PRE-CONDITIONS(mind)Set: Fearful, but of firm intentions
(physical condition) Set: Nervous to the point of feverishness, but in good health
Setting (location): Forest overlooking a park, wintertime
time of day: 15:23
PARTICIPANTGender: male
body weight: 65 kg
history of use: Experienced with DMT and syrian rue
BIOASSAYSubstance(s): Tea of Syrian Rue, freebase DMT (mimosa hostilis)
Dose(s): 4g whole seeds, amount smoked unknown
REPORTThis is a very personal report. I realize that the fireworks and fanfare of DMT trips are what make these reports fun to read for many (myself included
), but I do not think that those things are important and so spent little time recording those details. I suppose this report is more a way for me to make sense of this experience, and also to share some of the potential for personal growth that can be afforded by these substances. In good hope, this report is stumbled upon by someone who is maybe skeptical of these substances, and put off by the "party-drug" reputation they sadly have in popular culture.
As of writing this report, this experience occured yesterday (January 7)
This is the first time I have done any psychedelics in many months, and is following a period of deep depression. I felt an incredible resistance, for fear of what I would find within myself, but nonetheless a part of me knew it had to be done. For this experience, I sought the support of my good friend Matthew, who agreed to watch over me. I also chose to trip in a forest, because I felt being in nature typically allows greater clarity of thought.
At 15;23, I drank the tea of rue, after which Matthew and I moved deeper into the forest to find a suitably private spot. Until 16;00, we talked about modern society's relationship to God, at which point I resolved to smoke the DMT. I was scared earlier, but to my surprise, 4 deep breaths was all it took to calm my spirits. I knew that bringing my friend was a good choice (this has been my first time ever tripping with a sitter---imagine that). I toked the DMT, but quickly realized it was not enough. I added more to the chamber and toked again, and I was on my way...
The following period seemed to exist outside of time. Occasionally, a sniffle or the crack of a branch would remind me that only seconds had passed outside, but I was in a space where time did not move forwards nor backwards. My thoughts raced to and fro, and I reflected deeply upon my life with a sense of melancholy. Or perhaps emptiness? I would not describe it as either pleasant or unpleasant. There were tears in my eyes, but I was not sad.
However, I could not find one thing which I felt needed the most attention, and so drifted between topics restlessly. I became aware of the potentiality I have inside of me, and of how this multiplicity of choices and actions causes me to become paralyzed with indecision. This is a one of the main themes of this trip and I continued to ponder it as the experience continued.
I remember very little of the intermittent visual fireworks, but I consider them to be of minimal importance. That is, until a red spirit appeared to me. I have no better term to describe him than simply "the jester". This being was embodied by a crimson glow and sharp, triangular geometry which seemed to emanate from the earth (the bottom of my visual field). This being was pure emotion, and reveled in chaos and joy of the moment. It slowly pushed a smile onto my lips, and it was quite successful... until I bit my cheek and buried my face in my coat. I could not let the oustide world see the jester in me... I was ashamed... Matthew could not be allowed to see what was inside. My close friend of years, who was here only for me, could not see what I had inside...
The jester continued to try to burst through, but I hid him inside of me and turned myself away from my friend. Soon, I became aware of the jester's opposite---a blue being emanating from the sky. It was a deep, ocean, blue, with diffuse edges and a soft quality, and physically larger than the jester (I will explain why I think so). This was the embodiment of order, serenity, peace, stillness. But in my soul I have let it grow beyond what it can handle. It became the spirit of suppression, of conformity, of fearful safety. It smothered the flame of the jester like a blanket, or in my mind, a hard shell. This being is what I have allowed to control my actions for so long.
At the time, I sided with the higher being (blue). In reflection, however, I see that neither force is good or bad---the key is balance. In this lack of balance I have brought to life all of the failings of that order. I have become passive in the way I live my life, and fearful of breaking free for reasons I still don't fully understand. Perhaps it is the aforementioned mulitplicity---the sheer number of options I have. Or maybe settling for one path strips me of that multiplicity which creates the illusion of richness in my life.
When the jester and the blue spirit had left me, I was brought before a cavernous space with a two-sided face in the center. It stretched on into infinity, but I did not continue into that space. Instead, I veered to the left (perhaps there is a blank in my memory here) and arrived in a square room with walls covered in eyes. These eyes were all trained on me, and while I felt no particular emotion, I understood what it meant. There was one eye which seemed to float in its own plane, above the rest, and mimicked the motions of my eye. It blinked when I blinked, moved when I moved...
All my life, I have lived with the feeling of being watched and being ashamed. I did not feel this shame in this moment, because it was personified in this room... I was looking at myself. I did not realize this until writing these words.
Eventually, the room faded, and my mind became dark...
I felt good to walk, and it was cold, so I suggested Matthew lead us back to his home. He went, and I followed, watching his feet so I did not fall and glancing up to spot the way out. Suddenly I became aware that no matter how hard I looked, I could not make sense of this forest. I became afraid for a moment... my excellent skills of navigation were taken from me. Then, I began to notice that Matthew had stepped over the same branch several times already. Seeing that I was on the edge of purgatory, I nearly fell into a panic, but in a heartbeat I calmed myself. I remembered that Matthew was here for me, that he had given his time to watch over me as I embarked on this journey. For the first time in what felt like years, I gave myself up to another person completely. In hindsight, this was the red spirit acting in me, by breaking down the habit of withdrawal and secrecy that has pushed so many of my loved ones away from me. My soul became still, and I was at peace. I followed my friend until he led me back onto the road and away from the forest.
I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want a clever signature.