Greetings!
I am a man of 40 years old. I live in Belgium. A big reader. Not married but in a relationship. Librarian by profession. My background is that of a cultural catholic (so not truly a believer, but I grew up in the milieu nevertheless, even though my parents were not believers the culture is still there in a vestigial way, qua general attitude). I guess I am mildly neurotic, I have been on antidepressants for over a decade (this started with tinnitus). I have always led a "normal" life, being able to work.

I have recently succeeded in having somewhat of a trip on dmt, after two previous fruitless attempts. I had been long interested in the substance, through watching youtube video’s (Terence McKenna), reading Strassman’s book, which I had found by chance in a secondhand bookshop.

As I am ever intrigued by “profound stuff”, for example I read a lot of philosophy, I was just very eager to try DMT. Having previously taken moderate doses of mushrooms, lsd, as well as less moderate doses of cannabis. I am also familiar with more recreative drugs like speed, coke and xtc, mdma.

Testimonies which I’d heard of DMT were always reporting a sort of life changing, perspective changing experience, far reaching hallucinations which to the one experiencing them feel very “real”. I had heard from several reports that it changes the way you think about dying.

Having had my mother pass away two years ago, I was also very interested in what DMT could teach me about death. Was it true that death was not to be feared? That there is an afterlife?

A good friend was able to obtain it, and I went to his house as soon as possible to try it.

I had done my research, knowing how to prepare it, how to prepare the setting.

It was when evening fell, in a spacious greenhouse, decorated with lots of soft lights, we had some Indian chanting music on. My friend sat next to me to take the pipe from me.

My friend had been able to obtain a gram of the substance, and we took roughly 1/20th of the gram and put in the pipe. I vaped it up in one go.

Immediately I was sucked into what seemed like another dimension. My friend told me afterwards that my eyes were still opened, which surprised me.

What I experienced is hard to describe. I didn’t get a lot of visuals. I had the sense that I was in hell.

Everything was dark, as if I was in space, in general. I had the feeling that I had entered hell and that I would be there forever. I felt like crying (outwardly I showed no expression, except a brief look of astonishment in my eyes). I felt like this was the truth about the universe. I had screwed up and I had found the portal to hell. And now, for my curiosity and general badness, I was being punished.

Forever I was to exist in this “true” dimension, suffering for eternity. (another depressing thought i had was that this was the true destiny for the whole of the universe)

But then I started hearing the music again (Indian chanting on spotify) and this brought me back a little. I managed to glance beside me and slowly my friend reappeared.

He looked very concerned and sympathetic, as if he knew I had gone through something bad.

The first thing I said to him was “Don’t do this”. He looked “enhanced”, had a bit of an elfish vibe to him.

I told him I was very glad to be back and that I felt as I had been to hell.

I also said I’m glad you’re here to witness this, you have to remind me of what I’m telling you.
“Are you still “on” it?”

“Yes, I still feel it. But I’m ok now. I’ve been to hell, but I’m glad I witnessed it. I have the feeling that I have to change my life. ”

“But you’re a good person. How should you change your life?”

“I don’t know yet. This I’ll have to find out. I felt at one with the cosmos, but in a bad way. I felt the whole universe is evil. I have to start to investigate how I myself can be less evil, if that is possible at all. Because I don’t want to go to hell. But I am thankful for this revelation”.

Apparently, so my friend told me, throughout I had kept my eyes open, and the period when I had “tripped” had only taken about two minutes. At my feet were, dark wood chips. This can explain the sense of darkness.

I think this was not quite a "breakthrough" breakthrough. I didn’t enter any dome, didn’t see any colorful things, no entities, no shape shifting. It was very abstract and insular. A sense of horror and eternity. A sense of the true hidden reality, rather than the world of “representation” with which we are occupied usually.

I didn’t know whether this “hell” was the true reality, or if it appeared to me as such due to my own status of being a sinner. I don’t know if this line of thinking makes sense to any of you (I would love to hear your response, especially from those who have tripped many times on dmt. Is this usual? Is this some kind of “portal” before the actual breakthrough?)

I am now impressed with the idea that I was shown the existence of “hell”. I have to investigate whether I can be “saved”. But I also really want to do it again, to see if next time, I have revelations of a different nature (I would love to explore more, and find out about “helping spirits” of any kind)

As I said I am on antidepressants (SSRI). I had a slight hangover from the previous day (I had also been a bit irritable this day). And right before the trip I had drank about three beers and had a meal. so perhaps, my "set" was unfavorable?

I would love to hear any remark/feedback on this cursory report of my first dmt trip. Feel free to ask me any questions. Thanks for reading!

Welcome to the nexus!

I'm sorry to hear you had an unpleasant first experience, it still sounds really interesting though, thanks for sharing.

The SSRI can explain the lack of crazy visuals and diminished effects in general.

Did your friend endup trying it too? How was it?

I don't see why being evil or a sinner would necessarily give one a hellish experience.. i'm sure the dmt gods don't mind sins, it's probably just bcz you're belgian... joking :b (dr. Evil was raised by belgian parents)

Good luck on your next experiences

Welcome to the forum and welcome back to this side dvc777!

I've been to a place somewhat like that four years ago when I started experimenting. The experience lasted several hours and felt like thousands of years.

What I learned and what I took back was the message: don't be afraid and don't try to fight it.

We manifest our fears in our subconsciousness and psychedelics bring them forth. Love is the best antidote for fear. Taking care of people near you and living a life that is in harmony with your values is something these experiences often point to and growing in these aspects can open up new dimensions in the psychedelic experience too.

Welcome! Thank you for sharing such a detailed and personal trip report. It's interesting to hear how the experience impacts each of us in a way that is somehow both unique and universal.

I've had almost a complete cessation of negative trips by focusing on letting go of any expectations. This is a great way to deal with "scary" visuals, but I'm not sure how well it would have helped with your experience. I hope you take the time to integrate what you've learned and venture back when you feel ready.

Thanks a lot and LOL about Dr Evil. No, my friend is a bit more cautious. I'm not sure if I would recommend it to him. Perhaps it's not for everyone.

What, on DMT? Or ayahuasca? Several hours?
Thanks for the welcome

Cheers for the welcome. I don't think I had any expectations, though. I kind of expected it not to work, since I had two previous attempts where nothing much happened except for a tree becoming "liquid" and assuming the aspect of a fellow being, rather than just an object.
I didn't have bad or good expectations. You know, I think one thing will help me in the future. Next time I will experience that I am stuck in eternity, at least I'll remember that it happened before and that I should relax more.
I really hope that i can get a different kind of experience with it. In a sense to give me hope, to mitigate the sense of dread that I now have...

Cannabis 🙂

I was very inexperienced back then. I was drunk and took a huge blow from a bucket bong. I sat down and couldn't move. I thought that this is it. This is the cannabis psychosis. My mother will grieve the rest of her life this. All the fears and bad vibes that had been loaded into drug use manifested then.

Quite a jump start to the journey 😄

I went very deep with cannabis for quite a while and had psychotic like experiences but I felt and still feel I need to go through them.

I hope you didn't get into any psychosis of long duration... Are you ok now?
I have a friend to whom this happened (after cannabis), he's never been the same.

I've experienced the same thing from weed withdrawal....

I experienced imo literal hell from weed withdrawal one time. It was me alone in the dark forever. Just me, no one else forever, nothing else forever. I don't think hell is fire etc.. it's pure black, being totally alone n disconnected. Thats a worse hell than your family members getting burnt alive etc at least thats some activity. Hell is nothing, and the conscious experience of that eternal nothingness.

It's really weird you had the same experience on dmt.

That's very interesting. It seems like we had a very similar experience. Have to say, I didn't know weed withdrawals could have such effects... Truly terrifying.

I think a lot of these substances should be looked at like fual. Depending on your natural brain construction you can experience this as an energizing of thought and subconscious connection. You consciousness almost gets shifted to areas it otherwise couldn't sustain.

And A withdrawal from that can possibly leave your consciousness in an area with no energy. And that experience is horrible, It's a conscious experience of no progression, no connection, no freedom. Totally alone.

Intresting stuff huh lol

I also think the concepts of the eternal Dao and the idea of heat death and black holes might be related.

Yeah, I always came back when the dope wore off. However I did realize that breaking your mental health with weed is no joke.

I feel this way myself, I think of most psychedelics as "brain steroids" of a sort.

dvc777, from everything I've seen it's certainly no rule but it's not uncommon at all to have all of the thoughts you've had during and after your experience. It can be terrifying to face such an overwhelming unknown and there's honestly no way to prepare for it the first time.

The ball is in your court now, this is your journey. Often, people have moments that bring them back to that experience and enable them to think it over in a new light. Perhaps you've already seen enough. There's no wrong answer. From here on, just do what feels right. There's nothing else we can ask from ourselves.

I had the same issue when I was using no scale, are your crystals pure white?

I'll have to look that up.

the dmt crystals were yellow/orange/brown-ish. Is it better to have white ones?

yeah that's similar to how I feel about it. Even though I do want to do it again. To see if with different "set" (expectations modified somewhat), it might be a more positive learning experience.

Someone sent me a private message. I thank you for this message . But I am unable to reply to it (i don't have the rights yet).