Hi guys, I'm new here and I'm sorry to post this controversial and polemic topic but I needed to take out of my chest.

I've been struggling through depression for a while but before this pandemic shit I was taking ayahuasca and it was helping me. The thing is that on some trips it came to my knowledge a side of me that wanted to end this physical body/experience and it struck me like a lightning bolt.

After I watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnn0IU0-atg which Leo from actualized tells about his 30-day experience with DMT, it made me consider even more this option of suicide. The point that touched me is the fact that if we all are just one, (and I kinda believe this a little bit because of the ayahuasca experiences) and we live this illusion of separation, why not just end all this suffering and miserable life that I'm leaving and merge "this infinite love" that doesn't require a body.

I appreciate your help.

Cheers

You don't know just because you were in an altered state that we are all one. Buddha and other similar figures had to go through a lot in there lives before they found what they were looking for. Another point I want to bring up is if we all are one why are we infinitely divided. I think there is meaning in each individual life and I urge you to slow down and think things through more thoroughly before you make any rash decisions.

That's why I'm opening myself here. To think things through. Know more experiences, see what experienced people have to share. And also other opinions.

If we are all one.

You don't know that for sure. Are you prepared to gamble your life on it?

The death instinct is called "thanatos" and is but one part of the psyche.

Give yourself the chance to experience the best that life has to offer, rather than ending it on a whim. Plant a garden - just one seed will do at first - and watch it grow. Work on bringing your physical health to an optimum - eat right and exercise right. You may find that your mind will follow.

One day, on the other side of what you have been experiencing, you will see how it makes sense.

Welcome to the Nexus.


Wishing you the very best, df0

Listen.

Since I took pharmahuasca and mushrooms, I’m 99.8% sure I am God.

That’s when I am sober.

When I am tripping, I am not “sure” at any percentage. I know it. It is a fact.

I consider everyone else to be my subconsciousness.

I also know that I’m a mixture of a female goddess with giant boobs, a dragon, a snake, and a flesh-eating plant.

Yesterday I took her form again. My biggest desire is to wake up and be whole.

I saw myself being Kali.

I even think the COVID is my subconsciousness wanting to wake up, and the sole reason I’m staying is my girlfriend, but as soon as I figure out how to recreate her in another world later - after I had enough fun being a singular entity -, I might end this world.

But I would never hurt myself to wake up from this world or dream.

Why?

* Because, when I am sober, I’m less than 100% sure
* Because, if I am God, I don’t need to hurt myself to wake up from a dream. That would be lame
* Because, there must be a reason why I’m in this dream

As for the latter, the reason might be a bad one. During my last few trips, I saw myself playing a table game, like Monopoly, on a map made of this reality. The squares I could enter were places from this world where I lived between my childhood and my teenage era.

Somehow - I can’t explain the details - I had the feeding that certain areas were dangerous, where I could get lost, frozen in time, or fall asleep after entering it.

I also remember sitting in a car with a girl and inhaling something from a cloth(!) bag that could put me asleep. I remember being told not to inhale too much because I would fall into a too-deep sleep.

The problem is that we had no car in my childhood, and I didn’t have a girlfriend who had one, and I never inhaled such chemicals in my childhood from a bag (neither did I later) in this world.

So maybe, it happened in the “outside world”, and I fell asleep too deep.

But this option is somehow contradicting with being Kali, or being that snake-dragon-plant goddess I was yesterday for maybe two hours under my blanket.

Which one should I take granted?

Don’t get me wrong. It annoys me when someone tells me these are hallucinations. I doubt they are illusions.

I believe they are real. I believe I’m that creature whom I saw myself to be dozens of times.

It’s just I think the best way to unfold her is staying alive, having a happy, healthy, and pleasant life.

I also consider your idea to one of the worst ways to figure it out. You know, my life sucked like hell when I was a child, regardless of whether it happened for real or not. I’m not sure anymore. But it was bad.

I don’t want to start a new life right now. I doubt I would, but who knows.

It took me a fucking lot of work to have a life I enjoy, but I got there. I believe my current life is the best available position to explore what inside me is.

I indeed believe that being that Goddess of Destruction is an even better state of existence than how I am now, but I tell you, I’m getting there alive. And while I’m getting there, I love my girlfriend, my plants, my neighbors, and a few people from here as well.

I love even you somehow. So, when one day, I turn into a dragon, and I burn down the planet, you must know I had only good feelings towards you when I did it.

Stay alive. Fix your life. You are welcome.

I agree with this concern.

The woo sector mixes up things into a huge pile of confusing mess, "Being one" is open for interpretations, angles of view, opinions, whatnot.

I'm pretty convinced we're in common at quantum level, also that we're connected in ways at macro level, but that doesn't make us suddenly all-one on all levels of existing.
Ask an all-is-one hardcore how his/her very personal relations work out, or why they did that accident the other day. Or why they bite on their own tongue sometimes, by god they're not even one with their own body.

Earlier, I thought YouTube was one of the worst places to learn anything about music production. Now I think it’s also one of the worst places to learn about psychedelics.

What if this action(suicide) is just another small fraction of god consciousness? What if this is just my fate? The manifestation of this individual consciousness. I feel my body so much asking for this killing, and it has been there for a long time.

^^ I'm trying to make sense of this idea. Looking for someone seasoned on psychodelics who had profound awakenings when it comes to love and god. When I think of love myself I think in not resisting anything and currently, I feel I'm resisting to die. I fear death. And I'm also don't feel that I'm following the flow.

If we are "all one" in the sense that you describe, and death is a desirable outcome to realize this state, then why did you incarnate?

If there is some consciousness to the universe, why would it manifest you into a reality only for you to reject it?

If you are a manifestation of this God-mind which by definition exists outside of space time and therefore unable to experience for itself the consequence of the materiality that it itself created, consider that you are the sensory organs of this divinity here only for the experience of being within time and space.

It is painful and ecstatic, is that the point?

Consider that you not seeing the forest for the trees. All things are for a reason, including your life.

You seem to have a reasonable logic. That’s why I will switch to logical arguments.

There was a part of my life when I was not sure I wanted to continue it. It made little sense.

It happened not in my childhood but later when my existential details were fine. I could say, a lot of people could have envied me regarding my material situation but I lost the reasons to go on.

A few years later, with a lot of work on it (books, therapy), I got happy. I not only got out of the depths. I felt better than ever.

Now, I’m happy to be alive and have my life.

You can take meds. They help. You can try anything reasonable without harming yourself. Everything can fixed.

I suggest you diagnose it first why you feel bad.

By the way, let’s say the entities I meet in hyperspace are not only toys of my mind but somehow real individuals.

You, maybe you should take some GT with MAOI. GT is the least recreational and scariest mushroom variety I’ve tried so far. Maybe you should see a few of these creatures before you reach for the "infinite love".

You should also watch Dr. Strange first.

So true

Have you watched the video you linked?

I haven’t because I have no time now for a 2.5 hours video. But in the first ten minutes, he already explains that you cannot trust any teacher, religion, book, etc. He says you have to see it yourself.

So, how this video could support the idea that you believe an experienced psychedelics user that "we are all one", and you end your life?

Are you sure (sure means 100% confident) that we are one? Have you experienced it yourself? Then why are you asking? And if you haven’t, how could you consider harming yourself based on what another person told you if even the video you linked told you not to trust anyone?

I'm sorry to hear about your distress and I hope that it improves. All that I'll say, having lived a life with more than it's fair share of tragedy and upheaval, is that even if it is true that we are all of one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, which I believe that we are, it is through this suffering that we gain enlightenment and that subjective experience that we then take back to the collective when we all rejoin source after the vehicle dies is, I firmly believe, the point of this physical existence. I have gone through several low points in life and if not for a daughter to raise well, who knows how things might have worked out differently but it got better, if you give it enough of a chance it always gets better so really think about this from all angles before choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Either way I wish you well on your journey and hope that you make the right choice.

I don't see why the idea that we are all one, by nessecity has to contradict the notion of things being individual, or why the one would be more valuable than the other.

If that would truly be the case, then, why would you even have bothered writing all of this down?

Maybe life as we know it, is not all there is. Maybe there is something more.
So, how does that discredit the inherent value that we all experience life has? Because we DO all experience it. We all have this will to live. The will to accomplish something, or to care for others, or to contribute to some ideal.

Even suicide terrorists want to be remembered as martyrs.
Now, why would that even matter to them, if they only cared for the afterlife?

You care for this world, whether you realise it or not. And that is not by definition a bad thing.

The idea of killing me was already here. It's there. Old. Since I was a child I feel that this life lacks meaning. And lately, this urge to die became very intense. Regarding the video, yes I've watched the whole video. And a lot of stuff made sense for me. When you say that "in this place" you are alone and you see creatures, then you didn't reach this becoming "One". Whole. Because when I think of this idea of dying, I think of being everything. Integrate the whole universe.

I wrote because a part of me resists this idea of dying. Of leave everything behind. But my this just my human ego.