This is an interesting thought to me. I have, a few times in my life, had the thought that "the world would be better off without X person". Even to the point where I vocalized that I wouldn't be affected if said person was dead. Maybe this is the same sub-psychological urge manifested in a different way. Where I differ is where you also differed. I never had a point to where I "didn't know how I didn't do it". I even had a person who had wronged me in a deeply emotional way (not relationship-based; deeper than that). And my sentiment on that person was "I will probably beat him to death; I will just hit him until I can't move my arms anymore". Coincidentally enough, when I finally did run into him, I was roughly 24-36 hours into an immensely transformational LSD experience. When I saw him, I had been so involved in the transformation that all of the urges to harm were overwhelmed by an amazing sense of peace, and resolve. I made an attempt to talk with him about it, in which he tried to be combative. I simply walked away shaking my head; confused. But over the course of the next few hours, I was able to work through my energies and right them. This has been my experience with psychedelics and aggression/urges to harm. I remember the urges slipping away into the ether. I mention this, because to have these urges surpasses the compounds and surely lies deep in his psyche. Which is why I suggested meditation. It is one thing to recognize the drive, but to have serious contemplation on acting on said drive is alarming. I truly hope that Jiv finds some help.

Again, blessings. I hope you find the positivity and answers you are looking for, Jiv.

Wow. Thanks for the concerns and the replies.
It is really hard to talk about such a thing with "normal" people. So that is great.
And it gave me a good reflection.
I do a few capoeira exercises in the morning.
Also had a conversation with a friend yesterday, that told me it sounds like some kind of addiction.
Although I took halucigenics less then once a month, it is the dependency on it to be able to release,
the high and the down etc. I understood there is nothing to do about the inner violence, apart for knowing it, and focusing on other things.
That there is a need that this energies satisfy, and how can I satisfy it in a positive way.
So really thanks for showing me that this is alarming.
I am going to calm down for now. I need to give some space for this shock.
e.g. the violence around here is also some kind of reflection for me to what I and others have inside, and where it can go.

I think the Buddhist and stoic concept of non-attachment might be helpful here. Through simple meditation and keeping a healthy balance in life we can learn to detach ourselves little by little from compelling thoughts, feelings and urges. It won't happen in an instant and you need to work to keep the balance but you can notice the difference if you take this approach.

I like this very simple exercise instructed in Yogasutra by Patanjali and now recommended by many psychologists:

"The consciousness can also be stilled by pausing after exhalation." (I.34)

I do this practice often when I feel restless or overwhelmed by emotions. It's a way to make those emotions feel less dramatic and less compelling. Instead of fighting the urges you take some time for yourself for their grip to loosen.

There is another beautiful verse in the aforementioned book, just before the one I mentioned:

"The consciousness can be satisfied and stilled by radiating friendliness, compassion, delight and equanimity towards all things, regardless of whether they are good or painful." (I.33)

The option to murder someone definitely falls in far behind the walk away and dont look back option. Murdering someone would require a tremendous amount of energy, passion, and commitment. Maybe you just need to sort out your priorities, and take more responsibility for your own feelings. Dont allow someone else that much control or blame for how you feel.

OOOOOO Capoeira! I used to do that. Good choice IMO.

You will certainly find care individuals hear that are happy to help.

You think that it may be some sort of addiction (emotional in this case) to psychedelics that may be impacting this? Didn't you experience this feeling on psychedelics (with your friend)?

Finding outlets, and suitable, but productive ways, of expressing yourself can also help you to manage and process this feeling. It's a feeling that is part of who we are, and should be embraced in the most balanced of ways

One love

One love

Am I the only one to notice the narrative link between Jiv's friend's messianic delusions and how the urge to kill completes that narrative according to the 'standard model' for a messiah?

I wonder how this time-tested trope reflects upon certain aspects of human psychology? I feel it is instructive, although I'm not about to organise all my thoughts on that matter here right now. Maybe later.

Absolutely.
It seems somehow I was drugged into his madness.
From my everyday "normal" point of view, it seems like he is dragged into some madness.
Part of the violence I was feeling was probably affected be this madness, but also a general
feeling of being in a crazy mindset. So killing the messiah, and that he will surrender to it.

And wanting to be in this madness is part of the addiction, I think. (Maybe for me too in some way)

I was hoping that he stops taking anything, after people told him that he is addicted.
Then this morning he messaged me he has a calling to start again, and that he wants me to give him Syrian Rue.(Obviously I will not do it.)

There are real temptations in the hyperspace I believe. Real, dark temptations. Experiencing these and choosing the path that corresponds your values strengthens your integrity, but you have to keep your head clear and be in good strength. I have found that if you are under the influence of cannabis or alcohol or if you are very tired the world easily becomes overwhelming and you may lose the sense of who you are and what you want.

That is the reason I'm not enthusiastic about too wide spread use of DMT. The good thing is that there are safety mechanisms built into the substance, but if you constantly ignore them or too naively believe everything you are shown there you can hurt yourself (and others).

Edit: An example of a temptation is the call to be the Messiah. While you may get a genuine call to bring something good into the world, you are also tempted by the very deep human desire to be something special, feel valuable and feel love. Delusions can feed on these desires and the genuine is mixed up with something else.

No, I definitely took note of that too. You're not alone lol.

One love