Forgive the longwinded first post, but I finally found the motivation to get this off my chest. I've tried several times, but always get cold feet... Here goes...
My first experience with DMT was around 1995… Spectacular, bizarre but sub-breakthrough, as was expected… Was a relatively small dose and I didn’t come across any for many years after…
I’ve been smoking DMT regularly for about 12-ish years… I’m guessing on average 4 times per month, sometimes more and sometimes less… Regardless, hundreds, maybe thousands, of journeys over the years and a breakthrough rate of about 85-90%. Needless to say, the molecule has played a profound part in my life for the past 12 years. And while jumping to hyperspace has ALWAYS come with a certain amount of anxiety and trepidation, my experiences had been, up to this point, almost entirely positive save for the occasional time when my heart yearned to return to the source and for whatever I didn’t quite reach my destination… a feeling of disappointment which I’m sure most of you can relate to. For me, the destination was death… Ego death, for sure, but also, death of my physical self… My consciousness ascending from my body and, once again, becoming connected with the source of all life in both the physical planes and beyond. Such an incredible sense of peace always waited for me… To know that we exist in eternity and loss is a flawed concept… Impermanence of states, which is hard to accept in this life, did not mean impermanence of being… All those who’ve I’ve ever known and will ever know in this life, exist in eternity in addition to all I’ve never known but now could after being reunited with the source. Rarely did I ever think I’d return to my body while breaking through (always a little disappointed when I do) and I can count on two hands the times I didn’t return with tears rolling down my face at the sheer beauty of what I’d been blessed to witness and experience, if only for a short time. An indescribable realm of absolute perfection and infinite understanding… What’s not to love?
For me, all the DMT I’d acquired functioned the same. The smell was always consistent but the color and consistency could vary. Regardless, I never gave much thought to quality as my sources were great… If it smelled like DMT, it was and performed as I expected… My sources certainly varied over the years but again, never a disappointing batch. As far as consumption, I would say the majority of the first 8 years were almost exclusively deems sandwiched in weed via a bong which I realized early on could provide that one-hit blast off without worrying about hitting a pipe multiple times. This method never failed me, aside from the aforementioned occasional ‘coming up short’ disappointment. In the last two years, I moved on to an electronic vaporizer after seeing one highly recommended. I went with the
Puffco Plus. Cost a few bucks more than the more commonly used yocan. Immediately I believed I’d found the holy grail of deems consumption devices. It worked flawlessly, every single time. The highest heat setting and it’s ‘sesh-mode’ 10 second burn option vaped everything I put in there perfectly. Any amount from 20-80mg was perfectly taken in one delightful hit. No flame, bong, pipe or weed required… Plus, being extremely mobile was a huge plus. All in all, my decade + long dance with DMT continued to a blissful cosmic dance… Until…
The Hyper-Slap…
It’s hard to pinpoint what went wrong in this particular instance but the ‘dance’ hasn’t been the same since… Hell, I can’t even get into the club anymore.
I didn’t weigh my dose as I almost never had… I had found my sweet spot with my eye (about 50mg) and seemed to nail it every time. I do believe I was a little heavy handed this time (my guess about 80mg), but in my experience, the amount of fuel in the rocket never mattered so long as there was enough to get us there… Any more didn’t change the experience… Once I crossed the threshold into the realm, I had arrived and all was well. Either way, certainly no more than I’d done at various points in the past, though more than average. My set and setting most definitely weren’t perfect, however. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but I immediately wasn’t happy with some part of it. I don’t recall if it was the music or and external noise or simply the position I was seated in but as soon as the rocket lifted off, I knew I wanted to change something… I think I got up and moved to a different part of my couch and that’s honestly the last bit of reality I recall. At that point, everything in existence began to crumble. My field of vision seemed to freeze-frame in 2 dimensions like a screen capture and literally shatter into a million indistinguishable pieces… Visually, I was gone… I felt reduced to a dying neuron slowly being disconnected from the entire nervous system of my existence… One by one, these connections snapped and with each I became more and more terrified and alone. Instead of the connected to all things, living and dead, experience of a breakthrough, it was the exact opposite… Systematic disconnection from everything I knew… Complete and utter isolation and with every disconnecting synapse, one small step closer to extinction of my consciousness. It was absolutely terrifying and the sense of loss breaks my heart to this day… And I’m sure the problem and solution lays somewhere in that last statement. Naturally, after what seemed like hours of the dissolvement of my soul, the room began to reappear… I felt I was being given another chance… Though I felt I was as tiny as an ant and growing to my normal size (which, by the way, was one of the most fucking incredible hallucinations I’ve experienced in my many decades for psychonautic exploration…) My elation at still existing seemed to spur that growth and it was a truly ‘kiss the ground’ moment (I think I actually may have) when I was my appropriate size and things returned to 3 dimensions… In particular my dog, who had remained a flat unmoving shard of glass that I was able to see move further and further away throughout the experience… Exacerbating my terror… But I was back, I was safe and I was still me (or us). Needless to say, I decided I’d take a break… Really try to integrate what had happened and find a way to move forward… Maybe a month or so later, I decided I was ready… Except, it wasn’t the same… No blast off, no waiting room, no striking visuals, almost nothing… Vague translucent patterns and a glitch effect over what I was seeing, but so far from every prior experience. It’s been almost a year now and I try, often, and the results are always the same… The glitchiness can be unnerving sometimes and in those moments, fear of a repeat incident grabs hold.. but so far, no repeat hyper-slaps… Almost nothing at all. I thought maybe it was the batch so in the past year I’ve sourced probably 20 grams of 20 different batches, chasing the dragon as it were, but to no avail…
Like I said earlier, I’m certain the fear is playing a prominent role in whatever is blocking my access, but the emotion that sits at the forefront more than anything is heartbreak. That feeling of a permanent disconnectedness is so empty and so sad. The things I’ve seen and experienced in the DMT realm have been nothing short of life changing and inspiring beyond description… What I experienced on that day showed me an an equally profound but opposite truth that was so cosmically lonely and soul crushing, I think my biggest fear now is that it could be THE truth… That we are not connected, we are eternally alone and that our existence will dissolve into nothing…
Life goes on and life is good… I’m extremely blessed by any measure… I have love in my life and love and compassion in my heart and ultimately, that is enough. But I also have an abundant supply and variety of DMT and so every few weeks or so, I give it another shot… but with the same translucent static results like trying to start an engine with a dead battery… It just…makes me sad… But I’m also determined. If that’s all I ever get from DMT again, I will have gotten SO much more than I deserve… But I’ll be damned if I’m going to stop trying to get the ship off the ground again.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. If you’ve any words of encouragement or ideas to share, I sincerely thank you in advance. I’ve read through a lot of posts on here and can’t tell you all how much I appreciate it. I’ve seen people at similar stages as well, so I don’t expect this will be all that unfamiliar to many of you, but I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest for many months (since whenever I made this account) and feel better already having done so.
In case anyone is curious, I haven’t used any alternate methods of consumption since then. Always the Puffco but I have bought several new chambers. I’ve also NEVER tried changa.
So that’s where I’m at. Feeling a little like I’ve lost a cosmic friend, but trying to keep things in perspective. Thanks again for hearing me out and I appreciate you active nexians SO much and have for a very long time as a lurker.
Peace, love and SAFE TRAVELS!