic. However, I had dosed light, the idea of a breakthrough was not even mentioned with my lover. I left in less than 10sec in ego death. Absolute nothingness until the "me" repop in several stages: as a simple idea, as a concept of "existence", an existence which struggles not to disappear, which seeks to survive. Then a few thoughts "I'm here to treat the AVF, it's 10min, it's DMT, I want it to stop, DMT never again in my life, my love help". Absolute terror. When I came back, I didn't know anything anymore, I wasn't breathing. I felt my first breath as if it was the first, as if I had felt my alveoli unfold. I was aware of having to relearn everything. I realized that I was missing another sense, sight. I opened my eyes for a quarter of a second and thought it was too much information, that before, I was fine without it. I cried, a lot.
In the evening, I was afraid to sleep, this same fear of disconnection when the mind lets go to sink into the dreamlike. My boyfriend must have held my hand like a child, and I felt the exact same disconnection that I was dreading.
The next morning I was different. Obsessed to the extreme in my emotions. I looped music to amplify my feelings of unease. And around 1 p.m. I had a switch. I can now say that at this precise hour I came out of the depressive state in which I had been for two months (I am usually very combative, but a few events in life had weakened my strength vis-à-vis the disease, and I had rather dark reflections on death, without the will to act).
I was in the car, I changed the music. When I arrived I turned on my networks again (I had turned everything off, even my text messages and my wifi, for a month), I felt an urgency to contact certain people that I love, in particular my supplier-benefactor to whom I did not. had not spoken for a few weeks, and the "bro" of my boyfriend with whom I had been angry for 2 years.
The story with "the bro" is special. It's a relationship I care about, but it screwed up for bullshit. This guy hurt me, deeply, and the story went unanswered without explanation, as we were both stuck in silly grievances. I invited him to come so that we can talk, there on the spot, convinced that it was madness and that I would be alone in my delirium. He has come the long way. We hugged each other, barely talked about the past. Our relationship has become more intense, it is overflowing with love. We have been planning for a while to extricate ourselves from society with our group of friends here, with land, "the bro" is joining our family in no time.
And my benefactor ... Became a fucking crush. I don't know how it happened, but I love this guy deeply, if he could know how much ... Fuck, I'm crying to write this
This ego death, as traumatic as it was at the time, was my rebirth. I started painting, I changed my musical style (a real 180 degrees, while I was psycho as fuck on my musical genre before). My entourage describes me as changed. I stay the same, but I give off an aura. They are happy with me.
It is undoubtedly the most wonderful of all the gifts that I have been able to receive.
Having said that. My main goal being to manage my cluster headache with tryptamine, I had a concern: "never again the DMT".
My sense of fear vanished in the hours / days that followed. But I had not forgotten the promise I had made to myself "over there". I didn't know who to listen to, me now, or me during the experience. And since I have a crazy tendency, 3 days later, I started again.
We changed the setup slightly. During my ego death, I looked for my love, so everywhere, and all the time, this notion of infinity, damn it ... I loaded in the same dosage, and I lay down on him, I would not look for him not this time, my undying love.
The ultimate terror took hold of me instantly. I couldn't close my eyes, I was paralyzed like a prey that has no chance against its much more powerful predator. And what paralyzed me? Absolutely nothing. My eyes were open facing… my corner of the living room ceiling man! My few balloons to have a nice color to look at, my white ceiling, my beam. Dafuck. The very essence of ultimate terror from the first seconds. So I thought, "10 minutes to go, ok! Fuck, I have to go 10 fucking minutes and that's just the start". I felt it was "that" DMT. Its language, its source code. My surroundings had taken on a whole new meaning, mind-blowing depth, insane sharpness, it was the same thing, but everything was different, it wasn't just the sight, it was like thinking in 3D. I had extra meaning. And I was terrified. So I spent my time trying to procrastinate, breathe, breathe, again ... Telling myself that if that was "that" DMT, I couldn't, never. The intensity went down, I felt that I was losing this "sense", this different way of thinking, that it was necessary, because the human mind is not made for that, it cannot take it. . As I lost it, I regretted it. I was losing ... It was heartbreaking. I felt absolute calm, barely time to think about it when I returned to this same living room, but with my own feelings, not twinkled by DMT.
I spoke to my benefactor who told me that if I didn't like it, I didn't have to force myself. But reading it telling me that scratched all my values. Something attracts me to this. Maybe it had nothing to do with DMT, I have a fighting spirit, always wanting to surpass myself. I do not know. I couldn't give up, it was stronger than me.
I changed everything. I tried during the day and outside, even lighter dosages, with background music (Zelda, melodic stuff and happy as fuck). I felt the pretty colors on the tree opposite, to feel the vibrations again, the power, to accommodate myself. I started again, closing my eyes, I plunged into my head in search of my pain, of my conscience, I laughed, I was no longer afraid. I heard "she" had such beautiful things to show me that there could be so much light. I cried again.
It was during this period that I read you for a month, night, day, without interruption. I ate all your words, hanging on your messages like an IV. If I got there, it's probably thanks in large part to all of you here. You have answered my questions.
I tried alone, leaving my boyfriend inside. I tried alone ... When he was at his house too. I faced apprehension before I jumped. I went through weeks of research on how to meditate, talk to my inner monkey, on integration. I am experiencing a transformation, I see the world differently, even more differently.
I said hello to shadows that are starting to show, which I understood to be harlequins by their playfulness, I said STOP! To kinds of medics-not-from-here who wanted me I don't know what and who freaked me out. I received the idea of a real world over there that the dimension where I go, where I find this sense that I lose here, where everything is as digital and deep, it is "the place, the based". I wondered what the hell I was doing here on earth, what had I come to look for in this life. For the moment the entities remain distant, I feel like following a tutorial from the world of the molecule. My penultimate attempt was a break attempt at 0.038 (I had dosed at 0.025 for ego death) where the depth of this 3D thought was at its peak, I felt the experience was too short to have the time to adapt to it and visit like that, it was already over. On this trip, nothing made sense to a human mind. The very clipart-3D visual was a boulder path and I was advancing towards a goal, a stage, I had the feeling of having gone even further "in the DMT", of having crossed a finish line, but no significant event making me say to myself "that's it!". It moved me all the same, my integration took longer.
And I still have this taste in the mouth that I love so much, like a secret that accompanies me.
And my last test ... The revolution ... I once again crossed this ultra sharp and 3D dimension, where thinking is so special. I have the impression of having seen my boyfriend there, or his soul (it's the 2nd time). And I don't know how ... I was ... OMFG! I have been beyond the universe. No one can believe this. No more of me, no more ego, there was no emotion, since there was no "me". I saw ... HIM. This strange being, black, not black like color, black like a black hole, but not empty, fuck it's indescribable. Humanoid in shape but I did not see a face, hand or feet. Above, it was dark and below there were all these colors ... These lines and these geometric shapes, like codes or an unknown alphabet. On a black background, the colors were neon. HIM, it looked like he was weaving all this together in a fluid movement. It wasn't matter, it wasn't light, I don't know what it was, it's something we don't have here. I felt that it was a structural basis of what we have, for the material. And not very far, from this weaving, the universe. I saw the ass of the universe guys! Damn, I'm an atheist!
Is this a breakthrough?
This is where I am after a little over a month of testing. I aspire to travel, explore. I don't want to have any questions, I realize that nothing will answer them, and that I will come back with even more questions than answers. I am often stirred, without trying to believe or theorize about what is going on there. Is it another world, THE world, is it inside my unconscious. It is, and that is all, it is already quite sufficient for the moment! I have a whole life to discover, it is the ultimate gift. And my daily life is enriched by it, but so much ... I become patient, even more loving, empathetic and benevolent. I vibrate!
As for my cluster headache. I currently live in a comfort that I have not experienced since the onset of my disease thanks to the combination of LSD (every two weeks in the worst periods) and DMT (currently once or twice a week, l fall is a difficult time), but also the benefits that DMT has brought in my life (the previous psyche had prepared the ground a lot of course).
In the questionnaire, there is a question that I really liked. If I had to have a super power, I would like to be able to transmit my emotions for example by giving the hand (and by having the will).
It is often said of me that I am courageous. No...
I am happy. I devour life. You know, life is so fucking good! There are things that make you so happy, if you just give yourself the means to appreciate them.
But we just have to learn.
We no longer know how to stop time to look at the smile of a 4-year-old girl. But this smile is so pure, it is given to you entirely, it is of infinite richness. If we can learn to stop time, just for that moment, to appreciate the value of the moment, we have the world at our feet.
Music can be an incredible language, a driving force for every emotion when the need arises to have more strength, or to relax, or to share with a friend something that words cannot say.
And love is misunderstood ... We usually love while waiting for something. Simply giving is the greatest satisfaction I have had to date. Karma has always taken care of the rest.
There is no courage in all of this, just happiness. Life is to be cherished.
I'd like to touch your hand, make you feel that way.
To all of you who have had the courage to read this far, thank you!
I'm not necessarily asking to become a member, it doesn't matter to me for the moment, I want to be integrated among you, this wonderful experience that takes place here, this aura. I have been through hell, I have fought in war, and I stand before you in all humility, asking to learn, for I know nothing. Please guide me, if I make a mistake, if I have a misunderstanding.
Do not hesitate to share what all this reminds you of, if necessary.
I wrote more detailed TRs of my trips, tell me if I have to wait to post them.
I just have a question, a friend is in serious trouble with the use of psychedelics (his body would have had a different assimilation). We suspect HPPD associated with delusional psychosis. Before directing him to a center, which will surely have definitive consequences in his life, we would have liked to be able to talk about it to a community of psychedelic users (but in France, the community is really poor compared to you). Can you orient me?
I leave you with a little musical sharing.
The Hungry music label - N'to, Worakls and Joachim Pastor
Particularly the tracks La clé des champs, Alter ego, Trauma, Carroussel (and so many others!)
And little thoughts ...
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Nothing is true, everything is permitted !
Full of love <3