Personal Experience:
Years of heavy psychedelic experiences coupled with about 100+ breakthrough DMT experiences, of which very few even provided a fraction of this experience. No stranger to many levels of hellish and divine, pleasurable and painful, confusing and clarifying, blissful and strange experiences. Experimented with traditional tryptamines, countless experiences with various compounds of Shulgin's Phikal and Tikal, a handful of intense combination experiences between ketamine and DMT, deep experiences with psychedelic levels of ketamine, the list could go on for pages. I am experienced in both recreational and ceremonial settings. I was quite certain I comprehended to some degree what I was getting myself into before the experience began, but was thoroughly unprepared from the relentless, endless, and mindboggling array of experiences which stunningly fit eternity into a couple of hours.
Setting:
Deep in the forest, near a clearing, next to a stream, underneath low lying trees
People Present at Ceremony:
Group/Session Leader and 10 others that I didn't know, as well as a close personal friend.
State of Mind:
Going through issues of isolation, confusion, lack of a "path" in life post graduation, had not slept in over 24 hours and was initially tired and hesitant, though the tired state of mind quickly dissipated. I was dealing with, at the time, chronic disease which caused minor (and sometimes not too minor) constant discomfort/pain.
The Experience:
Ceremony opened up with a statement of intentions for the ceremony. I stated that I was looking for clarity and understanding of who I was and where I was going. We proceeded to ingest, I believe, enough Harmala extract to achieve full MAOI inhibition. We waited about 30 minutes to ingest the 2nd capsules containing the (organically, supposedly) extracted DMT compound from Mimosa Hostilis. The dosage of both the MAOI and Extracted DMT are unknown to me.
At this point my friend and I took our blankets to a far back area in this wooded clearing under low lying trees next to a small stream. We laid with the stream at our feet and our heads beneath the trees. My friend and I relaxed/meditated and quietly conversed in preparation for the experience.
After some time, maybe 30 minutes, maybe an hour, I began to doubt that I had ingested enough MAOI or perhaps enough DMT as I felt (mostly) clearheaded. But as quickly as doubt began to set in I began to experience a strange sensation. First a warmth surrounded my body and a deep lethargy settled, as if gravity itself increased and embraced me.
Translucent holograms of individual’s faces began to drift towards me. In quick succession individuals I had encountered throughout my life drifted transparent and beautiful in front of my face. Each hologram pressed through my head providing me with startling psychic sensations in which I experienced visions from the lives of the individuals. Each face bushed through me providing the sensation of me being pushed through a sort of gelatinous electric membrane.
A particularly noteworthy startling psychic occurrence happened when I saw the face of an ex-lover whom I was experiencing lots of jealously and lust towards. As her face pushed through mine I saw our past lovemaking sessions and then witnessed them morph into intense lovemaking sessions with other men, more competent and better endowed than I, my insecurities swelled up but were slowly quelled as my "love" for her manifested itself as an acceptance and love for the way our paths drifted together then apart and an acceptance of her search for love and pleasure. I found myself at peace and content with her personal autonomy even if it pulled her away from me and my desires. (This experience has had long lasting impact on my perception of jealousy and possessiveness surrounding interactions with women, and relationships in general)
After this I began to receive strange visions of elaborate carnival festival settings. But not just visions, I was THERE. Giant carnival tents, jeweled and towering, vibrating with sound and energy appeared before me and I entered into them. In these bizarre constructs a multitude of interdimensional beings, along with humans, and aliens and all sorts of other archetypal beings were celebrating SOMETHING.
Typical "Greys" (so called aliens, though psychic messages conveyed that these were actually the time travelling hyper evolved future of humankind) floated inches above the ground, though they only had rounded nubs for hands/feet and scrolling glowing alien text on their bodies. I encountered more entities which were time travelers, future versions of humanity, now totally alien in appearance. Energetic Beings glowed, their neural structures externally apparent and vibrantly pulsating with light. Networks of light and energy swung between and through all the entities. Elves, demons, goblins, faeries joined in the celebration.
All of the content and meaning I perceived, all of these entities and their identities were "psychically" interpreted or intuited by me in this state of mind. As the festivities became clearer and more ecstatic I received the psychic intuition that this was the party celebrating the end of all time. These beings were singing, I was singing, we were all singing. Our voices were floating from our mouths and in doing so becoming strange pulsating physical objects rotating in front of us. Each object was a piece of visual art, as well as a musical instrument, and beings could sing together to "play" and "paint" these objects with one another, the experience was absolutely orgasmic as we constructed elaborate mandalas of sound, orgasming together with the joy of creation. It was sublimely orgiastic on a cosmic scale.
At some point I found myself face to face with my friend who I was laying next to and the festivities quieted down and I found myself floating in an absolute void with him. We placed our heads together and our minds began to "meld" in a truly fantastic manner. Our minds merged into a singular form (he reported a similar experience to me after the fact). We were suspended in the void, we were two but we were one. Our bodies morphed into an abstract form much like the Yin/Yang form, singular/dual and all encompassing. Our minds, One mind, all minds, all of existence focused in on us, on me, on this single moment, that lasts forever, that is all that there ever was, is all there ever will be. At this point I was hit with this realization, which I struggle to comprehend or place into words or fit into my perception of reality, that existence had reached the point where we had to accept the mortality of the universe, not just the individual, and as conscious entities had decided to collapse existence into some sort of singularity and immortal bliss to escape the entropy and pain innate in existence (I really struggle to express what exactly was going through my head at this point). At this point I realized that this obliteration was necessary and began to push this... metaphoric... big red button to end time and the universe as we know it to move on to another realm of existence.
I asked him, and he echoed back to me (this is a rough recollection as its hard to recall exactly what was said):
“Here we are”
“Here we are”
“Right now?”
“Right now” he responded.
“This is it, we have to do it”
He looked at me with fear and trepidation,
“Are you ready?” I asked.
He looked even more fearful.
“We have to let go, its going to be beautiful. We have to collapse, to be born again. We have to die. We are all going to die.”
“I’m not ready” He said, with fear and near anger in his voice.
But there was no turning back, I felt a terrible momentum pulling me towards the button. My head was an antennae for cosmic communication, I lept to my feet and screamed “HERE WE ARE RIGHT FUCKING NOW. THIS IS ALL THERE EVER WAS AND EVER WILL BE AND IT ENDS RIGHT NOW”
The words spilled from my mouth, and I wasn’t saying them, something ELSE something far beyond me was speaking through me, I felt possessed, I felt like a crazed mad prophet... There was a momentum to my words, they spilled from my mouth with confidence I had never exhibited and poetics I could never imagine repeating. I was being pulled through this experience, it was extremely pleasurable but I knew, somewhere deep inside that this orgasmic build-up was leading to something entirely different.
Words that slip my mind spilled from me, expressing the beauty awe and wonder of the world, as I screamed people in the group puked and shat noisily around me, moaned, and reacted to my words. (Later individuals felt as if my message, the words I began to scream were psychic intuitions of messages they needed to hear, and were intricately linked into their trip). I felt like I was a puppet for cosmic consciousness (perhaps my ego was somewhat bloated at this moment as well).
“HERE WE ARE AND HERE IT ENDS!” I screamed and at the point I mashed this cosmic red button with my mind and orgasmed into oblivion.
Suddenly everything shifted in a truly horrific direction which is far beyond words though I will attempt to express some fraction of this non-linear eternal experience I was hit with next.
I felt a distinct sensation of sucking, sinking, and swirling into the cosmic pit of the universe, being pulled towards a sort of black hole of absolute isolation. A shrill sound pierced the air, this void I was suspended in, painful... It resonated deep in my skull, it was ringing, shrieking, and screaming all at once. Then I realized that I was screaming, that all reality was screaming.
Unaware of what I was doing I stumbled to my feet and tumbled into the stream (I only found this out later) at this point I was thrashing in the water screaming and pulling at my hair flailing against the rocks. I had gone mad, I had raped someone, I had murdered someone, I had defied god, I was a sacrilegious doomed human filled with the most horrific malicious thoughts and I was to be punished forever.
Reality expanded from this singular void I was floating in, expanding into an infinite two dimensional grid-work of 8-bit Nintendo-eque Mayan patterns. The patterns pulsated and glowed and encompassed all of existence. And all of existence was suffering, I was eternal suffering, my role in the universe was to suffer for all of eternity. This was the cosmic "Game Over" screen, all was lost forever.
As this 8-bit Mayan grid-work pulsated the pain escalated; I felt every atom in my body torn to shreds as the ringing tones rose and fell, my body was torn limb from limb, fingers pulled from my hand, finger tips pulled from my fingers, skin ripped from the flesh, each atom pulling apart, individuals crushed and subjugated to pure pain and anguish, I fell apart and was put back together ENDLESSLY. I felt my throat slit, my intestines torn from my body, my head bashed with rocks, and then it looped for ever, ever escalating. I realized I was doomed that I had sent myself to some eternal hellish painful tortuous existence. That I had to pay the price for every negative thought I had ever done. Unaware, I pissed myself, I shat myself, I screamed endlessly but in this state I had no conception that I was doing any of these things. I was utterly alone, insane, and in unending psychological and physical pain/madness.
This horrific state would begin to let up and "deceive" me. I would have the sensation that I was lifting out from the state only to be hit once more with the shrill noise and feel myself sucked back in, deeper and more painfully than before. I was certain this was my place, my eternal place in the universe, that I was a cog in the machine, and my cog was labeled suffering, and I would always be suffering because that was WHO I WAS FOR ETERNITY.
At times I drifted slightly from this torture and imagined I had gone completely mad. That I was a schizophrenic madman wandering through the woods, lost alone, and broken, I could see my mind in its healthy state, so far away, but it had been stolen from me, I was doomed and lost, and realized that death would not be a door to escape through but rather a portal back into this torture which slowly sucked me back in...
This was a cosmic, never ending, meat grinder; obliterating, painful, and all encompassing. It was also fully conscious, aware of me; aware of what it (I?) was doing to me. I was sacrificial lamb to the universe, I was divinely doomed, I was fully deserving of this punishment, I was alone...
This apparently took about 2 hours (or 3) to settle down and I came too slowly, I drifted from this state and back into my physical form.
I was on my back splayed across rocks in an icy cold stream. The moon was high above. The trees breathed with me and crickets chirped around me.
I was scared, alone, cold, soaking wet... I cried, I yelped "help"... My head ached; my body was bruised from thrashing on the rocks. I had a few (minor) cuts. I had pulled out a few small clumps of hair... I was scared...
As I panicked and splashed through the water on all fours I suddenly realized where I was; in a beautiful stream, in beautiful mountains, under a beautiful moon. I breathed deep and confidently. I could warm myself with my mind. I could connect with the world around me. I was NOT alone. I sang to the moon, I sang to the trees. I sang to the river and it sang back to me.
A crawfish crawled on my hand and I sang to it, its antennae rhythmically responded, playfully twitching in the air. The water began to engage me in a "call and response" song I sang to it, it sang an altered version of my song back and we playfully interacted with one another. I began to laugh and the stream laughed back.
I struggled to my feet. My body was like that of a newborn infant, unfamiliar, alien, new, strange and beautiful. I wobbled to the side of the stream learning how to use my body once more filled with the wonderful sense of discovery and awe for my physical form. I stripped naked, taking my soaking clothes of my body and leaving them on rocks by the side of the stream. I crawled through the forest in the hopes of finding my friend. He was laying eyes closed where I left him. I crawled up to him, naked, and cold and he saw me and smiled. We hugged, cried, and expressed our gratitude for one another.
I wrapped a blanket around my body, put my boots on (and yes that was all I wore, a blanket and boots), and we wandered through the forest in wonder, in absolute awe.
The experience deeply imprinted me and I was left with severe "shell shock" from the whole experience. I was once relatively fearless of the "metaphysical" realm but this left me with deep doubts and fears of the "true" nature of reality, a place where I could experience eternal pain and never ending torture. I was fearful that this "hell" could rip through at any moment that I could be plunged into this state at death. I woke up from flashback-nightmares of this hell state for weeks afterward and I still can "feel" it pushing through reality at times. I also became somewhat fearful of the internal states of mind from which such an experience could emerge. It’s been difficult but I find myself learning from this experience. I still have a deep fear of this eternal pain and suffering.
As a long time fan of altered states this experience has been followed by nearly a year of absolute sobriety, I can't even imagine revisiting this state, it so deeply moved me, altered me, filled me with apocalyptic visions and fears, pain, love, acceptance, and anguish.
Some central thoughts which bubbled up through the experience:
1. Eternity can be experienced from within, eternity can be encapsulated by consciousness.
2. Heaven, Hell, Bliss, Pain, all are internally emergent states of mind, and are not separate from one another.
3. Our past thoughts and actions, experiences as well, are a part of who we are and impact our daily existence in deep ways even if we no longer consciously remember these experiences/thoughts/actions.
4. Expansive awareness IS NOT sunshine and rainbows and bliss. Higher states of consciousness can force one to confront the immense pain and difficulty innate within existence.
5. Time is non-linear. Every moment is eternal.
6. We are a part of a masterfully created work of art, eternal, and crafted perhaps by ourselves.
7. And contradictory to previous statements. everything is temporary, must die, must end, and we must reach a state where the end of everything is something we can approach with celebration and love, where death, decay, entropy is a part of the beautiful existence we now inhabit.
8. We must answer for who you are, what we do, the impact we have, the love, the pain, the cruelty, the good deeds, every choice we make, Tinker around with the psychedelic realm long enough and this confrontation with the oftentimes painful nature of our true self is somewhat inevitable.
9. Transformation is and will be fantastic, beautiful, necessary AND HORRIFICALLY/UNIMAGINABLY DIFFICULT AND PAINFUL. This is the nature of purging, of evolution, of life.
10. WE MUST SAVE OURSELVES. Noone can do it for you, these deep issues, states of mind, are personal and must be personally addressed.
I am not certain in these beliefs but these thoughts often run through my head.
This description is only a fraction of my experience, poorly placed into words where words are surely insufficient.
Edit (comments from a year after):
So a year later and mixed feelings ripple through me as I contemplate this experience.
After the experience my close friend who went through this ordeal has experienced severe psychological trauma, I would liken it to shell shock, his experience echoed my hellish one to a certain degree and left him (and I to a lesser degree) imbued with a immense and awesome terror of the unknown undercurrents of reality, the sensation that beneath all of THIS something nightmarish waits for us, and that only a thin veil separates this reality from an unimaginably unpleasant eternity. I get this sensation in waves, nightmarish cold sweats and overwhelming terror as I lay in bed at night, but for him his fears have bled into his daily abilities to function as a human being, disrupting normal thought/behavior patterns and manifesting as paranoia and mistrust and nihilistic/defeatist psychologies which have currently disrupted his existence as a functional human being.
This experience left me inspired to some measure but also left a lasting imprint on both of us of the potentially horrific nature of reality itself, the doomed state of our own existence, and the unavoidable consequences of our transgresses against the divine order.
I can rationalize and philosophize these sensations away endlessly, I can create an infinite number of arguments which reveal the fallacies within such logic and the improbability of such realities, but I cannot (and fear I never will be able to) reverse the deep imprinting, the emotional illogic, the experiential reality of such a startling and traumatic experience on my companion and I.