[Alright, so I'm going to keep adding to this introduction essay over the years and actually use it for sharing personal experiences with the community and I will probably use it to truly talk about who I am, what I believe, some of my experiences, and everything else that I'd like to share: I'm hoping that I can actually spread experience and perspectives I've gained in life so as to benefit someone else. A WARNING though, I'm also going to be sharing some very personal things in this post its going to be a very honest talk about myself and the world so below's the trigger warning]

This post might discuss domestic disputes and violence i've suffered through, it might discuss depression, suicide or death, and a range of topics that can include negative experiences such as being hit on by a domestic abuser in my household or having drug addiction in my family as a theme or being exploited by my boss at work or being manipulated by someone I trusted; essentially I'm sharing and opening up dialogue about some of the bad experiences in my life. It's just a fair warning though so that if that kind of discussion might make you feel bad then maybe don't read this furthermore because I don't want anyone to feel let down when they hear about these experiences and perspective analysis

I had an enlightening experience, rewriting most of my introduction essay to actually reflect a matured perspective and a few changes I've encountered. I originally posted a lot of rambling and well I read it all and it looked like crap and represented a negative emotional state I was living through.

I need to start by expressing that I don't emotionally feel courageous enough to talk about everything, not at the moment. Until I can say that I do, I'm just sharing what I do feel courageous enough to share and tell and also that I'm making a better effort for that to be something a lot more positive.

Well.. when I was younger I can recall that my lower class family while very loving and warm had some emotional turmoil through my early childhood resulting in affecting my self esteem. My mom and my dad are emotional people; my moms bipolar and there's a number of life experiences that contribute to her having low self esteem and my dad also has bipolar, autism, and dimentia as well as experiences from life contributing to low self esteem and toxic coping mechanisms (prescribed a lot of medication, a whole bunch of powerful opiates, muscle relaxers, benzodiazepines, etc and had a problem with these substances on one hand and being homeless or having some level of insecurity with stability). I don't actually know what else to say.. I want to tell about actual experiences and my heart twinges with consciousness but its like "no.. ouch!" too much to even write out. I don't actually understand the complexity of asking Why or How come? And I almost can't understand it, we fool ourselves every time we picture ourselves really knowing exactly who our true selves are.

My parents divorced when I was about 5 or so and afterward I think I became really depressed and angry (raging!). After having a very bad meltdown (a teacher opened the door for me, being in a special class and being told i had an intelectual disability I took it the complete wrong way as an insult that I'm not capable and I simply didn't want to feel like I can't do things.. so I was told that I blacked out and started throwing desks and punching people and attacking and scaring the kids in the room - this got me sent to a mental institution (Center Point hospital in St. Louis and it was really bad, they sedated me a lot because of having really massive rage and adrenaline rushes and feelings that I have to fight and stand up for myself and protect myself and be just as powerful and capable as anyone else - it would actually take a lot of effort and personnel if I'd act out so angrily and the sadest thing looking back on how the rage affected people's perception of me and thereby my self esteem and self image: basically the workers at this hospital sucked. I remember a being forced with sedatives by a caretaker and being locked into a glass room and left there during a meltdown: no one tried to talk to me, just demand and tell me what to do at this mental institution. Hell, I walked to the lady at the desk and started talking to her about my feet hurting and that I can't sleep; just sort of upset actually that I'm ripped from my family all the way to st. louis because I can't control my anger. I remember eventually becoming anorexic here. It escalated so quickly to that point.. my emotions. I'm going to say that the most important experience I had was interacting with other children and learning that I'm not alone even though the adults didn't understand my anger I knew there were other people misunderstood too and that I did comprehend really well for a 5 year old. I remember group meetings and going to a recess and playing and interacting with other kids and in those ways I think I took something vital for one trait that i'd continue to run with through my life: empathy. No one empathized with me at the time and the only people I could relate to were other kids with things going on in their lives that brought them to a mental hospital and my family members during visitation. Also when my family came to visit me it meant the world! I mean crap.. I'm really getting sentimental but as soon as an adult came to let me know that I can go see my dad or my mom or my sister my whole energy changed... But then too when we did have conversations about everything going on that would like make me really confused, angry, afraid, and defensive...

Wow, that felt great! I just got something really huge off my chest there... I'm upset now, but I guess its good this time hahaha, still feel like a burden I'm living with everyday was relieved and allowed to remain in the past

After this, I stayed with my mom a little longer and moved to my dads when my mom didn't let me get a game I wanted at Walmart (AND DEEP DOWN i regretted that decision and was either on the verge of tears or so upset about it, this was like a defensive response to wanting to play the game which deep down I just loved games and felt like my mom was rejecting something that could have brought my mind to a distraction. When I moved in with my dad I sort of got what I begged for. My dad who at the time had been on a lot of prescribed garbage (morphine, fentanyl, percocet, benzodiazepines like valium, all kinds of potent and addictive drugs) would kind of lack in the ways that your parent would need to tell you "no" sometimes or prevent you from doing something wrong. He doesn't have the ability to connect the understanding: its neurological and not something the dude fakes, its related to his mental disability. So I got to play as many games as I wanted, my dad would sleep all day doped up and eventually I'd be spending a whole day... by myself... on the Playstation. No sunlight, no time with my dad, no friends because I lived in the middle of nowhere.. It let me down but I can see things as mistakes and human errors. We all make mistakes and we don't always understand how we believe we do.

I look at it this way: my dad grew up homeless or instable without anyone giving him love or building his character. He doesn't know how to control his emotions because no one gave him the stability to withstand the disturbances they cause. He loves his son and his daughters. He might not tell us "no" when we ask for something as a mechanism for keeping our love at its peak all of the time which might do something vital for him (love is a drive like thirst or breathing, not just a feeling like anger or happiness. Maybe he was starved for a long time? Maybe he was actually scared to tell us "no" or maybe he felt like his life was left with few luxuries). He'd buy us things often enough like showering us in material affections but I realize that he probably didn't know that there were alot of ways, not just spending money; to support someone. I don't think anyone ever in his life made the effort to teach him that.

I visited my mom for a summer and told her that my dad was letting me smoke pot at the age of about 12 and that ended that and I was staying for well until 16 when the turmoil and verbal violence and narcissism hit a peak with my mom's new husband and I moved back in with my dad. So my mom is another topic I'm going to take the time to think more about it but I will say her husband is still a douchebag and won't even let her do crafts now; she's on oxygen 24/7 and pretty much just wants to make crafts and art projects so with her own money she bought 200$ worth of crafts materials and gave it to my sister for her to give back as a "present" so fuck that dude he's a jerk and I really think its a crappy way to go into your end life.

When I moved back in with my dads as a teen i found out that he did have immense depression during this period and attempted suicide with attempting and overdose. I remember his body language and posture and man... I feel sorry for both of my parents and the damage. I remember my mom's tears and how much both leaving last time at like 12 made her cry and how much she had cried or how many tears she'd repressed to not cry as I'm leaving at 16 - in this instance though she made the choice to help me leave because the dysfunction between me and her husband got to a point where she just knew that it was the best for me.. Unfortunately my mom has feelings of being a failure and regrets the past; she doesn't really like talking about bad things in the past either which actually tells me that it still bothers her.. like a lot.

So I'm going to move to a recent series of events. My half sister (not my immediate sister) moved into our fucking 2 bedroom apartment when she got evicted for the second time (methamphetamine addiction) with her 3 kids and her narcissist abusive husband. He'd beat her like all the time and it would stop for a week but the man isn't worth very much as a husband or father so it didn't change. He'd also hurt the kids too. Then she cheated on him with another pile of crap that was an alcoholic and was someone who'd probably beat a child to death... I'm not mincing words here so again, I was serious when I said this is a heavy set of topics I mean I had to live with domestic abusers for years guys. My nephew and neices have had the worst end of all of it though because they grew up with a dad that beat on his mom and now they get to live with a real let-down of a person who they really don't freaking know and who doesn't know the first thing about who they are.

There was ALOT of beligerant arguing and I think that the kids hate their mom today because of the choices she's made and because she's also a narcissist and abuser (she yells at them and smacks them waaaaay too hard like specifically to hurt them and by "yell" I'm really understating volumes because she fucking beat down those kids self worth at the worst of times making them feel worthless).

In a recent series of events I got really tired of her new boyfriend and one time I was walking my dogs outside and heard him making threats of killing the kids father in front of them and killing anyone in the way: i walked into my room (my dad and i shared it and my nephew was sitting with us to get away from their fighting) and had a bad look on my face like my nephew even saw that I was going to go do something about it and well I did, I really want to explain the altercation while discouraging violence because its not a thing I want to spread on the Nexus or anywhere but.. I walked into their room and he was ontop of her overpowering her on the bed and I walked up behind him and swung my fist, broke a nose and then got the tar knocked out of me: he threatened and attempted to kill me actually grabbing my hair and attempting to hit me in the back of the neck like this could have cost me my life, I don't encourage violence or taking life so please don't take this as condoning it. He beat me and I'm lucky enough to be alive and people exist in this world who just don't care about life and that's that. There's people who don't feel an obligation to control that..

Afterward, I quit my job and moved away with my dad and now I'm living with my immediate sister and can visit my mom more often and my real sister who I view as close family is setting up the rest of my life at the moment helping me to find a job, learn new experiences, oh man its totally different: she's empathetic, she values life so much more, I'm so much happier now. I'm even talking to someone that isn't family (roommate from upstairs) who I just relate to by volumes like I'm already sentimental over them and have only known them a couple weeks really (and yea I have a little crush on them, they're really intelligent and funny and insightful and empathetic and they make me kind of feel alot less alone in alot of ways their a different but very relatable person so i'm crossing my fingers that it'll work out). I'm working on getting a job and getting out of some behaviors mindsets i'd like to leave behind me. I'm getting to grow, a lot more is offered now to me as hope.

I'm so proud that my dad has grown too over the years: quit most of his prescribed garbage (on suboxone but even thinking about switching over to just cannabis!!!!) and its unmistakable that he's finally had someone teach him that you can support someone in so many different ways; not just one or two.

Thank you for listening, I originally posted a totally different article of words and removed talking about my drug experiences focusing on just myself. Alot came out writing this that needed to be said.

Welcome Almondmilk Man!

I think you will find a lot of info here while you wait for finances to straighten themselves out. We have many members that are big cactophiles, and if I may, the user Acacian has quite an extensive knowledge on, you guessed it, acacias. So don’t be afraid to ask questions. You will find that the community is quite knowledgeable and welcoming.

So again, welcome to the Nexus!

Hey thank you Metta-Morpheus! I might have to talk with them about acacia then! Lol I'm impressed by the possibilities and potentially diverse genepool of acacia.

P.s. and edit: so I'm interested and curious about phalaris as a source for dmt, 5 meo dmt, 5 meo nmt, bufotinine, and 2mcthb. I need to ask someone questions about those too and search out the highly specific varieties as to get something clean yielding or specific varieties containing other tryptamines like 5 meo nmt or bufotinine. Paying attention to phalaris threads too and work being done with tlc.. also studying TLC..

Wanted to share something about me, my socio-economic status, and my family. I'm a former retail food service worker, I worked at Walmart which I would give context as one of the top worst companies; they have butchered full time employment opportunities and rely instead on a shambling ever disposable churn of part time entry level positions. The company even had a leaked memo 20 or so years ago about the permalancing (reduction of full time staff, influx of part time gruntworkers, reduced benefits and lines share holder pockets with revenue generated by both permalancing and by draining all the stored assets typically through private equity firms that lead back to the shareholder).

I remember so much chaos. You would like to think there wouldn't be so many unanswerable questions. You would think that Walmart is an expert or that their professional but it wasn't and isn't and if you watch "Walmart: the high cost of low price" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXmnBbUjsPs - You get that feeling.

I worked Walmart before an after covid-19 pandemic

It's one of the most ghetto run down jobs you can work today. I have seen schedules posted with no closer or pregnant women forced to work - typically instead of getting out at the advertised time, one had almost lost their babysitter for her first kid and it's a risk if anyone pregnant or not is in the deli and they slip and fall and are knocked unconscious which is a plausible scenario because of grease or if someone simply doesnt wear nonslip shoes.

They mismanaged this: I was supposed to get a hepatitis b shot for food service and the boss paid for it out of her pocket and I would have gotten fired? Idk, that's what it sounded like, you can't work in food service without the hep b shot. And you know I never got any reminder to get the booster either so idk if I'm even safely protected from hep b - I would work for a year or more after that without getting a chance to get properly vaccinated - American exceptionalism! haha, had to joking aside.

Lots of toxicity; a few times I've seen supervisory or regional managers exhibit stupidity or ignorance and I suspect foul-play and toxic work culture. I think the higher you go the more correlated (but not causation) it is that you're a douchebag because your job: you screw peoples lives over profits and sustaining perpetual impulse purchases.

-[note]- -- Walmart purchased tiktok, spent like 2 billion on it: you see, they lie when they say that they don't have the capability to serve their hostage situations with more respect or capability. Now they have the most powerful data collection app in the world.... And perhaps the solution to combat the Walton oligarchy isn't going to be with hard technology at all

One time, we had a rat infestation and they took the baby mice from the nest in the candy wall and trashed them and chucked the box into the trash compactor (animal abuse, and the event was very hush-hush). The new store manager since covid found a syringe.. okay hazardous waste, right?; he took it without PPE like a disposable glove and chucked it into the HR office trash bin because his store would get flagged for potential overdose (this was his first couple days, it was discussed by senior management in the breakroom). There's alot crime in the parking lot including but not limited to an instance of human trafficking and attempted kidnapping. Our floors when remodeled twice in a row were a complete and utter crapfest of failure oh my good saintly lord the floor looks like alligator skin and is a damn tripping hazard and unsanitary and cant be squeegee'd correctly. A department manager stepped down after a violent verbal beating for an hour in a private office) she was being set to fail each night with scheduling, she first started in the deli 30 years ago and knows and has worked every department at some point but Walmart has a toxic culture worse than the gramminiest of wild phalaris grass so it didn't matter what the explanation was or why; it made her believe she was getting fired so she a reliable capable person took a pay cut to avoid upper managment. Plus recently a lower manager stepped down and we see constant turnover. The deli itself is driving rainforest deforestation because of all the pork and beef that need to be fed soy beans (look up "soyalism dw documentary" ) so there's that too, Brazil's biodiverse fauna are removed with the flora being cut for soy and canola oil crop plantations and pastureland; not to mention the 15 litres of pesticides to each person used for the commercial agricultural practices. And the rainforest deforestation in Africa too because it also takes place there too. The meat industry is evil.

Walmart is extremely antininion which affects the company culture and their response is traditionally to hire an expert called a union avoidance advisor to craft the narrative of management and crush the union. The result is a loss of collective bargaining. According to statistics Job's with unions have better pay for even nonunion members and fewer instances of safety issues and wage theft. You can also deny a first contract and like a cheat code crush the union effort.

Also during covid the company did alot of show and lip-service and look up discussions on reddit and the like and check out united4respect.org and read some news on their site about private equity firms and such, currently companies are exploiting covid, especially in the u.s. where its bombed as our response has been garbage, hordes of people travel, don't social distance or wear masks and no widespread testing AND covid is conveniently creating issues with our elections purging voters plus our fearless leader has defunded the post office while we expect an influx of mail in votes and early voters. Then our private healthcare industrial complex has designed the whole healthcare system for profits; raising prices of drugs, charging outrageous bills for covid testing, and they have designed hospitals for cost effective capacity for occupancy as to avoid paying for vacant rooms.

I realize that we as working lower class U.S. citizens are sold lies about the real world...

Update

Okay.... ahahaha. (And also with the range of emotion I feel there's also a realization: a full realization of all the consequences building up to this point, not all fun and games and I'm not completely happy about or sad to hear it).

So, the man that assaulted me just got arrested. like 20 minutes ago. The mother dog (one of two that got left behind) escaped. The damn cops lol, they uh had tried to pick them up together but he escaped and fled and well this time they were waiting by their house by both exits on either side of the house. So consequences.

Now I need to send in a message to my half-sister considering that she's probably at a loss and in a form of being where I could influence her despite any of the bad history between us because at this point I can make more sense to her than any other.

Everything has a time and place, peace

[edit]

-My drug experiences-

Peyote - about 10 times its my favorite. Peyote is bitter and nasty tasting. Its powerful but in how it can change your life or perspective. Its very person-to-person; socializing is a very good thing to do, leads to high levels of active consciousness but subjective: all psychedelics will change bio-chemistry and the brain; what's the more important question to ask is whether or not your environment works out as a suitable space for development. Peyote can trip you out like any other psychedelic and cause periods of cognitive impairment where you might lose (give or take) some or many of your faculties - Lots of love. I think it was amazing!!

LSA - Lots of experience here: when I found out about it I realized its very accessible in the U.S. and it was a lot of fun if you can handle some negative side effects like vaso-constriction. Its nice to say that LSA was the first drug I tried besides meds, pot, and coffee. It was a drug I got fascinated and obsessed with for a few years while I was really rather young, first trying morning glory at about 16 years old if I recall and I will say I noted one turmoil: when I had been abusing LSA frequently; and ignorantly. It might have resulted in psychosis, but there's lots of factors and I have yet to get into any of that. Still thinking, making a bet that it would pan out a load of things to consider.

DMT and Ayahuasca - Oh I've just begun with DMT or Ayahuasca brews let alone never having tried changa. Really cool experiments but very intense and at times harsh lessons. Hope I get the opportunity to grow my own sources! I did try an acacia confusa extract and an acacia confusa and Syrian Rue brew: before taking any peyote or mescaline containing trichocereus (no experience with at the moment) thinking that I'd probably never have the opportunity. So chronologically coffee, meds, pot, lsa, dmt/brew, then:

Mushrooms: great for depression! Great little fungus. Can make you break down crying, can illicit a lot of emotion quickly, its possible that it has the ability to flip a lot of neurochemical switched like you do when you fall into acute fatuation or any other extreme hard emotion.

LSD: Getting experience with it, I love acid but there's a lot of technology like TLC and such that will help you test your batch of stuff. whatever it is that's on your blotter. The people that are giving me acid do their own testing for harm reduction and I won't say much more other than its potentially dangerous and I gravitate to things that I can grow; still cool and interesting, some of those experiences are worth a lot of evaluation and speculation and concern

Well that might as well be it. I also Overdosed on a synthetic cannabinoid once when I was really young, early in being an 18 year old if I recall right