Hi,

Forgive the long and random name. I've been reading the DMT Nexus for a few months to learn more.

Why do I want to be a full member?

When I was 10 I went through an experience wherein I 'met god'.

I have avoided any kind of drugs, and alcohol as much as I can. I had a period where alcohol was normal for me, but this was a student, so not really abnormal.

I have had 'extrasensory experiences' my whole life. I have experienced auditory hallucinations. My brain has been a very strange place to be.

As much as I want to join the Nexus to discuss some of these things, or contribute where I can, part of me has sought out spiritual answers for my experiences. Can the Quakers help me? Any other religion? Can a connection to the 'source' explain some of my weirdness?

Last year I experienced Ayahuasca for the first time. I have never even smoked cannabis before this. I undertook this experience to see if the 'God' that people meet in Ayahuasca is the same god I met when I was 10.

This has been a life changing experience for me to learn that it is not the same 'God'.

This is becoming an experience story rather than an essay... forgive me.

I would like to join the DMT Nexus because I feel that the exploration of Ayahuasca must become a key facet of my life for it to continue to have meaning to me; I have a strong desire to care for the plants involved. If it's legal for me to do so - I believe it is - I wish to own and care for these plants!

Welcome

I too met something god once, not a visual but feeling it's presence as a visit to me and it broke me, on traditional aya.
What struck me was that it was separate from me;
that there was hierarchy in the end;
that there was love as a building essence for everything;
that there was endless understanding and compassion for our suffering 'down here';

I did not really liked what I encountered because I wanted one-ness and here I still got a taste of separation and hierarchy. I felt at the mercy of something boss-level and that was the last thing I wanted. I would have preferred to have levels stopped but it continued in this experience.

It happened once, never again since.
I do not really know how to digest the experience, it's almost 10 years back aprox.
For now I let it loose for what it was/is, not making any final decision about it.
.

I'm interested to know more about your meeting god experience from childhood. I keep mentioning this youtube channel but you might enjoy Anthony Chene productions. I'm glad you found Ayahuasca without the usual history of recreational influences. re: Explaining the weirdness - embrace what you can. And explore it. I hope you're still checking back here from time to time.

Hi,

Thank you for sharing this. I just recovered my account (Thanks to The Traveller!) as I had lost my email.

I can completely empathise with your experience. I too would find greater comfort in non-duality than in duality. If I may offer my own experience (lifelong hallucinations, 'visions' completely without substances, spiritual views) would indicate is that duality is the point while we are here. It is the reason we are individual pairs of eyes and ears and a brain. When this ends, we are rolled into the "one thing" that comprises everything. Until then, duality is what we are doing, non-duality is the overall picture of "being" a thing. I personally feel like this is the actual element of being alive - how we experience the sublime in our lives doing whatever it is we do. We are touring what watching the stars in the sky is like, what it is like to grow and eat your own food, how loving-through-a-lens-of-self feels. I have been put here to link hands with someone I love and watch the moon. When I am done being here, hopefully a long time from now, I will be part of the 'god' that comprises everything. I will be the moon, and everything else too.

Once we're done, that non-duality you seek is lived out. There we are nothing but love, and witnessing, and the stars shining their light everywhere.

I hope your experience is not uncomfortable for you now in recollection, and I hope the above is an ok view to offer to you.

Hello, @thevoluntaryway lovely to meet you and thank you for your interest in my story.

I will keep checking back here. I have some plans to put in motion! And I will check out that youtube channel, thank you

The experience at 10 probably was not so much about "meeting god", that is just a shorthand way of explaining it.

I was laying in bed and I was listening to my parents sleep in the room next to me. I was listening to my brother sleep in our shared room. I thought about the fact that this moment is just one in a chain of moments that will stretch until my last moment alive.

I then thought about the fact my parents were much older than me, and my brother slightly. How they would have to face a final moment, and how that felt for me. The not only the knowledge that I would lose them, but the knowledge that they would have to go through the end of their lives not knowing what they would face there. I could not guarantee I would be with them at the end, nor could I go with them to keep them safe. A great and final separation, and a journey into the unknown for people I wanted to keep safe and protect.

Even if I took my own life as they died, I thought, they would still go alone, as I would. That separation was immutable... it could not be bridged. This was a powerful thought for my young mind. The inevitability had an awesome power.

I thought about what death must be like. If I died first, I could not come back and reassure them it was OK. If it was terrible, if I existed somehow on the far side of it I would have the knowledge also that they would then have to go through that awfulness. If life played out as it should, they would die, and potentially go through that awfulness and be on the far side of it in fear of me going through it.

With these feelings in my head, the only hope I had was to try to determine what death was like. That would reassure me, or let me live in the foreknowledge about what everyone I would ever love would some day face.

I laid in bed and thought "What is death like?", over and over. It became "Tell me what death is like." and "Show me what death is like." and then became "I ask the universe to show me what death is like."

It was after a few repetitions of the final phrase that something changed in the room. I felt a presence, and with my eyes closed I could feel a pull in front of me, like a gravitation pull that was not physical. I opened my eyes briefly and saw nothing, and closed them again for fear of visual stimuli ending the experience.

The sensation of being pulled grew - it was as though there was a black sphere in front of me pulling my mind. Consciousness being dragged upwards (laying on one's back this also felt like 'forward'.

This feeling deepened and strengthened, along with the sensation of a tangible presence with me and around me, both the sensation of the sphere and of being in the presence of something.

I 'let' myself be pulled, and I could feel a disconnect of my consciousness from my body for a moment only, and I slipped upward/forward into the sphere.

Inside it was... hard to describe. I later came across a phrase, "Darkness and the absence of thought, forever." There was nothing. No me, no thought, no noise or sound or feeling. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I do not know how long I stayed in that moment, but it felt like a lifetime. Unspeakable duration. Who knows?

I was then without sensation or feeling suddenly back in my body, laying in bed. It was still dark. I did not have a clock or watch, so I did not know the time.

I cried and cried and cried to myself, quietly, so as to not disturb anyone, until I fell asleep.

I have had some other experiences since then, some of which make me a bit more comfortable with death. But I think I grew up when I was 10. People said I was "mature" for my age. I call it meeting God sometimes because I asked a question when I was 10 - I was desperate for knowledge that no mind can really have (understanding of death during life). I asked a question, I begged for an answer, I begged and directly named the universe itself to answer me, and it did. I feel like that, in shorthand, can only be God.